Hi Lilla
Beautiful honesty. This is exactly where to look now.
The sense of self is still there, but it feels less believable.
Good. Don’t try to get rid of the sense of self.
What is the “sense of self” in direct experience – sensation, familiarity, thought saying “me”, body-map sensation?
Does the sense of self prove an actual self?
Think of a mirage.
When you recognise it as a mirage, does the shimmering appearance disappear? No. What disappears is the assumption that it is water.
The illusion isn't destroyed—it is seen. There is a difference between an
illusion and a
delusion.
Illusion is when something can be seen as something else, but the truth of what is real is known.
Delusion is when the illusion is believed to be true. The same applies here.
The thought "I" does not need to disappear. Memories do not need to disappear. The body image does not need to disappear. Functional language does not need to disappear. The question has always been:
Does the thought "I" point to an independently existing entity?
Or is that the assumption that has been seen through?
Look at this picture.
At first you may see a duck. Then someone points out that it is also a rabbit. After that, the image itself does not change. You don't have to force yourself to see the rabbit, nor can you permanently go back to seeing only the duck. The same lines are still there.
What has changed? Not the appearance. Only what is recognised.
The illusion wasn't "wrong lines."
The illusion was taking one interpretation to be the only reality. The same is true here. The thought "I" does not have to disappear. The appearance remains. What changes is that the thought "I" is no longer taken to point to an independently existing self. That is why an illusion is different from a delusion. A delusion disappears when it is corrected. An illusion may continue to look exactly the same, even after the truth about it is known.
As Philip K. Dick beautifully put it: "
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away."
The thought "I" may continue to arise, just as the duck continues to look like a duck. The question is simply:
Does the thought "I" point to anything that can actually be found?
There is also some seeking in regards to seeing through self. I feel that I had a spark at one point of our inquiry dialogues, and the questions went deep, but some painful life happenings diverted my attention. Since then I haven't been able to ignite the spark inside to burn down the illusion. I feel that I would need to spend more time with the inquiries and spend more time sitting with DE.
There is an expectation, that there will be more distance from thoughts and feelings.
Many people expect a dramatic shift, and when it isn't there they think they haven't seen. You may be thinking that this is not enough, that some experiences need to happen, that you should be happy and blissful all the time :)
Expectations are one of the most frequent blocks to seeing what ‘reality’ actually is. We can blame Guru stories and the attraction to drama in our society for focusing on stories of the initial epiphany that people have as they wake up (because some have a ‘wow’ factor). This puts into our head, the idea of “bells and whistles”. We expect high drama to confirm that a significant shift has occurred.
In many cases it happens quietly and gradually, as believes come one by one to be seen through. It may take days, months or years and it very much depends on the acquired conditioning. It also is self-organised - thoughts restructuring around the fact that there is no self, seen one belief at a time. It doesn't happen automatically - e.g. once it's seen no self and then ALL beliefs drop on the spot - nope.
Resistance and
strong emotions (fear, anger, blame, guilt) become a very good tool for spotting believes that are still lingering around. Question what you know is true. This falling away of old beliefs happens whether you do work on that or just stay with what is present, the process takes care of itself. Sometimes it is intense, sometimes it’s gentle, but there is no landing, only falling deeper and deeper into peace. As I warned you in the beginning of the inquiry:
I can promise you there will be no fireworks; it is just a subtle shift in perception! The only true expectation, that you can have, is that the seeking will end. If there are any other expectations, it's good to acknowledge them and then set them aside. It is all much simpler and ordinary.
Some common misconceptions:
That I will experience permanent bliss.
That I will be able to stop my thoughts.
I will be able to manifest prosperity.
I will never hurt others again
I will never develop dementia
I will never have any more interpersonal conflicts
I will never again get angry
I will never be hurt
I will be loved (approval of others)
I will always know what to do (control)
I will always feel good (control feelings / bliss)
:)
Seeing usually is not 24/7. There's usually a "honeymoon period," and then what we call, "got it, lost it,"
as untrue beliefs come up to be questioned. This can go on for months and years. This initial shift is irreversible, just as we can never go back to believing in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy. We still use first-person pronouns to describe “ourselves” with the same ease we always had, even if such ideas have no more actual meaning than talking about Santa Claus once we learn “he” doesn’t exist either. The separate “self” is seen to have been nothing more than inference and interpretation.
As a result of getting this first irreversible understanding of who we aren’t there is a joyfulness or easiness, an initial cleansing of wrong views, and an illumination of what is (and is not) happening within and around us. Even though this illumination is temporary, it nevertheless constitutes a significant re-ordering of how we perceive ourselves and our place in the world.
This video could be quite useful :
https://youtu.be/vJQcD588g2w
Here is a Mahāmudrā koan for you:
Is there a difference between abiding in tranquillity (aka looking) and moving in thought (not looking/thinking)?
Don't answer conceptually. Look. Another old Buddhist saying points in the same direction:
Before enlightenment, chop wood and carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood and carry water.
Nothing needs to disappear. Thoughts continue. The word "I" continues. Memory continues. Planning continues. The body moves. Conversations happen. Life unfolds. What changes is not the appearance, but what is taken to be true about it. The separate "I" that was assumed to be thinking, choosing, controlling and experiencing cannot be found.
Nothing essential needs to change for the illusion to be seen. The appearance may remain exactly as it always was; only the assumption about what it points to is no longer taken at face value.
You can have a look:
Is there a spark in direct experience?
Is there someone who lost it?
Is there someone who needs to ignite it again?
Is there an illusion that must be burned down?
Or are there thoughts, sensations, memory, expectation, comparison, and longing?
Is anything missing?
Distance is not liberation. Peace is not liberation. A spark is not liberation. Less believable thoughts are not liberation.
Seeing that no separate self is found — here, now, in any experience — is the point.
If I'm honest with myself, I must say no. Thought says I need to work on it.
Is that doubtful thought (e.g. of lack of clarity) even yours or about you?
What is that entity that is outside of THIS, and is still confused or doubtful, or not being clear about THIS
What is doubt in direct experience?
Does doubt belong to anyone?
Does doubt know whether seeing is clear or not?
What is the expectation of “more distance” made of?
When thought says “I need to work on it,” is the worker found?
Right now, is a separate self found? Who would work on it? Who would complete it? Who would get the big fat YES?
Is there a Lilla who is almost there? Or is “almost there” another thought?
So the question is as always
Can an entity called Lilla/I/me or anything else be found as a doer, controller, thinker, etc..., or is it just language?
When anger arises and the story appears about an unfavoured life situation I'm in, I try to fix the external. There is seeking to get out of an unfavoured life situation and unfavoured connections.
Good.
Ordinary life may bring action - that is not a problem.
But in direct experience, is there a seeker inside that?
Does anger say “I need to fix life”?
Does sensation say “this is unfavoured”?
Does thought say “when this changes, I’ll be okay”?
When
anger,
fear,
blame,
guilt,
shame, or
defensiveness appears, treat it as an invitation to look. Do not analyse the story first. Do not ask why. Do not try to get rid of the feeling. Pause and find the raw sensation.
Where is it felt? What is its texture? Is it moving, tight, hot, heavy, vibrating?
Does the sensation itself say ‘anger’, ‘fear’, ‘guilt’, ‘blame’?
Or are those labels and stories added by thought?
Stay with the sensation long enough to see what is actually there before the story takes over. Do not use this to suppress action. If something practical needs to be said, corrected, or done, that can still happen. The looking is only to separate the raw present experience from the story wrapped around it.Look there.
No spark needed. Just look.
Love
Rali
