Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?
No. I mean it feels like there is, but when looking for it in direct experience I cannot find it. Anything that I attend to, whether it is my typing this on my phone or the sensation of my fingers touching the screen or my attention switching to other stuff randomly, there is no doer, no self that is doing it it just happens.
But the sensation of there being a self is very much intact. It's similar to any other feeling > a sensation plus a label. The sensation is mostly different sources of tensing in my body. The thought is something like "here is something compact to hold on to, that's it, no need to investigate further"
There has never been a doer. Things bumping into each other and then there's a thought taking responsibility for it after the fact. But it happens very quickly.
2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?
I feel this question is kind of like a rambling corner, so I'm just letting out what comes up, right?
Why is this feeling of selfing and what does it do for me? And what about the whole idea of separateness that is built on top of that, layers and layers. If all of that collapses what is then there still? I'm not scared of it, I'm curious because it's so so vast that i cannot or let's say i do not want to start even thinking about it. There is no point. I want to experience it falling apart. If I take a peek beyond the sense of inadequacy that pervades my life, this immediacy is something that has been with me my whole life and has been eluding me my whole life. I love that you mentioned the heart and the body last time, that it will end by activating the realisation there and not only in the thoughts. That gave me a lot of hope and relaxation. Things are moving on their own. I don't need to try so hard. I can relax and trust more in areas where i didn't even notice i was not trusting before. There is a sense of "mystical" that is only a top layer of I have to be careful now, smells similar to my parents using their intellect to shut me up or make fun of me as a kid. I don't need that.
I have been living inside my head for so much of my life, escaping from pain and rejection and bullying. Dissociation felt always safe. But I cut myself off from direct experience by attending only the thoughts and denying the pain. And I've been trying to get back now longer than I've been in it, but I've been really far gone after highschool. Like standing 5meters behind my body planning out conversations like a chess game: always 8 moves ahead.
What is the meaning of this. That i have some sense of homeness within my thoughts. And my sense of person. Even though it's not a pleasant way to experience life because it's so compressed and small. Ok these are all just thoughts. And now the sense of why am I even trying to express this. Does it matter? Can I do it? Is it possible? Are all potential prerequisites dealt with for this shift to happen?
I know that this is not up to me. I have been following the flows that have been pushing me around and giving me tasks to do and things to learn for the last six years. I have done none of the things. I have detached from ideas of what my life should be like. All the thoughts of "well if this would be true then i would be happy/content/..." I have seen through them long ago and let go of achieving and instead following the resonance of what is presented to me in each moment. There is aloneness, but this is from a lack of trust and deep uncertainty of what i should be doing. And I have gotten much more in touch with my body. I like most of the times it's a dialogue with what my heart resonates with and what my mind deems reasonable. It's more and more like a partnership instead of a dictatorship. So on the small level i am getting there. On the micro level there is still lot of ambition and pressure to force and to do things with force. Using fear or more like some form of tension to follow the thought patterns of what i think I should be doing.
Most of these "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" pretend to come from outside. Hiding behind other people. But I'm noticing faster now that they are not outside me at all. And I'm starting to connect with them and be more friends. But the underlying pattern is still going. There is still a lot of momentum from the decades of relying on this fear based energy to achieve anything.
That's so strange this scam of "i am doing it" > "but i shouldn't be doing it" > "but i don't know how not to do it" > hopelessness, helpnessness, more pressure. Blabla. It's a spiral.
