No self, no santa claus

[Golikewise]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
There is no I who is actually making decisions, thinking thoughts, hearing, seeing, breathing, doing. There are only the decisions, thoughts, hearing seeing, breathing, doing that are happening on their own. The confusion happens because there is also an I thought/sense that arises almost simultaneously which claims ownership over all of this.

What are you looking for at LU?
I have heard the analogy of seeing no self compared to seeing that there is no Santa Claus. Although I understand the concept of no self and frequently look for the self (especially the self who is experiencing an uncomfortable sensation) and find none, I cannot say that my seeing of no self is as clear as my seeing of no santa. I never catch myself slipping back into believing in santa; that seeing is just completely incorporated into my world view. I want to have the same certainty and consistency in seeing no self. As it is now, I have to remind myself of no self, which seems like just a thought, not a seeing.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I am hoping to be guided to look in ways that I haven't before. I expect to be challenged and surprised. I think that I want to see clearly so much, but I have not done so yet. So I imagine there is something(s) I am holding onto, afraid of, etc. that is stopping me. Maybe a belief I haven't questioned. I expect an objective set of eyes to help me be honest with myself.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I became interested in non-dual understanding about 10 years ago through Tolle. Then I spoke with my uncle who is a spiritual teacher and he pointed me away from the direct path, sort of indicating that I wasn't spiritually mature enough. That started my sporadic meditation/spiritual practice including zen, tibetan buddhism, hare krishna. But I am always put off by ritual and dogma, so now I find myself again drawn to the direct path. My current youtube teacher is Angel Dilullo.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
11

[graceabounds]

Hello!

Thanks for your patience in waiting for a guide. I would be happy to be with you in this inquiry.

Are you ready to get started?
And willing to set down all the books, teachings and accumulated spiritual knowledge for the duration of this process? :)

With love,
Becca

[Golikewise]

Becca,

Thank you for your help. Yes, I am ready and willing

[graceabounds]

Lovely,

What name would you like to be called here?

To begin, let’s investigate expectations for this process.

1. What do you think will be different when you realize there’s no separate self?

2. What do you expect to happen as a result of this?

3. What do you want not to happen?

4. What are you hoping for?

5. What is missing? :)

In gratitude,
Becca

[Golikewise]

Becca,

You can call me Andrea.

1. I think that my internal reactions will continue to arise. When I make a parenting mistake I will feel shame. When I stub my toe I will feel pain. But I won’t add on an additional layer of owning these feelings. The shame/pain won’t become my shame/pain that I have to fix. The feelings will just float there and eventually dissolve if I don’t keep giving them new life in thought.

2. I expect that if I keep feeling the feelings as they arise but not attaching to them and creating new stories around them eventually even those feelings will become less and less personal until eventually there will be be no difference between my inside world and outside world. That observing pain inside me will elicit a similar reaction as observing a tree outside— in fact that the reactions will fall away and there will be mainly just observing.

3. I don’t want to lose the ability to care for my child or do my work or behave safely in the world.

4. I am hoping that the suffering associated with owning my suffering will go away.

5. I don’t feel that anything is missing. I only feel that I have an extra, unnecessary and untrue story of my self superimposed on what is actually happening.

[graceabounds]

Hello Andrea,

Your expectations are rather reasonable, but, that said, all expectations can be a barrier. That is why it is great to get them out and look at them, and set them down as best you can. There are probably more which will rise to the surface later… every book and video and satsang consumed adds a little to the mythology of what we expect to find here. What we actually find is wholly unique, and often quite different from what is planned for.

All that said, I would like to address this up front:

I don’t want to lose the ability to care for my child or do my work or behave safely in the world.

We aren’t changing anything here. What we are looking at is what is already the case. Santa already doesn’t exist, unicorns already aren’t real. So, by way of reassurance, my own kiddo still gets fed, hugged, picked up from the school bus, and food gets on the table. Nothing is changed from the way it has always been. There never was a do-er of these things…

At LU we assist in the exploration of the idea of a separate self. This is actually not a debate or even a philosophy — it is a guiding based on experience that brings a shift in perception. We point directly to what is through simple exercises, questions, and dialogue.

What is expected from you is to LOOK carefully into what is being pointed at. It is this simple LOOKING (not thinking, not imagining, not remembering) that brings a shift in perception. We call this Direct Experience, looking into what the senses report here and now, stripped of thought-story.

So for this process to work, your answers need to be 100% honest, not relying on thought, memory, or imagination, but reporting only what is directly seen in experience.

Next please read and say to yourself several times: *There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

After each time you read or say it, notice what happens, feelings, sensations, thoughts, movements... And write here what is noticed.

Don't try to get anything right, just share what is seen, unfiltered. Generally this process will be driven by seeing what is already happening, what is already the case. What is effortlessly seen while engaging questions and exercises is what is important. What you actually write me is secondary to that.

Much love,
Becca

[Golikewise]

Becca,

1. tightness in chest and throat + frustration at not being able to see this yet
2. pressure in the head + straining to see the truth of the statement
3. lump in the throat + hopelessness that I will never see
4. heat in chest + expecting something to happen
5. regret at wasted time
6. imagining what no self realization would feel like
7. heat in chest + looking for what sensation/thought gives me a sense of self
8. release of tension in the head + not trying to understand the words-- just hearing them as words
9. doubt that pursuing this will have any result
10. attention wanders. i keep saying it in the background like a mantra
11. heat in chest + hope that this will lead me somewhere
12. tension in the back of my neck and shoulders + boredom with the statement

Thank you,
Andrea

[graceabounds]

Hello!

What I am checking for here is a systemic fear response to the statement itself, which seems not to be the case (this is a good thing). On the contrary, the frustration seems to be about what is not achieved/accomplished/seen. This seeking energy has a big purpose, which is as fuel for seeing the looking through.

You mentioned here tension and pressure and heat in various parts of the body. Does the sense of self seem to have a location, a center in any of these places, or somewhere else? Take a look.

Find a comfortable place to sit or lie. Take in a few deep breaths to settle the dust and then relax for a bit. Spend only 30 to 60 seconds on each component of this exercise.

Bring your awareness to your entire body - sense it fully, head to toe.
Run your hands down over your torso. Feel the solidity of it.
Now bring your awareness to your feet. Again, feel them. Move them a bit.
Then bring your awareness to your hands. Open and close them.
Bring your awareness to your face - all of it. Touch it with your hand.

Now point your index finger to where "Andrea" is located.
Touch the exact location of "Andrea".

Answer these questions:
Were you able to find and feel "Andrea" in a direct way like the other parts of your body?
Where is it?
What did you find? Something? Anything? Nothing?
What sensations did you feel in your body that identified "Andrea” (If any).

Tell me what you experienced and found, by way of direct experience.

With Gratitude,
Becca