An invitation...

[Nemo]

Burning to get this done? Let's do it.

[Squonk]

Hi Nemo!

Just a little backstory, if it's in any way relevant...

My name is Marat. I've stumbled upon Ciaran's story two days ago, and the idea has been bugging me ever since, leading me here.

I've been exploring the self-help topics for about a month now. I started out with RSD Blueprint Decoded (which is PU related, but is mostly about self-development), and the last DVD of it contained a simple idea: that happiness and feeling good is your default state. That was a very liberating thought, and also that led me to Eckhart Tolle. Tolle's books helped me realize how much pain and frustration is imaginary, self-generated... how people are constantly engaged in petty fights for the ego.

And though these things helped a lot, there's still a subtle feeling of disappointment. I sometimes feel like all this is just a new belief system, that can crumble down. That I'm still not good enough. That many people around me are better, are having more fun. That I'm doing this or that properly, regret some things, etc. That I need to do something to become happy.

These feelings aren't as strong now. But they are still there. Still overwhelming me sometimes. Some final step needs to be done.

But when I try to look deep, to really search for myself, the brain comes with a million other thoughts and excuses not to do it. Not now, Marat, you're sleepy today. Not now, let's do it later. You need to work now...

So typing this will hopefully set things in motion. No more excuses. Let's do it.

[Nemo]

Hey there Marat, great to be working with you.

You have this feeling that you have developed new belief systems that could crumble down. Do you know why that feeling might be there? I'll tell you. It's because they are other people's beliefs that you have adopted as your own, without actually seeing if and how they apply to your own reality.

This is the one key that is needed to answer any question - is it true? How does is apply in reality, in direct experience?

So, time to search for a self. Be thorough, and be honest. Don't search as if you're expecting a self to either exist or not exist. First and foremost you are looking for the truth, despite anything you may have heard or read elsewhere.

Okay, go!

[Squonk]

Okay, so I'm sitting here. The computer. Typing. Keys. The hands are pushing them. Typing a response. Okay. Where do the words come from? From the brain, it knows how to speak English, how to put thoughts into words.

So where do thoughts come from? Ok, wild thoughts seem to come from nowhere, just something like a pop-up window that show up or maybe triggered by some other thought or something seen or heard or whatever. But I can make my brain think about specific things, right? Something random. So maybe I want to think about an apple. It's there, lying in the kitchen, red and delicious and I bought it at a supermarket. But why did I chose to think about it? Who did? Was it even my choice to think about it or is it just a result of a chemical reaction that all goes back to some random alignment of molecules in the universe?

I'm confused.

How is it possible that I'm not the one making decisions? All past experience shows that I made decisions based on whatever million factors there are: knowledge, goals, emotions, whatever. It is entirely possible that it's just chemistry and electrical signals reacting to other signals. Pure physics, nothing mystical. Could be emulated with enough computing power probably. Science has proven it, didn't it? But it doesn't feel like it.

So perhaps all of the actions, thought and decisions are just results of some complex processes going on inside the body. Is it predetermined? How come some people go on and overcome obstacles, while others give up? What's the difference?

And also, wouldn't the notion that there's no decision maker responsible for everything become an ultimate excuse? Excuse for laziness, for fear, for inaction, for doing and feeling bad, destructive and painful stuff?

It feels like all these questions take me further away from looking. Logic and thought, so safe and familiar. Hmm.

I've spent the last couple of days in a strange calm and confused state. Neither happy nor unhappy. Everything seems strange and fake somehow. I am not the unhappy whining guy I often was before. I am not the proactive fun happy guy I have mostly been for the last few weeks. Who am I?

[Nemo]

Great start to the inquiry Marat. You're asking some great questions here.

So where do thoughts come from? Ok, wild thoughts seem to come from nowhere, just something like a pop-up window that show up or maybe triggered by some other thought or something seen or heard or whatever.

Is this true for only some thoughts, or all thoughts?

But I can make my brain think about specific things, right? Something random. So maybe I want to think about an apple. It's there, lying in the kitchen, red and delicious and I bought it at a supermarket.

Take a look, you answered your own question here. Was there a you who was responsible for the thought of an apple, or was it the actual apple itself, lying there in the kitchen?

But why did I chose to think about it?

Circumstance and/or environment. Absolutely any thought, or decision - in fact, anything at all you could possibly try to attribute to a self - comes about through the conditions unfolding as life on this planet. Give it a try - trace any thought back to it's origin and see if this is true.

How is it possible that I'm not the one making decisions? All past experience shows that I made decisions based on whatever million factors there are: knowledge, goals, emotions, whatever.

Wonderful! Can you see how it was always these factors which were responsible for making decisions, rather than a you? And, that an I taking credit for them is only ever an afterthought?

Here is something that you might also find interesting. Scientific study has conclusively demonstrates that the human brain knows what we will consciously choose up to 6 seconds BEFORE we make the conscious decision.
Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmT-aFvRHKY

"And also, wouldn't the notion that there's no decision maker responsible for everything become an ultimate excuse? Excuse for laziness, for fear, for inaction, for doing and feeling bad, destructive and painful stuff?"

Pure speculation. And the thing about speculation is that it is capable of going on forever, endlessly, in lieu of actually looking at reality.
You could also note here, that if observation of reality shows the decision maker to be an illusion, then the idea that one could make choices such as laziness, fear, etc. would also prove to be illusory.
BUT! You don't need to make guesses. You can actually find out if any of this is true, first hand.

It feels like all these questions take me further away from looking.

Yup, exactly my friend :) So let's get back to that inquiry.


Is I anything more than a thought?

[Squonk]

I'm trying to look now. It feels weird.

Like the very act of looking is something initiated by self, by will. Yet it's supposed to be an effortless thing. Like actual looking with the eyes.

hmmmm

Random thoughts and emotions pop up. Sudden subtle touches of sadness and laughter. And numbness, like there are no feelings at all. And bursts of despair. And fear.

I'm not sure how to do it.

Who am I? What is I?

Not these things around me. There is emotional attachment to some stuff, but if it was gone, I'll still be there.

Is it my body? I can feel it. It is possible to focus attention on different parts of it. Or sometimes entirely forget about it, like when deep in thoughts. The body can influence thoughts and emotions, but it's not me.

So is it my mind? I can focus attention on thoughts. But it doesn't feel right. Thoughts do pop up themselves, even the logical ones. In fact, it always was weird how the answer on math tests, for example, just appear in the mind. No matter how hard is the "effort" to think and solve problems, the brain does it automatically, if it's trained enough to do it.

Wait a second...

Now that I think of it, it makes much more sense now. If the mind is directed at some problem, it either finds a solution eventually, or it doesn't. That was always the case for me at school and university. And I never understood how other people seemingly put effort into learning something and succeed.

To me, it was always automatic: give the mind an interesting problem to crunch and the gears start turning. And if you give it harder to solve problems, over time its abilities improve, so there's your growth and education.

But that was exactly the source of frustration: the "me" cannot take responsibility for success. Or failure. Only backwards-rationalize that "I'm good and able" when this brain-body thing did something that's perceived as good, or "I'm bad" if it failed. No matter how hard "me" tries to do the "right" thing, it's powerless.

Motivate myself to do something? Hell no. Never could. Impossible. If a motivating thought pops in, a proper mood, an inspiring conversation or sight, then motivation kicks in. Some trigger. Not "me".

To think of "me" as the mind doesn't make sense. "Me" is as much my mind, as it is the hand that's typing these words. The mind is just a tool, it can be sharp and powerful, or weak and tired.

But the rationalizations of "good me" and "bad me" aren't me either. They are just concepts the brain makes to put a label on reality. Useful, sure, it allows the brain to quickly and easily toss thoughts around. But they could be entirely different labels and concepts if I was born, say, in some African tribe.

So brain is not me. Thoughts are not me. Labels and words are not me.

Still there's the feeling of me, only the "me" is now a scared angry little thing, that can't really control anything. Surely sounds like a fictional being, but more on a logical level.

Bursts of frustration rise and vanish. And fear. And my head hurts. :) and also it's 2 AM here, so time to sleep.

Yet something is going on...

[Squonk]

Some more thoughts and realizations.

All the world's a stage. Huh.

There are all these roles I'm playing. Deep roles and shallow ones, comfortable and difficult, long and quick. Role of a man, a son, a competent programmer, a fun guy, a depressed guy, a leader, a follower. A truth seeker. When the need arises, I can assume a lot of roles. Or, rather, not I. The brain. Click - and the wiring goes live. Train your brain and you can wire it to become someone you've never been before. That's how we live and learn.

All the roles are false in a sense. And real. That's hard to explain...

Is the actor on the stage playing prince Hamlet the prince himself? Yes and no. No, we know he has a different name and lives in different time and after the performance he's probably going home. But right now, as he's there, he's feeling what Hamlet is feeling and thinking like him, so he is him.
(btw, I'm not sure that acting works exactly like that, but, to a certain extent, it probably does :)

The roles are not me. Thoughts and emotions and feelings and desires that come with a role are real, yet they are not me.

There's a tiny voice in my head, that screams even now: "Stop this bullshit! You are wasting time! Go achieve! Look at all those people that are better than you!". That's the achiever role. Conditioned to be successful. By whom? By other people telling and showing how being successful is good and respectable. Also not me.

"Me" tries to attach itself to all those roles and create an identity. It's so easy to say "I'm a man", "I'm a <profession>", "I'm an intelligent person". It's scary to let go of the identification. Who would I be, if not this or that?

[Nemo]

You're doing great.
It's true, roles are real in a sense as well as false. It's because they are roles without any actual actors behind them. The character called 'Marat' is only a character, but there is no "real you" role that you could play instead. Marat is something real. YOU are not.

Who would I be, if not this or that?

Why is there a need to be something at all? Examine this need. Is it holding you back?
As soon as you nail anything down, as a belief - 'THIS IS ME' - all other possibility and potential is lost. Liberation is believing nothing, and in that freedom being open to all.

[Squonk]

As soon as you nail anything down, as a belief - 'THIS IS ME' - all other possibility and potential is lost.

Yes, this is exactly why I'm here - to be free whatever I want to be. To experience life as it is, with all it's joys, not resist and blame and suffer. To be at peace, at home in the world.

It all seems vague and strange. Like trying to find something that is everywhere and nowhere. Like grabbing air with the hands. The mind tries to find some solid ground, but ultimately words and thoughts and logical constructs are only a distraction.

I was walking home today, and tried to do a thing... Or rather "not do". To mentally relax, let go of thoughts and judgements and just observe, look at the world. At my body walking, at thoughts coming and going. It's not an action, but rather an attempt to drop the painful chaos, the mental constructions. I'm not sure there is a word that describes an action of non-action :)

There was a feeling that I'm standing on the edge of something. Hard to describe. Like some thin veil is between me and the gate. Or like a rock at the road, a small one, but I can't walk though it. Can't make that step.

And the logical answer is because there's no me to make the step, but how to see that?

[Nemo]

Here's a little experiment which can be extremely potent.

You have been looking for a self, in an intellectual fashion, and you can't seem to find one, although something still hasn't quite "clicked" yet, correct? It's one thing to intellectualise something, and quite another to see how it actually applies to reality, in direct experience.

So try this: Apply no-self to life. Look upon the world as though self does not exist. See if this is real and how it holds up. Not just in the mind, but in daily life, activities, interactions, etc. Does it apply? Are there any inconsistencies?

[Squonk]

You have been looking for a self, in an intellectual fashion, and you can't seem to find one, although something still hasn't quite "clicked" yet, correct?

Exactly. While I seem to understand more and more what the illusion of self is, how it works in me and other people and why it is an illusion, there was no "click", no shift in consciousness. Even though I'm getting more aware of everything and happy and confident and less worried etc.

So try this: Apply no-self to life. Look upon the world as though self does not exist. See if this is real and how it holds up. Not just in the mind, but in daily life, activities, interactions, etc. Does it apply? Are there any inconsistencies?

Yes, I was watching at life sort of going on it's own, without the need for some controller pulling the strings. Going around, talking to people, thinking, engaging at things. Even when there's thought and decision involved, there is no forcing myself to do something. It's all... automatic. And it feels like real life. Vibrating, doing, experiencing, seeing, interacting.

Still... I don't know. There's doubt whether I'm there or just fooling myself. I almost get it. Almost. But you either see it or not, right?

Finally I'm gonna get enough sleep today. I'll continue observing the life tomorrow, to see if there's a hint of "me" still trying to control it... and probably will be able to better express my observations in words :)

[Squonk]

It feels like I'm going in circles.

Like I really want to do it, to make that step, but how can "I" realize that there is no "I"?

I mean, it all makes sense, logically, yes.

But I'm lost. All these words and posts and videos. It's all true, but it's just words.
The mind is looking for some clue, something that will trigger it...

And I still don't know what "looking" means exactly. It probably can not be explained in words, hence the confusion.

[Squonk]

I remember having this strange feeling. It happened a few times in the past, always just before falling asleep.

The feeling was that this Marat with all his thoughts and worries and plans is just a puppet. Or more like a videogame character, like one from The Sims. Something completely alien, not me at all.

That my true existence is something much more vast. Not even a human being. An immortal soul, a spiritual entity, pure consciousness... It's hard to describe. Inherently free of all thoughts and identifications.

And the person walking around and immersed in daily thoughts is something that the soul has decided to play with. But it got lost in the game, forgetting what it truly is.

Then comes the day and the noise and I'm back in myself.

[Nemo]

So, you're attributing your self - your 'true existence' - to some grand mystical omnipresent entity that underlies everything, yes? There are many labels used... some call this God, but a name that I like to use is simply "life". I like this word as it simplifies things, it rids it of it's mystery and elusiveness while retaining all it's magic, and it re-bestows all the recognition of majesty and awe that life itself is worthy of. It makes it real, and knowable.
So there is this incredible all-encompasing life force at play. This exists, there can be no doubt. But what exactly makes it you, more than an idea?

[Nemo]

Marat, are you still there? Where are you at with this?