1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
I cannot find a separate self in any way shape or form. I only find thoughts. I am still looking but I don’t expect I will find anything or anyone.
I guess there never was one. I just thought there was. No matter how much I look, I’m certain I’m not going to find anything that could be called a separate self.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of a separate self is the sense that there is a someone in your body/mind with an identity moving through time. It is all the conditioning you were brought up with. You learned it from your parents, society, teachers, friends and other people in general. It is relational. It starts very young, before you can even remember. I guess it starts when you start forming memories. From my own experience it has shaped my life from early childhood until recently. I think it could also be called ego. Or it’s part of the ego or the ego is part of the self idea. It’s the blabbing on of the mind, that voice that doesn’t shut up.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Life feels lighter, but also not very different. The last few days I have had a lot of doubt but I realize this and I’m directly questioning it.
When I had an awakening in August I didn’t know it was a realization of no-self. Stacy told me it was. I thought it was Kensho, but because of what I had read and seen in videos, I was expecting something to last longer. I was disappointed and have been waiting for it to happen again, even though the presence was so obvious. I was getting caught up in spiritual terminology.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
When I asked if there was a self there was a contraction in my chest as if it was a lie.
5) Describe decision & give examples from experience.
Decision just happens. You walk, get up, eat, pet your dog. There isn’t a someone making the decisions. Sometimes you might be conscious of making a decision. Other times life is just happening.
Describe intention & give examples from experience.
Intention would be having a planned course of action. It’s ok to have a plan, but the universe might have other plans. It helps to be open and understand that things don’t always go as planned and if I just go with the flow of things life is much easier.
Describe free will & give examples from experience.
People think they have free will but always act based on their conditioning, myself included. I have learned that you can’t change people. They will act and make so called choices like the ones they always make, unless they really dig deep and want to learn who and what they really are.
I still don’t know who and what I really am, but I know I’m not the voice in my head, because thoughts come and go. What I really am doesn’t come and go. This is an ongoing investigation into the nature of truth.
I see how I have acted in my life because of my conditioning. I acted in certain ways especially with relationships that were really unconscious. There really was no free will.
Describe choice & give examples from experience.
Choices are made. Sometimes they just happen. Sometimes I spend too much time and energy making choices and that is a habit.
Describe control & give examples from experience.
People want to feel like they are in control but the real freedom is when you give up the idea of control and just observe life as it happens.
Like wanting to control the actions of others. It’s more freeing to have no agenda for other people. More freeing for you and for them. It’s a form of love to have no agenda for someone. You accept them fully as they are.
What makes things happen? How does it work?
I don’t really know what makes things happen. There is cause and effect.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
I am always responsible for my actions because they affect others. I am responsible for not being a jerk, for being kind or at least polite.
I am responsible for my own psychic space, my own state of consciousness. I can forgive myself and others. There isn’t much more because there really isn’t much I have control over.
6) Anything to add?
I answered these questions without thinking too much about them. They came from a sincere place, hopefully from my heart. I did re-read and edit them.
I have a commitment to truth, even if it is uncomfortable at times.
