fear to experience conciously

[radha]

hello everybody, thank you for putting action in the process waking up!!
my name is radha.
i am a 32 years old female from germany. i used to live a gipsy life for some years and now i am in germany for half a year to work and to stay more stable.
while living almost out of the system i realised that i am in a prison wherever i am and that living in nature alone wont make me free... a bitter but releasing aha!
where to go? what to do? there is nothing left to hold on to.....- letting go is the only thing.... it gives me pressure- i dont want to let go, i am panic actually!
at the moment i am in the position to experience these blocks: the holding back of expressing myself, my love, to be afraid of connections even though i need them, to judge and reject etc. it is very confusing for me to experience them clearly, to see i cannot change them, i suffer with open eyes. its not possible anymore to close them, what is necessary is to take full responsibility for what is there- without the story around. hmm, but i find it so difficult to experience without the story. i am really afraid to experience something conciously!!!
so, please, i am really done with poisining my surrounding. i have a lot of knowledge and i need help to put it in action.
people from liberation unleashed! guide me please! if all the germans are busy, i am ok with having help in english as well :-) thank you!

[Derek]

Hi, Radha,

The guidance we provide here is guidance to see that the "I" is an illusion -- It doesn't refer to anything real. There is no "I" to suffer and no "I" to be held responsible for anything. Is that what you want to see? If so, we have a one-on-one forum in German:

http://liberationunleashed.com/nation/v ... m.php?f=18

But the forum will be closed for vacation June 18-24.

[Ingen]

Radha, if you don't want to wait until a German guide is available, and your English is ok, you can open a one-on-one thread in the English section, it won't take long there!

[AnEternalNow]

Just a sharing... something I wrote a week ago.

...........

Some personal reflections.

As an ego (which is just a delusional identification with a self in this body mind), "I" feel trapped in a body, a body being a victim of my circumstances, my life, my environment, in short the world is "my" jail and "I" am a victim of circumstances going against my will - not getting things I want, getting things I don't want, being in a circumstance that I don't like, parting with people or things I like, ageing, sickness, death, the list goes on... A little "me" trapped in a body, a body trapped in a world, etc... Life seen as such is experienced as full of chains, a sense of being a victim of circumstance, of having vulnerabilities and insecurities and wants and worries and sorrows.

As boundless, transparent, space-like clarity, there is no center, no edges or boundaries, no time, no distance, no locality, no jails, no binds, no chains, no free will, no determinism, no-one being victimized... Just this sensate universe as a shining radiance. No center and no edges/boundaries translates to no prison-er trapped by the walls of a jail (that which imprisons). No internal and external translates to no one inside feeling trapped in/by an external circumstance.

This is not about "thy will be done"... There is not even a need for surrender... Nor is there a someone who can surrender or a something to be surrendered to. However this transparency, this "drop-off body-mind" certainly is a release and bliss greater than surrender... A freedom even greater than the release from a physical jail. For, as this transparency, I am already free. No... As this transparency, the universe is free, freely manifesting and freely released every moment... And everything that is faced is the face of freedom.

Freedom does not come "from a situation"... the sense of boundedness is not coming from an external world or situation... It does not even come from the four walls if you are literally living in a physical jail. If we depend on circumstances for a sense of freedom, then if good circumstances that accords with my liking comes, I feel free and at ease, but if "bad" circumstances that does not accord with my will and liking comes, I feel entrapped again and drown in sorrow and self-pity... All because there is a felt/believed sense that "I am, I exist" that could be trapped/untrapped, an imaginary center bounded by an imagined circumstance, an "I" who can get wanted/unwanted things happen "to me" against "my will".

In other words, the notion of boundedness comes from the idea of a me, a me trapped in this body, a body trapped by circumstances of a "world". Realize your true nature, cut the mentally conjured chains and be free.

And life still goes on very much the same... Enlightenment is not a solution for our day to day problems... We still have to solve these "problems" (relationship, job, financial, etc etc) with practical solutions. Many people had false hopes and expectations for "enlightenment". If we had expected "enlightenment" to one day happen and dissolve all the problems in our life, we will be sorely disappointed. But hey, at least I am living life in/as freedom instead of being a prisoner or slave of life, which means a someone who is a victim of a circumstance happeneing against "my will"... A "me" being trapped in a "world". Dropping this literally feels like a heavy burden has lifted off my body... In fact, there is no more felt sense of a body or mind, only pure transparency as this sensate universe.