Looking and seeing

[Lucia73]

Dear Cheryl,
here is what happened.

Underlying my mood were various thoughts of annoyance.
The working day was getting longer as I waited for a Swiss colleague to provide me with two estimates.
In the meantime, my boss gave me one of two estimates, not perfect, but I entered it anyway. So, in DE, hearing, touching the keyboard, looking at the screen. Here is the first point where it seems like I had control. If I hadn't typed the numbers, the error wouldn't have occurred.
Finally the colleague sent me the numbers I was waiting for, we looked at them quickly together and the total didn't match but she didn't want to check and I couldn't find a space to insist on checking. Let's say here that it could be another point of my control, if I insisted. In terms of DE, there was just hearing, seeing and fast thoughts.
So, the colleague was in a hurry, I was annoyed and in a hurry, I turned everything off and left the office.
It occurred to me where the mistake could be, I pondered whether to go home or go back and I went home continuing to brood. In terms of DE, just thoughts, stressfull thoughts.
In summary, in the moments when I could have acted differently I didn't. I don't know why certain actions prevailed and not others. Can I say I could have done it differently? Obviously not, because I didn't.
I'm seeing it but I can't believe it...
I'm also seeing that I can't find a "me" anywhere, so there isn't a "me" that decided something.
I see it but I don't believe it. Thoughts of "it can't be", "you decide", "your responsibilities" continually surface.
Guilt is a thought. Exactly the thought that I could have done differently and I didn't. But I see that this is not the case, I see it and I don't believe it :-(
Certain actions occurred and not others.
There is no "me".
But there is a body with a brain, I see that actions are produced through it but they are not produced by it.
The brain is still an organ, it is not "me", so it cannot be the one who decides, any more than the stomach decides to digest. I want at all costs to find someone responsible for my actions. Maybe all my heavy Catholic education has a lot to do with all of this....so frustrating!

Love,
Lucia

[CherylVT]

Dear Lucia,

Can I say I could have done it differently? Obviously not, because I didn't.

Exactly!
Let's pause here and celebrate this insight. Woo-hoo!!!!!!

I'm seeing it but I can't believe it...

Does this mean
thought--i couldn't have done it differently
thought--i don't believe that

In other words, it's thoughts (or turtles) all the way down.

Go ahead and watch the mind struggle: thought, thought, thought.
Perhaps you will tire of the game?

here isn't a "me" that decided something

Again: let's celebrate this insight!

Guilt is a thought.

Yes, indeed.
And as you point out, well trained by a Catholic upbringing.
To break a mental habit like this, keep reviewing your insights.

Everytime, guilt comes up, break it down into Direct Experience. Again and again.

Love,
Cheryl

[CherylVT]

Dear Lucia,

There is no "me".
But there is a body with a brain, I see that actions are produced through it but they are not produced by it.
The brain is still an organ, it is not "me", so it cannot be the one who decides, any more than the stomach decides to digest.

Yay! There is not "me".

Is there a body?
Is there a brain?

Let's go back to the first Body Exercise:

Sit with eyes closed for about 15 minutes.
Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:
Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?
Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?
Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to?

Remember to use DE to describe the thought: I have a body.

Love,
Cheryl

[Lucia73]

Dear Cheryl, here’s what I found.

Can it be known how tall the body is?
Does the body have a weight or volume?
In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

When I am sitting with eyes closed I can’t have any information about the dimensions of the body or its form.
I also noticed that when I feel a sensation, the mind instantly define the place where it occurs and it takes an effort to ignore it. I dare say it’s impossible to ignore these thoughts. For instance I feel warm somewhere and there is a thought that immediately says “hands are warm”.

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing?
Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

No, there are just sensations, it’s the mind that gives an immediate explanation: “it’s the contact with the chair” or “this is the t-shirt on the skin”.

Is there an inside or an outside?
If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?
If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

I have understood that space reference is given by the mind, in DE there is just feeling the sensations arising, whit no space references, so if the mind was turned off without any space thought I couldn’t find any inside or outside.
BUT…when I open the eyes the inside is behind the eyes and the outside all there is in front of the eyes…
In this case it seems that seeing gives different information than feeling. I don’t understand…

❤️
Lucia

[Lucia73]

Hi Cheryl,
This evening I am gonna go to a yoga and meditation retreat on the mountain, so I will reflect again on the questions about the body.
Since now I have seen that I am not the body, I am not inside it and I am not my thoughts.
Love,
Lucia

[CherylVT]

Dear Lucia,

All good.

Let's return to your decision to go to Marrakesh.

There is a long list of events that took you to Marrakesh. You see there is no decision at all – it’s all one thing leading to another, leading to another, and finally thought appears to announce that a decision has been made. But now let’s examine this even further:

Do cause and effect exist without thought?
How are ‘cause’ and ‘effect’ experienced directly?
What is time without memory (thought content)?
Can you directly experience ‘past’ or ‘future’? Can you directly experience ‘1 min ago’ or ‘1s ago’?
Love,
Cheryl

[Lucia73]

Hi Cheryl,

I went home yesterday from the yoga retreat but the website didn’t work.
I hope it will work until the end of this writing…

Do cause and effect exist without thought?
How are ‘cause’ and ‘effect’ experienced directly?

Cause and effect are established by thoughts about what happened and in this sense cannot be experienced directly: they are thoughts about what happened.
They may be thoughts about the future (if I do this, that will happen) but they are not what is happening now.

What is time without memory (thought content)?
Can you directly experience ‘past’ or ‘future’? Can you directly experience ‘1 min ago’ or ‘1s ago’?

What is time is a hard question… the fourth dimension Einstein said 😁
In this inquiry, time is in memory or in projection, in the now there is no time. Yes, it’s a thought content, it is not possible to have a direct experience of the past or the future, as they don’t exist.

Love, Lucia

[CherylVT]

Dear Lucia,

At this point, it will be a good DE exercise to get out for an actual walk in nature and observe interconnectedness. See how ALL is moving interdependently, including thinking and the senses. Hold these questions in mind:

Is there anything that is separate from everything else?
Is there a border that divides “me” and “my body” from everything else, or is it just a thought? Is that interdependent movement outside of you? Is there an “inside” and an “outside”?
Is there an owner of being?
Are there others? Is there an “I” in others?
Is there a “you”?

Close your eyes. Do you see a border for being? Where does being end?
Now open them. In DE there is only seeing/hearing/etc. and thinking provides the labels. It’s like a picture that everything is drawn in pencil on paper – the illusion of separation is created by different colours used – otherwise it’s all paper.

https://media.gettyimages.com/id/807638 ... _liUT7M=
Different colors in seeing create the illusion of things but all that is there is seeing. Different levels of sounds create the illusion of a song but all that is there is hearing.

Can you see/hear that?

Love,
Cheryl

[Lucia73]

Dear Cheryl,

I took my time to answer these questions but I can’t see no separation, no borders, no inside/ outside.
I keep seeing the inside of this body as the place where my consciousness is located, I see the nature outside of this body, I am not merging with the others, I see them separate from me.
From an intellectual point of view I can understand that everything is within awareness, but I have no direct experience of it.
I'm trying to sit in meditation every day in the hope of silencing the mind and experiencing the Self, so far I haven't succeeded.
Maybe it’s just a matter of time, I do not know.

Love,
Lucia

[CherylVT]

Dear Lucia,

I'm trying to sit in meditation every day in the hope of silencing the mind and experiencing the Self, so far I haven't succeeded.

Who says there's a Self?
Maybe you can't succeed because it isn't there?

Here at LU, we narrow ourselves to Direct Experience.
Where in Direct Experience could a Self be found?

I am not merging with the others

Take this statement apart and express it in terms of Direct Experience.

From an intellectual point of view I can understand that everything is within awareness

An intellectual understanding is useful. It prepares the path, so to say. It prepares the mind.
Here at LU, we do not talk about Awareness. We only talk Direct Experience.

Look, really look for the separation between self and world. What do you find?

Love,
Cheryl

[Lucia73]

Hi Cheryl,
I tried to change the email address but I made something wrong and I had some problems to find the new post.
Anyway here I am.

Who says there's a Self?
Maybe you can't succeed because it isn't there?

Interesting question….in fact I’ve just read or listen to some spiritual teacher about this “higher Self” but never experienced it.

Where in Direct Experience could a Self be found?

I never heard it, see it or touched it. So it shouldn’t exist. But…if I am not my body or my thoughts, who am I? Who is alive?

Look, really look for the separation between self and world. What do you find?

When I look for the self and I see that I am not this body, I see as the body is “ other” than me, I feel separation between me and other than me.

Love, Lucia

[CherylVT]

Dear Lucia,

if I am not my body or my thoughts, who am I?

When you say it that way, you remind me of Roberto Assiagioli (founder of psychosynthesis), whose disidentification exercise went right along those lines.
"I have a body, but i am not my body.
I have emotions, but i am not my emotions.
I have a mind, but i am not my mind."
He proceeded on to "I am a Self," just as you have assumed (and i assumed for many decades).

What does Direct Experience say?

I never heard it, see it or touched it. So it shouldn’t exist.

Bingo!
It doesn't exist.
It is an assumption.
And once we look closely at the assumption, it falls apart.

who am I? Who is alive?

These are Direct Inquiry questions, that you can ask your meditating mind repeatedly. I personally find it more useful to ask
"What am i? What is alive." because maybe there is no "who."
But we are not doing Direct Inquiry here.

All we can know is Direct Experience--seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, thinking.
And thinking-sense-door likes to think that it knows how and what's happening.

Might you say that Life is seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, thinking?
and it's all happening without a me?
How does that feel?

Love,
Cheryl

[Lucia73]

Dear Cheryl,

Might you say that Life is seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, thinking?
and it's all happening without a me?
How does that feel?

There is no Self/I/Me..but something should be. This body is alive and I can say that what keeps it alive is the same thing that is seeing, tasting, smelling etc.
Call it “life” or whatever, the substance is the same.
What I think I have understood so far is that this life force is the same in each of us, but the perceptions are different for each of us and so we have different ideas and opinions etc. and we call it “I”,


❤️

Lucia

[CherylVT]

Yep.

Eight billion people.
Eight billion different perceptions.
Eight billion different "worlds."

Love,
Cheryl

[CherylVT]

Dear Lucia,

How’s life these days?
Is there still seeking?
Is there anything else that you want to explore together specifically?

Love,
Cheryl