I want to see this!

[ManicMonk]

Hello Becca!

My thanks to the hacker who tried to remove the forum and take it hostage for Bitcoin that one day, who sent out an admin mail as well. That made me look again. I was kind of sad that he hacked it, but I'm happy that the admins brought it back, and I thought - Hey, i'd really like to continue that now!

I'm back for a bit. I've been around... Carnival took longer than expected :)

Basically, I've been busy. I was good, but I've been a bit on a treadmill and also kind of chilling because of my initial impression and understanding after reading Jet and Ilona's books.

Feeling something pop and getting the first layer of understanding, what is meant with "no self" and not being in control, was kind of an unlock. It's kind of cool.

So I'm riding that wave, but I wouldn't say that I understand everything everybody's talking about. I'm kinda observing, for example, the story of me, seeing me, interpreting, having the mind active and interpreting and thinking. One thing I'm looking at.

And sometimes looking, trying to feel into the presence of the now, into the famous presence, peace, and so on of every being, there everywhere all the time. Can't say I kind of got that yet, neither intellectually nor practically?

If it would be something feelable, a presence, wouldn't that in itself be a perception again? Like, being a perception and thus being something perceived in a way? You catch my drift.

I'm enjoying existence. I'm thinking about how I treat reality as a whole.

Because the Jed, which was my initial guide, is a lot about all this matrix and dream state stuff, right?

Which kind of speaks to me. I don't know why, but because I:

I like this kind of concepts and thinking, and it's really crazy to me.

Maybe a little bit because of a towards depression, maybe, and feeling isolated, or maybe it's just something I noticed early on already - It's a little bit like the whole meaninglessness or emptiness of the whole thing. It can go both ways, right? Sometimes it feels like, "I'm just tired and I'm not taking it seriously." But it can also be very nice and freeing as experimenting. I feel kind of detached from the whole thing a little bit. I just can't take everything very seriously (- until I have a toothache, obviously! Those kind of suck).

Which is, for example, why my wife's job is now to put me back to my feet here. I have to, because I'm right now, I'm the breadwinner in the family. I kind of can't just let go of it all, or don't want to, whatever you call it, whoever is doing it.

Right now, I feel it's my responsibility to keep on making some money, making dough so my family is cared for. I'm still in that somehow. Does that make sense? Is that a good thing? I think it is.

I haven't found an alternative yet - so for now I'm gonna continue doing that! With my own spin on it, probably.

I am going to try to throw in a little bit of anarchy of the mind and enjoyment of the whole process while I'm there.

Sorry, I'm just rambling on here. How are you doing? I'm still here.

Did you notice the forum going away? Any tips for me, like how to become one with the unified field? Otherwise, I'm just gonna chill and enjoy, try to be better, be more myself, less stress and more present, as usual! :)

All the best. Have a great time and - and that's it! :)

[graceabounds]

Hello dear Daniel,

Very nice settling in here.

What you are describing is trying to reconcile two things.
1 nothing matters
2 I am responsible
They are both stories. Could they exist outside of thought? Notice what is here in direct experience: emptiness when not given that label is tasted as freedom.

Where is that one who ‘keeps it together’? Or who doesn’t take it seriously?

This whole functioning of working, caring, earning etc etc IS it actually a burden being carried? Or is it just happening, with thoughts occasionally claiming ownership?

Can you catch the moment of control?

Who is responsible?

Hopefully site is resurrected, but will message you my email address just in case. :)

Much love,
Becca

[ManicMonk]

Hi Becca!

Ok, thank you! I'm gonna chew on this! :)

Thank you for the email too! I'll be in touch! :)

[graceabounds]

❤️

[ManicMonk]

Hi! :D

I'm back in town! But you're Becca! (more back!)

Hi! So i've written the whole thing on a virtual typewriter today, which was real fun :P

-> for your inconvenience and nostalgia i've attached that as an image on a separate email.

I've also tried to clean up the text and will add it here as well.

This is the same text as in the email though, you only have to read one of these two :)

------------------

You wrote:
> What you are describing is trying to reconcile two things.
> 1 nothing matters
> I am responsible.
> They both are stories. Could they exist outside of thought? Notice what is here in direct
experience. Emptiness when not given that label is tasted as freedom.

"Emptiness, when not given that label, is tasted as freedom"
-> OMG! : D
That's a good one. I'll think about this.

> This whole functioning of working, earning etc - is it actually a burden being carried? Or is it just happening
without with thoughts k occasionally claiming ownership?
> Who is responsible?

:Who indeed?: :D

Ok! I think that made a little nickel drop for me. In regards to the thinking / thinking what's real / the "Story"
so famously quoted...

And perhaps that's the what the whole finger pointing at the moon / Jed saying "Thought destroys all things" -
your parents aren't "real", the moon isn't "real" etc are pointing at?

Everything is framed by the mind to be grappled with, mentally. But none of that is true per se - it's all wiggles,
as Alan Watts calls it. We can't be sure what it is - waves, impressions; perceptions; atoms or not - atoms aren't real by the way? :D

They are all just boxes around concepts.

But then we start going all haywire on these boxes and teach our kids to use words for the be things and to express
what they see and we learn to think in the abstract. And then we start stopping to see the "forest" and start zooming in on individual trees.

And then we spend a lot of time in that abstraction land.

But it's not real, and it's not direct experience.

But also - that doesn't really seem to bother me _quite_ as much; - perhaps because that distinction has been clear
to me for a long time? -> It's just sometimes hard to actually SEE past the words and abstractions. The mind(tm) has the tendency to "get in the way" so to speak.
But yeah - Mama's still real, she's just not here right now, and she's not the concept. And when i'm with her I can have direct experience of giving her a hug.
Not sure what all the drama is about in Jed- thoughts destroying the universe? What the heck.
Perhaps i'm not there yet? Perhaps i'm still missing a piece.

So far I have collected these nuggts on my journey:
- Me myself isn't really a thing, though "I" still behave as if I do.
- perception is there though, implying awareness of those perceptions, implying awareness. Which also seems like a bit of philosophical wankery to me, pardon my spanish, but perhaps it's good for something? :D HELLO THERE, AWARENESS! :D
- Thought is happening and likes to think and be used to work with the "stuff" we circle around in our mental machinations - i'm pretty good at that and seem to enjoy this - AKA "knowledge work" or "software development". Lots of words and machinations. My jam! : D

- Everything being words and abstractions around some... elementary soup doesn't bother me? Isn't that like... Iogical? Captain?
- "Emptiness, when not given that label, is tasted as freedom" - Elementary, Dear Mr Watson! That is a really cool expression.
And i'm all here for it!!: D
-> Though this might have to be confirmed through direct experience before taken as gospel - The Gospel of Becca(tm)!
-> Thus meaning "bractice living in the now; experiencing life as-is", stop being in your head all the time.

Yes. I get that! : D

Am I DONE? : D

NO!

> WHO IS RESPONSIBLE?

WHY SO SERIOUS, Becea? Why does there have to be someone responsible after all? : D

OK! _I_ asked for that!

So yeah - i'm looking. At what is. And sometimes there is... silence. Some days more than on other days.

Still feels like i'm kinda - sometimes it feels like i'm "pushing away" thoughts to keep them down / from taking over.
Which sometimes feels like sticking my fingers into the ears into my mental head and singing "la la la" in order to not hear it : P

But yeah - That's where I am.

Here I went so here I am.

Hope that makes sense... should I be focusing / looking at something specific? Eg the one / none feeling "responsible"?

Let me know. Hope i'll write more regularly, if not more coherently. That is to be seen and experienced! :)

Thank you for for your support

Daniel

[graceabounds]

Still feels like i'm kinda - sometimes it feels like i'm "pushing away" thoughts to keep them down / from taking over.
Which sometimes feels like sticking my fingers into the ears into my mental head and singing "la la la" in order to not hear it : P

Can you push thoughts away? Are you able to ignore them? Much easier to just see through them…

Or to sit in the gap between them without minding as they pass by:)

It's just sometimes hard to actually SEE past the words and abstractions. The mind(tm) has the tendency to "get in the way" so to speak.

Yes when you are looking from the words and abstractions it is hard. So Look, don’t think :)

Wherever you are sitting right now, look for an object to use. Don’t pick up the object or turn it around, only look at what can be seen without touching it or turning it.

Now look at it and describe what you see. Give yourself a bit of time with it. Just look, nothing else.

Now describe the back side of the object.
How is it known what the back side looks like?
What tells what it looks like?
How can it be known that there is a back at all? That the object is 3D?
Can this be known in direct experience?

Can an object be known at all?

perception is there though, implying awareness of those perceptions, implying awareness. Which also seems like a bit of philosophical wankery to me, pardon my spanish, but perhaps it's good for something? :D HELLO THERE, AWARENESS! :D

Stop philosophizing then. Can anything be implied without a thought?

Is there effort required for perception to happen?

Is there a super self big Awareness Man image behind what is simply seen, heard, tasted etc?

Better to collect no nuggets. That too is the illusion.

[graceabounds]

How are you, dear?

Just checking on ‘you’ or the experience formerly labeled as Daniel… ;)

[ManicMonk]

Hi Becca! :)

> Just checking on ‘you’ or the experience formerly labeled as Daniel… ;)

Yeah... i'm still here?! :D

HOW WHY WHAT i'm not sure. I'm still I. As I was before. Perhaps. Perhaps.

I'm kind of... not looking a lot at any of.. the more hardcore things I could be looking at, mentally that is?

There was a lot of action in our lives in the last weeks... we moved to a new house, and we are still in the process... it was a lot of work! :D

---

Something that's happening is that I started doing morning pages as suggested by the "Artists Way" book... got turned onto them by this podcast mainly: https://tim.blog/2024/09/26/elizabeth-gilbert-2/ which was super cool, this Elizabeth Gilbert lady is really funny... and she did something similar it seems - she's writing to herself... she says:

"For the last 20 years, I've had a practice nearly every single day of writing myself a letter every morning from unconditional love, which is kind of a God presence.".

That kind of resonated bigly, because i've been... pretty off the rails for the last 9 months I'd say. I've meandered here and there, of course did the whole read-McKenna-then-came-here-trying-to-see - thing - but in "real life", family life, i've been kind of... very unclear on what I'd like to do, and how / when to do it...

So... This resonated with me, big time. And these artist pages seem to be a real nice way to pull the fuzz out of my belly button or whatever... to get unstuck and back into being and doing - by myself.

I kind of like the idea that - in both of these writing / listening excercises - it's less _me_ doing something but more of the _getting out of the way_ and find a loving guiding voice / inspiration - and not to take the responsibility on me to "do the right thing" if that makes sense.

I mean... remove the ego / the tightly controlled wanting process, get out of the way, let it flow, and seeing what _comes_ seems so... relieving to me. It just makes so much sense.

Tim and her also brought up the Artist Pages, and this time i looked them up for real.

---

Anyway. That's what's happened.

By the way, the podcast also, funnily enough (is that even english?), poked fun at my current meander-drifting position:

----

Elizabeth tells the story:

"So I would go sit in the cafe and I would write. And I remember this conversation happening next to me. So I wasn't getting any work done, but I was eavesdropping on this conversation and it was this man and this woman. And the guy asked the woman, you know, hi, you know, I know you've been looking for a job for a while. Do you find a new gig? And she's like, no, I've been really busy being non-dual."

Tim: <laughing> "Oh my God. Oh, that's like a New Yorker cartoon. That's so good."

Liz: Okay. So there is maybe a shadow side of presence, which could be a lot of navel gazing. And maybe that's totally fine. And in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't make a difference... (...)

---

Yeah! That's where I'm at! :D Navel gazing!

Navel gazing and trying to get the lint out! :)

I feel that this jives pretty well with Jeds' 2nd "option" - being awake in the dream but not awake from the dream... which he presents as the nicer option anyways :)

-> So - for me it feels like something actionable in a way and I hope it helps me to get some cruft out of my system and perhaps that'll help me get clearer on multiple fronts, perhaps even on "seeing" better and/or showing me where to look next...

(BTW the podcast was great - at least for me it was - once you skip the 5 minutes ads at the beginning! :) )

----

So yeah... that's where I am.

There was more... moving to the new house, finalizing the new house, the kid was ill at the same time too of course.. :D

Then it was his birthday + party, and at the end of next week we'll go on holidays for a few weeks and meet friends and family.

So it stays... interesting everything... in flux. Lots of movement.

Looking forward to coming home after the holidays and settling in... and playing with our new toys - the house, and all the stuff we have.

---

So yeah! A bit too much perhaps.

My wife always tells me: "You're drowning in a glass of water" or something to that end - and it might be true, that's pretty fitting - if there's too much on my plate, i kind of lose my bearing and tend to overheat (dont' wanna say burnout, it's the little brother of burnout perhaps)?.

---

Also - I think that's a bit my lifes' story too - I was melancholic often and didn't know what to do by myself. I hope that these artist pages get my _own_ inner juices flowing - out of me or through me.

(A friend of mine once told me, when I was like, 16 or 17 perhaps: I believe if some wild dogs would come at you, you'd stare at them until there were almost at you before you'd start running... and yeah, there might be something to that :) I kinda feel like i'm lacking initiative on the _conventional_ playground.)

That's the fun thing about the morning pages - YOU don't WRITE the morning pages - they _are_ written, you don't really have to write them yourself. They are written through you. I kind of like that! I don't have to force something on the page! It just happens on its own accord!

Take the hand off the tiller. "Jesus take the wheel? :D" -> not entirely like that. But a bit. You get my drift.

Less doing. More being.

Awareness.

Awareness - that's something that I seem to be having / doing / experiencing too. But... i'm also someone who enjoys his distractions. Listening to audio books, podcasts a lot; being busy, recently; and generally enjoying food and entertainment.

It's kind of an avoidance though, and a well honed one. I feel like today i'm a bit better, that's why I also managed to write to you too... I'm just taking the time.

Thank you for getting back to me!

I'm curious what'll happen next.

----

I had the idea of writing out the excercises / tasks on "what to look at" from our threads here and to put them on paper to take them with me... because for some reason they seem to escape me... easily when i'm away from the screen...

---

So... in total... i'm drifiting... floating through the ether... whatever that is... things are happening, working out; i'm doing my part, sometimes more, sometimes less...

But in the long run i feel I need to find a way to go back into "provider-mode" for my family... so i'll have to figure out how to reconcile that with the freedom of floating around... :D

Also what's weird: Now that I have the floaty time / i had the freedom to float for a while, I actually didn't enjoy it as much as I would have imagined it... i'm being all worried and stressed and thinking about what I should be doing etc etc and feeling like i'm not in control of my stuff, my todo lists etc...

But I still don't have a handle on either the lists nor on doing whatever seems necessary... or could be dropped perhaps... i'm just drowning in the water glass.

Perhaps it's time to let go for a little bit, as well as I can; and enjoy the time now and these holidays, til i'm back - WHEN i have unstructured free time - to enjoy it.

But there's also sooo much stuff still to do before we'll go on the holidays... aaah it just never ends does it? :D

Harder said then done. Or the other way round! :)

---

Anyways! And the beat goes on... :)

Hope you are doing fine! :)

Best wishes

Daniel

[graceabounds]

Hi Daniel,

Congratulations on the move. It is so nice to read this. There’s much less strain in what you’ve written than there was a few months ago. :)

They are written through you. I kind of like that! I don't have to force something on the page! It just happens on its own accord!

Lovely. Glad you’ve stopped grabbing the steering wheel every five seconds haha. Isn’t it the same with all of life? A movement through?

I had the idea of writing out the excercises / tasks on "what to look at" from our threads here and to put them on paper to take them with me... because for some reason they seem to escape me... easily when i'm away from the screen...

Ya, it gets to fit into life. A note on the bathroom mirror. A screensaver on the phone. Just reminders to take a moment and see what is true.

I’m still I. As I was before. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Perhaps, perhaps not. If you were pointing me, what would ‘I’ consist of in this sentence? What remains?


Enjoy the holiday of life!
:)

Becca

[ManicMonk]

Hello Becca! Thank you for the encouraging feedback! :)

> There’s much less strain in what you’ve written than there was a few months ago. :)

Haha, so we're in the acceptance stage now? :D

> Lovely. Glad you’ve stopped grabbing the steering wheel every five seconds haha. Isn’t it the same with all of life? A movement through?

Yeah i'm still wondering about that... but the writing... writes, that's nice. Seems there's an infinite amount of words ready to flow onto the page, so that's definitely... I know it might sound obvious to some... but it feels... nice that it just can start and keep going :)

>> I’m still I. As I was before. Perhaps. Perhaps.
-> Perhaps, perhaps not. If you were pointing me, what would ‘I’ consist of in this sentence? What remains?

Mmh. Quick feedback / idea: This brought me to realize that i'm much more in a battle with / looking at things which are _not_ _it_ - so - thoughts, abstractions, stories etc, ego, a construct, yadda yadda... which might be all good and fine but it's all what's _NOT_ it and not looking at what is, in a way... so weirdly... if i wanted to point you to look at something... most of what I was looking at so far is at what is _not_ it - and then... maybe just experience / look at the rest? What's left?

Reminds me of the old Douglas Adams quote about flying: “The Guide says there is an art to flying", said Ford, "or rather a knack. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”

-> But yeah. also a bit from McKenna, he's big on the removing of false beliefs til there's nothing left... so i guess I was coming from that angle... But what to look AT?

It's more... right now... I'm trying to investigate... what really _is_ me? Like a cat... watching things happening, watching me going through life, sometimes going slightly mad, impatient... and then wondering why... and then trying to see... what part of this is really "me"... what's going on here... am I doing this? If so, why would I? Am I doing someting? Should I be doing something, and if so, what?

-> And then i'm back in the story - i shouldn't do anything about doing anything or not doing anything... I mean, people are doers, we're always doing stuff.. it's hard to not do stuff, I mean, we're not rocks, we're humans, doing stuff seems to be pretty common!

So i kinda try to get out of the way, but then "I" still need to go somewhere, to thing about what "I" need to do, and to create my program I kinda shoulda do.

---

All of this is actually kind of going a bit sideways from a practical perspective: I've kinda lost touch with my motivation and am questioning a lot what I actually should do / should be doing...

And I have a real hard time focusing on any goals and then sticking to them and sticking up _for_ them.

So I feel a bit like a headless chicken a lot. Which isn't that bad, actually I could quite enjoy that, but there's so much going on right now where I kinda have to play ball and pull my weight too.... which is a bit difficult without a head / frontal lobe or whatever :)

---

ANYWAYS so where would I point YOU to look at - "I'm still I. As I was before. Perhaps. Perhaps" - Or perhaps not;

(I like this question a lot, it's a very nice way to see what the other is looking at / thinks to be looking at I guess):

IDK. "Be still and observe and listen to the silence between thoughts." That'd be the closest think i could point to.

Danielism would be: Try letting everything go for a bit, mentally - and just process whatever is there in and around you right now. Nothing more nothing less.

----

And that's it! :D

I don't know if it's wise to live from there. Feels a bit like abandoning responsibility.

I am still very much thinking from a "What do I need to do tomorrow.... I need to do / get X, Y and Z in order to... <get somewhere>".

And that's hard work for my missing head!

---

That's it for now! Not very clear instructions, i'm sorry! But that's where I'm at! You can try Danielology though if you like, it's free and doesn't hurt! :)

-------

The next days we'll be on the road, so don't expect a lot of quick replies, as I wrote before I think we're gonna go on extended holidays, which, ironically, i might have less time than usual to be on the computer :D

But let's see what'll come up!

I'll keep you informed and will be happy to hear from you. Thank you for your support! Where's your head?

[graceabounds]

This brought me to realize that i'm much more in a battle with / looking at things which are _not_ _it_ - so - thoughts, abstractions, stories etc, ego, a construct, yadda yadda... which might be all good and fine but it's all what's _NOT_ it

Yes. I think you’ve noticed something important.

For quite a while, your attention has been occupied with dismantling: thoughts, stories, ego, constructs, beliefs, doership… That’s useful. But there comes a point where dismantling itself becomes another project or improvement plan.

But what to look AT?

I think you answered your own question beautifully:

Danielism would be: Try letting everything go for a bit, mentally - and just process whatever is there in and around you right now. Nothing more nothing less.

And then this came in:

I don't know if it's wise to live from there. Feels a bit like abandoning responsibility.

Does it? Or does it feel like abandoning control?
(Those aren’t the same thing.)

Here’s something to notice over the next few weeks.

When your child needs something…
Do you first construct an identity called “Responsible Father”…
…or do you simply respond?

I am still very much thinking from a "What do I need to do tomorrow.... I need to do / get X, Y and Z in order to... <get somewhere>".

How many times a day does some version of this arise?
Is it true? Can you find evidence for the opposite to be valid?

Is there one who is in control of doing or getting?