Currently transitioning between two worlds

[Paddler]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
I can explain the experience like this.

When the balloon pops, what’s revealed is that you’ve never truly existed. You’re nothing but space/air/awareness. Space/air is nothing, nothing exists and neither do you. What was inside of the balloon has now been absorbed into all that is. Even the witness collapses.

What are you looking for at LU?
I’m looking for someone who’s deeper than I am in this journey. This experience has happened spontaneously. I haven’t known what to expect until I experience the next unfolding. It’s been at times destabilizing.

To date I’ve been to the place of collapsed witness, been to the place before creation, where even time no longer exists. Been to the place where the human experience feels like a joke. However I’m not solidly anchored in any of these states. Sometimes I’m experiencing life in a somewhat regular way, sometimes I have no thoughts at all for extended periods of time. Other times I’m pure awareness with as the witness, other times I’m all that is and nothing, other times I feel like everything’s a joke.

The only thing that seem to be solidly anchored in is the inability to get sucked into drama, emotional turmoil, the need to defend myself or even recognize that I have a fixed self to maintain or defend. That place seems anchored in. In recent weeks it almost feels like I’ve been tested. Put in many situations where things would typically feel emotional and none of them seemed to even touch me. It’s like I’ve just been a neutral witness. It’s almost creepy considering how emotionally charged these specific situations should/could feel.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
Sometimes a new truth will reveal itself and it feels destabilizing. It would be nice to have others who can relate. Even better if they have more experience.

I’m not sure I have any expectations to be honest.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
Last fall I experienced a spontaneous kundalini awakening. From there I followed my intuition and worked on all of the psychological stuff being shown to address. This past months I’ve started meditating. Been practicing self reiki on and off for 10 years.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 10

[graceabounds]

Hello dear,

Welcome to LU. I’m happy to be with you here, in this inquiry. The purpose of this forum is to explore and see through the illusion of a separate self, but let’s give some attention to stabilization as well.

It appears as though a wholesome process has been naturally occurring. Is there any sense of a do-er in this process or in everyday life?

When you say you are in a transition between two worlds, what are these two worlds? Who is transiting? And what are the expectations for arriving at the other world?

Much love,
Becca

[Paddler]

Hello Graceabounds, hope this is replying to you directly, I’m still trying to figure out this website.

Transitioning from one world to another comes from feeling like I’m not operating from the same place as those around me. I’ve noticed through this process (since everything got quiet in the mind) that something will shift and then it feels detached from the human experience. Until it seems like the heart catches up, which is when things begin to feel very connected to those around me. However the deeper things get, the more of a separation I feel when the crown based understanding happens prior to the heart based. Not sure if that makes sense, I use the chakras a lot to orient.

As far as a doer goes, it’s hard to tell. I know I’m doing things, but I don’t know who me is. The other day I was having a conversation and started laughing hysterically every time I referred to myself, didn’t know why. It feels like I’m kind of half way between being the witness and the witness collapsing? Like it’s slowly dissolving?

I really have no expectations. This whole process has mostly felt like tripping over things, and then trying to reorient after. I didn’t know anything about spirituality until last year when this started to happen spontaneously. Which has been a blessing cause I had no preconceived ideas. Projecting ahead feels like a haze and my entire past also feels like a haze. Like it doesn’t belong to me. The whole past being strange has been going on for 6 months.

[graceabounds]

Hello,

Great! Yes, the message got through. Let’s slow some things down a bit and see what is present:

As far as a doer goes, it’s hard to tell. I know I’m doing things, but I don’t know who me is.

1. Place both hands on a table in front of you, palms down.
2. When you have done that, rest for a moment and then raise one hand in the air but not the other.

Don't go to thoughts, examine your direct experience. Do this as many times as you like, and each time inquire:
What is it exactly that is choosing which hand to raise?
Can you find a separate individual or anything that is doing the choosing?
What is it that is controlling the hand?
Can a ‘controller’ of any description be located?
Can anything be found that makes the hand move?
How is the decision made?

It feels like I’m kind of half way between being the witness and the witness collapsing? Like it’s slowly dissolving?

What is the experience of the witness? Where is it? How is it known currently?

Projecting ahead feels like a haze and my entire past also feels like a haze. Like it doesn’t belong to me

Because they are not here. They exist only in thought. :)
Are thoughts that arise yours? Are you the thinker of them?
Are they personal?

The other day I was having a conversation and started laughing hysterically every time I referred to myself, didn’t know why.

‘I’ is fiction. It is a great mirage. A joke even!

Please repeat to yourself a few times “There is no separate self at all, never has been, never will be.” What arises when you do? Thoughts about it? Sensations in the body?

Looking forward to,
Becca

[Paddler]

It feels like things are happening spontaneously with that exercise. There doesn’t seem to be a thought before the action. Also thoughts arise and then they leave. They typically feel neutral and just come and go. Sometimes I’m trying to solve a problem and imagine I’m having a conversation with someone to solve it. That feels like thoughts I’m creating to solve something I’m trying to make sense of. It kind of feels like experiences are passing through my field and I’m witnessing and experiencing them as they wash through. My body almost doesn’t feel like a body, yet I’m not outside of my body like at the beginning. It’s like my field of vision is broader and perception of where I view things from alters. I don’t really know what I is, but I’m functioning as I.

[graceabounds]

Also thoughts arise and then they leave. They typically feel neutral and just come and go. Sometimes I’m trying to solve a problem and imagine I’m having a conversation with someone to solve it. That feels like thoughts I’m creating to solve something I’m trying to make sense of.

Thoughts arise and then leave, yes, so… are you creating them when there is this imaginary dialogue? Do thoughts solve problems (which are also thoughts)? Can thoughts take action?

Here’s an exercise to look more precisely there:

Here is a thought exercise. Sit quietly for about 30 minutes and notice the arising thoughts.
Just let them appear as they appear. Try your best to COMPLETELY ignore what they are saying and just notice how they appear without you doing anything at all.

Where are they coming from and going to?
Did you do anything to make a particular thought or thoughts appear?
Could you have done anything to make a different thought appear at that exact moment instead?
Can you predict your next thought?
Can you select from a range of thoughts to have only pleasant thoughts?
Can you choose not to have painful, negative or fearful thoughts?
Can you pick and choose any kind of thought?
Is it possible to prevent a thought from appearing?

It seems that thought has some logical ordered appearance, but look carefully and just notice if there is an organized sequence? Or is that just another thought that says ‘these thoughts are in sequence’ or “they take content from previous thought”, or that ‘one thought follows another thought’?

It kind of feels like experiences are passing through my field and I’m witnessing and experiencing them as they wash through

Is there a place where the field of experience stops and “you” begin? Or is it seamless, just appearances coming and going in this field, without a center, without an edge, without an owner?

Oh, and here is a quick video that explains how to use the quote function on this forum to reply to these specific questions:
https://youtu.be/QCbZYSvnTpc?si=xkMCFEJMJFIAhGiH

[Paddler]

Thoughts arise and then leave, yes, so… are you creating them when there is this imaginary dialogue? Do thoughts solve problems (which are also thoughts)? Can thoughts take action?

Is a random thought different than a profound epiphany that randomly arrives or arrives due to throwing a thought into the field? It seems I can receive information that I shouldn’t know at times. Almost as if I’m going through a tunnel of information. It’s different than regular thoughts.

Is there a place where the field of experience stops and “you” begin? Or is it seamless, just appearances coming and going in this field, without a center, without an edge, without an owner?

Is it possible this process began to integrate recently when I was able to sit in pure awareness while randomly being aware of the breath at the same time? Prior to that being in pure awareness meant not being aware of the body. As if they were two separate entities. Being aware of the breath in the same way as everything else in the field of awareness was recognition that they aren’t. It felt unified.

[graceabounds]

It seems I can receive information that I shouldn’t know at times.

If there isn't an 'I' in the center of it then yes, there is knowing. It is as if it almost appears in the body and is known.

Is it possible this process began to integrate recently when I was able to sit in pure awareness while randomly being aware of the breath at the same time? Prior to that being in pure awareness meant not being aware of the body. As if they were two separate entities. Being aware of the breath in the same way as everything else in the field of awareness was recognition that they aren’t. It felt unified.

Perhaps. Who is doing the breathing?

Let me know what is found when you do the thought exercise...

[Paddler]

If there isn't an 'I' in the center of it then yes, there is knowing. It is as if it almost appears in the body and is known.

It feels like I’m getting information in a second the defies any normal thought. Like in a second a lifetimes worth of understanding lands.

Perhaps. Who is doing the breathing?

It’s as if the breath is no different than anything else in the field of awareness. The breath is the same as the rest, nobody is breathing.

[graceabounds]

Like in a second a lifetimes worth of understanding lands.

Yes. Is there any stickiness in that? Any specialness or ownership? A need to understand how it all works? Or is it just what is?

It’s as if the breath is no different than anything else in the field of awareness. The breath is the same as the rest, nobody is breathing.

Yes. That’s it. Don’t let the mind make this into something mystical or profound, let it be obvious, almost disappointing in its simplicity.

Is there anything at all that is not just “happening”spontaneously, naturally, like weather moving through the sky? Is there anything, anything, that requires a doer, a witness, an owner? Or is that just a habit of thinking, an extra layer that isn’t actually present?

Look at the very sense of “awareness.” Can you find it, separate from what appears? Is there a space, an observer, or is there just pure appearing, with no center?

[Paddler]

Yes. Is there any stickiness in that? Any specialness or ownership? A need to understand how it all works? Or is it just what is?

Sometimes the analytical mind gets caught up after.

Is there anything at all that is not just “happening”spontaneously, naturally, like weather moving through the sky? Is there anything, anything, that requires a doer, a witness, an owner? Or is that just a habit of thinking, an extra layer that isn’t actually present?

Look at the very sense of “awareness.” Can you find it, separate from what appears? Is there a space, an observer, or is there just pure appearing, with no center?

This is a question I’ll have let simmer in order to get a better sense of.

Thank you so much 🙏

[graceabounds]

This is a question I’ll have let simmer in order to get a better sense of.

Great! Take a look. :)