how to wake up

[Esther]

Although I recognize my thoughts are just thoughts, I seem to get lost in them quite easily. It feels like there is 'something' keeping me from really seeing...something holding on to the illusion of an I. When I get lost in thought (believing I'm not good enough for example) I can see through that, and they sort of fall apart immediately, but they keep coming. Intellectually (is that a word?) I understand I'm dreaming, but I can't seem to wake up...
Can somebody help?
Esther

[Ilona]

Dear Esther.
I'll help you through.
It is not that complicated to see when you know where to look. And through all your life questioning your own existence seemed a non issue. I will help you with your inquiry. All you need to do is trust the process, answer questions with full honesty and get back to me at least once a day. Even if you feel stuck. I'm here to help you with that.

Ok, let's start from your expectations.
Just make a list of all what you expect Theo's liberation to be like, what you want it to be and what you think it's gonna feel like.

Please answer when ready.

[Esther]

Ok, let's start from your expectations.
Just make a list of all what you expect Theo's liberation to be like, what you want it to be and what you think it's gonna feel like.


I think you meant Esther's liberation.. :)

What do I expect?
I expect to see through my thoughtstories all the time (and won't be caught in the negative feelings that follow) instead of seeing through them many short moments..I expect not to be afraid anymore. I expect to feel blown away by this beautiful life once I 'see it". I expect I will know for sure, instead of not knowing what I am.

[Esther]

Hi Ilona,
Just came up with another one: I expect to relax. To sleep deep at night (at night is when I notice my alertness, my tenseness most) It's not that I'm a very tense person, but deep down something is never home, so to speak. Even now my life couldn't be happier and better.

[Ilona]

Thank you for answers.
You expect to know what you are. That is a tricky one, hehe. All identification is assumed. There is no real you. There is no you at all. How does this make you feel?

There is no separate being behind word Esther. none absolutely.
As in zero.

If that was true ( which already is and I will help you to see that) what would be lost?

[Esther]

Thank you for answers.
You expect to know what you are. That is a tricky one, hehe. All identification is assumed. There is no real you. There is no you at all. How does this make you feel?

Reading your words makes me feel suddenly very happy. Like something is coming alive. Makes me feel free and full of energy!

If that was true ( which already is and I will help you to see that) what would be lost?

What would be lost...my self-image. My doubts. My reluctance.

[Ilona]

What would be lost...my self-image. My doubts. My reluctance.

ha, self image is not gonna get lost. the character Esther is gonna keep playing the role and still have likes and dislikes.. no, doubts are also gonna come for a visit. it's not like that. what happens is that it's clearly seen that you are not that self image, that doubts are not yours.

so let's dig deeper.

does a cat or a dog have a character? does an animal have an i? how does an animal run without it?
how about a human animal?

let's see what comes up.

[Esther]

what happens is that it's clearly seen that you are not that self image, that doubts are not yours.

Yes. Here I get confused. I still think there is an I that produces doubts.
The character, Ok, that seems to be something else..like an oak is an oak and not a birch. But somehow I believe that doubts or feelings of weakness are coming from an I. They seem to be my 'own' doing. When you say 'doubts are not yours' something in me doesn't understand that. (I know its not very logical, but it feels that way)
At the same time, when I try to find where these thoughts come from, I cannot find an I who's thinking the thoughts. They are just there, out of nowhere. So I sort of feel stuck here. Somehow my worries feel so private, like I am here and life is there, and I should let go of these worries in order to be free. I find it hard to really see that I'm not my worries. It's like I'm glued to this stupid thought.

And yes, a cat has a character an so do I. Lots of 'Esther' things that just come up, not my doing.

[Ilona]

This is it, you are almost there.
Keep noticing that there is no I that thinks thoughts.

I is a thought.
Can a thought think?

[Esther]

The I feels like a crowd of thoughts trying to make sense of itself..

No. A thought cannot think. So they are merely just images or words coming up.
I notice that I want to understand what it is, probably to keep control. Which I don't have.
If I let the why go, thoughts just come up. Amazing. They seem loose things now, not attached to anything.

It seems that without the I-thought nothing is 'my own'.
Suddenly there's no coherence, nothing private.
Wauw. What a relief! Like everything opens up..
Also a bit of fear coming up to lose this..to believe in I again.

[Ilona]

Awesome! You are righ here at the gate!
Now tell me, is there a you to cross?
Is there a gate?

[Esther]

There is no I to go through a gate.
How can a thought move through a gate?
There is no gate.

There's just all this happening. I see now that I wanted to get rid of my thoughts. But I can't get rid of my thoughts just as I can't get rid of the sound of the dog barking or this table. There's no need to. The me-thought just glues all these loose thoughts together into a story that even more confirms there's a me..

I feel a bit ehm..sort of empty. Not finally 'seeing' something, but like something fell away, that coherence.
Bit speechless. Wauw. Thanks so much..
I have to leave now, back later this evening,
love
Esther

[Ilona]

Woo hoo!
Yes!

I'm gonna ask you some questions, answer honestly as you see it.

Is there a self in any form or shape in reality? Was there ever?

What is this illusion of separate entity, how does it work? When does it start?

[Esther]

Is there a self in any form or shape in reality? Was there ever?

No. Only as a thought. You cannot see this 'self'. It has no form or shape. It's nowhere!
Although I must say that I can still feel the habit of assuming this self. Like I could just as easily believe in it again.But at the same time something changed this morning. After an afternoon spent in town and having dinner with friends (not talking about this), the I feeling is still gone. And I'm still the same, acting the same, nothing changed. I also still feel a bit empty, in a good way. Feels a bit like carrying around a big secret that is no secret at all.

Was there ever an I? No, there couldn't have been. It doesn't exist, I can see that now.

What is this illusion of separate entity, how does it work? When does it start?
Maybe this illusion starts when we learn to talk (and listen) and people tell us who we are. They tell you you are a girl, or a boy, that you are sweet or lazy, or bad, or whatever. You believe what they tell you, because there is no other way to know yourself. You see others around you and assume you are also someone. A separate person with an identity. An identity made up by words an reactions from other identities. And then you start to feel good or bad about this identity, trying to live up to it or trying to get rid of it. Never questioning your identity in the first place. Never questioning if there is an I to begin with. Just being focussed on the never-ending story of your identity. And it all seems so real!
Well, to me it did..

[Ilona]

This is great! Yes, there has never been a self nor there will be. Even if doubt visits, that which has been seen, can not be unseen. :) there is this amazing video that you may want to watch, if you haven't seen it yet, especially the end bit.
http://markedeternal.blogspot.com/2011/01/judge.html

So how does it feel to be liberated? What was the last barrier between fantasy and reality? What made you look?

I'm delighted for you, Esther.
Lots of love.