So many different glimpses, so little shifts

[luxapro]

Thank you Ilona :) will do and get back to you!

[luxapro]

Should I keep trying to find what's not happening by itself until there's absolute certainty? I've just sat for about an hour with this, and a bunch of stuff has happened.
- I've been lost in thoughts (in retrospect, just happened)
- I've noticed that I've been struggling because I was seeking so hard and didn't recognize that as an underlying thing that's just happening.
- I've changed questions to stuff like "do I control this" in terms of seeing or hearing etc.
- I've noticed that there's a lot of beliefs around this stuff and that there's a belief in when seeing things happening by themselves there would be "awakening" But this is also recongized in retrospect.
- I was seeking to see things happening by themselves and that's probably why I couldn't.
- It's also out of my control whether or not something is "seen" or not. - meaning if there's clarity in just happening or if it seems like I'm doing it.

So, I'll keep looking at this, because now that these are seen at least once, they can be more easily seen later on as well. What do you think? I'll just not do any dumb pointless activities and instead sit with this (if I can lol) :D

[luxapro]

Quick update: not asking if I am in control but rather is there anyone in control takes away a bunch of internal struggle and opens up more clear seeing.

[Ilona]

Nice one, thank you for sharing.
Yes, keep looking till you know.

And when you see beliefs arising, one way of meeting them is acknowledging the belief and checking is it true?
How do you know that belief is saying truth?

What is that is believing thoughts?

Also you can consider looking at weather. Is anyone in control of an individual cloud? Is anyone in control of which way the wind blows? And does there need to be a controller for the nature?

Are you outside of nature?


With love.

[luxapro]

Wow, the belief part is fascinating, got to look deeper to it. Just had a semi bad sit in terms of seeing clearly but one thing that seems to be opening is checking if there’s anything behind thoughts or actions. I believe I have to do this. But when I ask how do I know that to be true or who believes, it’s just silent. 😂😍

[Ilona]

It’s just silent :)
Here we go.
You know of that silence. I mean there is awareness of silence. That’s the answer. That what is always here underneath all thoughts.

Keep looking at the silence. :)

[luxapro]

Cool! It seems like my practice for now is that with every thought, asking who believes that thought and then sitting in the silence until next one comes and next.

[luxapro]

Just sitting with the eyes open, when a thought arises, it’s right now easier to see how it happens by itself and then asking where is the me or the one believing it and seeing more clearly that there really isn’t any entity.

The habitual believing is still coming up though. But I can now again see that it’s a thought explaining.

I notice that it’s easier to see when really being clear about what is here. Fir example a thought, when here, is here. Or the fingers, here. But then the me? Only suggested by words. I have to believe the words to say something here about the looking. And the looking needs to happen is a belief. Let’s look at that. It’s words, yet there’s struggle.

[Ilona]

The habitual believing is still coming up though. But I can now again see that it’s a thought explaining.

Yes, the habitual thoughts may still be arising. To be seen.

How is it going?
Is the separate self still here?

With love.

[luxapro]

Hey Ilona! :)

It’s going good, opening up more clear seeing again.

I understand how the supposed separate self works and believe I’ve seen it operating as well but it still seems like the belief isn’t dropped. Why? Because experience seems like I would be here. A me. I

[luxapro]

It feels like the actual is starting to open up, less thoughts and even if they’re there, the real is more interesting, deeper. More exciting, more real. More like home. The stories are not enjoyable. But the actual experiencing is. Nothing’s gone but there’s a direction where this wants to go.

[luxapro]

Hello Ilona, it's been a while.

I was reading your book and wanted to express my gratitude for the work you've been doing and are still doing. It's wonderful. And thank you for trying to help me in the past. I can see now I clearly had some beliefs operating and it has taken me those years to let go of a bunch of stupid stuff. I came here because I remembered your way of pointing to check how the forum is doing and started reading your book. I would really like to try this again. To do it properly, as last time I think I was too blind to be able to properly look at beliefs and let them go. Last time I think I gave up because you might've forgotten to answer or gave up on me, which is completely understandable and the right way to handle business as I was clearly not ready.

Best regards,
Me