You say to look, but how? I feel like I am looking. What is this, who is experiencing this, who am I, what is Mu? Who is on this journey, etc, etc,etc....this preoccupation of my whole life, in and out of monasteries, temples, jungle huts etc...always asking these same questions.What is this indescribable “I” that has this abilitiy – to identify with thoughts? What is outside of thoughts and does that? LOOK
I just don't know how to look. I'm sorry. It should be easy to see the truth, but my mind is playing tricks on me. But thank you for pushing me to look a little bit harder, although I'm sure that doesn't really describe it either, effortless effort and all that.
I haven't found any permanent me either, but also never experiences the sense of "seeing no-self" that seems to be a pretty universal sentiment among people who have finished this kind of inquiry.Is there anything else, but thoughts, that sees/identifies with the “sense of me” and it is “not me”?
Please describe it. You say calling it “awareness” is too much, what else can you call it? Is it indesribable like the "self"? Is it then just an abstraction? Just because that the thoughts are known does that mean there is a knower of any kind? Are there “unknown” thoughts? Do you see how ridiculous language is?[/quote]
Once it is described, labelled, categorized, it loses it's immediacy and becomes a museum specimen. Yes language has been seen to be ridiculous but useful for practical things, and an interesting folly for speculation.
Sometimes it seems like there is no inside or outside, no me-not-me. Other times it seems like a pretty solid sense of me, if only in thoughts.Does it seem as though there is something of a partition to experience, by which there is a “me” portion and a “not me” portion?
Does it feel as though you take a subtle step back from experience, into your portion? Does there seem to be both an inner and an outer aspect to experience?
Not so much taking a step back as existing separately as a person, alienated from life.
Does it feel like you are awareness, consciousness, one with everything, or presence?
Sometimes it seems so clear, not sure what the right answer is, but it isn't just one thing happening most of the time.
Is there a subtle sense of comfort, stability or reliability in affirming your existence? Now, close your eyes and allow all thoughts and images to again fade. What happens to the sense of “I” or “me”? What happens to the sense of there being an inner and outer aspect to experience?[/quote]
Yes it is very comforting and it is the only real thing, this sense of self that persists. Losing it seems like an irreconcilable loss.
It has taken me a while to look at this. It seems to be the story for this imagined person, that of skimming the surface, being non-serious and a dilletante. I am trying to look deeper and get out of denial. But I don't want to take too long so I wil l submit this for now. Thank you for putting up with my poor attempts.These questions are very deep and you just skimmed over them with knowledge (not looking). Please LOOK with them again, give them a proper chance! I hope I see some serious looking!
Love
Peter


