Am I awake already?

[globyt]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
We live in a field of energy where everything arises. A tree, every person, a sound, an emotion. I feel like I, and all, is only a manifestation, just as a rock is. Behind thoughts, emotions and senses, I have seen that there is a neutral, very still, unchanging place which I believe to be what we are. I am the watcher of everything that happens.

What are you looking for at LU?
I am confused as to whether the above explained understanding of life means that I am awake or not. I feel so much freer, yet, the unfolding of this has been so gradual (no big explosive shifts) that I am not sure whether I am actually awake or not. I am obsessively watching YouTube videos and looking looking looking. What if I don´t need to look anymore? I just need someone to help me relax, and just live. I would like to get rid of the obsessive loop of "am I" or "am i not?".

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
I expect an honest conversation with someone who can repeatedly question everything I say to the point of breakage. A straight to the point, clear pointing conversation. A place where someone can see where my blockage is, if there is any, and help me break free. I would like someone tender but who is willing to "slap me in the face" if needed - whatever I need is welcome. I just want to get this over with - I am tired of this obsession.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
It began as a "Mindfulness" course some 10 years ago to learn how to live "more relaxed". That later turned into daily vipassana meditation and weekly meditation classes with a teacher. I also went to several silent meditation retreats. I left meditation for a few years ( dedicated a few years to motherhood) and then, when things got tough, I decided to re-engage with meditation. This then lead to me reading Eckhart Tolle´s book which catapulted this whole search. I also found a lot of understanding from Ram Dass, and for some reason later on I found peace in not "having" to meditate. I meditate every occasionally when I actually feel it. Youtube videos of people speaking and direct pointing really helped on my path as well.
In terms of self inquiry, I find it difficult and don´t really fully understand it. I ask questions, wait in silence, but then nothing. Just nothing. Maybe I am not doing it properly, or I don´t have the patience... but I could use some guidance with this too.
Experientially > life feels more free, I know that I am not my thoughts yet I do get trapped in them. Strong emotional releases, feel like waves of energy, I can allow them to come and go, no story attached - this makes me feel deeply human and at home. But I think I still get caught in subtle, uncomfortable or complex/mixed emotions. Lingering anxiety makes me restless, for example.
I am less afraid to feel, though. I am so happy that I am finally allowing myself to feel. Life feels like I am learning to balance my human condition with the fact that I am a spirit. It feels like a delicate art form. I am sometimes very open and love pours out and in, yet at other times I am contracted. Can I just stay open?
I also feel like I am not the person in control of my decisions, as such. As if life unfolds through me without me having to do anything. And by allowing this, by letting go of having to make crucial decisions (for me, or even for my son), it has been so liberating. I am also listening to my intuition, a place in me that says "yes" ( an openess) or "no" (a contraction, an uncomfortable body sensation).
Finally, I am also very open to other people´s energy. So my body can, and has had, many times, a strong physical reaction to the presence of other people. This is clearly a sign of no separation.
There is also a feeling of mystery, and I like being open to this mystery.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11

[graceabounds]

Hello,

I resonated with many things you wrote here and would he happy to be present in this inquiry with you, if you are ready to begin?

Much love,
Becca

[globyt]

Hi Becca,
Thank you so much for reaching out and for your time :)
I really appreciate it.
Im ready!!

[graceabounds]

Great.

Let’s begin here:

I am the watcher of everything that happens.

If you were to point to this watcher, where would a finger be pointing?

In this moment, without referring to memory or thought, what is being watched? What is doing the watching? Look.

Stay here. Is there anywhere a “you” is actually needed for seeing to happen? For a sound to occur? For breath to move?

As if life unfolds through me without me having to do anything. And by allowing this, by letting go of having to make crucial decisions (for me, or even for my son), it has been so liberating.

It does unfold without doing. Not simply crucial decisions. ALL ‘decisions’. Made by no one.
So, who is watching the YouTube videos?
Be precise, not conceptual. What actually happens in the moment of watching? What moves the hand to click? What tracks the thought?

What if I don´t need to look anymore?

So stop. Right now.
Drop all orientation. Don’t look. Don’t not look. Don’t wait for clarity. Don’t wait for some shift.

Be in the full experience of the senses, what is directly experienced here now. This is it. This simple, unadorned, nothing-special experience—this is all there is.

Is it enough?
If the answer is no, look directly at the one who is lacking. What do you find?

Much love,
Becca

[globyt]

If you were to point to this watcher, where would a finger be pointing?

Some energy capable of seeing.
Although not encapsulated into a “thing” but close to my body. I don´t know how it does it, but it just sees.

In this moment, without referring to memory or thought, what is being watched? What is doing the watching? Look.

I don’t understand the question “what is being watched”. Everything is being watched.
What is doing the watching? It is not a specific thing that I can point to. Although it does feel like it’s close to my body.

Stay here. Is there anywhere a “you” is actually needed for seeing to happen? For a sound to occur? For breath to move?

Nothing needed for a sound to occur.
Nothing needed for breath to move.
Both just happen.
I keep changing my answer about this:

Is there anywhere a “you” is actually needed for seeing to happen?

Seeing just happens, the same way breathing just happens.
But then I jump back to the energy field behind my body that decides what to look at or focus on.

So, who is watching the YouTube videos?
Be precise, not conceptual. What actually happens in the moment of watching? What moves the hand to click? What tracks the thought?

Again, it does not feel like a specific thing.
But I still go back to the energy field behind and around my body. Like there is some sort of entity that does it, that is related to my manifestation of a person.

Be in the full experience of the senses, what is directly experienced here now. This is it. This simple, unadorned, nothing-special experience—this is all there is.

I see this.
Right now, it is more than enough and freeing.
I understand it, yet I still get caught most of the time as life happens, stresses, etc.
Its like when I watch a Youtube video and I understand. And then I lose it…

[graceabounds]

Its like when I watch a Youtube video and I understand. And then I lose it…

There’s no “it” to lose. What you’re describing is not losing reality—you’re losing a position.

Understanding is just thoughts flickering.

‘You’ never had “awakening.” You never owned it. There was no arrival. There is no stable state that can be held. And the part of you that wants to hold on to clarity… the YOU who can ‘understand’ how it all works, that is the loop. That is the ghost of the seeker, still lurking.

I still go back to the energy field behind and around my body.

That field is just a sensation + a thought story. That “watcher” energy is a subtle contraction. You’re putting an invisible puppet on the throne of seeing and calling it the real you.

Now look again:

Can seeing be pointed to?
Not the sensation of watching. Not the sense of a field. Just the seeing.
Try right now: point to seeing. Point.

What do you find?

Not a watcher. Not a field. Just what’s seen.
The watcher never existed. It’s always been a concept stitched onto raw sensation.

Now test it:
If you do nothing, just sit here… does seeing stop?
If no one claims the seeing, does it go away? Does sight collapse?

Or does everything keep happening—vision, sound, thought, breath, body tension—without a center?

I still get caught most of the time

Good.

Caught by what? Be precise.

When the stress arises, what actually gets “caught”?
A sensation? A thought?

Track it in the moment. What’s the exact mechanism of being “caught”? Describe it from experience, not explanation.

:)
-Becca

[globyt]

Can seeing be pointed to?

No, it cant be pointed to.

What do you find?

Nothing

If you do nothing, just sit here… does seeing stop?
If no one claims the seeing, does it go away? Does sight collapse?

No it doesn't stop. Doesnt go away or collapse.

Or does everything keep happening—vision, sound, thought, breath, body tension—without a center?

Everything continues.

Caught by what? Be precise.

Caught by thoughts. Thoughts about bodily sensations too. Emotions.

When the stress arises, what actually gets “caught”?
A sensation? A thought?

Nothing gets caught.

Track it in the moment. What’s the exact mechanism of being “caught”? Describe it from experience, not explanation.

I am present, and then boom, I get lost in thought. And I cant not get lost in thought.

[graceabounds]

I am present, and then boom, I get lost in thought. And I cant not get lost in thought.

Exactly. You can’t not get lost.
Because no one is getting lost. That’s the lie.

You’re taking the appearance of thought personally. That’s the entire illusion: that there’s a you inside it. But when you really look, no one is “getting lost.” Thought simply arises, and the body responds. The story of being lost arises after. Always after.

Nothing gets caught.

Now I want you to sit in this.
Let it burn through every moment of future “being caught.”
Because if nothing gets caught, then what’s the problem?

What if there’s just thought. Just emotion. Just contraction. Just reaction. ??
No center. No controller. No observer. No “present one” to be “absent.”

Observe thought closely. Try to determine what your next thought is going to be before it appears. Can you do this? Isn’t a thought only known as it appears? In that case, can
you possibly claim to be in control of the thinking process, the thoughts, choices or impulses that arise, unless you can somehow instigate them beforehand?

-Becca

[globyt]

Hey Becca :)

Now I want you to sit in this.
Let it burn through every moment of future “being caught.”

Every time I remember, and I see that I have am thinking a lot, I repeat: "nothing gets caught".
It takes me out of the loop.
I am wondering whether this repetition can cause a shift?

I am also still wondering whether there has already been a shift?
I know it is subtle...

What if there’s just thought. Just emotion. Just contraction. Just reaction. ??

I know this is true because there is no other way than this.


Am I going to immediately notice the shift, even if it is subtle?


Will you, Becca, be able to tell if the shift in perception has happened?


Also a question came up today:
I am doing therapy, and we do a lot of "parts" work.
What is a "part" then?
I definitely express myself in parts when I am with my therapist (like a may become non-verbal, act childish, and it is totally out of my control, my manifestation just expresses like that automatically).


Thank you so much <3

[globyt]

Also, what is "healing" then?


What is "shadow work"?


If there is only this moment, just manifestation, no one there, than why is there conditioning and expression of "previous" stuff/lives, etc?

[graceabounds]

Hello,

Some good questions here, and yet...
WHO asks them?
Who needs to know?

Sitting in a room, curtains closed, you wonder what the weather is like outside. You can think about it, look it up on the internet, watch the forecast on TV, call your mother and ask her - or you can simply open the curtains and have a look.

So this is what we will be doing. Looking. Really there are no answers, but only you can discover this.

You ask if Becca can tell if a shift has happened. That’s the seeker in disguise. It’s a way of outsourcing responsibility, as if anyone outside could confirm what only the absence of the seeker will reveal.

Every time I remember, and I see that I have am thinking a lot, I repeat: "nothing gets caught".
It takes me out of the loop.

Right here is the doorway. The phrase isn’t causing a shift, it is the shift. But your thoughts keep looking for something else, some confirmation, some dramatic change, some sign that now it’s real.

The loop is this: noticing thought, saying “nothing gets caught,” then waiting for confirmation. That waiting is the loop.

So what happens when you don’t wait? Not for something else to arise. Not for some subtle confirmation. But this very second, when there is just this. Thought. Emotion. Contraction. As you said. Nothing more. No one caught.

Is there actually anyone here who could get caught?


Sit quietly and relax, take your time just looking at what is in front of you for awhile. Observe how the mind is dividing and labelling every thing into objects and is embellishing them with stories about what they are.
Give it some time. Then, stop watching the objects as labelled objects. Just look at the seeing itself. Observe the pure process of seeing. This is direct experience.


So with this, in the spirit of looking in direct experience, go back through the questions in your previous post.

What is here that isn’t story? What remains when even “this moment” is seen to be just another idea?

Much love,
Becca

[globyt]

Hi Becca!
I have been integrating the practice of "nothing gets caught".

WHO asks them?
Who needs to know?

When I ask this, there is blank.

Right here is the doorway. The phrase isn’t causing a shift, it is the shift.

So is that it, then?
Life from now on is about remembering that nothing gets caught?


It seems like I should be at a place of constant "remembering" the above, instead of having to remember: "oh! hold on, nothing gets caught".


You said that the above is the loop - waiting for something else. But then... what is this all about then? Am I supposed to shift or not?


Or is life about little shifts when there is "remembering" ?

Just look at the seeing itself. Observe the pure process of seeing.

I have tried this and the experience of it is like going blank. Also, what happens is that I kind of stop "seeing" with my eyes, a bit like dissociation.

What is here that isn’t story? What remains when even “this moment” is seen to be just another idea?

What remains is the blankness. Is seeing this, IT?


<3 <3 <3
Thank you so much for your time.

[graceabounds]

Hello,

You’re right at the edge, and that “blank” you’re hitting—don’t dismiss it. Stay right there.

Is that it, then? Life from now on is about remembering that nothing gets caught?

No. That’s the trap. If you make it about remembering, you’ve turned the living truth into another concept, something to recall, like a mantra. And then you’re waiting again. You’re waiting to remember.

It seems like I should be at a place of constant ‘remembering’…

Exactly. “Seems like I should…” Who is that about? Who is it that should be in a state of remembering? Look for them right now. Not the thought of them…the actual ‘rememb-er’. Find them.

When you say “nothing gets caught”—what’s actually happening in the moment that feels true? Describe now, without slipping into explanation. Drop “nothing gets caught” and be here. What is left, without even that phrase?

That blankness you describe… That’s not dissociation. That’s the end of narration. The machinery of “me” spinning stories just lost traction. Of course it feels odd. It’s unfamiliar because it’s not filtered through identity.

But then you try to figure it out.

So is seeing this, IT?

Don’t label it. Don’t kill it with a concept. Just stay naked, raw, without grabbing anything.

That is the shift—but not as an event. It’s what’s already happening when nothing is being done to achieve anything.

Here’s a simple exercise:

Please read and say to yourself several times: *There is no separate self, there never was, there never will be*

After each time you read or say it, notice what happens, feelings, sensations, thoughts, movements... And write here what is noticed.

Don't try to get anything right, just share what is seen, unfiltered. Generally this process will be driven by seeing what is already happening, what is already the case. What is effortlessly seen while engaging questions and exercises is what is important. What you actually write me is secondary to that.

In gratitude,
-Becca

[globyt]

Hello again :)

So, that blank space that I mentioned earlier is the space where everything happens.

That blank space is what holds, or helps manifest, everything that I experience.

Thoughts appear, disappear. No reason, no control. Only blank space.

Saying that something is happening to "me" is also a thought.

Saying that "I" exist is also a thought.

The "I" that got invented is a pack of thoughts woven up in a nice storyboard that somehow made sense to "me".

Since everything appears and disappears within this blank, the only stable thing is the blank.

This has to be it, then.

The pointing has always been to the screen or the background within which everything happens and appears. Am I right?


"Healing" is made up - no such thing. Nothing to heal.

"Shadow work" means living through, or allowing, difficult manifestations such as emotions/thoughts to arise and pass through.

However, I still can´t answer what a "part" is, in therapy. Still can´t answer what karma/previous lives/or what conditioning is. Why is there conditioning if there isn't anything stable, holding everything that has manifested, together?

Still don´t know what that blank space is - is that part of the mystery?

Still don´t know where thoughts come from?

Still don´t know what á thought is made up of....


<3 Thanks Becca <3

[graceabounds]

Hello,

This has to be it, then.

The pointing has always been to the screen or the background within which everything happens and appears. Am I right?

Notice the urge for this to be it, for there to be answers, for one of these answers to be ‘right’…

Yet go back through the entirety of your written response and look:
What is here that is not a thought?

Who is asking the questions? What expectations exist that an answer labeled as satisfactory will satisfy?

The purpose of the exercise I gave was not to provide answers but to recognize, in direct experience, what is present. “After each time you read or say it, notice what happens, feelings, sensations, thoughts, movements... And write here what is noticed.” Was all that you wrote in response to my exercise, or was it self-generated inquiry? If the latter please do the exercise now.

Strip the mental knower. The one who wanted to understand this. The one who is still clinging to the role of being on a path.

There is no knower.
There is no path.

Show me where the “I” is—if not as a thought about an “I.”
Where is it?
Can you find it?
Or is it nothing but a label applied to blank space and movement?

-Becca

PS- Please use the quote function to respond to each of my questions in turn so I know what goes with which query. Here is a tutorial:
https://youtu.be/QCbZYSvnTpc?si=AfGP0aVO7ez-LkiB