Hellou friends

[WoollyShower]

Sounds great. I will write..

There's anyway words i want to say to you ghosting around my head during the day, so I might as well try and capture some of them

Now they're more quiet of course. Ok. So lots of mental noise throughout the day. Its rather painful. But that's just how adhd feels like to me, like some inflammation in my brain. On the level of sensation at least. Might be the full moon also

Continued checking if there's a doer. Lots of rumination about the implications of there not being a doer. Many of them positive.

Kept going for walks. Somehow getting bored of hiding behind screens? watching YouTube etc. Which is a great sign if that continues.

Some pressure around not getting this, not doing enough. But then again I don't know what else i should do. It feel like it wants to go back to using pressure and fear to get me to work.

Finished an application today. I'm not able to work a lot but the little things I'm doing, I'm doing well.

Lot of doubt that was always there but now it seems a tiny bit more at the surface for the first time.

A demain

[Elad]

Sounds great. I will write..

There's anyway words i want to say to you ghosting around my head during the day, so I might as well try and capture some of them

Now they're more quiet of course. Ok. So lots of mental noise throughout the day. Its rather painful. But that's just how adhd feels like to me, like some inflammation in my brain. On the level of sensation at least. Might be the full moon also

Continued checking if there's a doer. Lots of rumination about the implications of there not being a doer. Many of them positive.

Kept going for walks. Somehow getting bored of hiding behind screens? watching YouTube etc. Which is a great sign if that continues.

Some pressure around not getting this, not doing enough. But then again I don't know what else i should do. It feel like it wants to go back to using pressure and fear to get me to work.

Finished an application today. I'm not able to work a lot but the little things I'm doing, I'm doing well.

Lot of doubt that was always there but now it seems a tiny bit more at the surface for the first time.

A demain

Good stuff, I sense movements of accepting and looking - that's what's called for.

Here is an exercise for you, as always please answer all questions.


Introductory Body Exercise

Sit with eyes closed for about 15 minutes.

Paying attention only to the pure sensations, without relying on thoughts or mental images:

Can it be known how tall the body is?

Does the body have a weight or volume?

In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing? Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

Is there an inside or an outside?

If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?

If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to? What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

Look very carefully, especially with the last question. Take your time, don’t rush. You can look several times during the day while doing other things (like washing hands, showering, having a short break from work, walking, etc) before replying.

[WoollyShower]

Can it be known how tall the body is?

No, not really

Does the body have a weight or volume?

No, not in direct experience. It‘s a thought.

In the actual experience does the body have a shape or a form?

No, it‘s just sensations that are interpreted by thoughts somehow but the sensation is just that, no shape or form, maybe some texture? color even? Not sure

Is there a boundary between the body and the clothing? Is there a boundary between the body and the chair?

There is a sensation of the warming effect of the clothing but that‘s more neutral, not a boundary that I can sense in direct experience

Is there an inside or an outside?

All sensation originates from the „inside“ of the body in my experience. But I cannot verify that this would be in any way relevant in direct experience. it‘s more like there‘s a label that says inside and calls it a day…

If there is an inside - the inside of what exactly?

? Don‘t know how to answer that…

If there is an outside - the outside of what exactly?

I got mega distracted while trying to answer this question. Normal with adhd. But I sense that this leads to a lot of thoughts somehow. Very thinking, trying to make an argument but coming up blank?

What does the word/label ‘body’ ACTUALLY refer to? What is the ACTUAL experience of the body?

An amalgamation of sensation, of tension and release of pleasant and unpleasant stuff. I don‘t know, how do you describe color to someone who had never perceived that before? Tickly „vibrations“, attention rotating around in there like a squirrel. Some warmth, coolness - ok those are labels but they point to something. but also very subtle variations of that. Pleasant tickles on my right foot.

[Elad]

"There is a sensation of the warming effect of the clothing but that‘s more neutral, not a boundary that I can sense in direct experience"

Right and "warming effect" and "cloth" are not there in direct just like body is not there in direct sensation experience. Body, cloth etc are thoughts. In direct experience with eyes closed just sensation plus thoughts coming going. Please verify.

Then do the following exercise:

[Elad]

Word “I”

Let’s look at thought and the content of thought a little more,

Write the word "I" on a piece of paper. Look at the word, is that YOU?

Speak the word “I” silently; be aware of any sensations or responses to this word. Are any of these reactions in your body or mind by themselves YOU?

Now say the word “I” aloud. Is that sound YOU?

Is the combination of any of these, the word, the sound, the thought YOU?”

Is the thought, "I exist" you?

Is the thought "I" you?

[WoollyShower]

Right and "warming effect" and "cloth" are not there in direct just like body is not there in direct sensation experience. Body, cloth etc are thoughts. In direct experience with eyes closed just sensation plus thoughts coming going. Please verify.

Yes, definitely. Cloth & warming effect are labels.

Write the word "I" on a piece of paper. Look at the word, is that YOU?

No, it‘s ink on a piece of paper.

Speak the word “I” silently; be aware of any sensations or responses to this word. Are any of these reactions in your body or mind by themselves YOU?

No, they are sensations and thoughts, they are not me.

Now say the word “I” aloud. Is that sound YOU?

No.

Is the combination of any of these, the word, the sound, the thought YOU?”

No, they are thoughts, sounds,…

Is the thought, "I exist" you?

The thought is a thought, it is not me.

Is the thought "I" you?

No.

[Elad]

Right and "warming effect" and "cloth" are not there in direct just like body is not there in direct sensation experience. Body, cloth etc are thoughts. In direct experience with eyes closed just sensation plus thoughts coming going. Please verify.

Yes, definitely. Cloth & warming effect are labels.

Write the word "I" on a piece of paper. Look at the word, is that YOU?

No, it‘s ink on a piece of paper.

Speak the word “I” silently; be aware of any sensations or responses to this word. Are any of these reactions in your body or mind by themselves YOU?

No, they are sensations and thoughts, they are not me.

Now say the word “I” aloud. Is that sound YOU?

No.

Is the combination of any of these, the word, the sound, the thought YOU?”

No, they are thoughts, sounds,…

Is the thought, "I exist" you?

The thought is a thought, it is not me.

Is the thought "I" you?

No.

Right on! What feelings are happening at the moment?

Please do this exercise:


Nature Exercise

Go out into nature and spend some time watching the movement of the whole. See how clouds move, trees swing, leaves wiggle, grass moves, insects, birds - all move all the time.

Then move focus to sensations and see how they too are in constant motion, thoughts come and go, sounds, colours, sensations come and go. Notice that everything is part of one movement.

Then close your eyes and see if there is a line between you and out there, between you and life itself. Is there a bounder?

If no, what feelings happen while seeing that? No need for it to be any particular way, just describe like an anthropologist.

If yes, where is the boundary?

Is there an inside and an outside of Life?

Is there something which is not included in the movement of the whole?

Is there a witness that is watching life happening from a distance?

Is witnessing part of the one movement too?

Is there anything which is not just happening?

Go out, come back and tell me what you found.

[Elad]

Hi Synes,

As we started this process you agreed to this point:

"4. For the process to be focused and fruitful, I like to make an agreement that both guide and client (i.e you and me if we do this together) respond on this thread every day, and in the case of special circumstances where we cannot, still touch space here on the thread to say so, the day before or on the day. In the same spirit, I work with people who have the motivation and availability to make this process a primary priority in their life for the duration of the cooperation. If any of this does not fit your life rhythm, style or preferences, please let me know and another guide will work with you."

We naturlly moved to a somewhat looser form. However, I recently asked you again if you are up for daily touch space and you confirmed. And yet last message from you was from the January 31. I am open to think in changes in the agreement if needed, this is about being helpful. However, it doesn't seem healthy for me if agreements are made and not held.

What are your thoughts on this? Is there something about how the process is moving, or about our interaction, that we should talk about to better understand or improve something? How are things moving?

As you know this process often can bring up challenging stuff. A sincere, committed and honest cooperation is the way to work through that.

[WoollyShower]

Hi Elad

Can you let me know what you want me to write on a daily basis? Like a specific question that I can answer every day for example or whatever else you want me to write about.

Open ended questions do not work for me, as clear and precise and broken down into small steps as possible is what i can do.

I have been waiting for the time to be right to do your last exercise. It is deep winter where i am, and I went to the countryside to be in nature yesterday but there wasn't the push yet to sit in the minus temperatures for doing this exercise.

I have several unfinished messages to you, but jeah having a clear task for the daily check in would be very helpful for me.

I reread our thread also a couple of days ago and wrote down things that were useful to me.

I am very very slow. Starting a daily routine takes time.

Talk to you soon

[Elad]

Hi Elad

Can you let me know what you want me to write on a daily basis? Like a specific question that I can answer every day for example or whatever else you want me to write about.

Open ended questions do not work for me, as clear and precise and broken down into small steps as possible is what i can do.

I have been waiting for the time to be right to do your last exercise. It is deep winter where i am, and I went to the countryside to be in nature yesterday but there wasn't the push yet to sit in the minus temperatures for doing this exercise.

I have several unfinished messages to you, but jeah having a clear task for the daily check in would be very helpful for me.

I reread our thread also a couple of days ago and wrote down things that were useful to me.

I am very very slow. Starting a daily routine takes time.

Talk to you soon

Hi Synes, good to hear from you, this is useful feedback. Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:

1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

3) Do whatever extra exercise you got, and if for some reason you cannot (weather or what not) let me know this.

Here is an exercise for the next day (do weather exercise when it feels good and right):

Change letters

Throughout the day, when a thought about "I" comes up, replace the letter!

"I want to have this" ->
"O want to have this"

Can "O" want to have anything? No. How then could "I" want to have anything?

"I don't like that" ->
"A don't like that"

Can "A" dislike anything? No.

How come there is an idea that "I" can dislike anything?

Observe this throughout the day and report what comes up!

[WoollyShower]

3) Do whatever extra exercise you got, and if for some reason you cannot (weather or what not) let me know this.

Hey, thanks so much, that's very helpful

one more clarifying question: number 3 I am supposed to write something about the exercise, no?

What should I write there about it, do you have a question for me?

Thaanks :)

[WoollyShower]

Observe this throughout the day and report what comes up!

Oh jeah, you wrote here: adhd trouble with reading.

So like can you say a bit how detailed you want mö to report or about what specifically? ö just write a bit a about what's happening more or less? It's funny now, first it was annoying. The thought came that you are trying to point at something obvious and I'm like looking the wrong way. Can be a funny scene in a movie, "look there" "where?" slapstick sketch.

And how can ü support you and show that ä'm sincerely trying. But it's silly. Thoughts and more thoughts.

Can "A" dislike anything? No.

How come there is an idea that "I" can dislike anything?

It's a reaction but the reaction is not doing anything. There's constantly something that keeps trying, efforting. It feels like there is a pushing, a sensation and š'm antromorphising it in a way?

I can not support you, cause I is a label, a word, and idea, a thought.

So the word doesn't do the supporting, it's just a bridge, it's not the "thing" itself. Is that what you're after?

å don't know, that's all that comes for now, I've been doing this a bit during a couple of hours here and there. It's fun but it also seems to bring a lot of thoughts up. And it's come more from uncertainty and confusion about the task, or if the question is well made.

Also I notice that it's easy to just adjust the language and be like ok this is like a little dialect where we avoid using the word I and then call it a day. That was something that caught my attention and there was some worry about if that's actually supporting the process? I don't wanna fake or avoid anything accidentally because I happened to interpret the context in a different way than what you intended.

okok

[WoollyShower]

adhd means also that when there are a lot of things to do, like two questions and an exercise, i might not be able to do it in one sitting. like my brains attention just goes blingblong if I force it for too long on the same task, like using anxiety and it becomes stressful for the body. And I'm slow so these things can take often a long time.

anyway so my question is: if I happen to do one thing can I post it right away and do then the other two things later as it happens?

my brain just works better when I don't do everything in one sitting but slice it up into these little sessions. And then I will do the other one's still later. but can be several hours later sometimes.

because if I don't post it right away i will forget about it and then blaa, anyway.

[WoollyShower]

Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

I feel like there is but when I look I cannot find it. So I guess not... So i mean it's not in my direct experience. Or i don't know how would i be looking for it, or could uneven recognise it. So i guess self is an idea, so the content of a thought.. A thought. A sensation.. A movement of the attention.

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

But who is moving? Is there anything that is doing it? No. It's just happening. But then all these ideas and concepts are all there, so the language is a useful way to referring to the perspective and experience and life. Why would it make a difference if there actually was a self or not. If i try to imagine it there are no images, thoughts or concepts coming about what would it be like to be no self. Then the thought is But I don't know why am I experiencing this if I'm not doing it. Who is doing it? Why do i need the experience of a self, why is it necessary? What purpose does it fulfill?

Is this helpful? Feels a bit like rambling.

[WoollyShower]

Okay, so every day respond as sincerely and deeply as possible to these three points:
1) Is there a separate self at all, a controller, a doer, has there ever been?

I feel like there is but when I look I cannot find it. So I guess not... So i mean it's not in my direct experience. Or i don't know how would i be looking for it, or could uneven recognise it. So i guess self is an idea, so the content of a thought.. A thought. A sensation.. A movement of the attention.

2) Is it 100% clear, if not what is not clear?

But who is moving? Is there anything that is doing it? No. It's just happening. But then all these ideas and concepts are all there, so the language is a useful way to referring to the perspective and experience and life. Why would it make a difference if there actually was a self or not. If i try to imagine it there are no images, thoughts or concepts coming about what would it be like to be no self. Then the thought is But I don't know why am I experiencing this if I'm not doing it. Who is doing it? Why do i need the experience of a self, why is it necessary? What purpose does it fulfill?

Is this helpful? Feels a bit like rambling.