Taking this discovery in mind, what is it that you perceive yourself to be in your everyday life? I don’t mean what you intellectual understand and reason what you are, but rather what is it that you perceived yourself to be experientially in the mist of ordinary life?
That's a big one. Ok so I was observing ‘that I perceive myself to be in my everyday life’ for most of the day, even had dreams about it. It was so hard to disconnect from my intellectual understanding as they do overlap so much, so I went on exploring what is it that I perceive myself as by focusing on individual senses:
This was the easiest while being still and with my eyes closed, investigating sounds. I hear sounds that APPEAR to come from ‘the fan’; but REALLY I perceive the sounds as simply hearing, or the experience of hearing, with different intensity - low or high. So I know there is no separation between the imaginary me and the sounds, only appears to be. In that instant I was just the hearing. And simultaneously a thought told me what the sound was (a fan) and even showed me a picture of the fan placed in thought-space a little bit to the upper right apparently. The thought-image also showed me I was a body with two ears and said I hear the sounds more to the right, so it must be happening in space away from ‘me’.
It was more difficult to see with the eyes open because the shapes appeared to be moving. But when I was in my house with no movement, I perceived myself as the experience of different shades of colors and different shapes and sharpness and sensations. And I observed thought-images that showed me that Olivia was in the house inside of the body shape, where the outside of the house exists as well and it showed me what it looked like outside too, as if through some x-ray vision.
Also without the mind’s pictures, I wouldn’t even know I - as Olivia - was sitting, I’d just be experiencing sensations and pressure. So I could also say I was the experience of sensations (pressure).
Then I observed taste with eyes closed, I was drinking a watermelon smoothie: I perceived myself as sweetness and the experience of ‘who knows what’ but the thought said it was a watermelon, and even showed me a green whole watermelon (even though the smoothie was pink). Without the thought I wouldn’t know how to describe the taste except for the sweetness.
Similar with smell.
Then I went for a slow walk in the nature and I really looked. I was the experience of colors and shapes, smells, sounds and sensations with the awareness of the thoughts.
I saw a black moving shape next to a body shape and a thought told a story about my dog being there always with me, how cute etc.
I also asked myself ‘how do I know the trees or the sky is far away?’ I couldn’t know, just saw different colors, shades and sharpness of colors - just an experience, almost two dimensional without the mind, a masterpiece of a live painting, things moving and getting bigger and becoming skewed to imply depth and distance from the apparent me.
Same with sounds - no distance, just experiencing of the sounds (similar to as I described above).
And a thought said ‘this is your body, this is a tree, blue, sky, bird etc’.
I was flipping between those two perspectives - one of the story where I was a human Olivia intentionally walking her body and perceiving the outside world through her senses.
And one of a pure, calm, vibrant experience of beauty and colors and sensations and no separation between the shapes, colors and sounds or sensations - all happening simultaneously on one dynamic canvas. The body shape moving by itself. The tree leaves shapes moving by themselves..
But I still had to put such an effort into seeing it that way, just like trying to see an autostereogram.
Overall, I perceive myself to be the dynamic experience of colors, sounds, smells, taste, sensations and noticing of the thoughts and invisible images and the invisible voice (thought) trying to label and describe the images and their meaning including the body without the head (as I don’t see Olivia's head).
And also there was a strong voice doubting my experience, telling me that I had to try so hard to see what I perceive myself as, so it must be far away from ‘as it’s supposed to be’, and that there is nothing I could do as Olivia to make this process happen as it is supposed to happen spontaneously. A voice saying I was doomed to a life of misery and suffering.
So, I don’t know if I’m on the right path in here? Am I trying too hard? Any pointers would be very much appreciated!
Thank you so much! I'm so grateful for all your persistent guidance!
Olivia
