Am I in a universe level Truman show?

[superchook]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this? That there is no me or I here, and this whole self thing is an illusion or delusion. An amazingly sticky illusion.

What are you looking for at LU? I honestly think I just got the Cosmic joke after reading a few chapters of the liberation unleashed book. The Nona chapter.

I want to check whether it is true or not.

This has been a long time. Christianity, then atheism, then self improvement, psychology, 25 years and then non duality for I want say 3 years.

Sailor Bob Adamson. John Wheeler, etc

I want the search for truth to be over.

What do you expect from a guided conversation? Someone who can confirm that I get the Cosmic joke. And help me orient.

Because holy cow, if this is real what next?

And if I didn't get it, I would very much appreciate being put on the right track again.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry? A long time. Self improvement, psychology, 25 years and then non duality for I want say 3 years.

Sailor Bob Adamson. John Wheeler, etc

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11

[graceabounds]

Hello,

I'm happy to explore this with you. What name would you prefer to go by here? superchook or something else?

Take a look here:
If I declare: There is no separate self at all, never has been, never will be.
What comes up?

I want the search for truth to be over.

Does this still feel alive, or is it a habitual question? Is there anyone in charge of asking it? :)

In gratitude,
Becca

[superchook]

Hello Becca great to meet you!

My name is Grant.

I am very excited to talk to you, and so grateful you are giving your time to help me. Seriously, thank you so much!

It's been an exciting few weeks, I had a shift in perspective when I started reading (and doing the looking suggested in) liberation unleashed and the gatecrashers book.

Prior to that I have been going through a ton of different non-duality authors that have been picking away at whether thoughts are mine, anything I do is mine, actions are mine.

Before that I learned that presence is still here when thoughts are not so I must be something else in reality. And thinking happens by itself, seeing happens by itself, sensations happen by itself.

Hilariously I am in a job right now that is forcing me to question everything I have ever learned about my doer identity. Life is contriving to teach me something, and it is not very comfortable, but probably necessary. :)

Just as a final piece of context, the Truman show thing I mentioned.

On the 20th April something in me strongly connected these things together after reading the 'Nona' chapter:

* Thoughts just appear, and I don't have any control over them.
* A comment from Sailor Bob Adamson : "You are being lived"
* Actions and their outcomes are not yours and you have no influence over them (something my recent work experience is reinforcing)

And

* Noticing that the same old dramas keep coming up in my thoughts, like a really bad soap opera.
* It's like I am an actor, who is being fed my lines, and everyone is in on it...

And then it hit me. Wait... is this just god or life acting and directing? Who is behind the story? Who is writing this? I sure as hell would never write this.

If it is infinite life directing this, then it would be a piece of cake to make even a feeling / experience of free will be part of the story too, and an experience of limited self, depression, hate, fear, love and million other stories that feel like reality...

Maybe Grant and the story of Grant is just the Truman show, but the director and writer works at cosmic atomic level. And maybe this is all the story of a god / infinite life being a person who doesn't know that they were actually god / infinite life all along.

I laughed a lot. Sure sounds like a great joke.

---

Fast forward to now, that story has loosened a lot, but I realise the remnants of the I virus are still there. The belief in a sad sob story about something being wrong with me has been seriously weakened, and I am keen to look at whatever it takes to end this silly delusion.

I completed steps 1 and 2 from the book.

And with all that context out of the way. I will be a good student and enact your direct instructions.

Thank you! :)

[superchook]

Hi Becca,

Take a look here:
If I declare: There is no separate self at all, never has been, never will be.
What comes up?

The thoughts:

"That means you are nothing and nobody. Uh well that sucks. I wanted to be something. I don't want to be nothing."
"I wanted to be special, to matter."

But then I realise I am seeing in reality:
* I can't control thoughts.
* I don't seem to have free will, actions happen, outcomes happen, I don't seem to have any control over what happens.
* What I really am (whatever that is) still exists when the mind stops and thoughts stop.
* My body and all the senses take care of themself, and there is no middle man. It's like they are streamed in.

I do still feel something like a controller thinker behind my eyes. Thinking, reasoning, deciding, judging, rehearsing. Less verbally (thoughts) these days though.

It's like something is putting on a display of all those things, like I remember my Dad (or other adults) did when they were thinking hard.

I want the search for truth to be over.

Does this still feel alive, or is it a habitual question? Is there anyone in charge of asking it? :)

Yes. It is still active. It's like life is on hold till the answer comes.

I have the expectation that I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt when I am through the gate.

When I look to see if anyone is in charge of asking it. Hmmm. It's kind of like an expectation is there that I should be asking it. When I explore that a kind of tense feeling comes up.

[superchook]

I want the search for truth to be over.

Does this still feel alive, or is it a habitual question? Is there anyone in charge of asking it? :)

I kept pondering this. Yeah... there is something else there.

All the awakening books I read have been telling me that this search will grip you and will not let you go, and you are not in control of it. Maybe that's just another great line in the story of delusion. "You are not there yet" and "you are not in control of this process" are awfully great ways to keep a story going for a long time.

I really have no idea where this comes from. It's another thought, and a fuzzy sensation if I really look.

What the heck should I believe any more.

[superchook]

After some looking today... and pondering what I am looking for from the question...

I felt some feelings, wanting, longing, to have what others have... Liberation. Then went down a rabbit hole of thoughts and past experiences where I always didn't get what others seemed to be getting (spiritual experiences).

And then, I stopped and started looking. Just thoughts and feelings. This I and me thing is always involved. Is it actually there? Not when I look.

And, good grief, it's even there in the question I have been chasing for so long. Who. Am. I?

Well shit, there it is again. Even in the thing I am supposed to ask to get out of this mess.

Kind of hit me that maybe the Cosmic joke is the long and drawn out search for the answer to the question who am I? And the answer is there is no I and never was. It's been a wild goose chase.

Like starting a multi trillion dollar search for Santa at the north pole, but he was never real, just a worldwide story that seems real.

Like Christianity used to be for me until reality undermined it to the point I could no longer believe anymore.

So maybe the answer to the question "is anyone in charge of asking it?" is that a fictional character is on an epic quest to find out whether it is real or not, and the answer was always nope, and the prize for the journey is that everyone realises it was just a really movie all along.

[superchook]

Another thing dawning on me...

The answer to the sacred quest question "who am I?" is an open secret when I think about it.

The answer is "I" does not exist, never has.

But I refused to accept that. Had to go find the answer the hard way.

I just want reality to poke holes into this delusion until it can't be believed any more.

[graceabounds]

Hi Grant!

Great. Few lines of questioning or rabbit holes to browse:

And then it hit me. Wait... is this just god or life acting and directing? Who is behind the story? Who is writing this?

Can this be known? Wouldn’t it only be another thought-fantasy?
Where is the one being directed? Is the controller being replaced by some cosmic oneness in the sky so a ‘you’ can feel better about not having any control?

I do still feel something like a controller thinker behind my eyes.

Tell me more… what is the sensation of this? Where precisely, describe it.

All the awakening books I read

Maybe that's just another great line in the story of delusion

No story of awakening ever matches another story… and it can only be told in pretty words after the fact. Set it down.

And then, I stopped and started looking. Just thoughts and feelings

Perfect, just like that.

It IS a wild goose chase. And if you ever owned a goose you would know, stop, its nonsense.

I just want reality to poke holes into this delusion until it can't be believed any more.

Great, and this smacks of future. Now and now and now and looking is the way to see that there never was anything with holes in it to fix. That too is a fantasy.

-Becca

[superchook]

Hi Becca,

I'll stop going down the rabbit holes. Bit of a habit, quite the overthinker. 😂

Tell me more… what is the sensation of this? Where precisely, describe it.

When I look at something, it's a dull feeling around the upper face, near the eyes. It's also where the sound of thoughts seems to originate from.

The feeling sensation is kinda dull and fuzzy.

It doesn't seem like it is involved in seeing. That is instantaneous.

[graceabounds]

Does sound of thoughts arise in a different place from sound of sound?

Is the dull feeling associated with the ‘I’?

[superchook]

Does sound of thoughts arise in a different place from sound of sound

No. Thoughts and sounds arise in the same place.

Is the dull feeling associated with the ‘I’?

Yes. It seems so. If I try thinking lots of self referencing stuff the feeling seems more noticeable.

[graceabounds]

Great.

Think “I/me/mine” for a few seconds.
Feel the sensation.

Now stop the words.

Without the thought-story, what is that sensation exactly?

Take a look beyond the label “dull”, what is there?

Is it solid or changing?

Does it say “me” on its own?

Does it belong to someone…
or is it just another appearance, like sound?

[superchook]

Hi Becca,

Thank you for your guidance, it's so very helpful and insightful.

Without the thought-story, what is that sensation exactly?

It's just a body sensation. Nothing more. I cross compared it to other body felt sensations while taking the train. It's no different.

Take a look beyond the label “dull”, what is there?

Just a sensation. Nothing more.

Is it solid or changing?

It changes and disappears and reappears. Definitely not solid.

Does it say “me” on its own?

This one made me smile. No... the sensation is dead quiet.

Does it belong to someone…
or is it just another appearance, like sound?

Seems to be around in the same location more consistently than sound, but it's just a sensation.

So no, it doesn't belong to anything unless I label it, associate it with thoughts.

Cool!

[graceabounds]

Hello,

Site was down yesterday. Perhaps you saw my reply beforehand? If not I think this is the core assignment:

For this exercise you will need to sit yourself near a clock that has an audible second hand. If you don’t have a ticking clock, find a video of one on Youtube.

Allow your eyes to close gently.
Listen to the sound. “Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock”
Focus on the tick tock. Attune to the sound itself. IGNORE any explanatory thoughts about what must be creating the sound.

Try to find the clock.

1. Going just by the tick tock sound, do you find a clock present?
2. Is there any direct/actual experience of a clock in the sound?
3. Does the sound come self-labeled as originating from the clock?
4. Do you find a clock hidden in the sound?
5. Do you find a clock beyond the sound?
6. In your direct/actual experience of the sound, do you find any evidence that the sound is caused by a clock?

Allow your eyes to open.
Were you able to establish that in your direct/actual experience of the tick tock sound, that there was a clock?
Were you able to find a division between hearing and sound?
Were you able to establish where hearing ended and sound begin, or was there just pure experience labeled as sound?

For a sound to be ‘known’ then there must be a ‘knowing’ (experience) of sound! Can a dividing line be found between the ‘knowing’ (experience) of the sound and the sound (known) itself? Or is there only ‘knowingknown’?

[superchook]

Hi Becca,

Just letting you know I am taking a little time to play with this. I'll reply tomorrow.

I had no problem finding something for a tick tock noise, my wife inherited her Dad's vintage clock collection and there are 200 clocks in the back room all competing for the loudest clock award. 😂

Thanks you.