Where am I?

[You]

P.S. I have also sent a complementary email.

[graceabounds]

Beautiful.

extreme self consciousness could have produced the feeling of being a separate self much earlier in life than is normal?

Notice the mechanism searching for a new hook… circling the same drain of the belief that there is something wrong with ‘me’.

The past to be different: to have been told, back then, that everything was ok with me, and to have received whatever help would have been necessary for me to see and feel that. And yes: love and compassion, even if I didn’t know what that was back then [feeling of bitterness arising].

The longing for the past to be different—see it for what it is. A ghost chasing itself. It cannot be any different except in thoughts. Look to direct experience. That moment is gone, unreachable, except as a flickering image arising now!

That list of wants. Can you sit with each impulse as pure energy? The urge to hide—where does it live in the body? The anger—does it have a shape, a temperature? The desire to be free—who is bound?

Sit. Feel. Let it all be exactly as it is, without touching it. Watch what remains when no one is broken and no one is trying to fix it.

[You]

Wow. This just happened. I had already read you response, and sat now down alone to read it again, to do the exercises and maybe already respond. Log of the past 40 minutes:

Visualizing the little girl here, next to me, not in the past
Hey, you’re here!
Smiling
I’m so proud of you
Wave of energy flowing through the body
Bigger smile, feeling of compliance with this little girl
Seeing her no longer as a victim, but as a wonderful, strong and playful being with a lot of potential
Bigger smile
Feeling of compliance: let’s live together, play together, be free together
Feeling like having found an old friend again after a long time
Happy to see her here, in safety
She tells me her story, it’s a story, it’s over.
I see her suffering, I see it from the inside, but like someone being in a museum and looking at ugly pictures that show suffering and provoke compassion in me, but knowing: That I’m the only one inside this museum, the only one who can see these pictures, doesn’t mean that they are me.
Heart pounding
Smile
Visualizing that girl next to me, loving her, admiring her
Big smile
Hearing and seeing the wind moving the trees outside the window. Thought: that’s not DE mode, these are labels, but to hell with it: It’s beautiful!!!
Joy, smile
Deep breath
Heart pounding
Memory of my brother arising, who had so often said: “I admire you!” and that, after he died, I knew: Now I have to tell that to myself.
Tears. Seeing the connection to admiring that little girl. Thankfulness that he had shown me how to do that.
Heart pounding.
Visualizing the girl again, here, not in the past.
Smile.
Bigger smile.
Holding her, knowing that she is safe now. She is not stuck in the past, all alone, but right here.
Smile
Relaxation of the shoulders
Heart pounding
Visual field
Heart pounding
Smile
Feeling the pulse in the whole body
Thought of asking Becca if I should still do the exercise with the feeling the energy of every want
Big smile
Heart pounding.




Have to work now. Leave this here before I go.

[You]

Back. Whoa. Had a class to teach. Had been a little worried if I would be able to concentrate, “keep it together”. But no problem at all, quite the opposite: was more present, more spontaneous and more creative than normally.

[graceabounds]

Beautiful.
Allow. Be. Explore more in this way as/if you are moved.

Hearing and seeing the wind moving the trees outside the window. Thought: that’s not DE mode, these are labels, but to hell with it: It’s beautiful!!!

DE mode can still contain labels that arise as a commentary on the experience. Losing this isn’t the goal.

The wind moves the trees. The eyes register movement. The mind says “beautiful.” But what happens before the mind speaks?

Is there even a “you” there in that moment? Or just the wind, the trees, sensations in the body, and all this here now?

Had been a little worried if I would be able to concentrate, “keep it together”. But no problem at all, quite the opposite: was more present, more spontaneous and more creative than normally.

It has always operated without a do-er.
:)

[You]

Allow. Be. Explore more in this way as/if you are moved.

I did that. Log of the last hour:

big smile
Warmth welling into hands
Smile
Listening
Hands getting even warmer
Torso getting warm
Deep breath
Listening
Visualizing little girl next to me, big smile
Heart pounding
Noticing cold in the feet
Smile.
Thought: Let’ answer a question:

The wind moves the trees. The eyes register movement. The mind says “beautiful.” But what happens before the mind speaks?

Before that, there is direct experience. And when … [heart pounding] … the mind applies a label and this is seen consciously, then the presence of the label is also direct experience.

smile
Listening
Energy flowing down the body
Deep breath
Listening
Thought of the girl
Smile, warm hands
Heart pounding
Memory of other questions. Thought: Let’s answer one

What happens when there’s nothing left to protect? Who are you then?

[heart pounding - waiting - listening] Not who. What? … Some kind of flow. Presence. [heart pounding]

heart pounding, warm hands
Thought of that little girl arising
Smile, love
Bigger smile
Noticing sounds
Heart pounding, thought: what would happen if I went outside later? Is it still raining?
Thought: looking while logging and logging while looking seems to “work” so well, but can keep this state alive when walking outside?
Drifting into thoughts
Bringing back the girl into visualization
Smile
Bigger smile
Heart pounding
Sensing hands on mattress
Trying to experience the sensation without the labels ->
Feeling as if body is sinking downwards and some kind of energy moving
Heartbeat getting faster, pulse in entire body
Hearing the rain
Sensing a pain in the body, fear (health anxiety) arising, selfing, snapping out of this state of presence
Thought: is there the next barrier I need to break through?
Deep breath
Heart pounding
Sensation of fear in the body
Heart pounding
Sweaty hands
Rain, smile
Heart pounding

[graceabounds]

snapping out of this state of presence

Who or what is snapping out of it?

Presence isn’t a state—it’s just what is. But the mind, like an old habit, kicks back in and says, “Oh no, I lost it!” Lost what? The wind still moves. The eyes still see. The body still breathes.

What actually happened? Was presence ever gone, or did a thought just claim ownership of it, then claim it was lost?

Look now—right now—what is missing?

[You]

Nothing. (And I don’t know why.)

or did a thought just claim ownership of it, then claim it was lost?

That. A thought dominated the scene so much that it obscured everything else and so it seemed that presence was lost.

[graceabounds]

Is there I?

[You]

In that moment yesterday it seemed like that. There was this thought tangle of worries coming to the surface which caused the feeling of being threatened. But even if the body is really in “danger”, it’s the body, not an “I”. Also: I even remember the thought processes that led to the choice of words “selfing” and “state of presence”. It was all just causes and conditions. No “I” running the show.

Is there I right now? There is a resistance arising to just bluntly answer “No.” This resistance is fed by the old concern of “deceiving myself”. Causes and conditions. And: who can be deceived if there is no self? A few lines above, there is the sentence “I even remember”… but “I” don’t remember. What really happens is just: yesterday’s thought processes are still present in consciousness in form of a memory. That’s all.

[graceabounds]

Yes. That’s it. The hesitation, the resistance, the fear of self-deception—it’s just another arising. Another movement of thought. But who is there to be deceived?

Notice how the mind keeps circling back, trying to find solid ground. It won’t find any! It’s like a hand trying to grasp empty space.

Even “I remember” is just language. Memory happens. Thoughts appear. But is there a thinker? Can you find one? Or is it just another assumption, another habit of speech?

Let the next thought come. Watch it arrive. Did “you” create it? Look closely.

[You]

No, that next thought was also just conditioned by the circumstances.

[graceabounds]

Exactly. No thinker. No owner. Just thoughts appearing, conditioned by everything before.

Now, without a thinker, without an owner—what is left? What remains when the illusion of control and authorship drops?

Look now. Is anything missing? Is anything actually wrong? Or is this just another thought saying so?

[You]

[Having to work now. Will finish reading after and answer then.]

[You]

Now, without a thinker, without an owner—what is left? What remains when the illusion of control and authorship drops?

Presence. Experiencing.

Look now. Is anything missing? Is anything actually wrong? Or is this just another thought saying so?

Nothing missing. What’s there, is there. What’s not there is not there. Any idea about something that’s not there and should be there can only be a thought.
Nothing actually wrong. Wrong is just a thought.