Hello, Magdalena :)
Thank you for bearing with me! Here are the answers. Please let me know whether anything needs elaboration/clarification. I gave the answers as they feel the most natural and complete at the moment, but many things feel assumed by now, so I am happy to elaborate if necessary.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
No, no separate self. Can’t be found anywhere, and never was there. When I try to find it now, there is a vague sense of a sort of an outline which doesn’t feel “animated” – just a structure for functioning in the world.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
The way I see it now: I was born and in the course of development adopted numerous labels and concepts about “myself”. There was no other way. This collection of identifiers was perceived as characteristics of something true and really existing – myself. The constant sense of incompleteness of this entity, frequent shifting of characteristics, inability to “put my finger on it” have been a source of constant discontent and uncertainty. Something felt wrong, something key, fundamental. Desperate attempts to analyze myself, to change myself felt like trying to map out a large hall, filled to the brim with debris and furniture, in complete darkness, by touch. To answer the question, the illusion of separate self is taking the collection of labels for something that real.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
To see this feels comfortable, natural, as a release/relief on a somatic level. There are many changes, for example, less thoughts about “me”, like the subject that was at the forefront of attention all this time, became not interesting. Hardly any rumination about the past or thoughts about the future, except for practical needs. The sense of urgency and constant background anxiety about the things “I need to do” is gone. Urgency comes up, anxiety comes up, but they are just that, not overpowering, not “mine”. Things are being done, sometimes not, and all feels well on a deep level.
Another thing, which only now comes to mind: Sol has always been obsessed with psychological processes within as well as the meaning on life, universe and everything haha. Now, there is just a “take it or leave it” curiosity about both. No compulsion to dig and dig for an answer within or ask and ask for an answer from without. It is just all right, even when it feels painful. There is no fear about not being able to function well without a self, because nothing really changed, not in the "real world", just like background noise noticed with a relief, only when it's gone. The other day it hit me that I am not suffering. There is suffering, of course, it's just not the same, like a difference between imagining biting into a lemon and actually doing it. There is a sense of awe and wonder, very quiet, without exaltation yet bigger than ever experienced before, even in my most exalted moments.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
In the last long message from you, there was a phrase “keep spinning the stories of Sol's suffering”. Somehow, it just hit. We’ve talked about stories so many times, but this time it snagged at something. Maybe just a different angle – I knew that MY stories were just stories, but when I read that these were Sol’s stories, in this particular wording, it created what felt like a tear, like a degree of separation. It is so difficult to describe, especially using words like separation lol. The thought was “Holy shit, these stories have, like, nothing to do with me, who IS this Sol, anyway, why this obsession with some stranger's stories?!”
5) Describe
- decision,
Something that the mind claims as its initiative when the action has been long underway already. What the word “decision” is applied to, I simply don’t know. The best definition that comes up right now is the unfolding of what is that mind needs to find an explanation for.
- intention,
Same thing, different flavor (lol, isn't everything?!) in terms of the mind’s way to categorize things. A label slapped onto an arising impulse to do something, most of the time, again, “caught and labeled” when the doing (or the sensation of intending to do) is already happening.
- free will,
The sweetest and the most oppressing illusion of “me”, lol! Sol’s belief that something depends on Sol. The concept of free will makes perfect sense in terms of functioning in this perceived reality, like any other concept, but it’s just, well, can’t be found. Seeing this feels like a relief.
- choice and control.
What “me” sees as its choice is a natural confluence of innumerable factors the mind can’t understand or imagine. As a metaphor, “choice” is a one-digit solution of a volumes-and-volumes-long math problem, that “me” grabs and claims as “mine”: “yes, this is the answer, because I say so, duh”, unaware of the math problem or of the fact that the solution is interim, and the math problem will go on and on and on.
What makes things happen? How does it work? Give examples from experience.
Hahaha, I don’t know! :) I have no clue! Things happen, that’s all. It all happens, or not, which is the same – I wake up in the morning, pick jam for my toast, say something as I say it, experience an emotion, feel a desire to do one thing or another, fall asleep – these things just happen. What made “me” type the last few sentences the way I did? What made my cat try to climb on my keyboard right now? Sol will have many explanations, but even those, if run to the end of the logical chain, eventually run out and nothing is left but THIS, what is, the way it is.
What are you responsible for? Give examples from experience.
Nothing. There is a functional responsibility (function of me structure/avatar) – like, Sol is responsible for taking care of her cats. No responsibility otherwise – no one to BE responsible.
With gratitude,
Sol
