Stuck in awareness trap

[Inthegarden]

So, are there others?

No. There are no others. Not until thought makes them.

[graceabounds]

No. There are no others

How does it FEEL to see this?

What are you looking for at LU?
I want to see the truth. I want to see through the illusions that are making me suffer.

Is there one who suffers?

Is seeking present now?

[Inthegarden]

How does it FEEL to see this?

It doesn't feel any different. Yeah, I can see it, but there are still so many thoughts about me and others that life really doesn't feel any different.

Is there one who suffers?

Only in thought.

Is seeking present now?

Yes and no. It doesn't feel like I need a to find a "right" position or belief to be in. But as I said previously there are still plenty of thoughts and emotions arising that feel like a separate self. It feels like there is alot that still need to be cleared out and maybe I'm mistaking that for continuing to seek.

[graceabounds]

Could you give me two or three examples of what still needs to be cleared out?

[Inthegarden]

Could you give me two or three examples of what still needs to be cleared out?

I mean there's the excitement of discovering that everything is one/there's no separate self. But then it just feels kind of pointless, I guess. More like a philosophical discussion, because the ins and outs of everyday life don't change. When my toddler is screaming, there is the recognition that there is no 'her' creating this unpleasant experience, just a set of conditions. But the noise still makes you cringe. When my mother in law says something cruel, I can also recognize that it is just her conditioning or that 'she' doesn't exist or that it is simply a sound before thoughts give meaning to it. But it still hurts. The desire for things to change is still there, despite seeing that there's no me in control. Kind of like watching an emotionally charged movie. At the end you know it wasn't real, but you're still tired from all the feelings. It still felt like the story was real. I don't know if that explains it very well.

[graceabounds]

Things seem different but no, nothing at all changes. But notice the thought appearing that it is pointless. Is this True?

It is just that there are big neon signs now bringing up the next places to look. Without the story of a self on top, what beliefs lie underneath , what is next to sit with? This seeing through the self illusion is the first key to the first door.

I certainly still feel a physical contraction when my 5 year old screams. Right in the next episode of toddler screaming, look.When the screaming happens, can you find the separate “me” who is being burdened by the screaming? Who is suffering from the cringe?

When MIL says something cruel, investigate that hurt. Perhaps you can still recall it.

What is the hurt before you explain it?
Where is it?
What does it actually feel like? Does it remind you of anything?
Does it stay identical for ten seconds?
Does it move? Tighten? Spread? Pulse?

And then notice the urge to get away from it, fix it, understand it, blame someone, forgive someone, or make it disappear. Then sit in the gap for a while, being with the sensation without immediately responding to the urge to end it. What do you notice from here?