New here.

[Metta777]

Hi, My name is Delphine, I started meditating about two years ago. I have had some experiences that lead me to believe the premise of this board. would like to enlarge on that and reach a point where it really sinks in enough to effect my life in a positive way. Well, more then it has. I am surely not enlightened or I wouldn't be having a conflict about it.

[dreamer]

Hi Metta777

I would be pleased to guide you.

I want us to reply at least on time a day - if occassionally not possible we will let each other know in advance - if possible.
Also I expect you to be willing to let go of believes and give honest answers, not true answers, not right answers but what you experience when looking, descriped as exactly as you can.

I you agree on that please tell my your understanding of 'being enlightend'. What does it mean, what does it emply and what do you see as the benefits of being enlightened.

Is it ok if I call you Metta or do you prefere another label ;)

Warm regards Vivi

[dreamer]

Sorry Delphine - actually saw your name but forgot

[Metta777]

Hi thank you for you time. :-). All the things you mentioned are fine, I am retired so can easily keep in touch once a day. Metta is my Buddhist name, so that's fine also. Nice to meet you Vivi.

[Metta777]

Now to your questions. :-) I have to think about what you asked, as I am not exactly sure what enlightened is. I believe it is feeling or experiencing that which I know to be true all the time. Intellectually I believe," all are one". I have had a few experiences that have led me in that direction. But then it seems like a dream, I sit wondering did it really happen the way I remember it. I think it should make a difference in the quality of my life. In how I am with myself and other people. I just find it difficult to reconcile some things. My experience has been that during prayer and meditation in the past, there was one in particular that I felt a part of everything, I was dying, being born, dancing, grieving, loving, it was like a globe above my head and I was a part of all life not just me. I was totally blissful, then it was gone. I want that back, it was wonderful. Then I get periods of heightened awareness, the colors are so beautiful, I feel warm inside and totally at home right where I am in that moment. Or I suddenly drop into a feeling of total peace and silence, stillness. Then bam it's gone again. I wonder why it doesn't stay with me, or if it is even real sometimes. Intellectually I guess it is a struggle reconciling some of the horrendous things that go on with what I intuit on another level. Like I know there is a part of me inside that is beautiful, untouched, a light or energy that just seemed to pour out to fill me up one time. I don't know if this even makes sense to you, or me,lol. It did not seem to be effected by the problems and difficult parts of life. Then it almost feels as if I am less alive then during that experience, lost, again, when I was home. It was like seeing home after a long time and then getting booted out. I would think enlightened would mean, no more fear of anything and feeling at home with people, which I don't always feel.

[dreamer]

Hi Delphine

Thank you for your answer :)
Now we both have a picture of what you think enlightening be. Let's leave it here, at the top of the thread. We can revisit it when ever it feels right to do.

Here are some sentences taken out of what you wrote:

I believe it is feeling or experiencing that which I know to be true all the time. Intellectually I believe," all are one". I want that back, it was wonderful. I wonder why it doesn't stay with me. Intellectually I guess it is a struggle. I would think enlightened would mean, no more fear of anything

See, it is filled with terms like believe, want, wonder, guess and think. That is NOT what we are looking for from now on :) We are looking for what you KNOW. - and don't worry it is pretty 'normal' to believe, want, guess and so on. It is just not what we are looking for here.

There are also a lot of 'I'.

'I' does not excist. What feelings arise when reading this? - careful look for feelings, not thoughts or believes.

:) Vivi

[Metta777]

Yes, there is too much "I", :-) . When I read the I does not exist, I feel two things, some fear and some relief. Not sure what I am hanging onto, ego is the easy answer, but think it's more then that. Conflicted. It would be so nice, no more I to deal with. Yet it feels like a death of some kind too, which perhaps is the fear.

[dreamer]

Good!

Now look at the fear. What are you afraid of? Make a list whit as many feelings and body sensations described as possible.

Greetings Vivi

[Metta777]

It was strange, but my immediate physical sensation was in my stomach, a feeling of discomfort, like when someone is hungry and has an empty stomach for a long time. Plus, almost a sinking sensation, like a hole, in fact I recently had a dream of falling into a black hole. Then immediately remembering when I was very ill as a child and telling my mother, if I fall down the hole mommy I won't come back. Funny thing for a child to say.

[dreamer]

Good work Delphine, seems there is a fear of falling into a hole and not come back. Disappearing?
Look in to that fear. Again body sensations in focus :)

Vivi

[dreamer]

Then what happens when you read:

Fear of disappearing - is a thought.

[Metta777]

Fear of disappearing/death seems synonymous. Again with slight anxiety and like a pit in my stomach, but not as much as before. Sometimes it is like I am two people,lol. One who already knows the truth and another who fights it. It is only a thought and not a reality? Hmmm, the difference between thought and experience?

[Metta777]

Perhaps it is the expectations of what enlightened would be. Like it should make a permanent and lasting change in my life. It would make me a better person somehow.

[dreamer]

Sometimes it is like I am two people,lol. One who already knows the truth and another who fights it. It is only a thought and not a reality?

Yes Delphine, you already know and what is between the knower, the knowing and the known is a thought.

What are your relationship to thoughts? Where does thoughts come from, where do they go, how are thoughts created, what do you know about thoughts?

Greetings Vivi

[dreamer]

What does become a better person mean?