Hellou friends

[Elad]

Ok I tried labelling but it went the wrong direction and made it even harder for me to observe the thoughts.

I decided to go back to the twim practice that I'm using intuitively and focusing on the sensations that are underlying the thoughts but instead of using it to dissolve the thoughts i came up with an approach that will hopefully help me to witness the thoughts and that will be able to help me do your exercise. I'll report back tomorrow what i noticed

Hi! Not all exercises are good for all. This one might not be for your brain. In that case just let it be an opportunity to see no control/choice/agency. No one is contolling how the brain works, and in any case, no one is observing or not observing. I get a sense it is good for you with the twim direction of focusing on sensations.

Beside that, focus on this last message:

Sounds like a lot of clarity here about the process. You are right there. Take the time you need to feel all the feels and weather the storms.

When ready look to be clear, is there any separate agent /agency at all? What is it that is imagined to be in control or in your agency and is it really?

But maybe wait with looking at that till you feel more available. You need to feel available to just look at it, from a calm place that is not making it about emotions// safety// good/bad-life. For now be kind with the emotions/heart.

Write when ready 🙏🤍

[WoollyShower]

Little update:

Lots of storms, especially around me in my immediate circles of friends, lovers,...

Ruminating has gotten less, emotions are still going up and down and round and round.

Some smaller parts are still hanging on by their fingernails (being special, agency, thinker). Some long lasting and widespread delusions about having to make myself small are crumbling. Doubt is still there. Lack of self esteem is still there but it's in the crosshairs, meaning there is some willingness to excavate it. Looking forward to that. Maybe tomorrow? Less rushing overall but more extreme ADHD symptoms (extreme hyper focus, rigidity of thought & chaos in action).

But things are overall moving slow and gently but it feels right this way.

[Elad]

Little update:

Lots of storms, especially around me in my immediate circles of friends, lovers,...

Ruminating has gotten less, emotions are still going up and down and round and round.

Some smaller parts are still hanging on by their fingernails (being special, agency, thinker). Some long lasting and widespread delusions about having to make myself small are crumbling. Doubt is still there. Lack of self esteem is still there but it's in the crosshairs, meaning there is some willingness to excavate it. Looking forward to that. Maybe tomorrow? Less rushing overall but more extreme ADHD symptoms (extreme hyper focus, rigidity of thought & chaos in action).

But things are overall moving slow and gently but it feels right this way.

Thanks for the update.

It sounds to me when you describe the phenomena in experience, you are describe what is just experientially unfolding, thoughts and sensations.

Is any of it a separate you?

Is any of it the choice or in control of a separate you? Or is all that, even experiencing of agency or lack, just what is unfolding by itself in the moment?

[WoollyShower]

Thanks for the update.

It sounds to me when you describe the phenomena in experience, you are describe what is just experientially unfolding, thoughts and sensations.

Is any of it a separate you?

Ok so what's happening is that there's significantly more acceptance for what is going on... At first there was this persistent thought that I should approach this TWIM meditation with regularity like 5 sessions a day, and there is an obvious refusal or inability to follow these directions and then some unpleasant emotions in response to not being able to do it.

The question "is it a separate you" is a bit misleading, because at least for my type of brain (taking things literally) the way this question lands is that i need to search for a separate me.. How do I explain this, it slowly dawned on me that this mindset that the question engenders is not conducive to the process. It activates a bias towards doubt and failure, towards finding something that is not there but then can I ever be really sure that it's not there and it causes more rumination and less freedom.

What has been working these days is noticing, and allowing a shift towards softening and acceptance. That everything is welcome what is happening... Like it starts with noticing what is already happening on its own without any effort or selfing, and then giving attention to that.

Instead of sitting five times a day or feeling bad that I'm not sitting at all (following the strategy of what "i" should be doing), using willpower i don't have. Instead of that there is a new tendency of gently opening to the thoughts, welcoming the restlessness and the doubt, and noticing whatever is automatically dissolving the thoughts on the level of sensation when awareness touches them. And instead welcoming the thoughts and the doubt and the frustration cause they are not really the problem in the first place.

And celebrating when i happen to remember to bring a smile to the process, which doesn't happen that often yet, but definitely easier than when I try to do it on the cushion.

What is still selfing is a deeply engrained arrogance that "I" am doing it. It's still holding on quite strongly. There is a vague sense of shame coming into awareness related to letting go of the idea of agency and specialness. That if I would let that go, if I would explore that and find out that "yes, I'm not doing anything" then it would be shameful because I'm not really trying hard enough, that I should be doing more, putting enough effort and ultimately proving myself. Getting the results to show for that effort, and ultimately identifying with the resulting sense of being special or deserving (of love, attention, care,...)

I know all about the futility of wanting hubris is what keeps me in chains, yet this part isn't quite ready to let go of that yet. It's been fighting for survival for a couple of years now. It is clearly seen that the arrogance engenders a sense of putting myself or other people up or down, which causes more disconnection and isolation in this reality bubble.

Jeah and then there is a lot of conditioning from school now visible in this particular context that causes me to make myself small towards questions like these, because my answers or my thinking (the type of thinking that happens in this body) didn't somehow seem to fit the expectations of my teachers.

There is a lot more capacity for holding this fear now, so thanks for pointing that out. Feels much better to have space to ramble what comes out and not needing to let fear compress my expression to imagined/implied expectations of my answer from whoever is asking the question. More space to breathe. Babysteps

Is any of it the choice or in control of a separate you?

No. Definitely not in control of any of this. And funnily whenever the thoughts relax more into this being true, the whole process unfolds a lot smoother somehow. It is not fully believed yet or integrated somehow. Feeling out the fringes of this dress, not wearing it just yet.

I mean there is some paradoxical synchronicity thingamabob going on in the background that is well, something's going on that resonates with hmm, choice on some other level, not sure yet, but jeah definitely no choice or control of a separate self... Those are thougts, part of a story.

Or is all that, even experiencing of agency or lack, just what is unfolding by itself in the moment?

Yes. As more of this is integrating, the whole picture seems to be moving more and more in that direction.

[Elad]

Right! The process is happening and will continue to flow with its own rythm and own curves.

So if I ask you to answer me short and succinct:

Is there a separate self?

Is there anybody who can control and choose what happens?

How has this seeing effected your emotional and relational life?

[WoollyShower]

Right! The process is happening and will continue to flow with its own rythm and own curves.

So if I ask you to answer me short and succinct:

Is there a separate self?

I don't know. Not in a way that matters. There's thoughts about a separate self which turn into a vague feeling of a separate self.

And a lot of resistance to answering these types of questions that are trying to have me look for something that is not there.

The question "is it a separate you" is a bit misleading, because at least for my type of brain (taking things literally) the way this question lands is that i need to search for a separate me.. How do I explain this, it slowly dawned on me that this mindset that the question engenders is not conducive to the process. It activates a bias towards doubt and failure, towards finding something that is not there but then can I ever be really sure that it's not there and it causes more rumination and less freedom.

What has been working these days is noticing, and allowing a shift towards softening and acceptance. That everything is welcome what is happening... Like it starts with noticing what is already happening on its own without any effort or selfing, and then giving attention to that.

Continuing this type of questions will not inspire insight unless I overcome the doubt first but the doubt doesn't allow that. I have an in now and I'm going to peruse it. More about this at the end.

Looking for something that is not there is in the case of my brain not causing any seing except in a purely intellectual sense. Rumination and doubt. That's all it does.

You told me to "keep a positive attitude" and pretend like everything is already doing great. Yet the questions you ask land in my system in a way that without fail creates more rumination, doubt and frustration, and less freedom. I can imagine that a person without AuDHD cannot understand that this is counterproductive.

Is there anybody who can control and choose what happens?

Choices are thoughts. Thoughts seem to be able to interfere with what's happening like slow down or postpone the process from unfolding. But other than that things are just happening still.

And the sense of a separate self is lingering in the background somewhere. When I look there is nothing I could find in direct experience. But seeing that doesn't make it go away.

The idea of a person that chooses something is tacked on at the end. My thoughts try to then make some grand elaborations about choice, ownership and personhood but it bores me, so I don't really indulge in that very deeply.

Ok I'm tired today so you don't get the "non-duality lingo", you gotta translate the "I's" yourself today...

How has this seeing effected your emotional and relational life?

Yesterday I was in a zoom call, a new club with 10 other people working with IFS. I've been doing a lot more "acceptance" work and realising that taking deep intentional breath makes space for the anxiety or other emotions to expand and take more space.

This has been very constructive and my life has been unfolding much more smoothly than before. Thoughts are more subdued in general.

Some rumination and a lot of doubt, as I mentioned above. But no "bigger" changes "in sight" yet.

Started drawing and approaching the polarity to the "should" energy that I've been trying to release of it's duty for the last 2.5 years. I call it "can't" energy and it's funny cause when I try to approach it it says that it's impossible and I will fail and get it wrong. Very meta.

Anyway... I'm gonna keep working with that now. I'm convince that integrating those two will help us move the needle forward in a major way.

Thanks for your patience. Hope you have a good day.

[WoollyShower]

Oh jeah, another thing I noticed was a general sense of peace with the idea of not having choice or agency throughout the day. Like doing the same thing I did with the "self", that I also had trouble confirming thanks to my brain & doubt. I ask myself what if it was true, throughout the day. Ok so I don't do it but I noticed that there is a resonance to that kind of investigation, it seems to be happening more and more and the outcome is very positive. Like a lot more curiosity about the process, and not really that much doubt and more and more looking.

One other thing as well that I forgot about now. Maybe it'll come back later.

[Elad]

Hi Synes

I am glad to here of the positive changes and that you are motivated to work in the IFS style way. I am glad the process has benefited you the ways it has so far.

Liberation Unleashed guiding, so called Direct Pointing, is all about looking to (a) what we assume to be the self or something in our control, and (b) to find that it is not a self and not in control. For many people, and I know of several with ADHD, this process has lead to a clear seeing that there is no separate self in control. Sometimes with one big shift, often with many small moments of seeing again and again, letting go of resistence and expectations and believed stories that get in the way, again and again.

For the process to work the guidee most be willing and capable of attending to these two aspects (a)+(b) ongoingly, setting aside (repeatedly) personal goals and self evaluations and stories about the body and mind, becoming fully interested and imeresed in this looking until clarity dawns.

The willingness and capability to do this can block for all kinds of reasons. We very often cannot be sure about what the reasons are. In the end if the willingness and capability is not there or stops being there, whatever the reasons are, this process get's stuck in its track. Sometimes it unstocks at some point, sometimes maybe not (for sure some people don't go through the gate with us).

I am wondering if we can help you more here within the goal and style of liberation unleashed, which is Direct Pointing and Looking. Maybe you have exhausted what you can recieve here for now. In that case you are more then welcome to return, should you feel ready for this focus again. Or maybe you can find a good way how we you can stay on the focus of this work (a+b), and have my support.

Outside LU I work as a psychologist and non-dual therapist. Should you wish at some point to work together that way, I'd be happy to do that. That kind of work is more open to discover how to support your unique wishes and needs, thinking patterns, emotional and relational patters, etc. I should mention that work is my livelihood and is for pay.

Please read this message carefully, take good time to think it through, and let me know what you think in terms of if we should stop LU work - for now - or if you can overcome some barrier or suggest something so we can continue the work in a focused way, focused on "(a)+(b)".

With warmth and dedication,
Elad

[WoollyShower]

Hi Elad,

Thank you for your message and the journey we've embarked on together. I'm writing with a sense of excitement for the growth I've experienced and gratitude for your role in it. Yet, I also feel a frustration stemming from our communication challenges, which seems emblematic of the broader misunderstanding often experienced by those of us with neurodivergent conditions.

Your description of the Liberation Unleashed process resonates with me deeply, especially the emphasis on looking beyond the self and the importance of letting go of resistance and preconceived stories. I don't sense and issue with either a or b, as we've looked at this many times throughout our work here together.

However, I sense that our communication has hit a plateau, one not of content but of understanding. Despite my efforts to share my world with you, there remains a gap that seems insurmountable at this stage. This gap, I believe, is less about the specifics of the process and more about the way we connect and interpret each other's messages.

In our interactions, I've attempted to be as transparent and honest as possible, sharing my experiences and the slow but meaningful progress I perceive in myself. Yet, it seems my way of expressing and processing doesn't fully resonate with you. This isn't a critique but an observation that our modes of communication might be fundamentally different.

Regarding the stuckness you mentioned, I don't feel stuck in my journey. Instead, I see a lot of movement and opening. If there's a perception of stuckness, it might reflect more about the interaction dynamics, and a lack of understanding than my progress through the process.

Your repeated inquiries and my responses seem to dance around each other, highlighting a need for a deeper understanding and perhaps a different approach to guiding. This realization leads me to think that our paths might need to diverge for now, allowing me to explore in ways that feel more authentic and effective.

I've heard the call for focus throughout my life, and your message echoes that. However, focus, as traditionally understood, isn't something I can easily access or sustain, a revelation that came clearly upon trying ADHD medications for the first time in 2021. This isn't a limitation but a different way of engaging with the world, one that requires a different kind of focus and understanding.

As I consider our journey and your kind offer to explore other forms of therapy, I feel it's time for me to pause our work together. This isn't a decision made lightly but one that honors my understanding of my needs and the respect I have for the work we've done so far.

I hope my reflections and the experiences I've shared can serve as a mirror for your own practice, offering insights that might enrich your guidance for others in the future. Your commitment as a guide is evident, and I believe our interactions will add a valuable perspective to your approach.

Thank you again for everything. I'm moving forward with a heart full of gratitude for the space you've provided and the understanding you've attempted. I wish you all the best in your continued journey of guiding others toward liberation.

Lots of love

Synes

[Elad]

Dear Synes,

Should your perspective change in the future, should something change and you be interested in continuing the work with me, I will be happy to. Also, a process is continuing by itself of again and again seeing through stories of self/identity/agency. More stories about self and others will be seen through, and at some point you might feel that now the seeing of no self/agency is experientially clear. At such a time, we have final questions in Liberation Unleashed, that gets reviewed by more guides. I invite you to come back and answer those questions when the time comes, if you do not come back to continue with direct pointing before that.

Thank you for the moments of sincerity, openness and looking.

With the best wishes for you,
Elad

[WoollyShower]

Thank you Elad.

I'll be working with a guide who is also on the spectrum, which will hopefully make the process a bit easier for me :)

I'll be back once I'm through for the final questions, or before that if I'm ready for a second round with you.

Have a nice day