Searching for truth

[Anastacia42]

Good! You're doing fine.

Do not struggle. All you are doing is recognizing what is already not there. There is already no self.

Keep LOOKING.

Stay relaxed.

Loving

[WhoWell]

Audio #6

This one was very relaxing again. This is one I'd tried when I first read The Power of Now. At the time I had a really hard time feeling anything in my body, so I can see that I have been improving that. I can see that when I really put attention on them that boundaries get pretty fuzzy. I can also see the difference between having preconceived ideas of something you see vs just seeing it. Things still feel pretty separate though.

[Anastacia42]

Things still feel pretty separate though.

That is because you're still *thinking*

Tell me about your meditation using ONLY Direct Experience.

Direct or Actual Experience is

Seeing
Hearing
Feeling (Sensation, not emotion. Emotion is Sensation plus made-up thoughts & labels)
Tasting
Smelling
Thoughts Arising (but not their content)

Stop believing thoughts & LOOK

can also see the difference between having preconceived ideas of something you see vs just seeing it.

Good! Do that.

Loving,

[WhoWell]

OK. It is so easy to go back to thoughts. I need the reminders to get out of that sometimes.

In searching for where I is:
(Audio 7)

I felt an little contraction when first asking the question "Where am I?" As I noticed my attention fall on different things (seeing the sky, feeling a breeze, etc.) I could tell there was an awareness of the sensation. But when I went to look for I, I was always back in my head. It was just thoughts arising. It felt kind of like a wac-a-mole game where you can see the awareness popping up every moment of attention but never can catch it. It's just always there in the moment. I also noticed I'm starting to have more sensations pop up in my chest.

[Anastacia42]

All contractions indicate a lie.

"I" is a lie.

Explore ‘Sense of Self’

Let’s say that you have lost your keys and you swear that you left them in your coat. You go to look and check all the pockets - the keys are not there. You swear they must be as that was the last place you remember them. You have a vivid memory of putting them there after you left the house. But when you check they are not there. At this point you can keep believing that the keys are in your pocket, or you can admit you were mistaken.

This is just like that. You may see clearly that the self is an illusion but still feel a sense of self - just like the keys. But feeling something to be true and seeing that it is or is not is different. This is why we may find ourselves coming back to your expectations at the start and at the end.

Now, I’d like to ask you to explore this SENSE of self very-very thoroughly. Not by thinking about it, but by FEELING it. Keep the focus of attention on the sense of self and inquire:

Does the sense of self have a location?

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

What is found?

Loving

[WhoWell]

Does the sense of self have a location?

The sense of self is in my head. It feels like a computer recognizing inputs (sensations). It can be focused on specific sensations (e.g. the feeling in my feet) or more widely. The sense of self doesn't seem to be in the sensations though. If my feet didn't exist or i wasn't hearing the sense of self or awareness would still be there.

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

No, it is formless.

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

It recognizes sensations. The mind can interpret and say something about the sensations, but it is not the same as the being aware.

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

The sense of awareness is kind of like an antenna that allows the sensation to be communicated to the mind. Or like a machine that can measure vibrations. It doesn't do the interpreting like a scientist would. It simply registers the data.

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

It seems to always be present, whether focused on sensations or on thoughts. It also seems to be able to be focused by the mind on a specific thing or relaxed and open to what arises.

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

I don't know. It is not the same as the senses, but also isn't like my thoughts. It just is.

What is found?

This sense of awareness doesn't really seem like it can be known, but it is there. It is not the same as the labels (Whitney, mom, woman, etc) that would typically be said to be "me". I don't know what else to say about it.

[Anastacia42]

There is awareness. but no, that is not a "sense of 'self'."

Read the whole exercise again, please.

LOOK more carefully & answer those again strictly from Direct Experience. No thoughts. No stories.

Look at any Sensation.

Is it expansion or contraction?

Loving,

[WhoWell]

I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be difficult, but I'm not sure what you're pointing me to. When I look all that I can find are thoughts, sensations, and the awareness of those.

I can see that I am not thoughts. Those are just labels and not the actual experience.

I can see that I am not sensations. I am not seeing hearing, tasting, smelling. I am not the tingling sensations or the contraction and relaxation of muscles. I do still feel like the doer/decision maker much of the time and maybe that is part of my hangup?

All that is left is the awareness of those things. I have tried asking myself if the awareness is just another thought or sensation, but it feels different than those. I am left with I seem to exist because there is awareness. I'm not really sure where to go from there.

Thank you for the time you are spending with me. I appreciate all the pointers you are sending. I'm not trying to be difficult, just doing my best to honestly search. I haven't experienced any shift like what is described in other threads or in the books I've read. I still feel like a self, so I'm not sure where to go next.

[Anastacia42]

You are doing fine. We cannot make seeing happen. We can only create a condition in which it can happen.

thoughts, sensations, and the awareness of those.

That is all there is.

Be patient with yourself. There is no rush. You must relax.

You cannot look for what is not there except to notice that you can't find it. Just stay aware that you cannot find it.

Maybe you can look at doubts.

https://youtu.be/a_8N331jpA4?si=xmOi6jxwCzolyEHJ

Loving,

[Anastacia42]

PS. It has barely been 2 weeks. It took me 3 months and has taken other people much longer.

Loving,

[WhoWell]

Watching the video on doubt made me realize I do have some feelings that I haven't let through. I'm not sure what the underlying beliefs are. I have just been waking up over the last few weeks with my jaw in a lot of pain because of clenching my teeth in my sleep. So there has been alot of tension but I don't know why. My understanding from the video is that I just need to keep practicing being in the body- feeling the sensations in the body, being ok with whatever arises, and recognizing that the thoughts arising are just stories.

[Anastacia42]

Okay. You didn't ask any questions. That all sounds good.

[WhoWell]

Thoughts had calmed quite a bit in the last few months. Now noticing thoughts arising more again as life gets busier. Catching myself getting lost in stories, still thinking I/me/my a lot. Will thoughts calm more and more as they are seen for what they are? Realize they just arise and can't be fought. Still worrying about "getting things right" to not cause others suffering.

Also have a question about the doubt video. She talked about asking yourself if you can be in a body with the current sensation. How is that different from just becoming a martyr or letting your worth be stamped out because you can handle the pain? It seems like it would lead to letting go of all boundaries and letting others walk all over/abuse you.

[Anastacia42]

Okay. hi

Will thoughts calm more and more as they are seen for what they are?

Probably not. You just won't believe them.

She talked about asking yourself if you can be in a body with the current sensation. How is that different from just becoming a martyr or letting your worth be stamped out because you can handle the pain? It seems like it would lead to letting go of all boundaries and letting others walk all over/abuse you.

No. It won't. It's simply noticing Sensation.

All the rest of that is interpretation, not just simple Sensation.

Also, "If it hurts. you're lying. "

~ Byron Katie.

Period. Always. Every time. Re-read the truth/lie pointer. Look up Pernille's Body Yes Body No videos.

To handle the thoughts (abuse, others, etc.) Please look at doing The Wotk of Byron Katie. All that you need is on her site: www.thework.com
for free.
Katie does a live telecon on Tuesdays. i think that's $50.

Watch some of her videos.

A search for "Byron Katie boundaries " brought up a good AI summary. Try it. Here is the beginning:

"Byron Katie's approach to boundaries centers on recognizing the difference between your business, other people's business, and God's business (reality). She emphasizes that many problems arise when we mentally live in other people's business or God's business, rather than staying in our own. This perspective encourages self-awareness and self-responsibility in setting and maintaining boundaries.
Here's a more detailed look at Byron Katie's ideas about boundaries:"


Does that help?

Are you practicing ButtChair?

Loving,

[Anastacia42]

Hi Whitney,

Are you still there?

Loving,