Help needed

[annarodriguez]

Yesterday night when I was laying in my bed. I asked what was more true for me:
1. There is a person laying in the bed.
2. There is laying.

2. Felt more true.
I could feel the matras, could feel the warmth but no Anna to claim those feelings and the feeling at that moment was that if I would look into that longer, I would see that there is no seperate entity called Anna.
I could sense emptiness. I was afraid. And I backed down, at least that's how it felt.

I've noticed that it's easier with looking into if anything seperate is experiencing the senses. It's easier to see, that they are just there.
However thoughts and feelings linked to those thoughts are so much more intimate.

I read your post. I get it, intellectualy

[Nick]

ok so just try to "see" the thoughts and feelings in the same way. See the fear. Try to bring it up and let it become overwhelming. There's no real danger. The fear will tell a story, just listen. you don't have to believe it.

what's the difference between the "physical" sensations and the thoughts and feelings?

[annarodriguez]

what's the difference between the "physical" sensations and the thoughts and feelings?

I guess there are no differences, are there. They are all experience. Thoughts, feelings, senses.
Whatever thought comes after a feeling or the other way around, they are experienced.
Whatever thought or feeling comes after a physical sense , it's experience.
Whatever physical sense comes after a thought or a feeling, it's experience.
And, for that matter, a feeling like fear is experienced as a physical happening right?
Most of our feelings, we have given names, like sadness, happiness and so forth, but they are recognised through bodily perception right?

The fear was not happening today. It's like when I'm ready to be overwhelmed, it won't show :)

[Nick]

is there a YOU experiencing all these things?

[annarodriguez]

No there is not. When experiences are 'chopped' into pieces and 'investigated' one by one, there is not an Anna that is doing the experiencing. However, when I stop focussing on those experiences and this body/mind resumes it's normal automatic activities the belief that there is a seperate me is included. The belief has not dropped. The illusion of me has not really been seen through.
It can't be dropped. And it's not until it is right?
And I know that it doesn't matter from 'the other side's' point of view, but for this body/mind it obviously matters or else I wouldn't be seeking, I guess. :)

[annarodriguez]

But I know I have to watch out for reacting on automatic pilot, when answering your questions. And keep looking with fresh 'eyes' each time. Im writing this to myself more then to you actually.

Are you prepared to keep asking me questions infinitively (is that a word?)
Or would you be like: "Anna, sweetheart, this isn't going anywhere" at some point.

[Nick]

In regards to your first post: we at LU talk about a "Gateless Gate"? What does that mean to you?

[annarodriguez]

I guess that means that nothing moves. That there is less. That it is seen that there is less then what was thought before? You can't enter, cause it's what you are?

This what I'm looking for must be so simple, it must be. There's just thought making stories. Trying to make things complicated.

[annarodriguez]

This is another question, it maybe is not for here, cause this is supposed to be about direct experience right, but I was just wondering.

Since there is nobody making choices, deciding things, does that mean that life is polluting, raping, rescueing, loving, killing, eating itself?

[annarodriguez]

This morning I asked myself 'who' had awoken. Not sure. I was distracted in no time.

[annarodriguez]

I don't know what to write. It is seen that everything is just thought. It does not matter what I write.
I could tell stories forever.
Thought is investigating thought, so nothing I can do. There is no you, there is no you, that's what I thought, without believing the thought. Then no Hanne Leen, cause that's my real name. Or what this is called.
At this moment a lot of feelings are coming up. A lot of I thoughts. No thing for them to hang on to.
But still in the background uncertainty. And thought keeps asking: have you really seen this?
This is now.

[annarodriguez]

Just keeping you and me updated.

What happened this morning is now a memory of course.
That clear seeing was veiled again not long after above was written down.
The rest of the day there was looking for what happened there. With sometimes realizing that it does not matter NOW.
I've seen, or rather there was an experience without a me sense in it. It was empty and again, bleak.
So I watched thoughts the rest of the day, sometimes totally identifying with them. Sometimes seeing they're just words.

[Nick]

great, anna

this cool experience is in the past, a memory. right now seems "different" but only because of the STORY you're telling, thoughts comparing "what appears now" to the memory of "what appeared before". just stop focusing on what it is that appears, and take a gentle look at WHERE it is appearing. stop focusing on what's different and notice what is the SAME.

:)

[annarodriguez]

notice what is the SAME.

Experiencing is the same. Always experiencing. Which gave a funny feeling once again. All this time experiencing but never noticing it that way.
It is what is always here. Still stays a thought thing though, as though not fully seen.
It feels as if there is still a difference between what's been experienced and 'the thing' (what isn't a thing of course) that's experiencing. They are seperated, or rather they are felt seperated here. And when I write this down now, I see that it was still like that on that sunday morning. It was clearly 'seen' that there was no persona there that was doing the thinking, but it felt distant, seperated. Maybe that's why it felt so bleak and sterile almost.

What's seeking? Life seeking life itself?

[Nick]

What are you expecting "it" to feel like? Does some blissful event have to happen? What if it doesn't?

LOOK. Use your eyeballs and look around the room. You feel a separation but can you find it? Where's this barrier line that separates you from the outside world? Anything other than a thought?