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[onedrop]

[quote]Is it like pressured skin, contract muscles, some feeling of fear? 

/quote
It's a mix of things. The location varies a bit but it feels like a solid sharp pain. I feel like energy and breath is ot moving freely with the pressure obstructing it. My muscles feel contracted.

[quote]What happend to these single items when observed as deep as possible?

/quote]

The pain remains but is slightly less sharp when i look deeply but the fight against them stops for a little bit. But then frustrated thoughts run in. What is pain really? I don't understand mine because it's there when there's nothing external to cause it and it isn't often even on the level of thought.

Apologies for slow reply, i have limited access to internet at the moment.

[0kay]

Yes onedrop,
It looks like we miss all answers to questions before about inside and outside in direct experience.
This direct experience about inside and outside is a main thing to see where things are from or not from. So once again, direct experience in looking at thoughts about wheather, Santa and shopping experience.

1. In thinking about wheather, Santa and shopping is there an inside and or an outside?
2. Basic tactile feeling, hand on the table, is there felt an inside and or an outside?
3. Basic listening without thoughts, is there an inside and or an outside?
4. Basic looking at hand, table, window. Is there an inside and or an outside?

[onedrop]

1. In thinking about wheather, Santa and shopping is there an inside and or an outside?

I'm not hundred percent sure what you mean by the questions but I will try to answer. The thoughts are coming from inside me, from my mind.

2. Basic tactile feeling, hand on the table, is there felt an inside and or an outside?

It feels like there is and inside in the center of my hand. Everything else is outside.

3. Basic listening without thoughts, is there an inside and or an outside?

The sounds come from outside.

4. Basic looking at hand, table, window. Is there an inside and or an outside?

It feels like these things are on the outside, even my hand before I started feeling it.

[0kay]

You know that thinking about a menu is not so delicious. It lefts you hungry.
Direct eating is the experience, direct basic senses in action, viewing, smelling, tasting, touching, delicious, no hunger any more.

Did we talk about the difference between thinking about things and direct experience?
Thinking about something and listen to thinking is not the same quality as direct experience, here, now.
Only what happens here, now is direct experience.

To do direct experience you look, touch, feel, hear and smell in this single moment, not in thoughts.
Then things look different, that´s where we guide to.

Try, look, the result is much better than expected.

Close your eyes without thinking. Direct experience, direct, basic looking.
Is there an inside or an outside, are there any borders?

[onedrop]

I've been sitting here man hours exercising direct experience with touching, seeing and hearing. I just see a me and the outside of me. I feel the aliveness of my hand, it feels like that is part of me. I don't feel the inside of the table so it doesn't feel like part of me.

My thoughts, they don't seem like the truth. They change, come and go but they feel like they are happening in the centre of me. I feel the centre of me. The aliveness inside seems like me.

I can't be sure about the outside things that my senses detect. There are many ways I could be misperceiving things. Maybe I see colours differently than others. I can't be sure what the reality is.

But when I look for the I, I see the good old pain residing in the centre of me. I feel the aliveness wherever I put my focus on and that feels like the I.

I feel immensly frustrated with this. I've had moments of clarity before and now I can't see it. I'm going to try again.

[0kay]

I feel immensly frustrated with this.

Feeling frustrated. Is this something that must be changed now, in this moment?

Could it be more relaxed and
direct experience
to look for this instead?

Try to look at an uncomfortable feeling, coming up, hold on for a while, disappearing.

Is there really a need to change it or is the "need" just a thought?
Could that feeling be accepted as is, looking for, direct experience, as long at it takes?

[0kay]

I feel immensly frustrated with this.

Is there an i in direct experience when feeling frustrated or is it more an assumption?

Is there a thinking like "If a stone hurts my foot it must be a living i"?

Can a hurt decide something, can a hurt act as a living thing?

[onedrop]

Is there really a need to change it or is the "need" just a thought?
Could that feeling be accepted as is, looking for, direct experience, as long at it takes?

This is where I'm stuck. I sit with the feeling but all attempts to accept it are really actually attempts to get rid of it. If I sit in an uncomfortable position I want to correct my posture so that I feel comfortable again. The same urge with the pain comes up. I want to get rid of it.

Is there an i in direct experience when feeling frustrated or is it more an assumption?

I get a suffocating feeling in my chest which I interpret as frustration. The interpretation is an assumption. I'm not sure what the feeling is. Is it direct experience if I feel heavy pressure in my chest but don't name it?

Is there a thinking like "If a stone hurts my foot it must be a living i"?

No, I don't think like that about a stone hurting my foot. I don't hang on to the stone hurting my foot because I know it happens and then it ends.

Can a hurt decide something, can a hurt act as a living thing?

Thinking about it it seems to me that the hurt can't decide anything or act as a living thing.

[0kay]

I get a suffocating feeling in my chest which I interpret as frustration. The interpretation is an assumption. I'm not sure what the feeling is. Is it direct experience if I feel heavy pressure in my chest but don't name it?

Yes onedrop, this is direct experience. There was seen that there is something that could not be described and that there are assumptions about. That was good!

If a mix of things show up it is often not direct experience:

I want to get rid of it.

Here is more than one thing disturbing, some feeling or thinking, an interpretation and also a felt to do some action immediately. Three things at a time, so much.

Let´s work on analysing things like this in direct experience: If there is a need to have some drinking or changing the sitting position or going to another place.

Look for this need. Look for the thoughts about, how they appear, how they change.

Can you hold one of these thoughts as long as you want?

Can you stop one thought in coming up?

Is there an i controlling these thoughts coming up or disappear?

Was there a decision to do action then or did this action happen somehow?

[onedrop]

Can you hold one of these thoughts as long as you want?

No, I can't hold the thought. It might dissappear fast or slow but I can't hold it. Something will distract it.

Can you stop one thought in coming up?

I can try and distract my mind but eventually thought will pop up.

Is there an i controlling these thoughts coming up or disappear?

The only control is distraction but as I said, it won't hold forever. The thoughts will come.

Was there a decision to do action then or did this action happen somehow?

There is a narrative about the decision in my mind about the action but I'm not sure if it's the decision or just description of what's happening.

I have been wondering about control vs. spontaneous action. At the moment I have a situation going on which I have interpreted as one of the most important things in my life. It looks like it activates one of my minds 'favourite' fears about not being good enough because the outcome of this situation seems to depend on how well I perform in it. Lots of fear based emotion floating about. I'm afraid to let go of control. Do I even have control?

[0kay]

It is just direct experience what we do here, now. It´s ok :)

Thinking about something what is not direct experience is just thinking.
Thinking could have some wrong label on it, a believe for example in something that could never be seen in direct experience. So we try to find out what is true with direct experience and what are just labels without substance.

You found out in direct experience that thoughts show up and disappear and an i could not stop or control this.
This is important, check this again to be shure about :)

I'm afraid to let go of control. Do I even have control?

Let us do some direct experience with paperballs to check this: Crunch 4 or 5 pieces of paper to balls.
Throw them up and catch some before falling to the ground. Do this a few times to be shure about the results.

Was an i involved to choose which balls were caught?
Did an i control which hand took the balls?
Was an i responsible for balls laying on the floor or in hand after this?

[onedrop]

Was an i involved to choose which balls were caught?
Did an i control which hand took the balls?
Was an i responsible for balls laying on the floor or in hand after this?

I tested this and there was no I involved in the choosing and the catching felt automatic. It didn't feel at that moment responsible for whether the balls were in hand, floor in my cats mouth. But I could say this is just reflexes. I can say this is possible for any human who has arms and hands and who has developed enough dexterity to catch and then it is automatic. But what about seemingly more complex decisions. How can I see who is in control for exaple in the hypothetical scenario where I would have to make a decision between getting married, going traveling or starting a new job. Who makes the decision then? There is so much thought involved in this scenario in my mind even when it's just hypothetical I can't see what the direct experience in this could look like.

[0kay]

Yes onedrop, this was much work and you did it good.

Direct experience is looking what happens without labels made by thoughts. Some labels came automaticly as we have seen.

Looking for thoughts coming up is direct experience. If there is more than one thought it needs some analysis what has been first to see the strucures of beliefs.

getting married, going traveling or starting a new job. Who makes the decision then?

This is the question, onedrop: Is there an i making a decision or is it more like something happens by itself when its ready?

[onedrop]

This is the question, onedrop: Is there an i making a decision or is it more like something happens by itself when its ready?

I can sometimes see that decisions to act or thoughts come by themselves. Sometimes I might be just lying down and the thought pops in my head that I should eat a sandwhich. I then get up, make a sandwhich and eat it. There's no questioning about it, it just happens. I can also notice that when I'm drawing. An image just comes to my mind and then I draw it. But then sometimes there seems to be a lot going on in my mind. Lots of thoughts come and it seems like I'm labouring over them. I have an internal conversation about something and often have contradicting thoughts. When there is a lot of effort in the thinking, I feel like the 'I' is there in control. How can I look into this. How can I inquire deeper into this? Why is it that when a lot of effort is needed, the I feels more involved?

[0kay]

Yes, onedrop, that was good.
Unfortunately i´m not able to guide until the next weeks or months, an other guide wrote that he wants to be with you. So please look for thoughts and feelings coming up, if there is really an i :)