Nina,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form?
Was there ever?
No and no
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from
your own experience.
Describe it fully as you see it now.
The separate self is just thought(s) that relate to a separate self, and that's all it can ever be because there's nothing else it could be. There's nowhere for a separate self to actually exist in direct experience. It is the identification with different parts of experience and the belief that there is a me doing human functions. But in direct experience there is no do-er to be found, just everything happening on its own and thoughts relating to a do-er. It starts as soon as the identification occurs with the body and it functions. but they are all happening on their own. there is no me that could interfere with them, no separate self that either does or does not exist. in reality, then, not much is different, because the idea of 'me' that has been seen as fiction was only ever an idea anyway - what is, is not really affected by this realisation because there was nothing to affect it to begin with.
3) How does it feel to see this?
What is the difference from before you started this dialogue?
Please report from the past few days.
it doesn't feel any different really. I still feel like a human being, still do everything the same way, but when I remember to look I am reminded there is no 'me'. I have a greater understanding of the absence of self, which basically just means I've come to accept how simple it really is, and understood the statement 'there is no you' at its most literal instead of trying to see a no-self, which cannot be done.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over; made you look?
the very last bit was caused by questioning 'but why does it feel so much like there is a me doing it?', forcing me to look at the 'sense of me' and notice it as just a thought itself. however overall there wasn't a 'last bit' as such, just a very gradual deepening of my understanding of the simplicity of the whole thing. it was more like a removing of 'wrong-seeing' than a growing or developing in any way. for example, my mind had trouble accepting that direct experience remained exactly as it was, and the only difference was the thought that there was a me involved in it, is seen as a thought. mind always wanted to add something on top of it, and there were a few times I felt like mind-garbage was removed and I understood on a deeper level there was nothing to see.
5) Describe decision, intention, free will, choice and control.
What makes things happen?
How does it work?
What are you responsible for?
Give examples from experience.
there is nothing in direct experience that 'makes things happen', and no me that is responsible. There is only the experience of whatever is happening. for example, if I lift my hand, there is the image of the hand lifting, sensation labelled 'hand on table' or whatever, sound also labelled something similar, and then thought/belief about a me that's responsible for it. There is also awareness of the movement just before it happens, which appears to be a decision. but really this is just more thought, which isn't really connected to the movement itself, and isn't making the decision, but rather just occurring like everything else. So there's no-one to make decisions or have any control over anything.
6) Anything to add?
Only thank you so much for all your help and patience over this time! I don't think I would've been able to do this on my own. So it is really appreciated.
Beanstalk
