From concepts to reality

[Canute]

Brilliant, some anger and frustration is welcome at this place, let it burn, see the lie that has been living in the system for years feeding on shame, guilt and feeling of not enough.
It's all a lie.
Look at how beliefs a formed- passed in from one human to another through 'repeat after me' principle and accepted because it fits other beliefs.
Can you see that none of beliefs are true? None of them. All lies. Investigate.

Tell me, what do you know for sure,100%, be completely honest here.

First were beliefs picked up from parents. Most succinctly summarized as "Obey, and all will be well". Bullshit of biblical proportions. Then school-age beliefs, most crucially "Be popular, and all will be well". I was never popular enough for long enough, and the ones that seemed to be, usually ended up in some pretty uninspired circumstances. Adolescence and the early twenties, "Be successful, and all will be well". I was, until 26, when I got so miserable in the midst of success I just abandoned the whole success-project. Then the Buddhist years, "Be enlightened, and all will be well". Meditating away, following rules of speech and conduct, investigating experience to the best of my ability. After 20 years of that, depressed and disappointed. And of course nourishing the belief that it´s my fault, I´m not doing it right. Which is true, but if Buddhism was worth its salt, there would have been plenty of folks to point me in the right direction.

One of the reasons beliefs are so powerful, and dangerous, is they affirm themselves. If I believe obeying is important and good for me, I feel terrible when disobeying. So obeying must be really important and good for me!

Some beliefs are more helpful than others. "Being kind and truthful is worthwhile" is a better belief than "All infidels deserve to suffer horribly and die". But no belief is unequivocally true. It´s like having a tiger-skin by your fireplace, thinking "tigers are like this". Tigers can be a lot of things, but once you meet a real one, you´re likely to discover your belief isn´t of much help! That´s a weird analogy...

Beliefs sit between me and reality. They filter reality, so less than reality arrives at my door. Ergo, beliefs make me stupid, ill informed, unable to see all of what´s really happening.

A thought or two on how beliefs are passed on. In lots of ways, of course. Parents, friends, media, authorities, teachers, a long list. I notice the more I respected and looked up to the person, the deeper the inherited beliefs dug in and sprouted roots. I remember posing as a literary connoisseur for a few years. I read some impressive viewpoint, assimilating it partially. Then when the opportunity arose to voice it, ahhh, how hollow and vain it sounded!

Are no beliefs true? I´m assuming here beliefs are perspectives on things I don´t know for sure. On earth, I know if i drop something, it falls to the ground. If I get drunk, I get a hangover. Not beliefs. Beliefs? It will work out OK in the end. As you sow, so you reap. I´m not very intelligent. I have psychological problems. It takes a lot of samadhi to see the absence of self. Ilona knows what she´s doing. I remember the past as it was. Life is a custom-designed experience to help me wake up. Waking up will eradicate all my personality flaws. Waking up is a rare thing, for specially gifted people, and people who suffer much more than I do. I could go on...
They´re all mental postures about things I don´t know. A posture is just a posture, some less harmful than others. Like a window from which I view life. But they share one flaw. They assume an I. Or a he or a she. They assume there´s a lasting, solid entity for whom they´re valid. And I have never ever come across such a thing. So how can any of them be true?

What do I know for sure? I´ve read all of Jed McKennas books over and over, so I have to be careful here to stay honest and true. Only present experience. I don´t know who or what I am. I don´t know who or what others are. Do I know if I am? I know something´s here. Seeing, hearing, sensing, feeling, thinking, those are just words, but they point to an underlying reality that is known. Are all those activities me? The activities are happening, but where´s the me they´re happening to? Is the me the activities? Is I a verb? That´s a nice title for a spiritual book, but no. Seeing, hearing, sensing, feeling and thinking happen, or stop happening. But no me, no entity is available to attention. The activities happen in something. What´s the something? Something is aware, conscious. Now things go very quiet again. The arrow of attention turns towards the subject of experience, like last night. What do I know for sure then? Something is here. That´s the truest I can phrase it. The something is aware, conscious. It feels like it just is, and knows. It is before, during and after formulating thoughts about it. It doesn´t move, everything moves within it, and through it.

OK, over to you, dear Ilona. Thanks for staying with me. Or with what´s here!

[Ilona]

Ok, now turn around 180 degrees and look at the other side: what is true?
What is real?
What is?

[Canute]

Ok, now turn around 180 degrees and look at the other side: what is true?
What is real?
What is?

Sights, sounds, body sensations, thoughts on a screen. True? It´s all there, but is it true? The question stumps me. It all feels real, but that doesn´t mean it´s true or real. Like the exercise yesterday, I notice all four kinds of impressions elicit or come with memories, associations and evaluation, usually hingeing on the me/mine-thought. I notice I don´t know what anything is anymore. I have names and labels for stuff, but I don´t know what anything truly is.

The more I focus on what´s around me, the less I feel the distinction of sounds/sights/sensations/thoughts out there, and me in here. The stillness experienced doesn´t feel as internal anymore.

Something wants to give up spouting words about experience. Words don´t stick to experience much anymore. Experience is less affected by words now.That´s restful.

But I shall blaze on, within stillness. What´s true, what´s real, what is? I don´t have a clue. Not knowing is. Not knowing is unassailably present and real and true. Not knowing what things are. But knowing that something is here. There is awareness of something. If someone said now; "There is nothing. Only an absence.", I´d have to disagree. Something is here.

Good. This exercise drew me out of internalising what´s present. It´s no more here than there. Back to you, Ilona. Where do we go from here?

[Ilona]

Great stuff, Canute. I see you are right at the not knowing bit, which is a signpost for entering the gate...

Is there a 'you' to cross?
Is there a gate?

[Canute]

Great stuff, Canute. I see you are right at the not knowing bit, which is a signpost for entering the gate...

Is there a 'you' to cross?
Is there a gate?

Just read Ciarans latest post, felt somber after that. Then I get the above from you, spirit lifts at the sound of the inbox. Appreciate the initial thumbs up, because, as my habit is, I felt inadequate. Second sentence, encouragement, reframing my confusion. Last two lines, neckhair on end, a few tears. Let´s get to it.

I´ve been looking for a me for three days now most of the day, for twenty odd years on and off. Never found one. Let me look again. Still nothing more solid than an idea and a sense there. Even if there was a me, where the hell would it go to enter the gate? What´s true and real is here, isn´t it? Isn´t that even a decent definition of what´s real and true? That which doesn´t come and go?

Is there a gate? Yeah, it´s got a sign on it saying; "No lies allowed beyond this point". The gate is too small to pass while carrying a lie about an I behind experience. I´m getting too philosophical.

Reboot. Is there a gate? No, it´s a different kind of movement. More liking putting down a burden. I´m carrying something heavy, I don´t need to do that. Almost all of the time, I don´t even notice/know I´m carrying it. "I" is the shortest word in the English alphabet, but also the heaviest. Maybe that´s why it´s capitalized?.. Gee, I´m chatty this evening!

Start over. There is aliveness here. Something is aware. The distinction between what´s aware and what it is aware of is vague. What in the present moment fits the label "me"? Nothing. Me sounds like something solid, something to be, something that has a history. Nothing that tangible is here now.

Is there a gate? Gate implies a here and a there. A this side and the other side. Here, now, those distinctions make no sense at all. A better simile would be those 3D-pictures. Once you´ve seen it, you can´t unsee it, you see it all the time. Except, here it´s the opposite, you unsee something for the first time, and then keep not seeing what was never there... I´m cooking Ilona, but I´m not done yet. Keep turning up the temperature, please!

[Ilona]

Does awareness need someone to be aware? it's all happening same time, now. Is there a witness?


How about a cat? Is there a witness in a cat?

Keep cooking.
And keep focus on the obvious. You can never find entity behind word I because it does not exist.
All there is is life happening by itself.

Is it true?
Yes or no?

[Canute]

Does awareness need someone to be aware? it's all happening same time, now. Is there a witness?


How about a cat? Is there a witness in a cat?

Keep cooking.
And keep focus on the obvious. You can never find entity behind word I because it does not exist.
All there is is life happening by itself.

Is it true?
Yes or no?

If awareness needed a someone, like me, it would be stoppable by a me, wouldn´t it? Whereas in reality, any impulse to stop awareness, like shutting the eyes or ears or trying not to notice body sensations, is immediately recognized by awareness. Awareness is what comes first, it´s the given. Anything else shows up in awareness, so to speak. Even if I´ve discovered there really isn´t a dividing line between awareness and its objects.

Is it all happening at the same time, now, like I think you´re asking me above? Yeah, there is nothing but now. Thoughts about an imagined past and future can only appear now. Yesterdays thought is stone dead, until it´s recollected now. I notice this every time I miss an appointment, which has been often lately! Yesterdays "Tomorrrow I must remember ..." is of no help the next day unless I remember it the next day.

Is there a witness? It is a popular and appealing idea. A quiet witness, the true subject of all "my" experiences. But as I point out above. I cannot find a separation between what´s experiencing and what´s experienced. "Hungry" is just "hungry". I could say the body is hungry, but that´s actually an abstraction. I could say I am hungry, but whereas the experience of "hungry" is obvious, the identity having that experience is not at all discernible here and now. Except as a thought, and not necessarily underpinned by more truth than the thought "centaur".

Is there a witness in a cat? Well, I´m not a cat. So I assume you´re giving me some slack to speculate here, Ilona. If I don´t need an entity for awareness to operate, why would a cat? If Christmas doesn´t need Santa to be real for Christmas to happen, why would Easter need the Easter Bunny to be more than a fairy tale for Easter to occur? That is one weird comparison...
I notice cats express much less hesitation and self-consciousness than humans. To me, a sense of "me" is what drives my hesitation and self-consciousness. I see a cat jump or pounce, and I wish I just once could experience every muscle and nerve in me cooperate and participate like they do in a cat.
This cat-question isn´t really taking off for me. Next question.

"You can never find entity behind word I because it does not exist.
All there is is life happening by itself. Is it true? Yes or no?"

Just focussing on keeping the investigation alive. It´s increasingly clear seeing, hearing, sensing the body all happen happily without a me. Intention and impulse still feel a lot like "me". But again and again, especially this morning, while experiencing reluctance and resistance to continue investigating, the impulse to do just about anything else arose all on its own. Out of thin air, it seemed. Conditioned by habit and whatever, but no "I" was found as source of the unwillingness. Actually, the behavior felt quite mechanical. Now, "I´m hungry" arises. Then "stay with this now" arises. The ghost taking ownership of the process and pretending to be a me. When looking, nothing more than an assumed "me" can be found.

Who would have thought Donald Rumsfeld had succinctly summarized reality? "Stuff happens." Life happening by itself. No I in me, no you in you. No one in control, which doesn´t preclude intentions to control, or enjoy or avoid. Or whatever.

It´s like I´ve been trying to dance all my life, but didn´t quite hear the music! No wonder I kept bumping into other people and stuff!

I feel light, relieved, bemused. No fireworks, but a grounded feeling. Like I´ve been drunk for a long time, and notice I´m beginning to sober up.

It´s time for some food. Awaiting your next cue, Ilona.

[Ilona]

awesome!
sobering up is fun, after all these years of feeling drunk. beware of hangover, lol. it takes some time for the system to rebalance.

can you answer these questions as you see now:

is there a you in any shape or form in reality? was there ever?
how does it feel to see the true nature of illusion?

[Canute]

awesome!
sobering up is fun, after all these years of feeling drunk. beware of hangover, lol. it takes some time for the system to rebalance.

can you answer these questions as you see now:

is there a you in any shape or form in reality? was there ever?
how does it feel to see the true nature of illusion?

There are memories of a me, a sense of me comes and goes, me as a thought arises regularly, and others refer to a me endlessly. And of course I continue to use "I" for convenient communication. But in reality? Beyond thinking and imagination? Like something continuous or tangible, like wind and joy are tangible, like space and breathing are continuous? No, I have never come across such a thing. Was there ever? No, not in the life lived here. I have no authority to speak for other times, people and places, but I am free to speculate. The innocent mistake we all start out doing, assuming the I is real, is the best explanation I´ve come across for so much, if not all, of historical and contemporary human misery. Selfishness, fear and worry, guilt and shame, greed and deception, abuse and addiction, jealousy and blame and on and on. All these painful human experiences, because of taking an illusion for reality! The price we pay for believing in ghosts! I see clearly how for me, my belief in "I" was a learnt behavior. It´s what the world around me does and did, and taught me to do.

How does it feel to see the true nature of delusion? It feels a lot of things. I meander between melancholia and upset for having lived with a lie at the core for almost all my life. I notice I´m much more interested in little tings now. Like "I wonder how this glass of water will be drunk?" rather than "I´m drinking a glass of water, again. Done it a million times.Boring." "How does awareness decide exactly how to button up the fly after peeing?" I´ve become a curious bystander to my "own" life! I still have restless impulses and brief dread arose a few hours ago when having to respond to an proposal from someone. But the commenting and criticising my reactions has subsided. It still happened around the dread, but then I remembered that I isn´t! What a relief. It´s like things don´t stick the same way anymore. I´m looking forward to being hurt, offended. Just to see what happens! Will it happen, will the hurt last ridiculously long like before, will I beat myself up for being so oversensitive and neurotic?

Took a long walk at dusk, feeling light and content, not leaning in to the future, not swept away by much distracting thought. Uncharacteristically optimistic, "pretty dark grey sky, but I reckon there´ll be no rain", "getting dark, but I´ll find my way home", "the long northern winter isn´t so bad after all." That simply isn´t quite me! I´m Eeyore!

I could get philosophical. The staggering implications of the illusion. It´s like a world full of people with 3D-goggles on. Everyone is living in their own twisted tale, bumping up against each other, not finding what they need to thrive, not seeing what´s really here. If someone manages to take their goggles off, they better be careful! If you speak the truth, you might get dismissed, castigated or worse.

But no, no need to start converting the heathens just yet. This needs to integrate, infuse consciousness, replace delusion. I have a new car, shiny, slick, fast. I need to learn to maintain it, handle it, listen to it, understand it and love it. I´m beginning to see why the zenmasters of old asked monks who just had their first satoris to go shut up in a hut for a few years!

If you still want to play, Ilona, I´m game. And hey, thanks for giving this hopeless case some hope!

[Ilona]

Hihi, no case is hopeless. Hope is non issue.

I see you're coming out on another side, nice.

One question, what was it that pushed you over the edge? Can you describe what happened?

And another question is, how would you tell about absence of 'me' to somebody who never heard about it?

[Canute]

Hihi, no case is hopeless. Hope is non issue.

I see you're coming out on another side, nice.

One question, what was it that made to look? Can you describe what happened?

And another question is, how would you tell about absence of 'me' to somebody who never heard about it?

Hope is a non issue, true true. It´s what religions tend to offer, isn´t it. It´s just thoughts about a rosier future, usually without much useful guidance on how to get there.

Your first question came out a bit garbled. Can you please repost it?

[Canute]

Hihi, no case is hopeless. Hope is non issue.

I see you're coming out on another side, nice.

One question, what was it that pushed you over the edge? Can you describe what happened?

And another question is, how would you tell about absence of 'me' to somebody who never heard about it?

What pushed me over the edge? This wasn´t a completely new exercise for me, but I needed someone, you Ilona, to support me. Alone, I would have succumbed to the usual demons, resignation and perceived inadequacy. I also needed you to ask the right questions at the right time. I don´t have a great inner overview right now, but I sense the process had a definite sequencing. The first point at which truth came alive, was last night when you wrote (more or less) "not knowing is a signpost for the gate". Up to then, somehow I still expected discovery of truth would be discovering an idea, a thought. And so not knowing seemed like a failure. Stupid, isn´t it?

Then your subsequent question, "is there a you to cross?", hit me. It hit somewhere else than in the intellect. I was moved to tears before the intellect understood the question! Then relief, sighs, breath deepening, shoulders dropping, a sense of possibility and being in awe of how uncomplicated, but not necessarily easily seen, the truth of what we´re not is.

After that it was more a question of hammering it out. Coming to grips with the implications, noticing how experience of anything actually happens, finding that only thinking can separate experience into different bits, dismantling the notion of a witness, and seeing all the blessings that accrue when I take my stand in reality rather than delusion. For the last 4 days, I´ve focused on this inquiry, not only by responding to your questions. One approach that´s worked well was just doing all the normal things, like cooking, showering, eating, walking, feeling, even thinking, and notice how they happen so naturally without an I in sight.

How would I tell about the absence of 'me' to somebody who never heard about it? Hmm...

Hiya! Are you ready to find out why life is so hard ? Even if it turns your world upside down? Even if it removes any possibility to blame anyone else ever again? Even if the answer at first most likely will provoke you into defense and denial? Still in? OK, here we go.

Actually, Ilona, I got up at 4am. The mind is mush. I´ll be back, tomorrow. It´s been a long, good day.

[Ilona]

How is it feeling today? :)

[Canute]

How is it feeling today? :)

Hey Ilona. It´s feelin´groovy! Chilled, resting in itself, meeting the inner and outer world without resistance or hankering.It´s light, almost transparent, everything moves through, nothing sticks. Where´s Eeyore?

I´m travelling today, everybody wants to talk to me, strangers on the bus, strangers at the trainstation. I´m happier listening, so it works out well. I´m unreasonably interested in everything. Had some time at the trainstation and got totally fascinated by extremely expensive magazines about rock climbing. Read the BBC news on my mobile as if it was a movie cliffhanger moment. Where´s the old jaded me?

Just like yesterday, I got up at 4 pm today. I was pretty woozy, but answered your last question as best I could. Internet hasn´t been working until now, on the train, so I´ll paste this early mornings writing below. And then I´ll sign off, for the time being. I wont be guiding others for now, it feels right to first map out the new landscape for a while. But I´m always available for your questions and comments.

Bowing to Rumsfeld, holding Lithuanias finest in my heart,

Canute

How would I tell about the absence of 'me' to somebody who never heard about it?

This mind is still mush. Four hours of sleep, and more interested in how life without believing in an entity works than telling anybody else about it.

But for you Ilona, being such a sweet nobody, I shall stretch and walk the extra mile;..

You ever notice how something doesn´t seem quite right about reality? How, despite the abundance of available advice, we end up creating repeated misery for ourselves and others? How life doesn´t seem to make sense? Maybe that´s why we enjoy movies like The Matrix and The Truman Show, affirming reality isn´t what it pretends to be? Well, it´s because it´s true! Reality isn´t what it pretends to be!

There´s a lie right at the center of life. It´s like those spy thrillers, looking for the mole, the investigation leading closer and closer to the heart of the Secret Service itself. But in your, and my and everybody elses case, the lie resides right at our own center, at the place we call I, or me. Investigate; is the word/thought/sense of I or me pointing to an underlying reality? Just like the word rain points to the wet stuff in your face, or the words fear and joy point to a set of body sensations? Or is it the case that the words I and me are just words, underpinned by nothing more real and solid than the word Santa Claus? I found the latter to be true. I´m still trying to handle the implications of this. But let me tell you this much. As far as I can see, most of my psychological suffering has been because I believed in an I. And I´ve hung around with Buddhists for almost 25 years! They´re specialised in no I! But the idea is not enough. You need to see this, clearly and directly for yourself. Just like you see there is no Batman in this room now. Once you´ve seen it, no one will be able to convince you otherwise. Of course, we keep using the first person pronoun, it helps us communicate. Me, I´m still new in life without the lie. And I suspect I´ll occasionally fall into delusion again, habits die hard. But then I´ll just look for Batman, and notice he´s still not here!
Interested? There are some good people at http://www.liberationunleashed.com. Do you really want to postpone taking the red pill any longer?

[Ilona]

Thank you, Canute for this beautiful meeting of mind.
I really enjoyed working with you and was reading your posts with excitement and watched it unfold with curiosity and joy.

I see you have crossed with both legs and dissapeared. And of course we use words as I and you but they mean nothing like before.

Is everything clear, any doubt at all?

I have one more task for you. Can you look at humans as it is and describe what you see with you fresh eyes.

I mean look at planet earth as a whole and consider what are humans, how suffering fits in the picture and so on. Please share what you see.