...But I’m not yes awake

[Tleela31]

It's actually not bad here. I have been in California for five years and I still can't get used to the people who wear winter coats when it's still seems warm here to me lol.

[Tleela31]

So I think so,me blocks were removed. Being stressed out and snapping at everyone doesn't actually mean I'm being a good mother. I was horrified a bit ago at the thought of being...more of a neutral observer I guess, but mainly because of the huge sense of relief it gave me. My mind told me that it was equal to being completely apathetic. Among other 'blocks'.
Today I actually felt...separate. I mean from my body. It was a thing, like my bed and the desk etc. And I actually felt or saw but not visually that I am actually no part of my body. I am ok everything I've heard a million times but somehow did not mean what it very obviously means. Whatever I thought I felt before wasn't quite this. Things shifted but not to this level. I also just had a weird thought as my body as my shelter (space suit seems closer now) during some rustic (vs luxury) retreat that decided to go in for some inexplicable reason, away from something and) or somewhere or for some reason that I'm not quite remembering. Which I guess is redundant as that's what inexplicable means. But I still feel like...ugh ok these are just thoughts. From a freaking out mind...that I'm going to forget this or lose it. So how's your weather?

[Tleela31]

Go on* not in. The retreat.

[ty0]

Weather here's hot and humid year round, I live in the tropics. Just got back from Taiwan, nice and cool like California should be right now.

Yes, you are no part of "your body". If you cut off an arm, it's not as if a part of "you" is gone now, is it? Are you your mind then? If you hit your head and lost your memories of a certain week in the past, would you be any less "you" than you are now? What about your senses? If your eyes were cut out and you lost your sight, would you be 80% of what "you" were before, having lost 1 of your 5 senses?

What if all 5 senses were taken away and you only had thought? Would you still be there? What if thought was taken away too? What would be left? Would "you" be left? If your body is your spacesuit, are you hiding in there somewhere? Where are you?

[Tleela31]

That sounds nice. I am from snow, and though I can't really afford it here, I just can't make myself move back. I took my daughter camping a couple weeks ago, and though we got pretty wet and had racoons tear open my tent and steal my purse and some dog food while we were sleeping, it was still very worth it. Camping in a redwood forest, next to a river, a few minutes walk to the ocean was pretty amazing. Though why my dog just watched all of that happen without making a sound (until he apparently followed them out through the rip and couldn't figure out how to get back in), I do not understand.

Anyway, thank you, as soon as I wrote that yesterday, I got up to leave, and just couldn't 'feel' anything any more. I couldn't feel anything besides just me as a body. And that and the idea of 'not being able to unsee once you've seen' kept bugging me because I knew I saw, and when I tried to tell myself my mind was just telling me I couldn't, the next thought was that just because I know my mind is telling me I didn't see anything doesn't mean I actually did. Which of course was another thought. Anyway so many hours later when I could finally block out all of the stuff, kids, job hunt, 'thoughts' and hoped to...reflect I guess, to be in a state beyond thoughts, and hopefully, though its a huge effort, which mainly consists of the effort to make sure I'm making no effort at all, which is..tricky..mand maybe my version of a paradox lol I feel like once in a great while I can manage a state where I can just ask and know things. This is kind of rare. Anyway, so that and going over things I've read, one of the things being pretty much exactly what you just wrote helped a lot, and mainly I realized that yes, I have seen, I saw, felt, knew, whatever word, I do not know what word fits that I am not the body that was sitting there. And though I started doubting the previous time, it was 'real' also, though not quite as...clear or something, but I did.

And I understood that it's somewhat tenuous right now, or feels that way, I know what I think or feel doesnt' actually change what I am but even if thoughts are stronger at some moments, I still know. And I'm still separate. and that it will become easier to..I dont' know any more words, just let thoughts be thoughts with out so much affect from them. It can't be the same as it might be if I could just be on my own all day meditating or just not having to be the mom and job seeker and whatever, and though this is more of my mind trying to come to terms with things probably than anything else, and I'm also trying to make sure I'm not limiting myself with this kind of thinking, it doesn't seem like after having many brief glimpses over the years, that it could just be a suddenly and overwhelmingly life changing experience, which I didn't expect at all, but I probably did have expectations of it 'sticking' better. (I realized I have heard 'sticking' used in this general context but I don't think I'm using it in quite the same way? Or maybe I am.) Anyway I don't really know what um...I am just writing things here when...I dont' know. Something new happens? I was really feeling like I prematurely...this drives me nuts trying to put word things and they just aren't there... prematurely claimed to have 'seen' anything, the truth, whatever. Until yesterday, and then last night, and having things clearer, and it's more about what I know and see in the moment and thoughts about what happened before can only be thoughts, anyway it just all feels more cohesive now, and 'real' and how it is supposed to be for me.
Ok I realized also I've probably mostly been trying to ask but not to actually ask if I'm doing this right, because what doers that mean? Maybe that's why I end up rambling forever instead. But ok how about as far as here, this forum or thread? Or maybe not if I'm doing things right, like that there's some specific way to do...anything..but maybe where do I go from here? thanks!

[ty0]

You sound like you're doing great, and wondering about what you could be doing better is just another obstacle.

Don't chase that "space beyond thought", it's a memory. Chasing whatever memory you have is not happening in the senses, it's another wild goose chase in thought.

At all times, it is available for you to look. Close your eyes and look at the patterns behind your eyelids. Breathe into your belly and feel that sensation. Listen to the ambience. These are the senses that are here withought thought.