Through the gateless gate

[vandyand]

Sorry, it's not my intention to quit or ghost the thread. I just don't know what to write. I could write about how I'm doing but isn't that all just "lies I'm telling myself" anyway? Or I could write "I see this, I see that, I hear this, I hear that" or "this and that is being heard and seen" but is that helpful? Or I could write "I've been ruminating on the conference talks you shared and I'm finding them helpful" but is this true? Perhaps I'm confused? No wait, I can't be because I don't exist! So.... nothing seems worth sharing? I don't want to quit but I don't know what to write. Sometimes at work it seems like I see through self but invariably the seeing passes and then the self is assumed again. But wait, that can't be right because I don't exist!... I am less depressed than I have been and more cheerful than I've been in a long time... but isn't that just another story?... so maybe "I feel like there is a belief I'm believing in that I'm less depressed than I used to be" but wait I don't exist so it's more like "There seems to be a feeling that there is less depression present than there used to be" but wait, the past doesn't even exist right? so then "Right now there seems to be some general cheerfulness... kind of". Is this worth sharing? I guess it's better than ghosting?

Thanks for bearing with me
Andrew

[Anastacia42]

Write Direct Experience of what happens with b you practice ButtChair or any DropBox pointer.

Yes. you'll often repeat the same thing. That's okay!

What matters is that you LOOK.

https://youtu.be/wyNwhK2Ur1c?si=TZwuFEst-7Hsadpu

Loving,

[vandyand]

Hi Stacy

Thank you for sharing that youtube video. What he said about desire really resonated and made me wonder if perhaps my desire could be improved cause it seems rather split at times. Like, would I rather realize the truth, or have a million dollars? Ideally both, but sometimes it seems that the desire for "stuff" is greater than, or at least competes with, the desire to recognize the truth.

Also it was a bit serendipitous how he mentioned awareness being like fire because this is often how it appears to me. Fire has been a theme for me lately.

I recently listened to this podcast which has been helpful as well. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V05gYqWs7f8 . Dr James makes the point that distracting thoughts/feelings/beliefs come up to be released and that the healing process is one of progressive releasing which has been a helpful framing.

Thanks,
Andrew

[Anastacia42]

Hi Andrew,

Just keep LOOKING. Awareness may dawn when you are relaxed and least expecting it. Meanwhile, this pointer can be used for depression or any "negative" emotions:

Here is an anxiety exercise that focuses a person in the present, and in a part of the brain that cannot do anxiety. Basically, go through each sense and say (or think) "I see/ hear/ feel/ taste/ touch ______________." A minute or two of each and usually anxiety is gone.

I see the couch.
I see the keyboard.
I see the glass. Etc.

I hear the train.
I hear the keys clacking.
I hear my breath. Etc.

I feel the couch under my butt.
I feel my fingers on the keys.
I feel the cold air. Etc.

I taste a metallic taste in my mouth.
I taste the coffee.
I taste the food. Etc.

I smell the humidity in the air.
I smell my husband's shampoo.
I smell the soap. Etc.

As far as I can tell, the only time this doesn't work is when someone won't do it.

Loving,

[vandyand]

Hi Stacy

Just an update: I don't mean to be overly theoretical or anything here - just trying to explain how some experiences have been occurring lately. It seems difficult to put these experiences adequately into words. This is partly why my communications have been inconsistent.

That being said, there are times when it seems the truth dawns "on me". It's funny that these occurrences are much more common when outdoors than indoors though they do occur indoors too at times. These occurrences seem to slowly be becoming more frequent and "easier to stay with" as it were. It's almost as if the ego is looking for a foundation for itself (like something that's different from the unity state as it were), but it's becoming more and more apparent that in truth there is nothing for it to stand on (that is truly separate from unity as it were).

Thank you for the encouragement to keep looking.

Thanks,
Andrew

[Anastacia42]

Okay good. Remember, it will always come and go. It's lather, rinse repeat.

Check your expectations.

Loving,

[vandyand]

Hi Stacy

Not sure what to write but wanted to send an update. Things have seemed quite "normal" this week with less depression and anxiety noticed. Partly there seems to be confusion here. If "my story" is not real (like the story of how this last week has gone), is it still even worth writing about? If the past is not real then why even mention it? But then what else is there to write about? But then it seems beneficial to write so...

Recently I've been consuming more non-dual material while at work, usually in the form of podcasts. I know at the beginning of our communication I agreed to not be distracted by other things from this guidance, though these non-dual podcasts seem supplemental, not distracting. Just wanted to mention this and get your input on it if any. I've also slowly been going through the guided meditations you sent earlier via dropbox, though these are less conducive during work and better during alone time it seems. I've been through the first three lessons of the dropbox content. Perhaps it would be beneficial to go through these more quickly.

On another note, could you quickly clarify the butt chair exercise? Is it simply searching for the "difference" between the butt and chair in direct experience?

Thank you for "sticking with me" through this meandering journey. It seems helpful simply writing to you and getting this "stuff" down and your guidance is appreciated.

Thanks,
Andrew

[Anastacia42]

You are doing fine, Andrew.

If you don't write, I can't offer guidance. We use "I" and words as a convenience, even while knowing they are an illusion. Just a paradox.

The DropBox recordings were done in a 3-day weekend. I was there. But do them when you feel like it.

The reason we ask you not to be doing other methods is because it can be confusing. We use Direct Pointing. We do not use "who am I?" or other pointers. Many of these are perfectly good methods, just different and can be confusing. If *think* you need other input, go find Pernille Damore on YouTube. She's great.

ButtChair makes you LOOK, not think. By seeing no separation between you and the chair, you may SEE that there is no separate "self." I did.

You can do this as Butt on Chair, if you like:


Hand on Desk

Please close your eyes for this exercise, just notice any ‘mental’ images or thoughts that appear and put them aside.

Place a hand on a desk or table (flat surface) - Close your eyes.

Now 'go to' the Sensation which we would normally refer to as 'hand on desk' and answer from what you can FIND.

1) How many things do you find? Are there two things (hand and desk) or is there one thing – AE of sensation.

2) Do you notice 'one thing feeling another thing'? Or is there just 'a sensation'?

3) Do you find an 'I', a body, a hand 'feeling' . . . or is there just 'a sensation'?

Look very carefully. Where does ‘feeling’ end and Sensation begin? Can a dividing line between ‘feeling’ and sensation be found? Or is there just sensation?

Can a ‘feeler’ ever be found in 'what is being felt' – AE sensation?

If that is all, and no INHERENT FEELER is found . . . would anything that is suggested as the feeler be other than a concept/idea/thought?


You can try this with your eyes open. If you can let go of the "separate hand or butt" story, it can be very interesting.

Loving,

[Anastacia42]

Hi Andrew,

It has been a week. It is okay if you have nothing new to say, but please post at least every other day.

So what is going on?

Loving,

[vandyand]

Hi Stacy

Yes, I'll try to write more often. I listened to a Pernille Damore on YouTube doing an "ask me anything" with Angelo Dillulo which was good. This got me on an Angelo kick and I started listening to his interviews with ZDoggMD which are also good.

What's the difference between direct pointing and inquiry? Direct pointing points to direct experience and inquiry asks "Who am I", "What is experiencing this", "What is this", etc?

Concerning the hand on desk exercise:

1) How many things do you find? Are there two things (hand and desk) or is there one thing – AE of sensation

It's interesting. When I do this exercise with hand on desk, when I focus on the sensation initially it appears in my mind's eye that there really are two things there but I realize the two things are just thoughts about the desk and the hand on it, like mental images of these things, and not the actual sensation itself. Then when I refocus on only the sensation there are not two sensations (like sensation of the desk plus sensation of the hand), but simply hand-on-desk-ness as it were. But for some reason it is difficult to stay focused on this sensation because there is a mental impulse to explain it and many thoughts come up like "Well, yeah, maybe it's not two things but then what is it?" or "Yeah, but I can kind of feel the difference between the desk and the hand right?" (even though I can't) or "The desk is kind of like darkness and this sensation is kind of like light" (which imposes duality). Or even deeper questions like "If reality truly is non dual then who, what, where am I?"

Can a ‘feeler’ ever be found in 'what is being felt' – AE sensation?

In spite of the best attempts at rationalizing, when really looking, a feeler cannot be felt in 'what is being felt' unless you say what is being felt is the feeler. Maybe they're the same?

If that is all, and no INHERENT FEELER is found . . . would anything that is suggested as the feeler be other than a concept/idea/thought?

No I don't think so. But say the feeler is simply a concept/idea/thought, it's a very pervasive one.

Part of me is grappling with the "notice the thought but not the content of thought" idea. I've also been noticing that most thoughts have a certain "feel" to them. I've been trying to focus on the feeling of thoughts instead of instantly categorizing and judging them which just leads to more thoughts.

I think partly why I have been hesitant to update more frequently is that I feel like what I write is a jumbled mess and I should have stuff more figured out before writing, which maybe is simply a defense against feelings of shame and inadequacy that I should just feel.

When I try to "sink in" to the senses I notice that I'm getting better at it, kind of like riding a bike. However often when I do this it seems that all my experience/sensations are illuminated but there becomes a very dark, heavy, black-hole-ish thing that is "not this" that floats into/ appears in my upper right back/lower neck area. And when I sit with this dark energy thing it is not pleasant and nothing seems to happen, it just kind of stays there. Though all the other sensations being "illuminated" is pleasant. And sometimes I can "project" this dark energy thing into an object outside of me, like something dark in my visual field, which can be surprisingly pleasant/helpful but then it's still there... I may keep playing with this. Sometimes it's not as hard and persistent and it helps doing the dropbox dissolving contractions exercise.

Thanks
Andrew

[Anastacia42]

Hi,

Good to finally hear from you. Please. At least every other day.

Pernille and Angelo are both good.

Funny you should ask. Read this:

https://www.liberationunleashed.com/res ... implified/

partly why I have been hesitant to update more frequently is that I feel like what I write is a jumbled mess and I should have stuff more figured out before writing, which maybe is simply a defense against feelings of shame and inadequacy that I should just feel.

Don't worry about any "jumbled mess." Those are just thoughts. Ignore them. Don't believe them.

feelings of shame and inadequacy that I should just feel.

Remember, emotions are Sensation plus content of thought. Ignore the labels & stories. Or just be with them. They can't hurt you. And I certainly don't find anything shameful or inadequate here. Those are lies. Just stories.

That "dark energy" story? Just more thinking. Ignore that, too. Focus on Sensation.

Any of the DropBox pointers that help are great.

You are doing much better than you *think* you are! ;)

Loving,

[vandyand]

Thank you for sharing that helpful article on direct pointing vs "Who AM I"? . Perhaps I'm naturally more drawn to the "who am i" approach because of my presbyterian christian upbringing - where we learn, of course, God tells Moses his name is "I AM that I AM" yahweh (breath). Though according to the article direct pointing is more direct (hence the name i guess). I have noticed that asking "who am i" generally results in an answer of stillness and quietness or vastness. Initially i overlooked this rather obvious answer but perhaps less so as i go. However it is a bit tiresome asking this over and over. It seems like beating the expectation for an ego-pleasing answer to death with a limp noodle or something lol. I'm all about efficiency so this helps clarify why direct pointing is the pathless path of liberation unleashed. and it kind of makes sense (though I don't know why everything has to make sense to me lol). It's funny though cause I think i've kind of been doing both cause I read this book once that says I should ask "is it true that there is no 'I' experiencing this" or "is it true that 'I' does not exist?" . I guess these are more direct pointing questions? These questions are fine too but they also lead to answers of just nothingness (stillness silence void whatever). Or maybe a quietly whispered "yes" but then.... ok, is that helpful? Helpful to who? Who's even asking these questions if "I don't exist"?

I'll keep focusing on sensation.

You are doing much better than you *think* you are! ;)

Thanks for the encouragement!

Thank you for your guidance,
Andrew

[Anastacia42]

You're welcome.

IGNORE CONTENT OF THOUGHT

Let it be a mystery.

We can never know how or why.

LOOK

Loving,

[vandyand]

Hi Stacy

There has been a lot of LOOKing going on recently though it still seems so easy to be distracted by thoughts instead of ignoring their content. It does seem like "contractions" in the mind/body are progressively untangling which is nice, but it also seems like a very slow untangling at times which can be discouraging - but then again, what's the rush?

It's becoming easier to slip into "noticing mode" (as opposed to the default obsessive thought mode), especially when I'm alone like driving home from work or sitting alone or even at work sometimes. The more I simply look and notice, the more I seem to be "gripped" by looking and noticing which is an encouraging sign. It seems I'm "progressing on the pathless path" whatever that means but it feels nice.

There's still this persistent identity association with this body though which is annoying cause intellectually this doesn't make sense when looked into but also it seems impossible to dissolve this identity fixation (through will power at least, which maybe doesn't exist... but then the only alternative is waiting? and noticing? sigh).

Thanks,
Andrew

[vandyand]

Hi

Well it seems nothing big or important has been happening lately. Just trying to keep looking and experiencing. Noticing more and more the fleeting nature of thoughts, being illusory. I've noticed many of my thoughts are concerning my vocation. But when awareness is noticed the thoughts seem to recede somewhat. Sometimes there's a doubt that if I fully embrace this presence with abandon then I'll become lazy and apathetic. Writing this makes it all seem silly but there it is.

Thanks,
Andrew