Stuck in awareness trap

[Inthegarden]

So, are there others?

No. There are no others. Not until thought makes them.

[graceabounds]

No. There are no others

How does it FEEL to see this?

What are you looking for at LU?
I want to see the truth. I want to see through the illusions that are making me suffer.

Is there one who suffers?

Is seeking present now?

[Inthegarden]

How does it FEEL to see this?

It doesn't feel any different. Yeah, I can see it, but there are still so many thoughts about me and others that life really doesn't feel any different.

Is there one who suffers?

Only in thought.

Is seeking present now?

Yes and no. It doesn't feel like I need a to find a "right" position or belief to be in. But as I said previously there are still plenty of thoughts and emotions arising that feel like a separate self. It feels like there is alot that still need to be cleared out and maybe I'm mistaking that for continuing to seek.

[graceabounds]

Could you give me two or three examples of what still needs to be cleared out?

[Inthegarden]

Could you give me two or three examples of what still needs to be cleared out?

I mean there's the excitement of discovering that everything is one/there's no separate self. But then it just feels kind of pointless, I guess. More like a philosophical discussion, because the ins and outs of everyday life don't change. When my toddler is screaming, there is the recognition that there is no 'her' creating this unpleasant experience, just a set of conditions. But the noise still makes you cringe. When my mother in law says something cruel, I can also recognize that it is just her conditioning or that 'she' doesn't exist or that it is simply a sound before thoughts give meaning to it. But it still hurts. The desire for things to change is still there, despite seeing that there's no me in control. Kind of like watching an emotionally charged movie. At the end you know it wasn't real, but you're still tired from all the feelings. It still felt like the story was real. I don't know if that explains it very well.

[graceabounds]

Things seem different but no, nothing at all changes. But notice the thought appearing that it is pointless. Is this True?

It is just that there are big neon signs now bringing up the next places to look. Without the story of a self on top, what beliefs lie underneath , what is next to sit with? This seeing through the self illusion is the first key to the first door.

I certainly still feel a physical contraction when my 5 year old screams. Right in the next episode of toddler screaming, look.When the screaming happens, can you find the separate “me” who is being burdened by the screaming? Who is suffering from the cringe?

When MIL says something cruel, investigate that hurt. Perhaps you can still recall it.

What is the hurt before you explain it?
Where is it?
What does it actually feel like? Does it remind you of anything?
Does it stay identical for ten seconds?
Does it move? Tighten? Spread? Pulse?

And then notice the urge to get away from it, fix it, understand it, blame someone, forgive someone, or make it disappear. Then sit in the gap for a while, being with the sensation without immediately responding to the urge to end it. What do you notice from here?

[Inthegarden]

But notice the thought appearing that it is pointless. Is this True?

No, but it just seems like a mental exercise to bypass anything uncomfortable that arises. I'm still using thought. Just telling myself it's ok if something uncomfortable happens because "uncomfortable and me" are just stories. It feels borderline unhealthy.

When the screaming happens, can you find the separate “me” who is being burdened by the screaming? Who is suffering from the cringe?

this is a great example of this working well. Yes, I can certainly see that "this shouldn't be happening" and going through the process of looking to see that "I" am just a thought helps.

What is the hurt before you explain it? Where is it?

Just a burning sensation in my chest.

What does it actually feel like? Does it remind you of anything?

The best way I can describe it is a combination of the leap of the heart when surprised combined with the deep ache of exhaustion.

Does it stay identical for ten seconds? Does it move? Tighten? Spread? Pulse?

No. It certainly moves. Sometimes, when intense, feelings come in waves or pulse through. There is alot of movement, sometimes shaking.

And then notice the urge to get away from it, fix it, understand it, blame someone, forgive someone, or make it disappear. Then sit in the gap for a while, being with the sensation without immediately responding to the urge to end it. What do you notice from here?

I experienced some intense emotion Thursday night after being surprised by some medical news. I noticed there is the urge to keep it inside. A part of me doesn't want to be seen being emotional. It pulsed and moved through, then was done. "I" couldn't control it being there despite the desire to hide it/not feel it. The belief that there are others/me is still there to a degree, because they still feel threatening. I didn't want to have undesired attention from being seen with the emotion.

[graceabounds]

Hello Whitney,

But notice the thought appearing that it is pointless. Is this True?

No, but it just seems like a mental exercise to bypass anything uncomfortable that arises. I'm still using thought. Just telling myself it's ok if something uncomfortable happens because "uncomfortable and me" are just stories. It feels borderline unhealthy

Yes. This is astute. And why sitting in/with the sensation is important.

There is alot of movement, sometimes shaking.

This is common. Reported much more often than not when sitting in this way, so nothing to be concerned about, on the contrary a sign of the system processing.

I noticed there is the urge to keep it inside. A part of me doesn't want to be seen being emotional

Is there a location for ‘inside’ where these emotions are held? When it pulsed and moved through, where did it seem to go from and to?

What does the sensation itself say is wrong with being seen?

What is being protected? Take a look directly.

Much love,
Becca