Looking For A Guide

[SamanthaR]

Can you see what it is protecting, not a past outcome but now, what is the sensation of fear wants to say?

What happens to the i when you stop imagining it? That happens a lot through the day, when you get into some activity where you no longer notice anything other than the activity.

I think the fear is trying to say a few things. I think it wants to remind me that the most ludicrous and emotionally painful things happen and I need to prepare for them and not let my guard down. Ludicrous and painful things are one of the reasons I started looking at or, remembering really, that ‘I’ as I know ‘I’ to be doesn’t really exist. There are times when this is so clear and obvious to me and other times, when things are particularly rough and I forget again.

When I get absorbed in an activity and forget about the fear, (which doesn’t happen nearly enough), it’s like a mini vacation and I am without the fear. For a bit.

Does life really need a manager in a form of you?
Or is it happening all by itself?

I am still pondering this. I often think I have some effect on what comes into my life or field of awareness. Sort of like a lucid dream.
It is easier to take responsibility for the really bad things that happen to me than to think life is living awful things through me. Then I feel like a victim. But it’s a dance between emotions on any given day.

There is no control, nor is there any controller. There is only life living itself. Everything operates by cause and effect without any ownership. If you look honestly you’ll be able to clearly SEE that thoughts arise seemingly from nowhere and that consciousness doesn’t choose them. Examine, take a look.

Thoughts and thinker seem definitely to be the same without separation.
There are thoughts throughout the day that absolutely arise from nowhere. An image unrelated to anything. A song playing in my head that came from nowhere. I have been watching my thoughts to see if I could see how they arise or the moment they do. Some seem to arise from a bodily sensation and then a chain is activated. It’s like a pre-written script or reflex of thoughts and then emotions that trigger more thoughts. But I am still holding on to ownership of them. I fully and completely would love to let that one thing alone, the ownership of thoughts go. The freedom for not blaming myself for all the negative thoughts could only be peace.

I will continue the meditation. I have been trying to practice the concept that the meditation is based off of, of letting go of the meditator in the rest of life as well.

There are definitely days and times during the day where I think “of course there is no me, I remember now and understand that none of this is personal.” But then I seem to forget and I am right back to being angry and/or afraid.

I apologize for the length. Thank you and Enjoy you afternoon.

With love and gratitude.
Samantha.

[AlinaP]

Let whatever comes, come. Just look at it, even fear. Notice that the fear is the result of what is being thought.

It is easier to take responsibility for the really bad things that happen to me than to think life is living awful things through me. Then I feel like a victim.

Where are 'you' and where is the life that is living, are there two? Really look, are 'you' real or imagined? Is 'Samantha label' real or imagined?

Little exercise:
Notice the body breathing.
Look is it breathing by itself, or is there a breather?
The label says, “I breathe.” Is there really an “I” that does the breathing?
How about when you sleep? Is there an “I” that sleeps?

Are you in control of what dreams you dream at night, are you the controlling dreamer?
Or is it simply cause and effect, images projected from outside events and subconscious registered data?
What changes in the morning, does life suddenly has a controller for it to be happening or everything happens automatically and then a thought comes and clams 'I did this'? Is there a thinker of thoughts or thoughts just come and go without a controller?

Write honestly what feels true,
Sending love.

[SamanthaR]

Where are 'you' and where is the life that is living, are there two? Really look, are 'you' real or imagined? Is 'Samantha label' real or imagined?

The Samantha label is imagined. It is just a label.
I feel it in short bursts - the singleness of me/and the life that is living. I can’t seem to make the moments stick.

Is there really an “I” that does the breathing?

No definitely not. I can feel this very clear in meditation. “I” am the breath, if that makes sense. I cannot figure how to describe it, and I only can feel it in meditation so far.
There is no ‘I’ that sleeps. I know this intellectually but I can’t fully feel it beyond intellect.

Are you in control of what dreams you dream at night, are you the controlling dreamer?

I don’t think I am the controlling dreamer but I have had those few experiences where I can control parts of the dream though not the entire landscape. It is rare for me to “wake up” inside the dream, or to realize I am the dream, but once I realize it, I seem to be able to control it or alter the experience of it. The dream just happens by itself unless I wake up into it.

I can’t figure out if it’s cause and effect or images or subconscious data. None of those feel quite right to me. It just feels like another place to have the life that is living.

Is there a thinker of thoughts or thoughts just come and go without a controller?

The thoughts are the hardest for me to figure out. I watch them for hours. It is hard to say that there is no controller when some of the thoughts feel almost scheduled like - I’ll think about what I’m going to have for dinner. Or if somebody says ‘think about x.’ If thoughts came and went, how can they seemingly be bent or guided? I think part of my problem with thoughts is language maybe. The idea of “I’ll think about it.” Or ideas like “think positive.”

When I have tried to clear my mind of thoughts, who or what is the controller that stops them? The thoughts and not identifying with them is the most difficult thing to me. I see they come and go, but then they cycle and repeat, or stay on a theme indefinitely. They are very repetitious in terms of content. If ‘I’ can meditate and quiet them, who or what is the force that does that through me?

I try to picture them like I do with bodily sensations. I feel the sensations separate and not belonging to a body or part of a body. They do come and go and change. I don’t control when there is going to be a pain in my hand, it just appears and then hopefully disappears. But it doesn’t trigger a domino effect like the thoughts do. One thought leading to another, leading to a sensation that leads to the next thought on the chain. The fear is definitely from the thoughts and sometimes it seems to come from a sensation.

Some times it makes so much sense and I think - oh right, of course there is no me etc. Then emotionally everything shifts in a good way, and it is peaceful and fun and calm. When I get overwhelmed by external and internal events, I forget that there is no me, and am back to drowning in the pain of the experience of it.

With love and gratitude,
Samantha

[SamanthaR]

Hi Alina,

I had a thought about my thoughts when I woke up this morning, so I figured I’d just quickly add it.
It does seem that the thoughts are like a computer program running in the background of my mind. In that way, they are controlled and come and go on their own or by something outside of me.

It feels like -if I feel sensation x then it cues up thought y. After thought y, if no new sensations or perceptions come in then cue thought z, then rerun the script from the beginning.

In this way the thoughts are not of me, from me, or controlled by me. So that releases some of my issues with the thoughts. I still don’t see how ‘I’ can stop them when I meditate or change them then overtime. Or who alters the program. Or are they just reflexes?

Have a good morning.
With love and gratitude

Samatha

[AlinaP]

Great insight on thoughts Samantha! Lets continue.

In this way the thoughts are not of me, from me, or controlled by me. So that releases some of my issues with the thoughts. I still don’t see how ‘I’ can stop them when I meditate or change them then overtime. Or who alters the program. Or are they just reflexes?

Please don't attempt to stop thoughts! Mind is thoughts. Thoughts are impersonal and the mind is like a radio, it all depends on the frequency that is playing out in your life, you are tuned to a certain collective channel, when we see through the illusion of 'I' separate 'self' or 'me' life naturally cleanses empty beliefs and returns to higher frequency (channel) and gets quite or less heavy.

On choosing thoughts: an subconscious data comes to your conscious awareness as a thought 'I am going to think about my vacation' a theme is given but the thoughts that come within the theme are not known, so it only looks like a conscious decision and 'me thinking' but it is not.

As you've already seen you are not thoughts!

Is there a 'me' apart from thoughts? Is there a thinker? LOOK!

If ‘I’ can meditate and quiet them, who or what is the force that does that through me?

Please know that we are NOT trying to get rid of or stop thoughts, it is impossible and might only make them louder.

What is happening in meditation - thoughts are there, feelings, sensations(body), sounds, aliveness/being-ness/presence, silence is here, even when thoughts are happening - what are you, what feels like undeniable you? - Are you the thought 'I am meditating' or 'I am the meditator"? What is the force you are talking about? and what is 'me' - me as the body? Do you mean through the body? Are you the body? Can ever be an object of your awareness?

if the mind becomes quite in meditation is it because you were trying to stop it, or is it because you relaxed all mental doing, or manipulation of what is?

Look closely and write what you find, what feels true.
Sending love.

[AlinaP]

* Can you ever be an object of your awareness?

[SamanthaR]

Hi Alina,

Please don't attempt to stop thoughts! Mind is thoughts. Thoughts are impersonal and the mind is like a radio, it all depends on the frequency that is playing out in your life, you are tuned to a certain collective channel, when we see through the illusion of 'I' separate 'self' or 'me' life naturally cleanses empty beliefs and returns to higher frequency (channel) and gets quite or less heavy

This is incredibly helpful! Thank you! It explains a lot about my life experiences and It gives me hope (and please tell me if I’m wrong) that not only will ‘my’ perception and experience of events be less painful, but that the less painful events themselves will occur?

Is there a ‘me’ apart from thoughts? Is there a thinker? LOOK!

This is a tough one. What I am experiencing is telling me no, that the label of ‘me’ identifies itself as the object that is comprised of thoughts and emotions. If thoughts are not me or from me then there is no thinker, there is just reflex mental scripts that play out, but I feel like there is something that can see the thoughts from I guess behind them.

In meditation or times when I am not absorbed or carried away with my thoughts, there is something behind them, seeing them, watching them, or just staying still while they happen. It doesn’t feel the same as “me” it is something else. I just can’t tell if it’s just a deeper quieter layer of thoughts that doesn’t surface very often. It just feels blank.

- what are you, what feels like undeniable you? - Are you the thought 'I am meditating' or 'I am the meditator"? What is the force you are talkings about? and what is 'me' - me as the body? Do you mean through the body? Are you the body? Can ever be an object of your awareness?

The only thing that feels like undeniably “me” in meditation is that place of happiness that I sometimes get to (infrequently) that seems to not have a reason it’s happy and it fades once the thoughts come back, mostly it’s blank and almost has a dead feeling I can’t fully relate to that. When it’s not blank, there is a sort of curiosity to “it” whatever it is, and that feels absolutely like me, or what I’d hope “me” is, but it is hard to find it mostly.

I am definitely not the body. I have always known even as a child that the body is just a temporary vehicle. I want it to be a nice vehicle, I don’t want it to be in pain, but it’s always felt like clothing I’m just wearing for now.

As for being an object of my awareness - I’m not sure. I can be aware of the things that make up the objects of “social me” (body, emotions etc.) and I am aware that there is something behind all that is not an object - that “base level” me and now I’m seeing what I think is another level down of “something” but it’s hard to grasp it to examine it. I am sort of aware it’s there. I’m not sure if I’m answering the question. I may not be understanding it fully.

Yesterday I was meditating and my cat came to sit on my lap. I started petting his head while meditating. I opened my eyes and watched my hand move over his fur, but it was very bizarre, it was like the experience I had when opening my eyes after letting go of the meditator - I saw what appeared to be almost a disembodied hand. It was a meaningless shape, that was touching another meaningless shape (fur). I have had this experience quite a bit and it worries me because it feels alien. It just sees but does not seem to experience or have an emotional context for anything. It not just feels alien but feels almost like a dissociative state I guess.

In the past I’d hear or read people talk about awareness as being love and joy etc., this thing, whatever this base point or level is; is just blank and almost feels dead or devoid of anything. It is stripped of mental labels - which is good, and I understand that emotions are generated as a result of mental labels and constructs, but shouldnt this thing have some defining characteristics, hopefully positive, that would filter through to be experienced by the false “me?”

I’m not sure if that makes sense or I’m barking up the wrong tree, or what this thing is that seems like the untimate blank slate that nothing gets written on.

With love and gratitude,
Samantha.

[AlinaP]

please tell me if I’m wrong - that not only will ‘my’ perception and experience of events be less painful, but that the less painful events themselves will occur?

Painful events might or might not be necessary. What will be clear is that you no longer see yourself as a sufferer to whom painful events happen - since there is no 'you' to whom it all happens. Life will be still playing out old conditioning, your involvement in them will be clearly seen as unnecessary.

Please put aside all expectations good or scary, its just thoughts - but they cary the energy to block true seeing.

In the past I’d hear or read people talk about awareness as being love and joy etc., this thing, whatever this base point or level is; is just blank and almost feels dead or devoid of anything. It is stripped of mental labels - which is good, and I understand that emotions are generated as a result of mental labels and constructs, but shouldnt this thing have some defining characteristics, hopefully positive, that would filter through to be experienced by the false “me?”

There are two movements; the inward movement is stillness, presence, awareness, peace - nothing can touch it and you are starting to sense that. The outward movement is love, compassion, right action. You need to first know what you are not, so you can see what is really happening. By doing so you can know what your nature is before it becomes involved with the world, all beliefs and false identifications will be examined and if the commitment to truth is a priority all will be cleansed. And only then love can flow freely as your true expression.

Please sit down write down again all your expectations, read them out loud... SEE that this is the only thing that prevents you from crossing the gate. STOP telling yourself stories of how this should or shouldn't be. I need you to get into simplicity of direct experience.

The aim of this inquiry is not to give security. It is to see through illusion to reality. And in that process, we find that the person looking for security doesn’t exist. Then the need for finding security and the need for answers falls away, too.

All you need to do is let stuff go. Drop it. Clear the way.
We will proceed when you are truly ready!

Sending love.

[SamanthaR]

I am ready.

I wrote down my expectations. There are six:

I expect to reach a Truth that I do not at the moment see, except for in fleeting periods.
I expect to be able to live from the perspective of that Truth.
I expect to feel, or would like to feel that I am home.
I expect it may be a gradual process and I see that as limiting.
I expected that my “self mind” would need to feed itself with information and descriptions as it attempts to help push me along. It did. I see the obstruction to the process as I try to fit things in a mold.
I expected there to be days that are easier to feel the Truth than others. There have been.

I understand the innate story telling and self imposed hindrances/ barriers that come with expectations; and I am willing to let them go.

On direct experience:

I have actually been trying to stay in it as much as possible since your initial question on it.
I see that there is no perceivable physical reality without the use of my senses. I see my thoughts jump in and create a label for the perceived sense and then a story. This creates a distance between myself and the perception. It is recently
easier for me to sense a lack of boundaries between myself and the object with most of my senses, sight being the most difficult.

Intellectually it is easy - feeling it is where I’d like to stay. Some days are clearer than others.

What is the next step in direct experience?

With Gratitude and love,
Samantha

[AlinaP]

Thank you for your honesty and the readiness to proceed.

Lets do a little exercise of direct experience:

Can you see what is going on right now? I suppose you do, you just have to look using the eyes. Can you please describe what you see? By "what you see" I mean what is being perceived by the senses, what is being seen, tasted, heard, touched, smelled.

Also, can you focus in the sensations and feelings and describe them as best as you can?

Example:

What I see: keyboard, hands moving, hearing ocean sound, daylight, child laughing, screen, words on screen.

What is being sense/felt: contraction in the stomach, coldness in hands, slight irritation.

Hoping you get the idea - what we are looking for is a description of what is going on here now. It does not have to be perfect or exhaustive. Just notice what is happening and describe it the best you can.

Sending love.

[SamanthaR]

Hi Alina,

Right now I see the letters on the tablets keyboard and the words appearing on the screen as I type. I hear the clicking sound the keyboard makes and I hear my cat purring near me, it is soothing. I see the grey pillows of the couch that I am sitting on, they are soft to the touch. I hear traffic passing by outside the window.
My feet are cold and there is a tense muscle tightness pulling on my neck and shoulders. My stomach is burning. I feel the fabric of my shirt against my arm, it is itchy.

Is this enough, or should I add more?

With gratitude,

Samantha

[AlinaP]

Right now I see the letters on the tablets keyboard and the words appearing on the screen as I type. I hear the clicking sound the keyboard makes and I hear my cat purring near me, it is soothing. I see the grey pillows of the couch that I am sitting on, they are soft to the touch. I hear traffic passing by outside the window.
My feet are cold and there is a tense muscle tightness pulling on my neck and shoulders. My stomach is burning. I feel the fabric of my shirt against my arm, it is itchy.

See if the experiencer in language is really a part of what is happening... could it be that if you pay close attention to the simplicity of the moment the experiencer is nowhere to be found?

Seeing: letters on the tablet, keyboard, words appearing on screen, fingers moving, typing happening... so on...

Same thing with feeling and sensations: coldness in feet, muscle tightness pulling on neck and shoulders... stomach is burning, sensations of fabric against skin.

Simpler and more direct.

In this manner could you again describe what is happening, without adding "I' "my" and "me"

Sending love.

[SamanthaR]

The experiencer is not found.

It is easier to see with the change in language. -

Seeing: words on tablet screen, fingers moving on keyboard, blanket on couch, cat laying on floor
Feeling: tightness in neck and shoulders, stomach burning, irritation of skin from touch of fabric, coldness in hands and feet.
Hearing: traffic outside window, cat purring.

With Gratitude,

Samantha

[AlinaP]

The experiencer is not found.
It is easier to see with the change in language.

WOW!!! Wonderful great looking.

So in that light of simplicity of direct experience lets continue. When we look at different questions, let this simplicity of direct looking at what is be your guide in writing the answers.

Please read this on language and labeling:

http://markedeternal.blogspot.ca/2012/0 ... guage.html

http://markedeternal.blogspot.ca/2012/05/labels.html

Look at a university. All it is, is a bunch of buildings, with certain types of people, with certain things being thought there. The label “university” is put on this area, and the feel of it being a university becomes very real, almost like an entity in itself. But there is only a bunch of buildings there.

Now take your life, your limbs, head, brain, blood, guts, memories, thoughts, and feelings. All this stuff very much exists and is very real, but when all this stuff references itself and uses language like “me,” “myself,” and “I,” over time something that seems real appears, a feeling of ownership over all that a feeling of control, a feeling of “I am my name,” “This is me.” But truthfully, there’s nothing more there than the brain, the blood, the guts, the thoughts, the memories, and so on.

Reality is near? Look around. This IS. Here now. 
The rest is thoughts about what is not happening. Can you see the difference between what is and what is in the head, as images, as thoughts about i, or him, her, them.. 

Now after reading the two articles, and the above please answer the following:

Is there I?
Can you tell me what exactly comes up when you ask the question? 
Moment by moment 
Describe

Sending love.

[SamanthaR]

Is there I?
Can you tell me what exactly comes up when you ask the question?
Moment by moment
Describe

Initially there is fear. Fear of letting go of ownership of the thoughts. Fear of a (false) loss of control, of a (false, unwanted, yet comfortable sense of identity).

Right now ‘I’ am sitting in the woods. When looking at the trees if the thought “seeing if happening” is maintained, there is a freedom, a relaxation, a release of tension. Suddenly nothing seems personal and beauty is seen with a new clarity. There is a curiosity instead of a fear.

When the thought is “hearing is happening” there is a desire to experience more hearing - as opposed to the usual annoyance that is the body’s typical response to noise.

I may write more over the weekend. The thoughts are still a struggle, an addiction of sorts. “Thinking is happening” is what is being worked on and practiced. It puts a distance between the “self” and the thoughts.

Please let me know if this is on the right track. “I” may have questions.

Enjoy the holiday weekend.

With gratitude
Samantha