What am I?

[Bluejay]

Lori, do you notice you are never really doing the pointers or questions? That's fine, but you don't need me if you just want to do your own thing :)

What I would recommend you do is just do vipassana noting practice. This can be done while meditating, but also during the day. All you do is note what comes up.

For example, sensation is noticed - note sensation
Image - note image
Thought saying 'Why are we doing this' - note thought without going into the content
Sound - note sound
Smell - note smell
Taste - note taste

And keep doing this. Direct experience is see, hear, feel, taste, smell. Anything else is thought.

Please do not expand on the above. Stay within these parameters. The point of this is to help you see the difference between direct experience and thought.

I have to be somewhere.

You inquire into this. What are the senses in this thought?

IS the thought 'I have to be somewhere', is that the self?
Sensations somewhere, is that the self?

[LoriAnn]

Henri,
Noooo! Thank you for pointing that out. I did not realize I am not following your guidelines. I get stuck in thought. I have been approaching this FROM THOUGHT.

I do not want to waste your time, and I DO want to pursue this. So, subtle noting, or vipassana noting practice is my new and only jam.

Thank you!
-Lori

[LoriAnn]

Continuation of the last message:

You inquire into this. What are the senses in this thought?

There are no senses in this, it is a thought. It is definitely the self's thought. It is a thought into the nonexistant future. I literally meant Lori had to get up and go and could not pursue the search for Lori's origin, right when I was in the thick of it. I was asking aloud if I could possibly be setting myself up for failure, because I don't leave enough time to let things unfold once I get to a good place where thought isn't dominant.

Perhaps this isn't the space for that type of question?

I appreciate your help Henri. And I appreciate the one task of vipassana noting. I find it helpful.
-Lori

[Bluejay]

There are no senses in this, it is a thought. It is definitely the self's thought. It is a thought into the nonexistant future. I literally meant Lori had to get up and go and could not pursue the search for Lori's origin, right when I was in the thick of it. I was asking aloud if I could possibly be setting myself up for failure, because I don't leave enough time to let things unfold once I get to a good place where thought isn't dominant.

Perhaps this isn't the space for that type of question?

I appreciate your help Henri. And I appreciate the one task of vipassana noting. I find it helpful.

What I meant by 'senses in thought' is how is the sense of self constructed. There is a thought yes, but in order to feel like a sense of self there are at least two things that are blended together, such as thought + sensation, or even thought + sensation + words (this is me).

To inquire, separate everything into their respective senses (including thought), and then look into each one individually, without thinking about it, simply looking, like you would look when bird watching.

If this is difficult, then return to the vipassana noting to become clear on the difference between the 5 physical senses and thought.

Let me know how the noting goes!

[LoriAnn]

Just a note before I start the day, last night I was noting everything as I went to bed. For a few moments I understood the cadence, the movement of everything. It was beautiful, and then it was gone. You may ask, who felt it? I don’t know. I was just a cog in the wheel.

[Bluejay]

Keep noting through any experience :)

[LoriAnn]

Hi Henry,
Lots of sadness and tears bubbling up today, from what I am not exactly sure. Realization of the losing of self, and also the loss of .... I don't know what to call what I understood last night, the wheel of time? The movement of life? I am sitting with the feeling of loss, just letting it be what it is. I don't know if it's helpful, but the emotion is strong, so I am going with it.

I have been doing the noting thing all day, it seems to calm my mind. Lori is in freak-out mode. Sad, irritable.

Separating Lori into thoughts and sensation, I found it very difficult to do, looking at it like I would bird watch really helped though, so thank you! I felt sadness, some anger, also love, and of course thought is there. Just going with the emotions themselves, trying not to have thoughts about them. Lori is a thought, with a lot of emotion. I hope that's what you meant by sensation.

I would like to continue with this, as I find it so difficult. It also seems to bring up a bunch of emotion attached to Lori, that I didn't even realize was there. Prior to this it was more like 'wack-a-mole'! If you know what that is... haha!

[LoriAnn]

Hi Henry,
Lots of sadness and tears bubbling up today, from what I am not exactly sure. Realization of the losing of self, and also the loss of .... I don't know what to call what I understood last night, the wheel of time? The movement of life? I am sitting with the feeling of loss, just letting it be what it is. I don't know if it's helpful, but the emotion is strong, so I am going with it.

I have been doing the noting thing all day, it seems to calm my mind. Lori is in freak-out mode. Sad, irritable.

Separating Lori into thoughts and sensation, I found it very difficult to do, looking at it like I would bird watch really helped though, so thank you! I felt sadness, some anger, also love, and of course thought is there. Just going with the emotions themselves, trying not to have thoughts about them. Lori is a thought, with a lot of emotion. I hope that's what you meant by sensation.

I would like to continue with this, as I find it so difficult. It also seems to bring up a bunch of emotion attached to Lori, that I didn't even realize was there. Prior to this it was more like 'wack-a-mole'! If you know what that is... haha!

[LoriAnn]

Hi Henry,
Lots of sadness and tears bubbling up today, from what I am not exactly sure. Realization of the losing of self, and also the loss of .... I don't know what to call what I understood last night, the wheel of time? The movement of life? I am sitting with the feeling of loss, just letting it be what it is. I don't know if it's helpful, but the emotion is strong, so I am going with it.

I have been doing the noting thing all day, it seems to calm my mind. Lori is in freak-out mode. Sad, irritable.

Separating Lori into thoughts and sensation, I found it very difficult to do, looking at it like I would bird watch really helped though, so thank you! I felt sadness, some anger, also love, and of course thought is there. Just going with the emotions themselves, trying not to have thoughts about them. Lori is a thought, with a lot of emotion. I hope that's what you meant by sensation.

I would like to continue with this, as I find it so difficult. It also seems to bring up a bunch of emotion attached to Lori, that I didn't even realize was there. Prior to this it was more like 'wack-a-mole'! If you know what that is... haha!

[LoriAnn]

Hi Henry,
Lots of sadness and tears bubbling up today, from what I am not exactly sure. Realization of the losing of self, and also the loss of .... I don't know what to call what I understood last night, the wheel of time? The movement of life? I am sitting with the feeling of loss, just letting it be what it is. I don't know if it's helpful, but the emotion is strong, so I am going with it.

I have been doing the noting thing all day, it seems to calm my mind. Lori is in freak-out mode. Sad, irritable.

Separating Lori into thoughts and sensation, I found it very difficult to do, looking at it like I would bird watch really helped though, so thank you! I felt sadness, some anger, also love, and of course thought is there. Just going with the emotions themselves, trying not to have thoughts about them. Lori is a thought, with a lot of emotion. I hope that's what you meant by sensation.

I would like to continue with this, as I find it so difficult. It also seems to bring up a bunch of emotion attached to Lori, that I didn't even realize was there. Prior to this it was more like 'wack-a-mole'! If you know what that is... haha!

[LoriAnn]

Hi Henry,
Lots of sadness and tears bubbling up today, from what I am not exactly sure. Realization of the losing of self, and also the loss of .... I don't know what to call what I understood last night, the wheel of time? The movement of life? I am sitting with the feeling of loss, just letting it be what it is. I don't know if it's helpful, but the emotion is strong, so I am going with it.

I have been doing the noting thing all day, it seems to calm my mind. Lori is in freak-out mode. Sad, irritable.

Separating Lori into thoughts and sensation, I found it very difficult to do, looking at it like I would bird watch really helped though, so thank you! I felt sadness, some anger, also love, and of course thought is there. Just going with the emotions themselves, trying not to have thoughts about them. Lori is a thought, with a lot of emotion. I hope that's what you meant by sensation.

I would like to continue with this, as I find it so difficult. It also seems to bring up a bunch of emotion attached to Lori, that I didn't even realize was there. Prior to this it was more like 'wack-a-mole'! If you know what that is... haha!

[Bluejay]

Lots of sadness and tears bubbling up today, from what I am not exactly sure. Realization of the losing of self, and also the loss of .... I don't know what to call what I understood last night, the wheel of time? The movement of life? I am sitting with the feeling of loss, just letting it be what it is. I don't know if it's helpful, but the emotion is strong, so I am going with it.

Always good to sit with feelings, be one with them.

I would like to continue with this, as I find it so difficult. It also seems to bring up a bunch of emotion attached to Lori, that I didn't even realize was there. Prior to this it was more like 'wack-a-mole'! If you know what that is... haha!

Yes, I know whack-a-mole :)

I was going to suggest that you continue with noting until things calm down and there's clarity.

Keep noting the 'Lori' that is angry into the 5 physical senses + thought.

Keep me posted though!

[LoriAnn]

Hi Henri,
I've been noting throughout the day, it takes me out of thought and into the present. It's so simple. The silence feels good.

Looking for the me today, I didn't find much. I feel it is elusive, or I put up a screen. Will look again tomorrow. I feel so much calmer. Sadness is gone.
-Lori

[Bluejay]

I've been noting throughout the day, it takes me out of thought and into the present. It's so simple. The silence feels good.

Great!

Are you now clearer about what awareness is in direct experience? Is there awareness aware of objects? What is it?

Looking for the me today, I didn't find much. I feel it is elusive, or I put up a screen.

Simply ask: How do you know it is there?

Let me know the answer and we can explore.

[LoriAnn]

Are you now clearer about what awareness is in direct experience? Is there awareness aware of objects? What is it?

Verbalizing direct experience only:
When awareness washes over me, which it does a few times per day, or something does, it is still. It grabs my attention. How do I know? A feeling in my head and body. It's as if something is saying, Hey! Look! It is here! But really, nothing is there. Nothing new at least. It seems to come when I am most busy, most lost in thought, and I do not always 'sink in' to it. If I keep on task, it goes away. If I give it my attention, it seems to deepen while I am focused on it. But 'I' remain while focused. Or at least the sense of something looking out my eyes does.

What it is, I don't know. it doesn't seem to be thought. I see every tiny molecule moving, the space and objects become the same thing, or I see that they are made up of the same thing. Am I seeing energy? Is this awareness? Or is awareness something 'other' that this is all occurring in? Sometimes everything turns white, flat. No distance. I am trying to just let things unfold, just notice what is happening around me.

Is this what you mean? I am not sure.
Sound seems to disappear during all of this, the visual field is so interesting.

I guess the answer is no, I am not clearer on what awareness is.

Simply ask: How do you know it is there?

This is in reference to self. In this mornings meditation I felt love and sadness for Lori. I looked in a different way today, before I had feeling of pushing Lori out, making her go away attached to my search. Today I only looked. In my body, I feel her in my chest. When in meditation, it is if i float up, so finding her caused me to go down, which I was loathe to do, so i left her there, and went up to blackness, not finding her 'up' there. Does that make sense?

-Lori