Liberation lost and found

[SarahLuna]

Does the sense of self have a location?

My body, in my head.

Does the sense of self have a shape or a size?

No. Actually now it feels like I am everything I see, oddly.

Does the sense of self say or communicate anything?

At the moment I feel a a bit nauseous. A lot of emotion arose today, from pre-verbal early life experiences, I think. So the nausea is probably linked. The awakening process triggers a lot of emotional release for me.

If the answer is yes, how does the sense do this exactly?

I feel lots of contractions and sensations in my body.

Does the sense of self have any characteristics or attributes?

It feels separate and alone.

What is the sense of self ‘made of’? An image? Sound? Taste? Smell? Sensation? Thought?

Thoughts, probably. And sensations that are maybe caused by the thoughts. Or linked to them.

What is found?

At the moment, heavy sensations linked to emotion. This isn't directly related to my life now, I think its repressed emotion arising.

[Anastacia42]

Okay, I'm glad you have a way to clear up what is arising. Good.

"Self" is nothing but thoughts, a story, a lie, even.

It's completely made up.

Check the sensations. Are they heavy? Tight? Contracted?

Those indicate a big, fat lie.

Here is how to distinguish truth from lies.


We often lie every day & don't realize it.

For example, the grocery clerk asks, "How are you?" You reply, "I'm fine." While, yes. there is a sense in which we are always fine, even in the middle of suffering, at that moment, you were grieving the death of your dog, you had a slight sore throat & you had a headache, but you didn't feel like sharing all of that with the grocery clerk, so you lied, "I'm fine."

Also, it matters none at all how "distant" the remembered lie is. Besides the fact that time itself is fictional, a kind if lie, as we recall the lie it becomes present in this moment, as if it were happening now. This brings the body Sensation that accompanies lying.

Lies can be intentional or unintentional, conscious or unconscious, even so automatic that we ourselves are fooled.

The story of a separate "self" is a lie.

This is the lie you came here to see through. Therefore, it is helpful to notice the body Sensation of lying as one of the tools for finding the truth of no self.

You want to be in touch with body Sensations & able to clearly express them in words. This will help.

Lies are usually felt in the heart or solar plexus as a contraction that we may label as tight, heavy or tense.

In contrast, truth is usually expansive. We may call it loose, light or relaxed.

First, can you remember a time when you lied to someone you loved?

Here we count anything, lies we think of as "big" or "small" that "matter" or don't "matter."

How are you? I'm fine. No, your knee hurts, but you don't feel like discussing it with the grocery clerk.

It's a lie. A seemingly "bigger" one will work better for this exercise.

Find the lie. I don't need the whole story, just a few key words to refer to it.

Then scan your body for any Sensation (DE or Direct Experience), particularly in the gut or maybe the heart. Check very closely.

What is found?

If you think the memory you used wasn't clear enough, find another one or lie to yourself right now, make something up.

1 + 1 = 14 is a lie.

I love eating worms is (probably) a lie.

Or call up a video of a lying politician & notice what Sensations arise as you listen.

I will give you a clue: it is not that peaceful Sensation you felt before when you omitted "I." (refers to an exercise I gave before this one)

Please report back with what body Sensations (not interpretations) you feel. Bodies can feel hot or cold, heavy or light, contraction or expansion, etc.

"Peaceful" is an interpretation of a body Sensation, not the Sensation itself, for example.

Do you see that?

Loving,

[SarahLuna]

I’m going to take my time with this and reply properly tomorrow. I’m starting to see myself as a story more and more.

Lots of heavy emotion is arising. I write a poem about it. It’s not sweet this time. But it’s honest!

The knot and I

There’s a kind of knot,
On my right side.
It begins under my ribs;
And it squeezes me.
It pushes right up into my neck.

I think it wants to strangle me,
I think it hates me.
And think I hate it.
Right now we both,
Kind of hate the world a bit.

But that’s all thought.
The knot likes to use my brain,
To wallow in it’s fu*ked up thoughts,
Then pretend that they are mine.

‘The emotional aspect of egoic consciousness’,
Is what Eckhart says it is.
Very clever, Eckhart.
I think it’s a sick, grotesque intruder,
And I wish it would fu*k off.
And I kind of wish that Eckhart would too.

The knot brings me unwanted gifts:
The gift of sadness.
The gift of aloneness.
The gifts of desperation
And despair.

Only Jeff Foster would call these ‘gifts’.
You have to be mad, or awakened,
Or both, to want all that.
I wish the ‘gifts’ would fu*k off.
I kind of wish that Jeff would too.

But that’s all thought.
And really I haven’t got a clue
Who the thinker actually is.
So I make a Herculean effort
To do what I am supposed to do.

Love the knot.
Welcome it
Hold space for it.
I sit with it.
For 30 minutes.

And then I go and get
A sneaky bar of chocolate.
And I eat it,
All,
Up.

[Anastacia42]

Kinda funny. I enjoyed the poem.

That Sensation is the tightness, contraction, heaviness of the lie feeling above.

Loving,

[SarahLuna]

Then scan your body for any Sensation (DE or Direct Experience), particularly in the gut or maybe the heart. Check very closely.

What is found?

I thought of a lie I had told my husband and I noticed a contraction in my chest.

I see how the separate self is linked to these contractions. They are coming up in response to me doing this work, perhaps? Energies in the body coming up for release. How do you work with these energies other than seeing that they are part of the lie?

[Anastacia42]

Good!

You don't need to "work with them." You notice the lie, then you simply notice what is true. That is what these pointers will help you to do.

"It is not necessary to seek for what is true, but it is necessary to seek for what is false. Every illusion is one of fear, whatever form it takes. And the attempt to escape from one illusion into another must fail"

Chapter 16, A Course in Miracles


"Self" is an illusion. Just a thought. "A tiny, mad idea." ACIM

Let yourself notice "selfing," and the contraction that happens with that.

Notice how it FEELS to see what is true.

Loving,

[SarahLuna]

Thanks. Those quotes from ACIM are great. I haven’t had much contact with the course but it seems profound.

I feel like I have seen that there is no self, then I move back into forgetting. Another contraction habitually forms.

I have tried to control life for so long, and I believed the illusion for so long. So it’s hard to fully shake it off. On the one hand I notice that when I relax and let go, I live to be in the glow of life. And it is surprising what can happen. On the other hand, I can get uncomfortable with the not knowing, and fear, sadness and so on arises. In these times I feel completely lost. I feel I have nothing to cling to.

I heard Shakti Caterina Maggi say, don’t look for meaning, be the meaning’ in her satsang recently.

I’m going to listen to Illona’s video about falling again.

[Anastacia42]

Good, yes & here is another about fear:

https://youtu.be/IbtozHC6p0w

Loving,

[SarahLuna]

I enjoyed the bilateral stimulation!

[Anastacia42]

Okay. Didn't know that was there.

Back to our main question: is it clear now that there is no separate "self? "

If so, how does it FEEL to see this?

If not, what false thinking are you believing?


Loving,

[SarahLuna]

Back to our main question: is it clear now that there is no separate "self? "

If so, how does it FEEL to see this?

If not, what false thinking are you believing?

When I do the exercises you give me, it is clear that I am like a river and am in no way separate from life. This feels quite freeing and at the same time quite beautiful. I was on a boat trip the day before yesterday and I saw a cloud. I realised that it’s just a label and that it wasn’t necessarily one thing. And it was always changing, and not separate from the sky, or even the rivers and sea and rain and so on. I am like a cloud.

It can feel like there is a separate self at times as I have lived with the idea of one for 46 years. It’s a habit, even though it’s not true. At the moment I am feeling a lot of anxiety, and sometimes I have been feeling sadness. Both of these are perhaps the ego reacting.

[Anastacia42]

Okay, please watch Ilona's video on fear & practice this anxiety exercise:


https://youtu.be/jKX1llYtlKE


Here is an anxiety exercise that focuses a person in the present, and in a part of the brain that cannot do anxiety. Basically, go through each sense and say (or think) "I see/ hear/ feel/ taste/ touch ______________." A minute or two of each and usually anxiety is gone.

I see the couch.
I see the keyboard.
I see the glass. Etc.

I hear the train.
I hear the keys clacking.
I hear my breath. Etc.

I feel the couch under my butt.
I feel my fingers on the keys.
I feel the cold air. Etc.

I taste a metallic taste in my mouth.
I taste the coffee.
I taste the food. Etc.

I smell the humidity in the air.
I smell my husband's shampoo.
I smell the soap. Etc.

As far as I can tell, the only time this doesn't work is when someone won't do it.

Sadness happens when we argue with reality & don't accept "what is." Where are you doing that? Can you find acceptance?

You're seeing it seems. This will come & go, maybe for years. That's normal.

Loving,

[SarahLuna]

Thanks!
Yes, the exercise works to relieve anxiety. It’s a good way to distract that part of my brain.

Where are you doing that?

I listened to a YouTube video on impermanence today. I realised that I have been trying to control reality all my life, and so impermanence is thought to be threatening. It’s a trauma response from early childhood.

I need to accept that I am not in control of anything and never have been. This then involves facing all the repressed emotions from the trauma, which includes anxiety. Attempting to control and perceiving that I am in control was a way of managing the anxiety. I had some anxiety in childhood and early adolescence but not after that. Now it has returned!

I suppose I didn’t accept what was as a child.

[SarahLuna]

Thanks so much for all your help by the way.
I guess I am now in the falling stage, which is quite uncomfortable.

[Anastacia42]

Glad the anxiety exercise worked!

When I do the exercises you give me, it is clear that I am like a river and am in no way separate from life. This feels quite freeing and at the same time quite beautiful. I was on a boat trip the day before yesterday and I saw a cloud. I realised that it’s just a label and that it wasn’t necessarily one thing. And it was always changing, and not separate from the sky, or even the rivers and sea and rain and so on. I am like a cloud.

All true & beautiful.

We have some traditional "final" questions, usually answered from the place you describe above. Would you like to try those? Then you can continue your unpacking. We have 3 teleconference groups that could be supportive.

Loving,