Requesting a guide

[badfishtoo]

LU is focused guiding for seeing there is no real, inherent 'self' - what do you understand by this?
It seems like “seeing” isn’t quite enough for me to drop the belief in the “self”. I’ve had plenty of experiences now of not finding it, but the sense of being the doer strongly persists. The constant sense of being a chooser of choices is exhausting, and sometimes overwhelming.

What are you looking for at LU?
I’m looking for guidance from this community in perhaps pointing me at this from a different direction. Helping me go from just the conceptual understanding to something deeper. I want to be free of doubt and this constant sense of something missing.

What do you expect from a guided conversation?
Being led through exercises and having someone to share my experience with and get helpful feedback. I suppose part of me is avoiding doing them on my own because I worry that I’m doing it wrong. I imagine it’ll be easier for me to follow a more guided path and to be able to check out what’s happening with someone I can trust.

What is your experience in terms of spiritual practices, seeking and inquiry?
I’ve been on some sort of spiritual path for many years. Started with the intro to meditation via Sam Harris’ Waking Up app in which he guided me directly to the experience of turning attention on itself, noticing the illusions of the “self”, etc. I’ve kept up my interest in non-duality since, following various teachers and teachings, doing inner work, psychedelic work and so on, but I keep feeling like I’m dancing on the edge of something, but not actually crossing over. The sense of being a self, brought to more awareness, has become more stifling and in a way, I feel like I suffer even more than before.

On a scale from 1 to 10, how willing are you to question any currently held beliefs about 'self? 11

[Lubo]

Hi there,
Welcome to the forum!
My name is Lubo, and I can be your guide, if that's okay with you?



We are investigating what is here.
The easiest way is to share your current experience, how do you feel now?
Let's start from here.

The name of the forum is Liberation Unleashed.
What is not liberated at your own Direct experience?

So much love,
Lubo

[badfishtoo]

Hi Lubo, thanks for being my guide!

How do I feel now?

I feel stressed. There are too many threads in my life and I feel like I'm not giving any of them their due attention. Then blame myself for not getting the results. Spirituality and meditation are just one of them. My practice is very inconsistent and unfocused. Then I say this is why there's no progress...

What is not liberated at your own Direct experience?

I've had many glimpses and have been exposed to enough teaching at this point to sense some sort of bypass answer coming. Like, "oh 'I'm not free' is just a thought".

But what I can say is that there's a lot of suffering - a lot of wishing things were different than they are. A strong sense of being an important chooser of choices, one who's made many bad choices in the past and is now constantly tasked with the grave responsibility for making the right ones today. Constant busyness, drive for achievement, and all that to try and make my life into what it "should" be like. A pervasive sense of discomfort and frankly, exhaustion from trying to exert all this effort to control.

[Lubo]

I hear you. I'm here with you.
You are not alone!

Look here:

"oh 'I'm not free' is just a thought".

YES!

one who's made many bad choices in the past and is now constantly tasked with the grave responsibility for making the right ones today

This is also a thought, can you see that?
Thoughts can make a heaven or a hell. Notice how the experience changes when you rephrase this as:
"one who has made many choices and is now constantly enjoying making new choices."
How does it feel?

What wisdom you see with that?

Now your homework is to change the words of this thought-generated statement to an excited one:

A pervasive sense of discomfort and frankly, exhaustion from trying to exert all this effort to control.

Change all words - for example "to control" with "to enjoy"
What the whole statement looks like now?

How the picture and experience is changing?

What is the wisdom that you discover for you here?

So much Love,
Lubo

[badfishtoo]

How does it feel?

Awkward, uncomfortable. Like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

What wisdom you see with that?

I mean, I get that the meaning is arbitrary. Somehow the old story feels... safer to believe, even though it's unpleasant.

If that's the wisdom, it doesn't seem to make any difference.

[Lubo]

OK. Let's do the real work with this:

Somehow the old story feels... safer to believe, even though it's unpleasant.

The Character's Role
What is the story about you?
Notice your role in it. Are you a happy character, or something else?

The Narrative
What does your character's internal monologue sound like?
How do other people behave toward this character?

The Deeper Question
What keeps you in this story? What makes you keep feeling all of this?

What is the hidden desire that, once you see it, makes you free?

Work slowly with desire to free yourself.
Answer each question with curiosity, because you are investigating the most precious thing in the Universe.

So much Love,
Lubo

[badfishtoo]

What is the story about you?

It’s the story of a guy who’s never found comfort in this world. A man who’s somehow functioned this far, who can be happy, joyful, loving - but yet, in a quiet space, beneath the surface, feels doubt and fear about it all. He fears that it’s all on the verge of collapse, just barely hanging on by a thread, and when it does collapse, he’ll be overwhelmed and found out for the imposter that he is. Unable to handle life. Incompetent and useless.

What does your character’s internal monologue sound like?

A lot of inner critic. Trying to stave off future shame by shaming now. Then the dialogue turns to solutions. How can I distract myself by taking on new projects, any new achievement that can prove, finally, and beyond doubt, my ability to function well, to be successful, to be worthy, to be appreciated by myself and by others.

How do other people behave toward this character?

Mostly really well. Others see this character as competent and successful. He is treated mostly pretty well.

What keeps you in this story? What makes you keep feeling all of this

I don’t know. Familiarity, I suppose. I wake up and familiar thoughts rush in. I remember who I am and start moving forward through the day as this character, with his needs, wants and desires. I don’t know any other story, and it somehow feels necessary to have one.

What is the hidden desire that, once you see it, makes you free?

To feel unconditionally loved. I know that I can fulfill it for myself, and I’ve been working on that and making good progress. But the deep story is still very much there.

[Lubo]

To feel unconditionally loved. I know that I can fulfill it for myself

Yes. You are Love itself. How does it feel for this story that you need love to fall away?

Notice that we give our power to this story to achieve something that we already are.

I wake up and familiar thoughts rush in. I remember who I am and start moving forward through the day as this characte

You are here to find that you are not this character. ;)

I don’t know any other story, and it somehow feels necessary to have one.

Yes, you are here to find that this is a lie. There is no such necessity; this is a joke. Laugh at that now. How do you feel?

with his needs, wants and desires

BIG YES! Your desires are beautiful. Your needs are authentic. Your wants are coming from your eroticism; they are nature, the expression of the infinite potential we are.

A lot of inner critic. Trying to stave off future shame by shaming now

YES. Shame is the only thing we feel we should suppress.

I want to invite you to look right now: How does it feel to know that we are a vast, powerful space, the Absolute, and right now our experience is shame? Look at it as a beautiful experience of being alive, and only here can we feel this juicy, erotic experience of "shame."

We can freely enjoy our shame. There is no one else to judge us for what our experience is. There is no cause and effect, no need to do anything but to enjoy it fully. We can't fix ourselves—we are what we already are. Only alive experiences are passing through us.

How do you feel about that?

[badfishtoo]

How do you feel about that?

Sure, I can have an experience of what you describe - relaxing and letting go of the thought and the tension - feeling myself as the "vast, powerful space". It's familiar. But it's temporary and it doesn't last. The next thought is "so what" and I'm back to dealing with important and urgent problems. Yes, sure all of that is just "passing through" the same space - this is not a deep insight to me, nor does it relieve any suffering.

[Lubo]

I hear you.

sure all of that is just "passing through" the same space - this is not a deep insight to me, nor does it relieve any suffering.

Look here: Is there persona in any shape or form that creates this stories? Notice that the story is to not happen bad experiences or that there is a persona?
Notice the difference between an experience and a persona.

Try removing the "I" from your thoughts and notice what exactly the thoughts are speaking for?

Love,
Lubo

[badfishtoo]

Hey I appreciate your help, but I don’t think this line of inquiry works for me. This is just more thoughts.

[Lubo]

I don’t think this line of inquiry works for me.

This is your inquiry, your line. I am a mirror here.

Be absolutely honest with yourself. Stop this wild seeking for a while.

What exactly are you looking for?

There is no persona to begin with. What are you seeking now?

This is just more thoughts.

Yes, Santa and no Santa are just thoughts. There was never a real question.

What would you say to someone who has the idea that Santa exists, and asks you how to drop this belief?
How to escape from Santa?

To escape from suffering requires suffering in the first place.

But where is the suffering?

How can you escape from something that doesn't exist at all? The escape is an illusion. There is no suffering, so where is there to run now?

Again :
What exactly are you looking for?
Your inquiry, your line. Go ahead. I am here with you. I am holding the mirror for you.

So much Love,
Lubo

[badfishtoo]

I've asked these questions for many years. I am not new to this line of inquiry. It goes nowhere for me, it's just more mental masturbation. Sure, I can have very open experiences where the suffering ceases temporarily, there is non-dual insight, etc. Nonetheless, all of that has always been temporary and the suffering is still quite apparently here. Dismissing it just creates more suffering.

[Lubo]

Ok. I hear you. Let's shift the focus.

We will address suffering later on; let's first clear the surrounding space.

You share that you have non-dual experience. What is all this around you? Simply look, don't go into thoughts: what do you realize?

What are the bodies, the animals, and the trees?

Is life—the bodies, animals, trees, and flowers—a someone?

Notice your body: Is the body aware that it is here in this exact shape and color? Is the body aware of emotions? Is the body aware that it is in the room? Are the eyes aware that they are in the room?
Simply look.

What is that which is not the visual field, is not the body, and can't be seen, heard, touched, tasted, or smelled?

Share in your own simple words. Don't go to what you have learned or read from someone else.

Imagine hearing many explanations about Paris, and now you are actually in Paris. Share what it is like to be in Paris!

Share what it is to realize non-duality?




So much Love to you,
Lubo

[badfishtoo]

What is all this around you? Simply look, don't go into thoughts: what do you realize?

I don't know what it is. Whatever it is, I can't really describe it. Words are only useful for describing something practical or coordinating with people, but they can't describe what all this is.

I think you are asking about awareness. There are the contents of it and there's the awareness itself. Which is itself an arbitrary, non-existent distinction. Awareness is this is sense of "being" it - this seamless and endless "all", which paradoxically contains even the thought of itself. It's absurd to attempt to describe.

I had another 5-MEO-DMT journey recently, and all this was very clear, though of course it can't be described. But I cried and I laughed at the absurdity of the thought "I am separate" taking itself seriously. I felt myself as both the leaf (apparently separate) and as the lead+tree (not separate), a strange paradox. I saw that the root of it all is love - consciousness simply loving itself through all the infinite manifestations of form. There is no foundation, no ground, all apparently manifests itself spontaneously out of nothing, but it sure is very convincing.

And then I forget and fully identify with the thoughts. Mostly the thoughts of "not enough". Putting attention on all the stuff that's missing in my life and feeling that lack as a consequence of my choices, then fear and worry about the future. Always coming back into the chooser of choices where everything is so important and serious.