Looking For A Guide

[SamanthaR]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
I understand - at least intellectually that I am not my body, my thoughts or my emotions. I am a part of something larger. I would like to be able to not just understand it conceptually but to experience it fully.

What are you looking for at LU?
Learning what the knowledge of lack of self “feels” like. Learning to understand as much as possible, what the greater field I am part of is. Figuring out who or what I really am and why. Is there a way to get the truth?

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
As stated above, an understanding of what truly is real, a way to experience beyond the current understandings of the mind and to learn to connect to the larger truth. What are the methods to experience the larger truth in a way that can be integrated into the confines of the personality?

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
Meditation, reading, discussions with others, theological studies.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self?
11

[AlinaP]

Hello Samantha,

Welcome to LU.

My name is Alina and it will be my pleasure to be your guide.

Please answer the questions from your actual direct experience, and only with 100% honesty. Can I get a clear YES on that?

Please learn to use the quote function, maybe video instructions would help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fAToDNh9hQ&app=desktop

Finally you can press 'subscribe to this topic' in the blue bar at the bottom of this page and receive a notification email every time I post here.

Are you ready...

When seen through the illusion of separate self, what is your view on that... how will life change?
How will you change?
What will be different?

Wishing you sincere looking,
Kind Regards,
Alina

[SamanthaR]

My name is Alina and it will be my pleasure to be your guide.

Please answer the questions from your actual direct experience, and only with 100% honesty. Can I get a clear YES on that?

Please learn to use the quote function, maybe video instructions would help: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fAToDNh9hQ&app=desktop

Finally you can press 'subscribe to this topic' in the blue bar at the bottom of this page and receive a notification email every time I post here.

Are you ready...

When seen through the illusion of separate self, what is your view on that... how will life change?
How will you change?
What will be different?

Wishing you sincere looking,
Kind Regards,
Alina

Hello Alina,

Yes on being ready. Yes on the 100% honesty.

Thank you for the video, it was helpful - I am writing on a tablet, so it seems to be quoting oddly...

I will try not to be overly wordy in my answers to your questions. Please let me know if you'd like more elaboration or less.

Many years ago (about 20) I had an experience where I believe that for a short time I lived through the eyes of not being a separate self. It came from many months of meditation but it left relatively quickly. I am basing my answers partially on that experience.
To your first question - My life changed (and I'd like it to change again) radically in that I had no anxiety about anything. It was not just that I was calm, it was that there was no possible need or cause to be worried, sad or scared over anything. The idea of those feelings seemed senseless. I felt I was a part of everything, and not in the fad new age way of meaning it, but I truly felt I was ?unlimited, I suppose. It's hard to find a word to describe it.

My view on that is that it was the true reality or much closer to truth than what I had experienced before or have experienced since then. I have sought for the past two decades to refind it. I know that life would change in that I would feel unrestricted by anxiety or terror or the limiting views of "selfness" and / or I could experience things from a completely different mindset. What I felt then was this love of life and love of adventure (again words are not adequate) and a desire to experience anything and everything I could, good and bad as it was all the same - just experience. I also wanted to help others experience it, but tempered my words so as not to shock them.

I suppose that answers all your questions in one. I want to really experience being alive, but those words aren't sufficient either. It's a different form and experience of life based in truth or clarity. I want to feel the truth in as much as the constraints of the human mind can incorporate it, I want the joy or indifference or perspective of living from there. I want to live from a place that is home.

I hope that answers sufficiently and I truly thank you for guiding me.
Many thanks,
Samantha

[AlinaP]

Thank you Samantha for the intro and the Yes to proceed,

I totally understand the calling! And as beautiful as the past experience was I need you to let it go, it is no longer relevant to what is, right now. The past projected into an expectation will only be a filter through which your mind will try to look. Only one thing you've said is a good reference point - a place that is home.

Can I ask you, what is incomplete right now?
What needs to change?


Take time with these questions, be fully open and honest,


Sending love

[SamanthaR]

Hi Alina,

I have been thinking it over quite a bit. I also took a look at your website and it is lovely. I will be returning back to it.

I can let go of the experience of the past. That is done.

The other question as to what needs to change was more difficult. So much needs to change but I am unsure how much of it is relevant to this forum or if all of it is. So - beyond my living situation, finances, day to day survival - all which create an overbearing stress level; I think the main things that are incomplete right now - are:

1) My self concept. I have noticed over the past several months that I live my life from a reference place of what would make everybody else happy, what are other people's opinions, needs etc., and seem to have forgotten that I exist for my own experiences, desires, viewpoints.

and

2) I have no reference point from which to view myself in the world or universe. I have no general coherent belief system to draw from, even my gut feelings of what might be a greater truth fluctuate more than they ever have. I don't know if it's helpful or not to be untethered to a concept of what reality is, or it's better to begin anew as a blank slate.

I am grateful for your help.
I apologize for taking a bit to answer this. Is there a time frame that you would prefer me to stick to in the future at all?

Also - I am unsure of the protocol. Would it be appropriate for me to ask questions of your experiences, or would you prefer I don't at the moment?

With love and Gratitude,
Samantha

[AlinaP]

Thank you for the feedback on the blog, its a surly is a good reminder for me to update it :)

My experience at the moment of our investigation is irrelevant, every single shift will be unique as much as every human expression of life is absolutely unique. No expectations is a most welcoming ground for the exploration of no self to happen.

Do you still meditate?

Can you write what you understand "looking at direct experience" means?

Can an 'I' be found that generates thoughts?

Could it be that the 'I' that thinks is also just a thought?

Have a look and write what you find.
Sending love.

[SamanthaR]

These questions are definitely tougher and had me contemplating and analyzing for a bit. Which I love to do, so thank you.

I do still meditate, I re-started again about 3 months ago. I try to do twice a day when I'm not emotionally overwhelmed. I've had a few deeper experiences this time around but they are few and far between.

I do think that the 'I' that thinks is just a thought. I tend to believe that the body and matter is just a trick of perception, so to me that part of the 'I' is easy to see as purely thought. The hard part that gets me going in circles is that it is hard to separate in my mind who or what would be thinking the thought that makes the 'I', and what is the purpose of the thought. Where does the thought that makes the 'I' come from? It's very confusing to write out. I viscerally feel that I am part of what is the greater thing thinking the thought but when suffering comes into play, which it does a lot, I wonder why the suffering thoughts ever come into existence and what is the reason they exist at all. I'm probably confusing and going in circles, sorry.

I try to watch the 'I' that seems to generate the thoughts a lot. Over the past several months that I have been meditating and reading, I have tried to see the thoughts arising from something other than 'I' but I seem so attached to them, and they seem attached to each other. I want to see them as something other than how they feel - which is very limiting, constricting and defining, but it has been a challenge to see them coming into being from elsewhere, or to separate from them. They all seem to connect in a chain. The 'I' does seem to be purely made up of thoughts and perception.

I am unsure about looking at direct experience. I think it would be that all experience is just the perceiving of things. I think of it that without senses there would be nothing perceived or experienced. Right now I have a pain in my foot. I feel the pain as sensation and if I look at it directly (I may be going in the wrong direction here, I'm not sure) the pain, sensation, perception of it are kind of all one. My foot almost loses its position on my body and I can see the sensation (intellectually) as really existing anywhere I can perceive it and not on my foot. But I'm not sure if I just totally went down the wrong path with this answer....

Hopefully I didn't make this too muddled. They seem to be hard things for me to verbalize.

With love and gratitude,
Samantha

[AlinaP]

Hello Samantha, wanted to let you know that my weekends are always busy - I have 2 little kids ;)

I will be able to get back to you on Monday.

Take good care

[SamanthaR]

Hi Alina,

Thank you for telling me, but no need - I am very grateful for what you are doing. Whenever works for you is perfect. And please enjoy those little ones. :-)

Have a great rest of the weekend.

Samantha

[AlinaP]

Right now I have a pain in my foot. I feel the pain as sensation and if I look at it directly (I may be going in the wrong direction here, I'm not sure) the pain, sensation, perception of it are kind of all one.

YES!!! please read: http://www.liberationunleashed.com/reso ... xperience/

So whenever I send you questions please answer from direct experience. This investigation is about seeing what is true, and it can only be looked at right here and now. Not in ideas and concepts or analytical speculations.

When you meditate please try the following meditation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBqMxTQPsbE

To continue our exploration we as well need to have one fundamental thing clear. Is there something in your experience you are aware of that has never changed, not matter how many birthdays you've celebrated? Please write in your own words, not from what you might have read in the past.

I viscerally feel that I am part of what is the greater thing thinking the thought but when suffering comes into play, which it does a lot, I wonder why the suffering thoughts ever come into existence and what is the reason they exist at all.

In direct experience, take a look not with your analytical mind, but at what is really happening:
Can 'you' choose not to have painful or negative thoughts?
Can you choose what to think? Can you choose what not to think? Try and write what you find.
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?


Write what you find,
Sending love.

[SamanthaR]

Hi Alina,

There is something that does not change year to year and that is always present, but I only know that thing as "me," or my personality. What I have read in the past has never been able to clear up for me what is different between "me" and the awareness or observer. There are times when I can sense or feel almost like a base or underneath "me" and a top layer "me." The top layer is the one that contains the stories, thoughts, emotions, etc.
When I try and connect or see the base layer me - I get something that knows everything is temporary, it knows the illusions and it oddly has a sense of humor and a desire to experience everything. This is the more permanent aspect of what's been with me and has always told me to "remember" that this life is Not the real reality.
What I have read seems to suggest that this "awareness" wouldn't have a personality. I get mildly depressed reading (Advaita mostly), because it seems to indicate that the awareness is without feeling, or any kind of emotional coloring of any sort. Yet what I can find has a personality, just not "my" basic one. I hope that makes sense and doesn't sound too bizarre.

On thought: I cannot choose the initial thoughts on a topic, they seem to me to be part of the chain of thoughts that replays in my mind. I seemingly can choose to keep them going on or try and stop them. Like in meditation when I bring my attention back to my breath or the moment etc. I cannot prevent a thought from appearing. There are definitely times when it's clearer to me that the thoughts are out of my control and seem to come from nowhere. But - who is choosing these thoughts then and more importantly - why?

I did the meditation and I like him a lot. I have listened to podcasts given by him. I am still working on separating out my will vs. the hearts will.

I'm trying to go from direct experience only. I spend most of my time alone, so I have a lot of time to scrutinize the contents of my mind. But even when I analyze (or over analyze) I need to experience everything in order to assimilate it, so what I have read gives me ideas to try and see if I can experience those concepts. Like the ever present awareness above. I can't seem to grasp the 'boundless love' that others describe, but I can grasp and see the 'thing' that has humor and knows the illusions and impermanence of life. I cannot sense what if anything is under that thing or layer. I do not know how to look for it.

With love and gratitude,
Samantha

[AlinaP]

So there is as you call it the base layer me, the present 'I Am' ness - aliveness - being. That is what is unchanging, real.

Now let this be and have a look at the individual 'self'. So now look at the real possibility that there is no “you” no 'self' in real life. That all is happening by itself, without a manager. Look inside and tell me what feeling comes up.

What I have read seems to suggest that this "awareness" wouldn't have a personality. I get mildly depressed reading (Advaita mostly), because it seems to indicate that the awareness is without feeling, or any kind of emotional coloring of any sort. Yet what I can find has a personality, just not "my" basic one.

Forget what you've read for the continuation of this process. Its true that awareness has no colours, but that is not where one is going to spend their life at, humanness is still happening and the expression of life as that is unique in personalty (flavour).

But - who is choosing these thoughts then and more importantly - why?

The mind will never have all its questions answered, the questions are endless, but they only stay in the realm of language and cannot touch realty. There is no one that does the choosing and for it to be so it doesn't need to be understood. Look in your own experience, don't rush, but really look. Is there anything that points to there being someone that makes the choice, apart from the brain, but are you your brain? There actually is no “you” that makes choices, seriously. Check it. Actually check if this is true.

Write what you find.

[AlinaP]

Sorry to confuse you Samantha, but i gave you the wrong link to meditation, here is what i meant, please use the first one out of the two that are on the following video - 'allowing everything to be as it is': https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VtYWZlr4NM0

Sending love.

[SamanthaR]

Now let this be and have a look at the individual 'self'. So now look at the real possibility that there is no “you” no 'self' in real life. That all is happening by itself, without a manager. Look inside and tell me what feeling comes up.

Fear is definitely the feeling that comes up first. The fear is that if there is no manager looking out for physical and emotional survival, then ‘I’ will suffer horribly.
In my life, during times when I haven’t tried to manage what was happening, the outcomes have been unbearably bad, so I’m not sure if I trust the awareness that has been the true manager, I think it may have been sleeping on the job...

BUT - There is also a feeling of relief and freedom of not needing to be hyper-vigilant all the time if it’s all happening by itself. Then it doesn’t matter if my energy is spent trying to control outcomes or not, so I can relax. If I trusted and didn’t manage, I’d feel like I can truly be the observer and enjoy things, even the less enjoyable things as curious experiences instead of as traumatic events. I keep thinking that it would be like I could really be alive instead of being worried about what to do all the time. That’s what I’m hoping for, and every now and then I get a glimmer of it.

I am still thinking about who is making the choices or who is thinking. I am having a hard time grasping that. I am right now feeling like I want to walk in the park. So my brain made the choice, I am not my brain, but I am struggling with who or what would decide to do things or have experiences. Maybe I am over complicating it. The origin of thoughts is still perplexing me. Im not sure why thoughts are so difficult for me to release as not originating with me. I will keep working on it.

I did the meditation and at first I thought - if I let go of the meditator then I am back to my usual thought stream. But then something clicked and I just fell into no thoughts without having to force the concentration. It was really easy after a bit. I tried it with my eyes open later and it’s odd - it’s as if objects in the room have no meaning and I have no context for them or emotion towards them whatsoever.

With love and gratitude.
Enjoy your weekend,
Samantha.

[AlinaP]

Fear is definitely the feeling that comes up first. The fear is that if there is no manager looking out for physical and emotional survival, then ‘I’ will suffer horribly.

It is very normal to experience fear. Fear is a form of protection.
Can you see what it is protecting, not a past outcome but now, what is the sensation of fear wants to say?

What happens to the i when you stop imagining it? That happens a lot through the day, when you get into some activity where you no longer notice anything other than the activity.
Does life really need a manager in a form of you?
Or is it happening all by itself?

The origin of thoughts is still perplexing me. Im not sure why thoughts are so difficult for me to release as not originating with me. I will keep working on it.

Try to find a thinker that’s separate from the thoughts. Watch the thoughts and see if there is a separate conscious thinker that chooses which thoughts to think. You’ll very quickly see that there’s no conscious thinker at all. Just thoughts arising from the subconscious, totally uncontrolled. Don’t take my word for it though, actually look and see for yourself. You can see it clearly in meditation, or any other activity driving, walking, washing dishes... etc.

There is no control, nor is there any controller. There is only life living itself. Everything operates by cause and effect without any ownership. If you look honestly you’ll be able to clearly SEE that thoughts arise seemingly from nowhere and that consciousness doesn’t choose them. Examine, take a look.

I did the meditation and at first I thought - if I let go of the meditator then I am back to my usual thought stream. But then something clicked and I just fell into no thoughts without having to force the concentration.

Beautiful... to experience this with open eyes is what our direct looking at realty is pointing to. But as of meditation please continue to use the same one for the rest of our investigation.

Write what feels absolutely true to you, 
Sending love.