open to understanding

[ColinS65]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
I understand conceptually that there is no inherent 'I', but am unable to understand it beyond that. Reading other's explanations does not make it any clearer.

What are you looking for at LU?
To connect experientially with 'no-self', if it is possible. I would like to know with absolute clarity who 'I' really am/am not.
I hope that this will enable me to be more present for people around me.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
In a guided conversation, I expect to struggle with unfamiliar concepts and frequent confusion.
I am looking for a guide who can clearly communicate with me and keep pushing me/guiding me when I do get stuck.
I welcome the opportunity for growth through thoughtful exploration.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I have been on 2 Goenka Vipassana retreats (over 15 years ago). I have meditated on and off, primarily using Shinzen Young's 'Global Relaxation' technique. I have found the practices interesting but don't feel I have ever moved on.

I have experienced a few odd phenomena during this time, most recently about a year ago when I spontaneously dropped into an extraordinary awareness where vision changed (seemed much more intense), everything seemed more detailed, I felt slightly detached but was able to do everything as needed. Background thought disappeared by about 90%.I went home and had a coffee - it tasted better than any coffee I'd ever had before. I went out with the dogs on a walk - I don't remember much about it but it was very calm and beautiful. Most of the experience wore off after a few hours, although I still felt it for about another week. I can only say it wasn't a 'no-self' experience because there was 'clinging' - I did not want this experience to go away.

I have never looked into self-inquiry and a little concerned as I don't understand it and am worried I won't be able to do it.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
11

[warissem]

Good morning,

I am here to help you see through the illusion of a separate self.
I invite you to agree with some rules used here :

Read the disclaimer text here :
http://liberationunleashed.com/disclaimer-2/

Post at least once a day, or every second day to maintain the flow of LOOKING AT Direct Experience.

This inquiry is based on DE :seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching or sensations. Don't lean on thoughts or memory when you give answers. Thoughts are used to communicate.

Be 100% honest in your answers and inquiry.

Put aside all other teachings, books, videos, about this staff.

Learn how to use the Quote Function here :
https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=-fAToDNh9hQ

If you are OK with what is said above, let me know.

Best wishes

[ColinS65]

Hi Warissem,

Thank you for your fast response.

I invite you to agree with some rules used here :

Read the disclaimer text here :
http://liberationunleashed.com/disclaimer-2/

Post at least once a day, or every second day to maintain the flow of LOOKING AT Direct Experience.

I have read the disclaimer and agree to post every day/every other day.

Be 100% honest in your answers and inquiry.

Put aside all other teachings, books, videos, about this staff.

Will do. I am ok with these conditions.

I have to go into hospital tomorrow (Sunday) for a procedure and will only be returning home on Tuesday so would prefer not to start the process until then, if that is ok with you.

Best wishes.

[warissem]

Good evening

I wish you go well.

Warissem

[ColinS65]

Hi Warissem,

I'm ready to start the process now.

[warissem]

Hi Colins

Glad to see you back. I want to know about your expectations. After seeing through the illusion of a separate self :

How will life change?

How will you change ?

What will be different ?

What is missing ?

Best for you

[ColinS65]

Hi Warissem,

Hopefully these answers can clarify my expectations.

How will life change?

I don't anticipate any change in my life. My day to day responsibilities will still need to be taken care of.

How will you change ?

I would like to think I would be more present, but I'm also aware that any expectations I have are unlikely to be encountered, so am trying to have as few expectations as possible.

What will be different ?

Perhaps my perspective on how I view others and myself.

What is missing ?

Awareness of who I am.

Colin.

[warissem]

Good morning

Your expectations are realistic.

What is missing ?

Awareness of who I am.

Are you aware of these words on the screen?
Can you be unaware?
Are there 2 : "awareness" and "who you are" ?

Give answers through direct experience : seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching or sensations, noticing thoughts (don't lean on their meaning).

Best wishes

[ColinS65]

Good morning.

Are you aware of these words on the screen?

Yes - I am aware of them by seeing.

Can you be unaware?

I become unaware if I am not looking at them, in which point they only exist as a memory which may not necessarily be reliable.

Are there 2 : "awareness" and "who you are" ?

There is awareness. I am unable to notice a self being aware.
I am a little unsure about this last question and whether I understood it, though.

regards,
Colin.

[warissem]

Hi Colin

I become unaware if I am not looking at them, in which point they only exist as a memory which may not necessarily be reliable.

Is awareness ceasing when there are thoughts?

Here is an investigation of thoughts.
Here is a thought exercise. Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts. Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

Where are they coming from and going to?
Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?
Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?
Can you predict your next thought?
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organised sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’?

Waiting for your insights

[ColinS65]

Hi Warissem,

Is awareness ceasing when there are thoughts?

Yes. To return to awareness I need to stop thinking which is not particularly easy as I am then caught up in the thought.

Here is a thought exercise. Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts. Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

Where are they coming from and going to?

Thoughts seem to seep up from somewhere and disappear like steam dissolving in the air. I can't say where they seem to come from/go to.

Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?

No.

Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?

No.

Can you predict your next thought?

Not specifically, although there seems to be a pattern - issues that of concern, tasks to be completed etc. I noticed these kind of thoughts tended to recur in slightly different forms during the exercise. More 'random' types of thoughts (not related to my main areas of focus/concern) were very rare and fleeting.

Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?

I can steer how thinking proceeds once I am in a thought, but I can't decide which thoughts are going to appear.

Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?

No. I can choose to 'shut down' specific painful, negative or fearful thoughts and force my thoughts elsewhere by actively choosing a different subject, but this is done after the thought has appeared. I can't choose not to have them.

Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?

Only while thinking - not from enabling/preventing them from occurring.

Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

No. It is only possible to prevent it from developing.

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organised sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’?

Not an organised sequence, but patterns of thoughts appear as I mentioned above.
When thoughts appear they often seem to borrow from the last thought and be part of a sequence, but frequently the subject is entirely different.

regards,
Colin.

[warissem]

Good evening

Yes. To return to awareness I need to stop thinking which is not particularly easy as I am then caught up in the thought.

Who (or what) is returning to awareness?

What is aware of thoughts?

Give answers through direct experience.

How do you do to not let a thought develop or to change a topic?

Waiting for your insights.

[ColinS65]

Good evening, Warissem,

Who (or what) is returning to awareness?

'I' am returning to awareness.

What is aware of thoughts?

'I' am aware of thoughts and can remember them.

How do you do to not let a thought develop or to change a topic?

'I' find myself reacting - perhaps it is a visual or physical sensation to a memory. For a tiny moment of fear or panic I realise that I do not wish to follow this train of thought and by an act of will force myself to think of something else - this is an automatic response that I am aware of. I can't say how I choose what else to occupy my mind - perhaps it is some other recent day to day activity or perhaps something pleasant.

Regards,
Colin.

[warissem]

Hi Colin

"I" am returning to awareness

Previously I said that you have to answer after looking at direct experience : seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting and touching or sensations, noticing thoughts (don't lean on their meaning). Looking at direct experience is the key in this process.
Giving answers through thinking or memory is of no help for you.

'I' find myself reacting - perhaps it is a visual or physical sensation to a memory. For a tiny moment of fear or panic I realise that I do not wish to follow this train of thought and by an act of will force myself to think of something else - this is an automatic response that I am aware of. I can't say how I choose what else to occupy my mind - perhaps it is some other recent day to day activity or perhaps something pleasant.

Do you see a thought before it arises?
Look at thoughts, notice them and write down five of them. Stop.
Can you choose the 6th thought?
Is there a basket of thoughts where you choose one before knowing it?

Waiting for your insights

[ColinS65]

Hi Warissem,

Do you see a thought before it arises?

No. It appears and then I get caught up in it.

Look at thoughts, notice them and write down five of them. Stop.
Can you choose the 6th thought?
Is there a basket of thoughts where you choose one before knowing it?

No. I cannot choose thoughts before they appear - they arise independently.

Regards,
Colin.