can't find my way home

[Subhudra]

Hi Bill,
Thank you for your response. Reading your first paragraph was very reassuring. Knowing that you initially shared a similar experience of recognising you were living in your head of who you were created by thought is encouraging.

I will spend sometime going over my original posts and raise anything with you it will probably throw up.

I get what you mean when you responded to my wish to know the purpose of the reason for existence. Yes, who would be the one determining how it should be ha ha. It's more thought isn't it, more of the fictitious story.

I will get back to you once I've covered reading the posts.

Kind regards ☺

[Bill]

Hello Subhudra,


Still here?

Awaiting your response to a review of your original guiding. It needn't be anything more than a quick read through.
This is a good way to get back into this and remember some of the terms and concepts we use.

Bill

[Subhudra]

Good evening Bill,

Yes still here. Been looking over quite a bit of the past posts. I realise some of the suggestions you made must have become natural.

At one stage l responded that thought arises in the head. Ha ha.

Now more often than not l just observe them, l don't generate them or own them They are trying to form an attachment. It's quite liberating to just observe them. When I do it's seems to create a space. They still try to draw me in and to generate emotions from them. l recognise them as just stuff that happens. l see how they try to write my story there's freedom in seeing it.

I also revisited how stuff, possessions, try to attach to the 'l' as a means of supporting your false self. I can see how others and still myself defines who l am, through likes and dislikes by believing that is who you are, how you are unique and individual. This is tough not attachment to materialism but attachment to seeing yourself as distinctively unique. What is there when you relinquish your individuality. Reminds me of Pink Floyd's, brick in the wall.

Looking forward to speaking again.

[Bill]

HI there.

From your writing, it sounds as if you have seen through the illusion of the self.
Is this so?
Can you find a self, or an I in reality if you look?
If you can't.. what does that mean about things?
You can write out how you see this.. it would be helpful to me. If there are questions and doubts left.. please do bring them up.

Now more often than not l just observe them, l don't generate them or own them They are trying to form an attachment. It's quite liberating to just observe them. When I do it's seems to create a space. They still try to draw me in and to generate emotions from them. l recognise them as just stuff that happens. l see how they try to write my story there's freedom in seeing it.

This is concerning thoughts. Yes, its a big myth that once we SEE this thing, that all of our thoughts are going to subside and we'll be in some kind of special thought free state... :) Nothing could be further from the truth.. as least here.
Seeing them come up and the stories they tell is really what is seen here also. And yes.. we still can get caught up in them. But I've noticed here, I dont stay in that place too long.. usually. I used to think my thoughts had to be a certain way or a certain flavor for me to have 'gotten' this.. but I see now that is foolish and just anther trap of the mind.


About the possessions and stuff.. attaching and defining us... very good insight there. Yes we all are .. and everything is unique in one aspect; but also no one or thing is special in and of itself. Thats whats seen here.

Who is there to relinquish the supposed individuality?
Can a self let go of itself? Can a self 'drop' itself?
Does it need to, to see what we are pointing to?

Has there ever really been one in the first place (a separate self) ... or is it more like an assumption we've believed in our whole life? If its not there.... what is?

Take your time and LOOK while answering these. I look forward to your responses.

[Subhudra]

Hi Bill

I am still working on this. I get what you say about who is there to relinquish individuality. I don't see a self anymore. I refer to it as the false ego. It is fabricated out of labels and defining since being born it's an illusion. Would like time to think about the individuality aspects.

Will write more soon.

[Subhudra]

Hi Bill

Individuality is made up from forming an attachment to the labels put on your over a lifetime and creating a storyline. There is no individuality because there is no self to be found. It's just buying into the false self. This can only be seen from a place of conscious awarenes. The knowing existence.

Speak soon Subhudra

[Bill]

Hi there,

Yes, we are not born with any of the thought patterns that are constantly clamoring for our attention in our brain.... so we cannot be those those thoughts. Yet over time as you say.. the ideas and stories become fixed and solidified.. and we take ourselves to be those.. This is 'who we are' we say to ourselves. But is it true? Are we that? Are you a thought?

Individuality is made up from forming an attachment to the labels put on your over a lifetime and creating a storyline. There is no individuality because there is no self to be found. It's just buying into the false self. This can only be seen from a place of conscious awarenes. The knowing existence.

------------------------------------

It does appear to me you have seen through the illusion. That you have seen that there is no self in reality.. only thoughts about a self.

Is what you are writing here what is actually seen? or do you feel its still an intellectual understanding you have of this?

How do we 'look' at this? What is this 'looking'?

What are some of the questions you might have that are still lingering... if any?
Please don't be afraid to give any and all doubts you might have.

[Subhudra]

Seeing through the self is mostly on an intellectual level for me. I understand that thought and concepts created a false self which is nonsense when you examine it in reality.

I am not the sum total of my thoughts as they are random and not really mine. They are not generated by the self because the self is greater than thought and greater than the labels bombarded on it. I have an intellectual awareness of this. Having gained this awareness it has exposed the false self. I couldn't go back to the attachment it previously had. This is now constant.

As for experiencing the self by seeing, this is not constant. It is only during periods of bringing my awareness to the present moment and observing my surrounding and become the observer that I feel part of this greater consciousness. This awareness is that life is being played out around me and my awareness is just a part in it.

My concerns:

These are only fleeting glimpses. Whilst remaining in a human body l am being constant bombarded by the external environment. How would you survive permanently as your abandoment of the false self becomes more detached from the importance the material world places on the false ego.

Would l become robotic in interacting with others as l recognised their concerns as just thought and the role of the false ego.

I am a long way off from this as presently intellectually l recognise the false l but I do not experience this as my reality on my daily place in the world.

[Bill]

Hello Subhudra...

All of your concerns.. all of your doubts .... all of them point to a strong belief still in an 'I' that would have them.
In reality.. there is no self ... period. And yet life flows on effortlessly and in spite of what our brain tells us.. never makes a 'mistake'. You're right in a way, the 'I' .. the 'self' could not handle not being there and can't imagine what life will be or would be without it continually pushing to the forefront. But there is no need to worry... life does not make mistakes - your concerns are only mental projections and not something to worry about.

What's also true is that in spite of what you believe now, waiting for some kind of final recognition.. or final realization, is just another trap of the mind. There is no such thing. Let go of it as you can. You will wait forever for this to come! Right now, in this moment, you have all the recognition and understanding there ever will be. You need to actually look.. with your whole body and not try to limit this to some kind of understanding of the mind. This cannot be gotten by the mind alone. Its not a mind thing. You can't deny that 'you' are here and aware and that your 'being' or whatever you want to call it is here now, as it has been since you first remembered anything at all.

There's no such event as awakening. You can only see that you are already awake, right here and now. The fact is you always have been, its just been obscured by the belief in you being a separate, apart from life one. But we know this cannot be... you know it intellectually... SEE it.. Look. you are not separate from life.. It is you and you are it. Question this false belief in being separate thoroughly..

What are you waiting for?

Who is waiting? (Look for this supposed 'waiter')

Continue to look and question these beliefs in a separate one. Its the beliefs that continue to keep us bound up. Once truly seen, we can let got of them and see reality as it is. Its very simple really. Life simpy is as it is.
This has to be done by you. No guiding or teaching or teacher can be a substitute. Pointing can help.. sure.. but you have to do the looking, and really looking is all that is needed. All the doubts and questions we have originate in the imagined belief in being an 'I' a separate one. Continue to look and expose this untruth.

[Subhudra]

I understand not being separate from life and l am it but I am struggling here. This recent response contains a lot l get and a lot that goes over my head. It feels like a riddle to be unpicked.

How do l look? How do I look with my whole body?

As for looking, you are obviously referring to a specific way of looking.

I have taken time out and just looked. What am I looking for? Just looking is part of life? There seems little information on how or why.

Please could you be more specific. If I am looking what is the purpose and what can I expect to see? I feel it's all a bit of a riddle...like look...? but you won't know why.

[Bill]

Looking - If you had an apple in your hand and I asked you to really look at it... would you 'think' about looking at it.. or would you just intuitively look at it?

This 'looking' is always going on... if you're alive and breathing, you can't not be looking... All Im asking is that you NOTICE that its happening. The mind and thoughts crowd this out often, but its very simple to return to it. You might call it your base sense of awareness.. and thats why I call it whole body.. its not just seeing, but all the senses. Im not advocating this as some new way to 'be'... no.. no.. just notice that its happening for this quiding to be effective. There is no special or preferred way to be, only what happens.

I need you to answer all questions asked, I notice you have not in the last two answers. This is a prerequisite for working with me here. I bolded them in the last two responses.. please address them in each post. Other stuff is fine, although I don't prefer a lot questions coming from you. I know. this sounds kinda strange, but we find it works best if the guide asks the questions based on what they are seeing written from you, and the guidee does the answering. When we get further along, there'll be a point for you to ask anything thats still you have doubts about.

Below is a nice convo about 'looking' between a guide and guidee.. Its part of your guiding on page 3 I think...

[Bill]

I want to borrow a good post on this 'Looking' topic from one of my friends (Delma)
This was her response to a person who had trouble getting what this looking is about.
Please read thru it a few times and let it sit for a time... Its excellent I feel as a pointer.

Give your response back to me on what you get from it.
And also answer the two questions from the previous days' post.

Thanks.

---------------------

Dear Seeker,

It's Never Easy to Write This....

I'm not sure how many ways I can tell you this, and so most times I just have to repeat myself. You don't listen. Thoughts crowd out the very ability to listen to direction. And! You often become frustrated with this direction and walk away from our inquiry thinking that the pointer can't be of much use. You assume that the person giving it is just wrong about what it is you need to hear in order to see this. But the truth is,

You're wrong.

There's a reason why this particular pointer is the most effective I've come across. It's direct. Blunt. It leaves no room for discussion, and my role is to end the discussion entirely.

I don't want a dialogue with you!

Don't be offended by that.


While a dialogue may help you to UNDERSTAND what's being said, that understanding isn't what's going to get this done. I'll tell you what will and I'll give it my best shot, knowing that it's worked for hundreds of people already, maybe thousands. Here it is, so listen up.

Just Look.

That's it. It's the best and most thorough pointer you're going to find if you could just stop long enough to do what's directed.

Now, you have to ask yourself this... how is it that this pointer can be it. The one. Everything. The KEY? Go ahead and ask that question. Test it out. Tear it up. How is that IT?

And when you hit a brick wall, just maybe you'll do what's being asked which is to notice that a speck of dust is more real than the self. A droplet of dew is more real than the self has ever been or can ever be.

How is that true? In what way is that true?

When the answer comes, just stop and take that in. Then scan that brain for all of the teachings which say that this is simple. Childlike. Humble. Think of all the accounts of those who've 'gotten it' and said that they couldn't believe how simple it is. And the look of wonder? It's not because they're suddenly seeing pixie dust or rainbows. It's because they stopped to follow the directive, and then they saw the truth of REALITY AS IT IS.

Now....

Just Look.

Look at something near you.... your hand even.

What is seen?
What is absent?

Look at anything.
Anywhere.
Any time.

What is seen?
What is not?

[Subhudra]

Thank you for such a prompt response. I accept how it has to be without questions from me. I trust you know where this is going and currently looking don't.

Thank you for the example from a post on looking. I will get back to you on this and the previous questions you raised. Thanks Bill for all your help

[Subhudra]

Hi Bill

I will answer the outstanding question s before going on to your most recent post.

Yet over time as you say.. the ideas and stories become fixed and solidified.. and we take ourselves to be those.. This is 'who we are' we say to ourselves. But is it true? Are we that? Are you a thought?

No this is not true. It is not who l am. I am not thought. All of these fluctuate and change. I am not that. I remain outside of the ideas and story.

There's no such event as awakening. You can only see that you are already awake, right here and now. The fact is you always have been, its just been obscured by the belief in you being a separate, apart from life one. But we know this cannot be... you know it intellectually... SEE it.. Look. you are not separate from life.. It is you and you are it. Question this false belief in being separate thoroughly..

What are you waiting for?
Who is waiting? (Look for this supposed 'waiter')

Bit unsure about these questions. Would you kindly give a bit more information regarding what you refer to?

I take it as referring to waiting for enlightenment. In that sense there was some waiting. Waiting for a change to mark raised awareness. A big bang, a seeing the light so to speak. As l write this l see it's a bit ridiculous. As l am awareness, l just need to look and realise.

Who is the person waiting? Thank you for this question. I realise waiting is just thought, there's no one doing it just thought being manifested.

Looking - If you had an apple in your hand and I asked you to really look at it... would you 'think' about looking at it.. or would you just intuitively look at it?

Just done this with my phone. No thinking is involved. Just looking with greater perception intuitively. I am becoming aware how thought tries to crowd in as you advised.

Thank you for Delma's post. I could identify with the person doing the looking. The experience of not actually seeing or listening being drowned out by thought, by analysing, things read in the past. The frustration before you come to the realisation that logic and thought won't take this forward. The wanting to ditch LU.

The post has helped me see that these responses are universal and shared by everyone initially. I see them for what they are just thought.

Having read Delma' post l feel like a mirror has been held up within which l have seen what's really been happening. It's really encouraging and also quite comical now I've seen.

[Bill]

I am in the middle of a weekend family celebration here at my home. I will not have time to do anything detailed for you for a few days...

You can write here anytime you want, and it doesn't matter whether I have written to you or not, as Im going to keep asking you the same basic questions. This is all about 'you' here and what you're seeing and feeling as it relates to this no self. So feel free to write out what is going on for you.. your beliefs (if any) and anything else that is going on.

Thank you for your answers. From what Im seeing you are answering your own questions.. which is very good as you are seeing things much as they are. This is the point we really get to, where we know for certain not to trust other peoples ideas and views as being some kind of 'truth', as they always can only be what they are seeing. For us, we look for ourselves and nothing can come ahead of this view or seeing. Its the only way to see this..


Please continue to look for this supposed self. Every once in a while.. just come to a full stop.. and look.
So how do we look for this? Do we analyze in our mind whether a self is there or not? Do we debate in our minds the pros and cons of it?
We can do that, but its not very fruitful and will only lead to some kind of mental understanding, of which you already have. Look for this self with your whole being.. Look as if you had lost your keys.... look everywhere and look with your senses for sure. Once this is clear to you how to look, its a very simple thing. As Delma had said to the client.... 'Just Look".

If you 'just look'... do you see a separate entity self anywhere? (keep this in mind as you look)

Bill