realizing selflessness

[whoknows]

You seem to like busy work that distracts you from just LOOKING, so check this.

Was this supposed to sound insulting, or did I misundersatnd?

[Anastacia42]

No, not insulting. That's just what you're doing. Anything beyond just plain looking is not helpful. It's a distraction.

Sorry.

Loving,

[whoknows]

OK. Thanks.

[whoknows]

20 minutes of trying to just "LOOK" at sensations of butt-on-chair:
Mind very busy. Slowly settled down just a bit. But hard time attending for even a full second at a time to the sensations.

[Anastacia42]

Okay.

Carry on.

[whoknows]

About 20 minutes of ButtChair:
After the mind settled down a bit, spent a little more time noticing the pattern of pressure and sometimes the tingling sensations adjacent to the areas of the most pressure.
Remembered toward the end to try to relax into it.
This sometimes feels mostly like an exercise in noticing the types of thoughts that are stickiest for me and feeling how to let them come and go more freely. In particular, it helps to let go of any sense of a project to do or problem to solve.

[Anastacia42]

Okay

Relax & let seeing come to you. No effort.

Lovng

[whoknows]

Just used my regular afternoon meditation time (20+ minutes) for ButtChair. It was the “best” meditation period I’ve had for a while.

I suppose sitting up straight in a quiet chapel (just now) is generally more conducive to awareness than being a bit slouchy with a computer in my lap in a busy Starbucks (earlier today).

But also, I kept reminding myself to “relax” / “let go” (especially of thoughts) / “surrender” (I’m not sure to what, to the moment or reality or something) and also “Don’t take notes” (i.e., don’t put my experience into words) and “Don’t grab onto the next thought.”

And I offered up a few prayers to be able to finally let go of the illusory “self.”

The relaxation felt a little like I was letting gravity pull my attention from my head to my seat. I kept returning to a general awareness but with special attention to butt-on-chair sensations.

[Anastacia42]

Okay.

Just be aware of the oneness, No separation. And stay relaxed.

Loving

[whoknows]

Went to another one of Vince's Zoom meetings (almost 2.5 hours). It was good. It feels like he's trying hard to point me in the right direction — y'know, the direction of what actually is, here and now, underneath the mental overlay.

[Anastacia42]

Vince is very good.

I'm sure he is giving good guidance.

Loving

[whoknows]

Did 15 minutes of ButtChair. Took about 5 minutes to settle in; then was more with the sensations than usual. Trying to let attention relax/fall from the head to the seat. Trying to see that there are just sensations, or there's just sensing, without a separate "I" doing the sensing of the sensations.

The past few days, I've been watching and rewatching a couple of Angelo's videos on noticing the next thought that arises and on not grabbing onto thoughts.

I've been getting glimmers (as I have before, but they've never lasted long) of what is called "the lion's roar" in one of Trungpa's books: discovering that all situations are workable. What I mean is seeing that all emotion-thoughts (as Joko Beck calls them) are simply physical sensations, which are rarely particularly bothersome in and of themselves, plus thoughts, which are just wisps of mental stuff that arises, the content of which doesn't need to be taken personally. Vince offered the image of thoughts as just a breeze blowing on me.

[Anastacia42]

Yes. All good.

You can repeat any of the pointers.

Loving,

[whoknows]

Just did about 20 minutes of meditation, then evening prayer with the little ecumenical Christian community that my spouse and I are part of, which included about another 20 minutes of silence, which I used for more meditation.

I was simply resting as open awareness, keeping alert for the next thought to arise. And of the few thoughts that did arise, most didn’t even form completely or were kind of transparent. I kept reminding myself to “Let go” and, toward the end, to recognize the seeing, feeling, and hearing as just seeing, feeling, and hearing, without a “subject” doing the experiencing.

This was the quietest my mind has been in a long time or maybe ever. What a relief.

[Anastacia42]

Yes, it is a relief. You're doing fine.

Loving,