Looking for a guide ♥

[onedrop]

Thank you 0kay very much for your help!

[onedrop]

I shall write a little journal entry while I wait for another kind guide to come help me.

I'm now oscillating between basic experiencing or witnessing and unconsciousness. Today I have been witnessing more than unconscious but I seem to hop between the two. It looks like I return back to the unconsciousness when there is something difficult I need to do or think about.But I know from experience hat what I believe to be difficult also changes. I used to be in deep depression and believed everything was difficult. Recently I have bounced to unconsciousness with issues of survival, money and work. I feel the need to control because I believe that things won't go the way I want them to go unless I force them to. I see today that what happens, happens anyway. No effort is needed. There are moments of doubt tho, thoughts that nothing will ever happen if I don't make it happen.

I know to question reality with my mind. How can I know if the world is real or just some impulses in the brain? There is just no way of knowing for sure. I can think about that and then just jump back to the world I have believed to be real. But it's not good enough! I want to experience. And I am when I really focus on basic experiencing. When I write this it becomes harder.

Today I encountered a straight talking blog about enlightenment by Göran Backlund http://www.uncoveringlife.com/. He talks about the subject-object illusion. He says, 'Just as the presence of images on a TV screen imply that they were apprehended by some camera, the presence of an object in experience implies that it’s being perceived by us as its subject.' This is where I'm at trying to inquire deeper into. Backlund says, 'experiencing need not to imply an experiencer, just as raining need not to imply a rainer.' This is a revolutionary idea to me. I've heard it said before but with different words but now it's shaking something in me.

[codyjdennis]

Hey onedrop,

My name is Cody & I will be your new guide.

Just letting you know I will be back in an hour or two for an actual post.

Best,
Cody

[codyjdennis]

Hey onedrop,

I wanted to make sure I responded before heading off to bed.

-----

Before I continue on where you and Okay left off I just wanted to mention what we're really interested in here/how I guide just so you're aware. We are interested in whether the self ("I", "me", "mine", "myself", "my") is real or unreal. It is the foundation of everything. We would want to find out if that is real first, no?

I guide by cutting all the excess, all the fat that would distract us from revealing what you really came here to discover.

I wanted to first note some things you wrote in your last post
- "I am now oscillating between basic experiencing or witnessing and unconsciousness."
- I know to question reality with my mind
- it's shaking something in me.
- Or earlier you wrote something like, "my pain"


The sections I put in bold pay close close attention to. What we are doing is checking the reality of the "I", "me", "my" story. It is in everything we say because it is a essential part of our language and communication, BUT we never question it.

If you notice. You might say any number of these things. "I haven't seen it yet." "I have seen it." "I'm stuck" "I think I'm getting it." etc...it can go on and on.

The things said after the "I", "me", "my" etc are not as important. I'm not saying this in a way to disregard their reality or undermine your real experience. Write what you need to, but pay close attention to those self owning type of words I mentioned (I, me, my, mine etc MORE than the words after) and question it. Find it in experience. If you can't, it's imaginary.

There are only two things the me story could be at the end of the day. Real or Imaginary. Direct Experience is that test. As your last guide said that includes Seeing, Hearing, Tasting, Touching, Smelling. Thinking is not direct experience.

So it all comes down to a simple simple question. Can this 'me' be found in experience. Look very very carefully.

Hope this helps.

Best,
Cody

[onedrop]

Hey Cody and thank you very much for taking the time to guide me :).

Yes, the reality of the I/me. I am now at a point where I see some of the stories about 'me' as unreal but I want to question the ' I' that I am currently believing in. When I deeply ask 'who am I', the mind answers that I'm that which is looking out through the eyes. It feels like that which is aware and watching is me. Not quite sure how to inquire deeper into this. Asking if that I is real, feels like a mind game at the moment but I want to cut through it. Is this awareness also just experiencing?

I have to apologise, I won't be able to post for the 24 hours but will be back asap after that.

[codyjdennis]

I want to question the 'I' that I am currently believing in. When I deeply ask 'who am I'

You're overlooking the most essential thing here.

Where is this self in experience? IS IT or IS IT NOT found in experience. It is more of a yes or no question.

Please stick to this question alone.

[onedrop]

Yes there is a me. I see it as the awareness, the watcher.

[codyjdennis]

Thanks for your honest answer.

Still though? Where are those in direct experience?

Notice how those are words labels too.

[onedrop]

It looks to me that there is still me in the picture. What is consciousness? It looks to me like there are experiences and there is someone watching it.

[codyjdennis]

There is, but it's not a "me". It has nothing personal in it.

Calling it consciousness is still in the realm of thought. I'm not saying stop using it if you like the word, but in the context were talking about its just another thought.

[onedrop]

Okay, I'm getting stuck here. I can't see past the awareness. I just get in a loop of thougths with my mind trying to solve this as a puzzle.

[codyjdennis]

This is not something to get in your mind.

Don't get attached to awareness. It is literally just another word. This is NOT about creating a mental understanding about anything.

This is about looking into our experience if there is or isn't a self.

[onedrop]

This is about looking into our experience if there is or isn't a self.

I understand that this is not something I should be looking from the mind but I don't know how to look. And when I don't know how to look, it becomes just another mind thing. I'm spending time looking but I still identify with the watcher or awareness or whatever it could be called.

[codyjdennis]

Well, you're having an experience right?

Just look around in it. Experience includes seeing, hearing, tasting, touching, smelling. Investigate those.

And the awareness thing. There is no proof of an exact entity "awareness". It's made up. So it's the witness. They're names.

How to we know they're made up? You cannot see, hear, touch, taste, or smell it. It's impossible.

What I am trying to point you towards is to become aware how much we use the words I. Even when you talk about awareness you say "I still identify with awareness". That is why I beat this into the ground.

Is there or is there not a self? We know it's a thought. Is it in our direct experience though?

This isn't complicated. It's just a simple reality thing.

[onedrop]

How to we know they're made up? You cannot see, hear, touch, taste, or smell it. It's impossible.

I feel the center of my body, especially inside my head. This to me feels like me. The one that looks through the eyes. How can I refute it? There is a feeling, the aliveness. There is some pain inside me which also feels like part of me. It doesn't look to me like made up.

How can there be all these experiences without a me experiencing it? Sometimes the world outside seems unreal but I still feel like there is an entity that is witnessing it. Outside world doesn't seem so solid to me as it did before but I feel a centre that resides inside my body which I feel is me.

I truly appreciate your efforts but I am frustrated again as I'm still seeing in two.