Hi Vivien,
Please answer the following questions with some detail please, and answer what's true for you rather than any sort of 'ideal' answer. Also please provide examples where asked.
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No. From practicing the looking exercises I haven't once been able to find anything that could be verified to be an 'I' or a separate entity, whether it was 'a part of me' that is real and definite or some other for of entity or 'higher self.' If the 'I' doesn't exist now, it never existed anywhere except the imagination.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
The illusion of separate self is the belief that the thoughts and sensations we notice are being observed or experienced by a living entity that resides 'inside us,' or is a part of ourselves separate from or in control of our actions we take and the decisions we appear to make. An example from my own experience of this has been noted when I've been out walking and have stopped to cross a road, or when I have come to a place where there are two possible paths to take. Stopping at the roadside or taking one of the two different paths, thoughts are noted about the environment and its possibilities. This is where the illusion begins to happen.Then the next action is taken, but happens independently of whatever our thoughts were noting about the situation. The belief that the thoughts 'caused' the action is also part of the illusion. And because that illusion is believed, another thought may be noticed about the connection between the thought and the action which causes us to assume that the thought
made the action happen and that some form of 'separate self made this decision and coerced the mind and body into obeying its commands.
How I view this now is with a certain amount of amusement. The fact that I believed in this illusion all of my life without even questioning it makes me feel a bit of a fool, but at the same time, I understand how it happened. It happened because I wasn't looking. As soon as you begin looking in the right kind of way - that is, through looking at what one is actually experiencing rather that what one happens to be thinking - the illusory nature of the I or separate self becomes obvious and it seems hard to believe that it wasn't noticed before.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
As above, it feels like the realisation that comes when you realise you've been fooled. A bit like a child who was shown a magic trick that was believed, but then as an adult get to see how the trick is actually performed and finds it hard to believe they had ever believed it to be real.
The difference between before this dialogue and after it is that before I could get stuck in a spiral of thoughts that went from one to the next continuously, creating a world of possibilities that were all imaginary and unproven, and all sorts of errors of judgment could be made by believing these thoughts to be factual. Now I treat thoughts as exactly what they are. Random pieces of information that come from nowhere, inform us of something, then disappear. There is no narrative between them and they are not sourced from a separate self who creates them for its own purposes. An example from the last few days comes from observing the nature of thoughts with regards to the belief that they are responsible for decision making. I noted that on performing exercises there was previously a belief that 'I' decided when to start doing them. Recently, I paid real attention to the moment that the exercises began happening and noticed every single time that the actual 'decision' did not exist and that the exercises just started happening by themselves. What this taught me is that decisions are not something to be worried about because we never actually make any. This feeling is like a form of liberation. Whatever we do can never be right or wrong, it just is. The false belief that we 'make wrong decisions' or 'can never do anything right' is noted as illusory and linked to all kinds of negative thoughts and anxieties. By making such a realisation, the anxieties still come up, as is natural, but to a far lesser extent because the thoughts can be stripped of much of their apparent power when their true nature is experienced.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
It was in observing the movements of the physical body and the realisation that the decision making process was non existent. This came from the instructions about moving the hands in the air and closely watching the moment when the action started and stopped. When applied to the exercise about observing the process of deciding whether or not to eat some food this was enhanced even more. But what actually brought me to the point of being pushed over was the application of these methods of looking into my everyday life in as many different ways as possible, with the examples of crossing roads and observing the starting point of exercises being the two most notable.
5) a) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control. What makes things happen? How does it work?
Give examples from your own recent experiences to how things happen and how things work
.
None of those things can be proven to actually exist. They are just conceptual ideas with no experiential evidence available to back them up. While their philosophical explanations can be interesting, all they actually do is reinforce the illusion that we have such things as the ability to make decisions and that we have such things as 'choice' and 'free will' that are inviolable.
When it comes to describing what makes these things happen by paying attention to experience only, there is no answer to provide. Nothing can be observed, those things are just happening. Any attempt to explain why these things may be happening ('God,' 'the Tao,' 'the Cosmos,' 'the laws of Physics,' etc.) are purely conceptual. The only answer I can give through experience is 'Nothing.'
Examples from my recent experiences of how things work refer back to the idea of free choice being illusory. On going to the supermarket, the decisions about whether to walk or drive, which supermarket I will visit, and what to buy when I get there have all been noted to have no perceivable source. Those decisions just happen despite any thoughts I notice about them. Everything is just happening by itself, which leaves no possibility for things such as 'choice' and 'free will' to exist.
b) What are you responsible for? Give examples from your own recent experiences to how this works.
In reality, nothing. A good recent example can be found in my experience of listening to music on shuffle over Spotify. Whenever a song came on, I was aware of thoughts arising about whether I wanted to listen to that particular one or not. No decision making process could be found, and I noticed that sometimes sing I felt like I wanted to were skipped while those I felt I didn't want to listen to were kept on. This made me perceive that I wasn't really responsible for what songs were being kept on and which were being skipped and that the process to do that was happening despite whatever thoughts arose to each particular song.
6) Anything to add?
No, nothing further to add at this stage.
Dave