...But I’m not yes awake

[ty0]

You're still trying to figure things out. There is no where and how to look. You're trying to fit a square piece in a triangle hole. You can't make lemonade out of oranges. It's not that you can't think your way to answers, of course you can. But answers are just that, answers. Thoughts. Nothing substantial. "Where" and "how" can only give you more thoughts. It's like you're in a car and you're trying to get out, so you try driving at breakneck speed, honking in different sequences, changing to all the different gears, switching to every radio channel, and wiping the front and back windshields. But you don't simply open the door and get out of the car.

None of these thoughts will ever amount to anything more than thoughts. You're running in circles. You assume there's a point to all this thinking. You assume there's a "right conclusion" you can eventually land on. You believe that thoughts have some sort of value, without seeing that even value is just a conceptual thought. There's so much that you're not seeing is just thought, which leads to all this seeking.

Do you want to schedule a call sometime?

[Tleela31]

Thanks, sure. I'm sure that would be helpful.
The second message I wrote yesterday after realizing I was seeing things wrong, I mean I know I'm seeing everything wrong, but the specific thing about getting upset by something was because I was reading the book, liberation unleashed and ran across this. Mainly why I was reading it was because I wanted to make sure I was understanding expectations fully and what was meant by that beyond expecting a dramatic awakening. What also caught my eye was something about concentrating or 'you might need to concentrate really hard or harder or something like that at one point. I know thinking is not going to help me see anything. But when I asked about where or how to look, what I meant was what does 'focussing harder mean? Focussing on what? But I was in a hurry for some reason oraybe because I'd already written a message, and didn't want to explain all of that, Or is this something that I'm wrong to focus too much on? But wrong to focus on being told to focus ..ok I'm not serious really but it feels like that makes as much sense as most things lately, or at least how things sound on the surface. Yeah square piece in a triangle hole fits. Or..I mean the expression fits me, it doesn't fit a triangle hole. it s already been a long day. Thanks.

[ty0]

Thanks, sure. I'm sure that would be helpful.

Sometime next week is good for me. Email me at 27leetyler@gmail.com to schedule

Mainly why I was reading it was because I wanted to make sure I was understanding expectations fully and what was meant by that beyond expecting a dramatic awakening.

What do you expect? As long as you're expecting something and trying to mange your expectations you're already looking in the wrong place.

Don't worry about focusing harder, just keep up the mindfulness practice. What does it even mean to focus harder? Like really, what is that?

[Tleela31]

What do you expect? As long as you're expecting something and trying to mange your expectations you're already looking in the wrong place

.
I general I'm trying to see the truth of everything more fully and beyond myself instead of only how everything affects me, as I've seen for myself how completely wrong my assumptions and conclusions are over and over. Im interviewing for a 911 dispatcher job. I feel this, and a general overhaul of my perspective and priorities is important to be able to handle this type of job and for my life in general. But how this will show up, or that anything will show up or what I mean by show up in the first place, I have no idea and no expectations. It's just what lead me here. But only as one small step of what I'm sure will be many many more.

Don't worry about focusing harder, just keep up the mindfulness practice. What does it even mean to focus harder? Like really, what is that?

Ok. No idea And I'll email in the next week, thanks!

[Tleela31]

Hi, I mentioned I think in some initial post that I initially had things so backward and didn't align with my religion, and I found out I had that completely wrong. It was kind of funny, one of the things that woke me up to this was a talk in a bi-annual conference largely about meditation, etc, and a quote from a former church president from 1967, stating that not enough emphasis is being placed on the value of meditation, etc. Anyway, last week I had to give a talk to my local congregation based on this same talk, out of I'm not sure how many given in total during this four-session, two-day conference, I was asked by the leader of my local unit to talk on this specific one. I don't really have a point, but just a weird coincidence, and it's also been interesting to hear people's reactions. (I know meditation and non-dualism aren't the same thing, if this isn't making sense, it's just that I came upon and begin to understand this and related concepts together and in my mind, they are connected.)
Anyway, otherwise, I've been kind of stuck about where to go from here. I do have it pretty internalized that this isn't something that I can think my way through. I don't think this is something I'm trying to do any longer. I am working on 'not thinking' in general, as far as letting too much time be wasted on random thoughts my mind throws at me. I'm working on not reacting to things based on ego, as part of not seeing myself as a separate self, But as far as really seeing anything from direct experience, I have kind of lost track of how to do this, or wasn't really on track in the first place. I keep coming across the idea that it's completely based on grace whether I see, which I can't control. Also, I keep coming across the idea that I can influence this to some degree, as the more I can see 'truth' in the sense of being aware of lies my mind tells me, including ego-based lies, as well as others, that helps me get closer to seeing. Am I on the right track or still missing the point?

[ty0]

What does being on the right track mean to you? It sounds like you're still trying to figure something out, but I don't know what it is you're trying to figure out

[Tleela31]

What does being on the right track mean to you? It sounds like you're still trying to figure something out, but I don't know what it is you're trying to figure out

I want to see things as they really are. As I know they are but not completely enough to actually see it

[ty0]

How you know things are isn't how they actually are. You're just trying to have experience and your imagination of how experience should be like to match up. Things aren't any actual way, everything you know is just what you think you know. Things only feel incomplete because you have an idea about how they should be instead.

[Tleela31]

How you know things are isn't how they actually are. You're just trying to have experience and your imagination of how experience should be like to match up. Things aren't any actual way, everything you know is just what you think you know. Things only feel incomplete because you have an idea about how they should be instead.

Yes, I can see this. I don't really know what else to say that wouldn't be the same.

[Tleela31]

Ok, there's that part, then there were a very very few times I know something was shifting, not based on any thought or expectation because it was something I'd never had any kind of experience. Time wasn't time, and things looked and felt different than they had. Temporarily. Then I start feeling like I'm moving backwards because this isn't happening, and maybe bc II get too focused on this, the past, which fits into what you said I think. So...now I have no idea. No idea, no thought, no expectation, because I really have no idea, which is maybe a good place or maybe not, I don't know.

[Tleela31]

I got it! I see, there is nothing to see! I'm not my body, I'm not in my body. No me. I got it! But I feel like I need to be tested or something. Because I keep wanting to be sure I still know. Or, I never know how to word things. That I'm not just fooling myself. I don't think I am though. But I have had glimpses before and I don't want this to be just another glimpse.

Also...well I was going to say the typo in my original subject has really been irritating lol but maybe.a little less so right now.

[ty0]

Hahah. What do you see? What does "you're awake" mean? What if I said you're not awake? Why the need to be tested? Test what? What do you doubt?

[Tleela31]

I don't know. I was reading something and It quit being just a concept. Before that, it was. That's just really not me, I don't need a test anymore, I kept thinking something dumb about that wasn't how it happens or something and I wanted someone to confirm it. But I don't need it to be confirmed, it's how it is.

[ty0]

Great. So how would you answer the question "Who are you?" now?

[Tleela31]

Heh. Mostly I have no idea. But here's my own really dumb joke that's also my answer (which I know is dumb because I have to explain it first)

I usually listen to ebooks read with a decent AI voice. I was sure I kept hearing 'my' name used randomly which couldn't be right, and I finally realized what I was hearing was "a 'me' ", as in 'you think of yourself as a 'me' ', or something like that, and though it would have a different inflection if I was saying it aloud, the voice, maybe because it has a British accent, pronounced it just like Amy. And it was funny because it completely worked with my name there instead, and it kind of unintentionally personalized it.

So anyway that long explanation is why my other answer is 'not Amy'/not 'a me'.
I guess like no-thing/nothing. That works too which I noticed quit annoying me as much to see that written that way like it used to, I guess because it makes more sense mow.

A consciousness is the closest I can come to an answer that isn't what I'm not. But if that's a thing, then it doesn't work either. So I do t really know.