with open curiosity and gratitude

[Sol42]

Hello Magdalena,

Belief that there must be a point/purpose/meaning to life, and that an individual has to be useful/helpful/productive.
Just because the voice insists, do you need to believe what it says?
It’s proven to be a slippery one: mind just doesn’t want to stay on the subject. It’s really interesting. Looking continues.

It’s proven to be a slippery one: mind just doesn’t want to stay on the subject. It’s really interesting. Looking continues.
Very good. 😊

It is still a confusing question, yet formal investigation makes less sense – there is this sense of almost boredom, as if this is not interesting anymore. The charge, if not completely gone, isn’t bothering. The issue seems to be almost exhausted. I don’t know how this happened or why, but I “will take it”. It also gives me incentive to look more, as well as to look at other beliefs more systematically.

In general, the idea/sense of self lands in the body. Can’t find self, but can “feel it”, whatever this feeling is.
Can you see that what you’re feeling is nothing more than innocent bodily sensations? But once they are coupled with concepts that society has conditioned you to take for granted, this gets the label “self”? And so you’re duped into believing it’s “self” you’re “feeling”?
Look into this carefully.

Yes, I can see it. More precisely, I can see feelings/emotions as innocent sensations. Arising. Fading. Just being there. I can also see that the “hooking” happens as soon as the story comes up to “explain” the sensation. There’s always a story, and it comes with contraction, every time, even when the feeling is “positive”. What I do is stay in the gap between the sensation and the story. I cannot stay in the gap for long, yet. Maybe it will lengthen, maybe it will transform altogether, no idea. Just feeling through it. I have a question about deliberate investigation here, in terms of challenging the story. Let’s take something simple: a friend cancels a coffee date. Possible feelings, among others: disappointment, upset, irritation, fear, inadequacy – depends on situation. So, let’s say I look at disappointment, set aside the label, sense it, let it be as it is. The story/labels are right here, like a mountain in the very corner on my mental vision field: “well that’s sucks, I’ve been looking forward to it, it’s the third time they’ve cancelled, now I have to look for another day, and I am so busy, yada, yada”. I can see that the story is there, looming. I kinda know what it says, but keep the focus on sensation without a name, on imagining this feeling without concepts. Being in the gap. Then I move my attention to something completely different. Sometimes it takes many cycles, and eventually I forget about the “bothersome” feeling. However, it doesn’t feel satisfying lol. As if I left the job half-done. I don’t go to the story to deconstruct it peace by peace: does it really suck – what is “suck” – how does it feel – is this feeling just a sensation – what other labels this sensation is associated with, etc. I don’t do it because, honestly, it feels daunting and endless and overwhelming. I am afraid to get lost in yet more rabbit holes and end up feeling “even worse”. That’s the story about exploring the stories. So for now I just cop out, every time. Maybe ask 2-3 questions, at most, hoping that with practice there will be some kind of accumulative effect, more capacity to hold things that have been “true” for so long, but aren't any more. What are your thoughts? Any pointers? Would it be a good thing to go through the “story mountain” stone by stone? Or is this approach is inefficient/ineffective altogether?

In a way I feel in a kind of limbo (& being impatient) – I am looking, but not well enough – I’ve heard this story before he-he… At the same time, there is decrease in urgency to “get somewhere”, to “have results”.

…Self IS - as an idea, as a story, but this is it. “I” doesn’t have to squeeze itself into Self. There is no dichotomy self/no self. There is Self AND everything else, ALL else, all of it. I can keep the memory box, I can feel the compassion and acceptance towards the story it holds, as I do now…I just don’t need to see it as THE source of information about who I am, as who I am. Just a box. Feels like there is more space now, stepping outside this box.
Absolutely.
Lovely story, lovely imagery – but, yes, a story nevertheless. And yes, nothing needs to be done about any of it: no need to identify with it or disown it or anything. Just let things be, right?

Yes! Not as an action I have to take – “let things be”, but as a way to be without action – “stop” trying to rearrange the clouds in the sky, already: you simply can’t.

And this is a very fresh experience, there is a strong pull to be in it, to see what else it holds. It is also less conceptual as many of the “shifts”, more of a sense. Your thoughts?
Follow the pull then. You don’t need me or anyone else to tell you what to do.

It is a wonderful place to be, and very simple, no frills. I don’t know what to do with it, other than watch. And this lack of “things to do” is uncomfortable. So, there is a fear there – nothing specific, more of a confusion – “mmm…and? Now what?” – still a concept of a destination to reach. Also, doubts: “Well, it’s a pretty story, all right… but admit that it is all a hoax - you simply found a mind trick that allows you to feel better, to worry less about things. You worry less – you slack – you zone out of real life that still goes on, btw – no one will take care of it but you”… Oh goodness, just typing this out is so funny! And just to make it clear: I am taking care of life no less than I used to, business as usual. How do I look at it? “So what”it? Laugh at this frantic part, show it compassion, sense it without labels, all of the above? I do get overwhelmed + tentativeness, feeling of not getting/doing it right.

There we go, one thing leads to another - so many tabs open in my mental browser, that I usually just give up, just close them all down without looking closely at any but one or two, and sometimes not even that.

Yes, it is all good, and I see the absolute beauty and isness of this overwhelm, too. AND would appreciate your thoughts. Just continue? Something more specific to focus on? Anything else? Maybe look into the feeling of not looking enough/ not looking THE right way, since this seems to be the noisiest monster under my bed at the moment?

Thank you SO very much and I hope my ramblings made enough sense.

Sol

[Magdalena]

Hello Sol,

Lots going on there ;-)

It is still a confusing question, yet formal investigation makes less sense – there is this sense of almost boredom, as if this is not interesting anymore. The charge, if not completely gone, isn’t bothering. The issue seems to be almost exhausted. I don’t know how this happened or why, but I “will take it”.

Nice, isn’t it?

Things happen without Sol the Great-Controller-of-Life. ;-)

I can see feelings/emotions as innocent sensations. Arising. Fading. Just being there. I can also see that the “hooking” happens as soon as the story comes up to “explain” the sensation.

Right.

I cannot stay in the gap for long, yet. Maybe it will lengthen, maybe it will transform altogether, no idea. … So, let’s say I look at disappointment, set aside the label, sense it, let it be as it is. … Sometimes it takes many cycles, and eventually I forget about the “bothersome” feeling. However, it doesn’t feel satisfying lol. As if I left the job half-done.

OMFG (pardon my French)

Aren’t you seriously overdoing things??

My head spins just reading what you’ve written…

I don’t do it because, honestly, it feels daunting and endless and overwhelming.

I bet it does.

Would it be a good thing to go through the “story mountain” stone by stone? Or is this approach is inefficient/ineffective altogether?

I know there’s speakers out there who advertise this kind of procedures. I hear there are people who find it helpful. But I’ve never done this kind of thing, and don’t intend to.

For one thing, neuroscientists have found that if you don’t fuel your sensations with new or repeated stories for as little as 90 seconds, the sensations subside and disappear (and they take their labels with them).

Secondly, why not keep things simple?

I already told you what I do: see the story coming, laugh it off/appreciate it for the free entertainment it delivers/blow it a kiss/swear at it… That’s basically been my entire repertoire for the past couple of decades, implemented rather consistently. It works, for the most part. If it doesn’t, and some story swallows me up, so be it. Nothing lasts for ever, does it?
But if you want quicker/better results, I’m not the one to ask.
Or if you want to die a perfect human being, the best ever version of Sol. I kind of doubt if you’d die happier, even if you died completely perfect. What’s the appeal??

I am looking, but not well enough

You are straining too much.

At the same time, there is decrease in urgency to “get somewhere”, to “have results”.

No kidding?

Not as an action I have to take – “let things be”, but as a way to be without action – “stop” trying to rearrange the clouds in the sky, already: you simply can’t.

You know what – I know the weather may not be ideal for this right now (I don’t know where you are), but why don’t you just go take a proper walk in nature when you get a day off? Wander aimlessly through a park or forest, look at the trees, the sky and whatever else the weather allows you to see at this time of year? No friends, no music, no scrolling – just walking, hiking, sitting on a bench if possible – just living, being, relaxing?

It is a wonderful place to be, and very simple, no frills.

Yes. Simple it is. ;-)

I don’t know what to do with it, other than watch.

Live?

And this lack of “things to do” is uncomfortable.

Laugh at this discomfort. Give it the finger. LOL

So, there is a fear there – nothing specific, more of a confusion – “mmm…and? Now what?” – still a concept of a destination to reach.

Nothing. Business as usual.

I do get overwhelmed + tentativeness, feeling of not getting/doing it right.

You’re obsessing about this like a schoolgirl over her first date – imagining her wedding already.

Relax. You can’t go wrong with these things. But you certainly can overdo them.

Yes, it is all good, and I see the absolute beauty and isness of this overwhelm, too.

Good.

Thank you SO very much and I hope my ramblings made enough sense.

You’re most welcome.

Have I missed anything?

[Sol42]

Hello Magdalena,

It took me a long time to reply. As you've mentioned,

Lots going on there ;-)

Indeed (facepalm emoji)

I cannot stay in the gap for long, yet. Maybe it will lengthen, maybe it will transform altogether, no idea. … So, let’s say I look at disappointment, set aside the label, sense it, let it be as it is. … Sometimes it takes many cycles, and eventually I forget about the “bothersome” feeling. However, it doesn’t feel satisfying lol. As if I left the job half-done.
OMFG (pardon my French)
Aren’t you seriously overdoing things?

LOL I think the “problem” is that I am DOING things, let alone overdoing…

For one thing, neuroscientists have found that if you don’t fuel your sensations with new or repeated stories for as little as 90 seconds, the sensations subside and disappear (and they take their labels with them).

Sensations have been VERY short-lived, lately, indeed. It might be one of the scary parts – I have been so accustomed to steep in stories and emotions, refuel them and refuel them, that now when a sensation arises and then fades, Self is “screaming” about being frivolous, not taking “things” seriously enough (I mean, seriously, LOL?). We’ve talked about it before - I am sticking to the SO WHAT tool, if I can call it that, the “let’s just let it be and see what happens” tool and, to be completely honest – “I’m so tired that I can hardly care about the story you are spinning” tool…maybe overdoing it on occasion teaches me how to overdo less.

I already told you what I do: see the story coming, laugh it off/appreciate it for the free entertainment it delivers/blow it a kiss/swear at it… That’s basically been my entire repertoire for the past couple of decades, implemented rather consistently. It works, for the most part. If it doesn’t, and some story swallows me up, so be it. Nothing lasts for ever, does it?

Agreed, most things do pass quickly and painlessly. I am grateful, however, for you mentioning: “If it doesn’t, and some story swallows me up, so be it.” This happens, and I feel like a failure when it does. Confusion, fear, suffering. Yet, the “it’s all good” extends to these episodes, too. To all episodes. So easy to forget when “swallowed”. So primed to categorize things as good or bad. What arises at the moment of this being typed is curiosity, relaxed curiosity. There is fatigue from wrestling, a sense of giving up on it, easing into whatever is. I believe a lot of it has to do with your next suggestion.

You know what – I know the weather may not be ideal for this right now (I don’t know where you are), but why don’t you just go take a proper walk in nature when you get a day off? Wander aimlessly through a park or forest, look at the trees, the sky and whatever else the weather allows you to see at this time of year? No friends, no music, no scrolling – just walking, hiking, sitting on a bench if possible – just living, being, relaxing?

It is cold where I am now, not a very walkable weather, but I have been doing a lot of what you have suggested, indoors. Just sitting, or actually just sensing through whatever is happening. Not engaging, just sensing, being. Being tired helps, feeling stuck helps in a certain strange way: a feeling of giving up on trying to DO, like giving up on trying to see in pitch black room and relaxing into senses, instead. I’m not going to see/understand, it is not to be understood, so the mind can take a break, just step aside. This is primarily what is going on now – relaxing into the experience…no, not even that, this doesn’t sound right. Less sense of separate me relaxing into some sort of a separate experience, just being a whatever is being.

I don’t know what to do with it, other than watch.
Live?

Keep forgetting that this is actually an option LOL! But seems it’s been more of it lately. Just came to mind that with doing less and life being as demanding and complicated as ever, there has been more of this state of OK-ness, even if reacting to being swallowed by stories at times. I understand – the peace/happiness/ok-ness are concepts, yet how else are we to convey our experiences? Was relaying a short glimpse of “me” disappearing to a friend, in a text message, today. It’s just impossible to describe! When I reread the message, it makes no sense: “I was sitting in front of a TV and then I disappeared for a few seconds. There was a body, there was a character, somewhere, but they weren’t me, there was NO me, all just was”. With this and a few other glimpses, what has changed it that they are not “big things” as they used to be, but just happenings. Like sweet little gifts without too much meaning behind them – somehow, it is a very calm and intimate feeling.

I can’t wait for the warm weather and “just walking”. Meanwhile, just being LOL. Any pointers and suggestions will be appreciated (“I MUST be doing something wrong, or could be doing something BETTER” – gosh this is HILARIUOUS!!!!!!!!! 😊… what a beautiful thing THIS is).


With gratitude,

Sol

[Magdalena]

Hello Sol,

Good to hear from you.

LOL I think the “problem” is that I am DOING things, let alone overdoing…

Well, that’s conventional language, isn’t it? Like you could just stop “doing” or “overdoing” – but, either way, it happens on its own, you don’t make it happen.

Self is “screaming” about being frivolous, not taking “things” seriously enough (I mean, seriously, LOL?).

Yes. LOL LOL LOL

“I’m so tired that I can hardly care about the story you are spinning” tool…maybe overdoing it on occasion teaches me how to overdo less.

Cool. ;-)

Agreed, most things do pass quickly and painlessly. I am grateful, however, for you mentioning: “If it doesn’t, and some story swallows me up, so be it.” This happens, and I feel like a failure when it does. Confusion, fear, suffering. Yet, the “it’s all good” extends to these episodes, too. To all episodes. So easy to forget when “swallowed”.

How very me-centred LOL
Like it mattered to anything/anyone other than the "me". Always makes "me" LOL to see it happen.

So primed to categorize things as good or bad.

Oh yes. All those opposites: right/wrong, pleasant/unpleasant, desirable/undesirable, and all the rest.

What arises at the moment of this being typed is curiosity, relaxed curiosity. There is fatigue from wrestling, a sense of giving up on it, easing into whatever is.

Good.

Less sense of separate me relaxing into some sort of a separate experience, just being a whatever is being.

Just experience, right?
Being.

Any pointers and suggestions will be appreciated (“I MUST be doing something wrong, or could be doing something BETTER” – gosh this is HILARIUOUS!!!!!!!!! 😊… what a beautiful thing THIS is).

LOL
LOL
LOL
Isn't it?
LOL

[Sol42]

Hello Magdalena,

You are teasing me by not giving me specific things to DO! :)

LOL I think the “problem” is that I am DOING things, let alone overdoing…
Well, that’s conventional language, isn’t it? Like you could just stop “doing” or “overdoing” – but, either way, it happens on its own, you don’t make it happen.

I never thought about it this way. This shifts something. Like, another reminder that I can simply live. Every time such a reminder feels like a permission.

Agreed, most things do pass quickly and painlessly. I am grateful, however, for you mentioning: “If it doesn’t, and some story swallows me up, so be it.” This happens, and I feel like a failure when it does. Confusion, fear, suffering. Yet, the “it’s all good” extends to these episodes, too. To all episodes. So easy to forget when “swallowed”.
How very me-centred LOL
Like it mattered to anything/anyone other than the "me". Always makes "me" LOL to see it happen.

Well, I never looked at it this way either. Are you saying that when “me” gets swallowed/frazzled, this is exactly what happens – ME gets “fill in the blank”, ME alone, and I don’t actually have to identify with it, do anything with/about it? It is so simple, unless I miss the point. What comes up is fearing to lose the “good stuff” along with the “bad” (gee where all this stuff is coming from?), almost a feeling of grim determination to not let this happen. So, there is a solid belief that the emotions will be dampened, dull. This does not come from my experience, neither it is something picked up from the “spiritual sources”. Why, then?

My experience over the last few weeks: emotional intensity has decreased, dramatically. Often feels like dissociation. Since I don’t know what is going on, just “letting it be” without putting in my 2 cents (sometimes it even works), trusting that it will figure itself out, just like its been doing all along. This “new” fear – same story. I don’t know how it is “going to be”! Whatever I imagine it exactly that – imagination! And this fear IS so innocent. What is behind it? Desire to feel good, safe. This just is, too.

"So what"ting this fear/belief brings me to "I don't want an emotionally flat life". I will look into it. I can't imagine feelings that matter to me at the moment to ever flatten: emotions associated with awe when in nature, love, compassion, etc. Now looking at it, with decreased emotional intensity, these kinds of emotions has become more clear. Calmer, yes, but finer. Wow.

With gratitude,

Sol

[Magdalena]

Hey Sol ;-)

You are teasing me by not giving me specific things to DO! :)

LOL

another reminder that I can simply live. Every time such a reminder feels like a permission.

But living is happening already, permission or no. ;-)

Are you saying that when “me” gets swallowed/frazzled, this is exactly what happens – ME gets “fill in the blank”, ME alone, and I don’t actually have to identify with it, do anything with/about it?

That too, but also that everyone you ever meet walks around obsessing about their own “me”, and so why would they bother about anyone else’s? Meaning the only one who gets to obsess over their “me-ness” and the stories that go together with it is this very “me”, which only exists in thought. Nothing there to identify with either way.

there is a solid belief that the emotions will be dampened, dull. This does not come from my experience, neither it is something picked up from the “spiritual sources”. Why, then?

It’s a belief, as you say – and as such may not have any validity. Or it may. Who are we to know?

…trusting that it will figure itself out, just like its been doing all along.

Yes, it will. Always does.

This “new” fear – same story. I don’t know how it is “going to be”!

No one does. No one makes it happen, and no one is in control of how it goes.

Whatever I imagine it exactly that – imagination! And this fear IS so innocent. What is behind it? Desire to feel good, safe. This just is, too.

Yes.

[Sol42]

Hello Magdalena,

But living is happening already, permission or no. ;-)

True. I have been observing the living and it’s just happening. Me getting less in the way of it, if we can even say so, less attempts to orchestrate the weather. The voice saying that I am not doing enough is still here, but I claim it less. When I don’t engage, there is discomfort, and it just is.

It’s a belief, as you say – and as such may not have any validity. Or it may. Who are we to know?

Yes, focus is more on sensation than knowing. “Figuring it out” is futile, not that desirable any longer, and in a way – uncomfortable. Feels like a disturbance in the field, when I get sucked into analyzing.

This “new” fear – same story. I don’t know how it is “going to be”!
No one does. No one makes it happen, and no one is in control of how it goes.

I had another “glimpse”: for about an hour seeing of emptiness, irrelevance of the Sol character, completeness of what is, how ridiculous, even understandable the notion of “doing” was. Somatically, was exhausting at the end. The things that I’ve noticed, and I would appreciate your take on it:
- Mind went ballistic. The length of the experience, it was screaming somewhere on the periphery. It wasn’t bothersome, still, I could sense that the “wall” between the experience and the mind was flimsy. Pretty much right after, it went into attack mode, coming up with a long list of fears and “bad things” about me – known, forgotten, unknown. Rapid fire, almost viciously. It was grotesque, amusing yet disturbing. I was physically exhausted, so went to bed and thus avoided dealing with this onslaught. What it gave me was a better sense of how strong resistance is.
- The emptiness was beautiful, alive, comfortable – and yet – vague general discomfort, like a sound I can sense but can’t quite hear.
- Sol was naturally just put aside during the glimpse. Not necessary/irrelevant. Now Sol takes much less of space and energy, I can’t really describe it…comes as a feeling of more resting and less noise.
- Looking back at the experience, I see that one big thing that took me ”out” was “ok, what now?” thought as well as my “favorite” “what do I do with all this”. Slipping into the narrator mode instead of just relaxing into the experience. Discomfort pushed me to engage with/hold onto thoughts. Looking into discomfort hasn’t shown anything, yet. I feel like I just freeze when trying to look.
- Not just that, the three days that have passed since the glimpse – the overall feeling of being spaced out, difficulty focusing on any inquiry, attention slides off things I try to sense. Feeling of just floating through a day like plankton. I don’t push, because it seems like there is a need to rest, especially physically. This is how it is unfolding, I see that. Yet, there is a strong pull to this discomfort and fear, curiosity about it – to look, to investigate, to “come closer” to it, to see what’s behind. Any suggestions?

With gratitude,

Sol

[Magdalena]

Hello Sol,

l had another “glimpse”: for about an hour seeing of emptiness, irrelevance of the Sol character, completeness of what is, how ridiculous, even understandable the notion of “doing” was.

Nice. 🙂

Somatically, was exhausting at the end.

This happens, yes.

Rapid fire, almost viciously. It was grotesque, amusing yet disturbing. I was physically exhausted, so went to bed and thus avoided dealing with this onslaught.

Well done.

What it gave me was a better sense of how strong resistance is.

Try and not reify or conceptualise anything. It's all part of a natural movement.

The emptiness was beautiful, alive, comfortable – and yet – vague general discomfort, like a sound I can sense but can’t quite hear.

Mind doing its thing again.

Now Sol takes much less of space and energy, I can’t really describe it…comes as a feeling of more resting and less noise.

Nice.

Looking into discomfort hasn’t shown anything, yet. I feel like I just freeze when trying to look.

It's all good, don't try to push or force anything.

the overall feeling of being spaced out, difficulty focusing on any inquiry, attention slides off things I try to sense. Feeling of just floating through a day like plankton. I don’t push, because

it seems like there is a need to rest, especially physically.
Good.

there is a strong pull to this discomfort and fear, curiosity about it – to look, to investigate, to “come closer” to it, to see what’s behind.

Wherever the curiosity leads.
You already know what to do.
Gentle does it. 🙂

[Magdalena]

Hey Sol,

How's it going?

[Sol42]

Hello Magdalena,

How's it going?

Wish I had more to report LOL!

There is a feeling that I have to come here bringing some kind of a "result", like a good schoolgirl. I know it's just a thought, and exploring it.

In general, nothing much is going on: life is life-ing, the attention to what is unfolding is almost constant, yet it rarely feels like a focused inquiry. General feeling of distance and even disassociation. Whenever I try to focus, everything becomes slippery. Attention just slides off whatever it's directed towards. I "sit" in this, what is perceived as avoidance/resistance, make space for it. A "practice" that naturally presents itself (feels like a path of least resistance) is just being, allowing, surrendering, not interfering: whatever happens, "good" or "bad", flows more naturally. It's easy to disregard thoughts, just acknowledge them at times and let them be. There is, of course, the whole circus of voices and fears. I don't feel like "I have it in me" to pick them up and address one by one. At the moment...how can i describe it...what's happening here is like looking and looking at a huge impressionist painting, getting a feel of it, a bodily impression, without going into technicalities of technique, colors, brush strokes and all... And, yes, about "bodily" - everything is going through or arising as (and experienced as) a sensation. A lot of discomfort, yet it is a comfortable discomfort, if feels right.

So here we go. Like in a warm ocean - feeling a lot yet no certainty about anything and no focus or drive to focus. I hope this makes some kind of sense.

I am very (VERY LOL) open to suggestions - I trust that the flow I'm in, even though seemingly underground and carrying me through complete darkness, goes exactly where it needs to go, and I will know what to "do" when it needs to be "done". For now just staying open and attentive.

Please talk to me !! :) Not asking you to tell me what to do LOL, but if you have a feeling that the flow I am in might be nothing but "Lethe", or any other comments/suggestions, please let me know, coz I have no idea what is going on!

With gratitude and warmth,
Sol

[Magdalena]

Wish I had more to report LOL!

Is there a sense that something should be happening differently than it is?

General feeling of distance and even disassociation. Whenever I try to focus, everything becomes slippery. Attention just slides off whatever it's directed towards. I "sit" in this, what is perceived as avoidance/resistance, make space for it.

… feeling a lot yet no certainty about anything

Sounds like there is a lot of recognition – just some lingering mental echoes trying to label it or frame it as something.
You don’t need certainty or focus, do you —but is there still an assumption that something more clear, more real, should show up?

Does that feeling of distance/dissociation have any substance at all?

Or is it just another passing sensation like everything else?

Can it be that this is mind’s last attempt to frame what’s happening as not quite it?

the flow I am in might be nothing but "Lethe"

Is there a "you" separate from the flow?

Is there a separate strand of “forgetfulness”?

Is there anyone to be forgetting anything or anything in need to be forgotten?

Or simply flowing, naturally, as life does?


If it weren’t for the freezing weather, that hike we talked about would be nice, but perhaps you can spend some time watching anything in your immediate surroundings, like a pet, people in the street, etc., just being with it fully, without labelling or interpreting?


Also, are you familiar with this ancient text, the Bahiya Sutta, in which the Buddha is talking to a guy called Bahiya?

“In the seen, there is only the seen,
in the heard, there is only the heard,
in the sensed, there is only the sensed,
in the cognized, there is only the cognized.
Thus you should see that indeed there is no thing here;
this, Bahiya, is how you should train yourself.
Since, Bahiya, there is for you
in the seen, only the seen,
in the heard, only the heard,
in the sensed, only the sensed,
in the cognized, only the cognized,
and you see that there is no thing here,
you will therefore see that
indeed there is no thing there.
As you see that there is no thing there,
you will see that
you are therefore located neither in the world of this,
nor in the world of that,
nor in any place betwixt the two.
This alone is the end of suffering.”

What comes up when you read this?


Write back soon. :-)

[Sol42]

Hello Magdalena,

Wish I had more to report LOL!
Is there a sense that something should be happening differently than it is?

Yes. A thought. There is also a lot of trust in what is.

You don’t need certainty or focus, do you —but is there still an assumption that something more clear, more real, should show up?

Yes. A fantasy that there’s still a promised land, based on the stories of others who reportedly reached it + dissatisfaction with NOW. When I ask the question about what exactly I am dissatisfied with, the answer is vague and generally refers to either a current physical sensation that I find unpleasant – anxiety, fatigue, full stomach etc., or a story of how things should be – there should be more energy, engagement, discipline, kindness, tolerance etc.

Does that feeling of distance/dissociation have any substance at all?

This is an interesting question. I am not sure I understand what exactly you mean by it but feeling into it for almost two days now: I wouldn’t say that it does. Can’t find it. When resting in it, it feels OK. Remove the “dissociation” label and it is just “a quieter place”. Yes, seems like discomfort comes from the unending attack of the mind, nudging to drop this nonsense already and live the right way – worrying about the future, stressing about responsibilities and so on.

Is there a "you" separate from the flow?

No!! This is what I keep snapping out of (LOL, how can I?!?) The hubris/innocence of self!

Or simply flowing, naturally, as life does?

There is this feeling of longing, when I read this.

If it weren’t for the freezing weather, that hike we talked about would be nice, but perhaps you can spend some time watching anything in your immediate surroundings, like a pet, people in the street, etc., just being with it fully, without labelling or interpreting?

Yes! 😊Two cats tell me they are at my disposal for this “exercise”. Will get back to you on this one.

Also, are you familiar with this ancient text, the Bahiya Sutta, in which the Buddha is talking to a guy called Bahiya?

What comes up when you read this?

A very clear sensation, something like a “ahhh” when sinking into an armchair after a long day, a relief of sorts. The mind stops for a bit, so there is a quiet and restful wave, even the muscles relax. On the mental level, interestingly, no objections. A thought arises: I feel it, I understand it but don’t know how to live it. I say: don’t worry, honey, there is nothing you have to or can do, all good. It feels really good, though, to put it simply. Desire to stay in it (as if one could even leave it he-he).

With gratitude,
Sol

[Magdalena]

There is also a lot of trust in what is.

Is there a “you” separate from “what is”?

When I ask the question about what exactly I am dissatisfied with, the answer is vague and generally refers to either a current physical sensation that I find unpleasant ..., or a story of how things should be …

Can anything ever be different from how things are?

seems like discomfort comes from the unending attack of the mind, nudging to drop this nonsense already and live the right way – worrying about the future, stressing about responsibilities and so on.

LOL yes, it’s doing its job perfectly, isn’t it?

There is this feeling of longing, when I read this.

This longing — longing for what exactly? Is it real, or just a habit of mind reaching for something out of reflex?

A very clear sensation, something like a “ahhh” when sinking into an armchair after a long day, a relief of sorts.

What would happen if you stopped “sinking” and just realized you were never NOT in the chair? ;-)

A thought arises: I feel it, I understand it but don’t know how to live it. I say: don’t worry, honey, there is nothing you have to or can do, all good. It feels really good, though, to put it simply. Desire to stay in it (as if one could even leave it he-he).

Exactly. Nothing to do, nothing to get. Can anything ever not be THIS?

[Sol42]

Hello Magdalena,

Is there a “you” separate from “what is”?

No, in understanding. Not in feeling, unless the attention is on it, or rare glimpses.

Can anything ever be different from how things are?

No

LOL yes, it’s doing its job perfectly, isn’t it?

Oh, it is a pro!

This longing — longing for what exactly? Is it real, or just a habit of mind reaching for something out of reflex?

It’s a habit, see question one. It’s definitely “calmer”, more faint than before.

What would happen if you stopped “sinking” and just realized you were never NOT in the chair? ;-)

What comes up with this, is sadness, caused, as much as I can see, by lingering disagreement with how the world is.

Exactly. Nothing to do, nothing to get. Can anything ever not be THIS?

No, it can’t. The understanding of this seems complete, but what IS understanding, really? Thoughts keep coming, telling about something better ahead, always something better ahead. There is nothing to do, so the “practice” now is to be, to feel the armchair every time I am “online”. Longing/anxiety/joy comes up – look into it. Allow space. Relax tense muscles, reconnect with the breath, go into whatever is sensed. Let the thoughts pass. It’s the only thing that is happening right now.

Do you remember suggesting watching a pet? I’ve been with my cats, and nothing much comes up – they just are, it just is…like, nothing to say or think about it lol. Perfect this-ness. Maybe this is the whole point LOL! Mind demands some kind of a “revelation”, but it also demands a cupcake at 11 at night, ha-ha, probably not the best voice to listen to :D

With gratitude,
Sol

[Magdalena]

Hello there, Sol, ;-)

… lingering disagreement with how the world is.

Does the world need Sol’s agreement?

Isn't it exactly as it is, without any need for your approval or disapproval?

Do you remember suggesting watching a pet? I’ve been with my cats, and nothing much comes up – they just are, it just is…like, nothing to say or think about it lol. Perfect this-ness.

Oh totally. ;-)

Maybe this is the whole point LOL! Mind demands some kind of a “revelation”, but it also demands a cupcake at 11 at night, ha-ha, probably not the best voice to listen to :D

Come to think of it, can there be anything wrong with having one little cupcake at 11 at night?

If a cupcake appears late at night, then cupcake-ing is just what’s happening, isn’t it?

No problem, no controller, just cupcake-ing?

Maybe that’s the proper awakening: just eat that cupcake and move on, like a cat would if they were into cupcakes? LOL
How about one more line for the Bahiya sutta: “In the eaten, only the eaten”?

What do you say? ;-)