Running Home

[graceabounds]

It is known that a thought is a memory, because it is something I experienced.

How do you know, in the present experience, that the thought refers to something that actually happened?

You don’t need to answer intellectually. Look.

Right now, bring up a specific memory from yesterday.

What is actually present now?

Perhaps an image, words, bodily sensation, emotion.

Can the past event itself be found?

Or is what is present only a thought/image/sensation about the past?


A memory appears.
A future projection appears.
A sound appears.
Attention shifts.
A sensation appears.

The thought “I am remembering,” “I am planning,” “I am hearing,” “I am paying attention” can appear.

But when you look underneath the label, what do you actually find?

Let your attention move naturally for a moment.

Did “I” actually move my attention, or did the attention shift and the thought “I moved it” appear afterward?

[Emac1122]

What is actually present now?
Perhaps an image, words, bodily sensation, emotion.

What is actually present now are images, emotion, sensations, and thoughts about the event. But it is more than that. There are also underlying sensations of "it" having occurred.

Can the past event itself be found?
Or is what is present only a thought/image/sensation about the past?

No, the past event cannot be found only the thoughts, images, and sensations.

But when you look underneath the label, what do you actually find?

Just thoughts, images, sensations, and emotions.

Did “I” actually move my attention, or did the attention shift and the thought “I moved it” appear afterward?

Attention moves, but there is no "I moved"... it just moves. There isn't always an I attached, interestingly, sometimes just attention or I'm not aware of the "I".

[graceabounds]

There are also underlying sensations of "it" having occurred.

What/where are these sensations? Be specific.

Can you separate that sensation from the thought or image saying “this happened”?
Just check.

Attention moves, but there is no "I moved"... it just moves.

Very good, yes, attention can move without an “I” attached to it.
Does the “I” actually cause anything, or does it sometimes appear afterward as a description of what just happened?

[Emac1122]

What/where are these sensations? Be specific.

The sensations depend on the memory. For example, if I remember a recent bike trip the sensations include warmth form the sun, feelings of freedom, and joy, curiosity. If I think about memories of negative experiences, then sensations can include fear, panic or pain.

Can you separate that sensation from the thought or image saying “this happened”?
Just check.

The sensations can arise without a specific thought or image saying " this happened." The sensations can be triggered then followed closely with a memory. But they are also triggered when I think about something that happened. If someone were to ask me how my trip went, for example that would trigger memories of the trip. I do see that as time goes on my memories can become less clear.

Does the “I” actually cause anything, or does it sometimes appear afterward as a description of what just happened?

Sometimes the feeling of the "I" doing something is there, but I'm quicker at seeing the relationship between the feelings of the "I" and giving it credit for doing things. The period where it appears after the description can be extremely brief as to be simultaneous. I'm better at seeing the connection and recognize it is a feeling of "I" and not "I".

[graceabounds]

Can you find the “I” that initiates the movement?

When there is no “I” feeling present, is anything missing?

[Emac1122]

Can you find the “I” that initiates the movement?

No, when I look for an I that causes movement I can't find any specific thing called "I". When I ask what causes movement, it doesn't seem like something "causes" the movement only that the movement is drawn within a space and that space seems such larger than this idea of a small "I" controlling it.

When there is no “I” feeling present, is anything missing?

What's missing is a defensiveness that is tied to that "I". Nothing is missing. When there is no feeling of I present there is an open receptiveness compared to a small perspective.
I was thinking about when my feeling of "I" is strongest. That feeling of "I" arises along with feelings of anger of defensiveness almost more than any other time. Sometimes I see it in time to pause, before I react, not always. There is more space.

Yesterday we were watching a recording of a concert. The music immediately made me think of my dad and a cabin we used to go to when I was a child. I felt a stabbing in my heart of multiple emotions, sorrow, lose, joy, love. It is amazing how all that is tied in our bodies and so easily triggered. The other interesting thing was that there was no specific memory, just a flood of images and even sounds of the place. Even sitting here now recounting the event brings up some of the same feelings and thoughts. But I see all of this occurring in the present.

I'm going on retreat next week. I will have access to my phone, but wifi is spotty there. I'll check my email, but my responses may be delayed.
Thank you for your guidance. I'm grateful for you.
Erin

[graceabounds]

Enjoy the retreat, Erin.
See if you can pin down that feeling of I…

When I ask what causes movement, it doesn't seem like something "causes" the movement only that the movement is drawn within a space and that space seems such larger than this idea of a small "I" controlling it.

So there is a thought, a mental overlay of a controller?
Where specifically is the space that is imagined it to be?

Then take a look at that space, what is found in direct experience?

That feeling of "I" arises along with feelings of anger of defensiveness almost more than any other time

It is great that there is more space around this. That gap is where to look.

I'm better at seeing the connection and recognize it is a feeling of "I" and not "I".

Good, keep noticing what is happening in the body in these times. Can you find an actual entity inside the sensations which arise that is being threatened?

Does anger require an I?
Is it free to exist without being owned?

There may not be so much of this on retreat, so feel free to put a pin in it for afterward.

[Emac1122]

Hi
Thanks for your patience. I spent time during the retreat looking at some of these questions.

So there is a thought, a mental overlay of a controller?
Where specifically is the space that is imagined it to be?
Then take a look at that space, what is found in direct experience?

No, that’s the interesting thing, there really doesn’t seem to be a controller when I look. Movement happens within the space. I can’t tell what causes the movement. When I look at that space I can feel movement, hear things, see things. I’ve heard others describe a sense of aliveness, but I can’t seem to tune into that.

Can you find an actual entity inside the sensations which arise that is being threatened?

No, I can’t find an entity. When anger arises it is often like a flash. I do think that there is some sense of threat. I don’t know how to pause the feelings to look in the space to see what is feeling threatened.

Does anger require an I?
Is it free to exist without being owned?

I don’t think anger requires an I. It is just an emotion and does not require being owned. However, I feel like sometimes my emotions arrive in this open space, but sometimes depending on what is going on they feel stickier to me and the emotions seem to shut everything else out.

Our conversations have helped me Immensely. I sense the space where all things happen, movement, emotion, thoughts, but sometimes it is a felt experience, and even though I know it is always present, sometimes it feels like I’m a small separate self. But even when that arises I’m seeing that not as a separate entity, but often emotions such as anger that occur within me rather than within that open space. When I look at the ‘me’ I guess I can still feel something - ego? Not a separate entity that gets upset. I feel this need to open those feeling within the space and just let them arise and pass, but sometimes they just get stuck going around and around in my head.

I’m heading out of town again, but will continue to try to respond. I’ll be in europe, so 6 hours ahead.

Thank you again,
Erin

[graceabounds]

I’ve heard others describe a sense of aliveness, but I can’t seem to tune into that.

You don't need to find it. “Aliveness” is another description someone else has had. If you go looking for that experience, the mind can quietly turn it into the next thing I need to experience.

Instead, stay with what you actually have. The ordinary sensations you already experience are not dead or abstract. They're simply happening. :)

I don’t know how to pause the feelings to look in the space to see what is feeling threatened.

Yes. There is no one in control of the anger. Just look after the fact for the thought that goes something like "this is happening to me." And look for what that points to. See through it there.

What is it that gets stuck going around and around in your head?

[Emac1122]

If you go looking for that experience, the mind can quietly turn it into the next thing I need to experience.

Instead, stay with what you actually have. The ordinary sensations you already experience are not dead or abstract. They're simply happening. :)

Yes! Of course, the idea that there is still something missing, which I know is not true.

What is it that gets stuck going around and around in your head?

The thoughts explaining my feelings or rehashing the event that caused the feelings, regret or shame - all depends on what happened really. Definitely thoughts about something that riled my emotions.

Just look after the fact for the thought that goes something like "this is happening to me." And look for what that points to

I feel like I’ve tried this and there is this kind of heavy, blank dark feeling. But also a lot of thoughts and emotions. Energy around my heart. Anger but also sadness sometimes I’d say.
Interesting. I’ll look more deeply.

[graceabounds]

I feel like I’ve tried this and there is this kind of heavy, blank dark feeling. But also a lot of thoughts and emotions. Energy around my heart. Anger but also sadness sometimes I’d say.
Interesting. I’ll look more deeply.

Good, yes. Look right here at the raw sensations, prior to labels.

Does the energy move?
How far does the heaviness extend?

Is there anything behind or underneath it?

More important to just investigate and stay with it rather than worry about what words to use to describe it.

[Emac1122]

Hi
I wanted to check in. I’m still on vacation and haven’t had much cause to get upset or angry. We’re out much of the day as well , so don’t really have time to respond. We’re back home on Oct 19.

Does the energy move?
How far does the heaviness extend?

I feel like the energy and heaviness mostly stays around my heart area.

Is

there anything behind or underneath it?

I’ll have to look at this more carefully next time.

Erin

[graceabounds]

Thanks for the update.
Enjoy the rest of your travels!

I feel like the energy and heaviness mostly stays around my heart area

Look for its edge.

[Emac1122]

Hi
I’m back home and settled. I can’t say I experienced much anger on my trip though I did realize I’m pretty good at suppressing my feelings and simmering. Sometimes I don’t even recognize what’s happening. I also realized I spend time trying to explain my feelings to myself rather than just observing them. It is funny how our thoughts constantly have to get involved with everything! This seems to occur more often if I feel hurt or angry. I think I am better at recognizing all these machinations even if sometimes it is after the fact. At that point I try to just sit with the feelings. I also notice that feeling of “I” is stronger at these times.