I will never get this

[Rickster]

Woke up today with a very strange set of feelings - melancholy, danger, hopelessness. But when I look at the facts there is really nothing to support that. The sun is shining, the bills are paid, the body feels good, and all is well. The only out of the ordinary aspect is that today is (ironically) the first day of feeling good after a weeklong bout with the flu. Not sure what this is all about, but this is the kind of thing I often suffer through. I don't know whats going on. Crappy feelings just move in and I just bear it, trudging along for a day or so until it mysteriously goes away. I do seem to be getting better at seeing all this for what it is.

You (and others) have made it clear that none of these bad thoughts and feelings can be forced out, and they may or may not change later on, so I'm stuck with them. Thats understandable. What I'm interested is how to be more detached from them. I can see that there is something that is observing all of this. Is it something besides the mind that is able to observe the mind? Or is it just more of the same mental activity? You (and others) say you see the mental activity come up, but are able to ignore it more or less. So is it that the "real you" is ignoring it, and the egoic thoughts ("the phantom you") are left sort of dangling?
(Getting confused at this point.)

Another question: I can see that the ego is terrified about being uncovered. I can see it working like a one-armed paper hanger 24/7 trying to paste up one facade or another - "I'm really a smart guy", "I'm a nice/good guy", "I'm a very hard working noble guy" and many more. What is it that is being protected? Is it just the seedier side of life that no one wants to reveal or is it the basic phantom himself?

The whole thing gets so massively complex and confusing. Is there a way to break it down into smaller bites?

Thanks,
Rick

[clearskye]

Hi Rick,

I can see that there is something that is observing all of this. Is it something besides the mind that is able to observe the mind?

Yes! Beautiful that you are noticing this. It is awaring (I like that better than the noun, awareness, because it, awaring, is not a thing) that is observing the mind. It is beyond the mind.

Another question: I can see that the ego is terrified about being uncovered. I can see it working like a one-armed paper hanger 24/7 trying to paste up one facade or another - "I'm really a smart guy", "I'm a nice/good guy", "I'm a very hard working noble guy" and many more. What is it that is being protected? Is it just the seedier side of life that no one wants to reveal or is it the basic phantom himself?

Another beautiful! That's the made-up "I" desperately scrambling to survive. The basic phantom itself. It grabs any experience and labels it (I'm a very hard working noble guy). It's like the stick inside of the scarecrow that keeps it vertical. If that image works for you.

This is actually very, very simple. The mind makes it complex. And you are sitting right on top of it now. Just keep looking, because you are seeing the truth, right in front of you.
with love,
Skye

[Rickster]

This is about as far as I can get with this currently. I see how the ego system works to some extent. I can see that what I really am is the underlying aliveness. The problem seems to be that the egoic identity remains strong and the awareness is weak. You say "just look". I assume you mean look at what I am not (the egoic identity) and look at what I am (the awareness). I am doing that but it just feels flat and dead. I feel like I'm looking at a blank wall. "Well, there it is, same as yesterday."

It seems like I need to look more but from some other angle. Or am I just being lazy? (I don't think so). It seems like I need to bring the ego down a few more notches and bring the awareness up a few notches.

Any ideas?
Thanks very much,
Rick

[clearskye]

Hi Rick,
Interesting. You say that

I can see that what I really am is the underlying aliveness

and then you describe that same aliveness as

it just feels flat and dead. I feel like I'm looking at a blank wall

.

The mind jumps to assign that underlying aliveness as boring, or flat, or dead, because the mind looks for objects and action. But can you think of days when you simply wished that life would chill, and remain steady, dependable? Well, awaring is! Begin to notice just how conscious and alive that awaring is. In fact, the whole play of life unfolds within that. In any moment, all is fresh, new, unknown, and has never, ever happened before. Be very, very curious about that underlying aliveness, and it will open for you. This takes time.

What we normally pay attention to, objects and action begin to be seen as the play on the surface--which can never happen without the underlying awaring.

Yes, when I said "just look" I was referring to what you are, the awaring (and all that unfolds within it.)

the egoic identity remains strong and the awareness is weak

Noticing the awareness brings it forward. The egoic identity, as you speak of it, is simply believing in the thought "I." That I am the center of the universe, that I rule my own life, that I make things happen. Look and see. Is that really true, or is that thought claiming what is simply unfolding on its own?

Mind can be very, very stubborn at giving up what it thinks should be its territory.
with love,
Skye

[Rickster]

OK, I'm starting to see a pattern that I'm doing that is a waste of time. Everyone says its very very simple, and that caught my attention way back when I first got into this. After all this studying and analyzing and writing that I've done over the last 2 years, I've come to the conclusion there isn't anything else to learn regarding this basic identity issue. Yet I keep diving back into these complicated tangles of thought. Once in there I'm determined to figure my way out and maybe learn that special something. But the outcome is always about the same. I may have a valid discovery or insight while in there, but overall the journey fizzles out and I'm left wanting something else. I feel there is some piece of information I'm missing. But wait! They say its simple. If there were some magical piece of information in there I would have found it by now. I have looked HARD!

So if its that simple maybe its like this:
1) Life/everything is clearly flowing along in all its complexity and glory without the slightest bit of input from me. I (as ego) have never created a single blade of grass or a single grain of sand. It all happens without me.

2) Whatever the mind has to say about all of this (spirituality, identity etc...) can just be ignored more or less. Its like a sports commentator going on and on ad nauseum with more analysis and more insights into a game that he is not actually participating in.

I guess I need to look more at what is already here - the basic awareness, and ignore the mental games that are just a distraction. I have a pretty good handle on the "no me" issue. (This part is getting more fun though as the reality of it sinks in more and more.)
So far, looking at awareness is fairly dull although I do feel a glimmer of something there. I guess I'm not used to that which is quiet and subtle.
Any suggestions how to move on? How did you get to the point where you quit all the studying or practicing?

Thanks for listening,
Rick

[clearskye]

Hi Rick,

OK, I'm starting to see a pattern that I'm doing that is a waste of time.

Yes, the mind takes us away.

Life/everything is clearly flowing along in all its complexity and glory without the slightest bit of input from me. I (as ego) have never created a single blade of grass or a single grain of sand. It all happens without me.

YES!

Whatever the mind has to say about all of this (spirituality, identity etc...) can just be ignored more or less. Its like a sports commentator going on and on ad nauseum with more analysis and more insights into a game that he is not actually participating in.

great description!

Rick, I still read and attend retreats, because I love being surrounded by truth. But the seeking is gone. Occasionally a thought will grab me (for example, my son may require another open-heart surgery). Then I return to "practice" in the sense that I remind myself that the future is only in thought, and return to direct experience.

Keep noticing how lively awareness truly is. Not dull--this whole extravaganza occurs in it! Fine to notice the extravagant play, and also know the truth about it--it is all awareness at the core.

Spend another couple of days sitting with all of this and report back. Then I'll have a series of questions that I will ask you to answer. It's great to keep looking, because the deepening never ends. This is really the first (huge) step.
with love,
Skye

[Rickster]

OK, I'll just look for a while.
Thanks,
Rick

[clearskye]

Hi Rick,
I'm checking in to see how life is unfolding for you. I'm right here, ready to assist you in seeing this through.
with love,
Skye

[Rickster]

Hi Skye, For the last several days I have been focusing on the simple awareness and how everything arises in it - all thoughts, feelings, moods, sensations etc... The key word for me is "all". Some thoughts are easily allowed to come and go while others are seemingly more powerful and sticky. Some have decades of negative stories attached and these seem to try to drag me in. But that is not happening. I can see how it works well enough now to just treat the powerful thoughts like any other: "Oh, look what the mind/brain is cooking up now. Sorry, I'm not buying it." And so the thoughts hang around awhile and then leave. Same for good thoughts and feelings. They're nice while they're here, then they pass along like all the others. This is quite a pleasant way of being.

As I said before, the simple awareness can seem dim and not terribly interesting but I am completely on board with the idea that I may be totally frick'in wrong about this. As you and others have said (and I'm listening) the basic awareness can move from the background up to the foreground if it is given more attention and interest. This is what I am doing.

One day I noticed very clearly that basic awareness is like a capability or a skill that can be wielded or pointed at things. I suppose it must be active constantly but usually I have not noticed it as a separate ability. It is always just glossed over since whatever it is aware of is given more attention.

So for now this is all I'm doing - trying to see what I'm missing in the simple awareness.

Thanks,
Rick

[clearskye]

Hi Rick,
I didn't answer this? Hmmm.

Some thoughts are easily allowed to come and go while others are seemingly more powerful and sticky. Some have decades of negative stories attached and these seem to try to drag me in. But that is not happening. I can see how it works well enough now to just treat the powerful thoughts like any other: "Oh, look what the mind/brain is cooking up now. Sorry, I'm not buying it."

This is so beautiful, Rick.Thoughts will continue to be this way--some float on by, other seem to grab us. But awareness is noticing now. Fabulous!

the simple awareness can seem dim and not terribly interesting but I am completely on board with the idea that I may be totally frick'in wrong about this. As you and others have said (and I'm listening) the basic awareness can move from the background up to the foreground if it is given more attention and interest. This is what I am doing.

Yes, this is a good approach. The more attention and interest you give it, the more "it" will open for you. The it that is not an it...

One day I noticed very clearly that basic awareness is like a capability or a skill that can be wielded or pointed at things. I suppose it must be active constantly but usually I have not noticed it as a separate ability. It is always just glossed over since whatever it is aware of is given more attention.

Interesting comment. Yes, it is active constantly--but it is not a separate ability. It is the noticing openness that all else occurs within. It's the whole show! (Only it is not an it, is not findable--it's only liveable.)

Can you see that there is no "you" there?
with love,
Skye

[Rickster]

Hi Skye,

I didn't answer this? Hmmm.

The delay in the response seems to be timed perfectly. It is taking me several days to inch along but some significant progress is being made. Although I've intellectually understood most of this stuff for quite a while, actually seeing the reality of it and living it happens whenever its ready, I suppose.

Can you see that there is no "you" there?

The other day while writing I was moved to go (once again) into a familiar and well worn area of investigation. That is, if I (egoic phantom guy) am not currently doing the seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, thinking, believing, and operating the body (I can see the real truth in this) then 'I' have NEVER done anything in all of this life! From the non-duality point of view this is standard, but from the "normal" point of view this seems very very odd.

Its obvious lots of deeds and events have happened throughout life. That is not in question. And wasn't it my free will (and massive will-power it was) that just literally muscled things into place - huge things, college degrees, building homes, making work successful, kicking bad habits (Ugghh! hard!), and generally taking care of business 24/7 ? :-) I always thought so, but is there some possibility that that is not what was really going on?

If "egoic I" is not really running the show now, was it ever running anything? Then it hit me. NO! "I" never did any of that gruesome hard work. But it WAS done. This body/mind system did all that hard work, powered by the "One Energy". It did it the way it did it, because of its nature, along with lots of day to day conditioning and beliefs. "I" was there all along the way thinking I was running things, doing my usual bitching, complaining, whining, worrying, opining, etc. Then that made "me" responsible for all the action, and then came the pride when things went well, and the guilt, shame or blame when things went wrong. All of this is what makes the whole process miserable (suffering). The hard work could actually be quite pleasant without "me" there!

So, why does the body/mind sometimes do things (including the whole egoic M.O!) that are 'wrong' or 'stupid' as well as things that are 'right'? It seems to be because of beliefs, and beliefs may be in error! I like the analogy that some spiritual writers use: If you're walking along and you see a (supposed) snake in the grass, you believe it and act accordingly. You may get a jolt of adrenaline, and fear, and the body reacts lightning fast. It doesn't even matter whether the snake is real or its just a piece of rope in the grass. If its BELIEVED to be real, the body/mind acts accordingly. So wouldn't this apply to all beliefs? If I truly believe something, I'm going to act accordingly. And what are beliefs? Aren't they just strongly held, habitual thoughts? And I don't control thoughts!

So its all just happening (life) by the "One Spirit Power" (or whatever we choose to call it). Even the egoic mental system is happening by this power, even if its in error, because the belief is there. I believed I was running the show. How did the belief in "I" get there? It seems that thats just a cultural norm that happens when we are very young. It could be done differently but its done the way its done. So we get set up with this "I" belief and off we go, acting accordingly .... until this core belief is investigated.

So, I could go on and on with this stuff, but suffice it to say that looking at this egoic M.O. repeatedly has finally blown a massive hole in the system. I don't know if the ego system has totally collapsed, but it has a gaping hole in it that I can see right through continually. It feels like I have put down a large rock that I've been carrying all this time. I have not experienced any "dark night of the soul" or any shuddering meltdowns because of the loss of the phantom identity, but who knows how all that works. Its probably different for each of us. There is some release of emotions and a feeling of relaxation in the mind and there's the thought: "holy crap, this is fun!" And on we go.....

Yes, it is active constantly--but it is not a separate ability. It is the noticing openness that all else occurs within. It's the whole show! (Only it is not an it, is not findable--it's only liveable.)

Still the seeing/noticing/appreciating of this is slow and dim. Maybe I'm slow and dim :-)

Peace and Love,
Rick

[clearskye]

Rick,

If "egoic I" is not really running the show now, was it ever running anything? Then it hit me. NO! "I" never did any of that gruesome hard work. But it WAS done. This body/mind system did all that hard work, powered by the "One Energy".

This is simply beautiful seeing. GOOD WORK! Love the massive hole. No going back, now. As one of my teachers said with great love, and smiling, "You're ruined, Skye." (comes from Rumi)

and we are all slow and dim--until we aren't. Until life wakes up in us.

the unwinding, washing out of beliefs stored in the body-mind goes on forever. Hence we always are beginners, which keeps us good and humble. The most awake man I know on the planet considers himself a beginner...

I have six questions to ask you. Take your time and be thorough with each, please. (and both are already true of you! You have taken your time, and you have shown yourself to be thorough.

1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

with love,
Skye

[Rickster]

Hi Skye,

Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?

The only "I" that can be found is that lead character in all the mind's stories. He is the star there. Almost every thought (except simple practical thinking) is about him - his ideas, his opinions, his way, blah, blah, blah. I could elaborate for hundreds of pages but then we would all be extremely nauseated. I am sick of listening to that crap in the head. It got so bad that I finally had to stop and wonder "What the f*&% is going on here!" "This can't be right." But finally seeing through the ego system, seeing how it works, in its almost mechanical way, takes most of the power out of it. The power it supposedly possessed came from me when I believed in the mind. For most of this life, consciousness, reality, my existence, and thinking were all the same thing. It never occurred to me that the mind could be so off base. I thought it was the most important part of the system! But the mind went so far out of bounds that it got noticed. Oops!

It seems that the mind's stories ARE all valid in a way, but for who? For the story character, the ego. They all make perfect sense to him. I don't see any difference between thinking I'm that story character and thinking I'm, for example, the Wizard of Oz. If I really believed I was the Wizard I would figure out how to look and act like him, how to talk like him, and how to convince other people that I was him. All my mental activity would be about him, his ideas, his opinions, his way. I don't see much difference between this and thinking I'm the egoic character. Its all just imagination, mind stories with a central character. And if the central character is believed to be who I actually am, then the system is complete, functional, and ready to run this life - or so it thinks.

I began to understand this via the most common examples laid out in the books we have all read. Is this "I" character actually doing the seeing, hearing, tasting, and thinking and everthing else? After some investigation it is obvious that this mental "I" is not performing the act of seeing. I have no idea how light energy strikes the eye, and how it is translated into electro-chemical information that is then interpreted by the brain etc. This mental "I character" is clearly not doing that. So if this applies to seeing, doesn't it apply to everything else? I think so. And if the phantom is not doing it now, that means he never EVER did anything in this whole life!

One place where things seemed to start happening had to do with realizing that "I'm" not doing the thinking. Thinking is much more subtle than the other senses and how could I possibly not be doing it? That's my specialty!! That didn't make sense in my "normal" way of thinking. There are many helpful ways to look into this - analogies, metaphors and stories. One that works for me lately is this: Imagine you have a food blender and it is full of thoughts. They are all spinning around very fast, mixing and mingling in all sorts of ways. Then drop in another thought - the "I" thought. Now, looking at all these thoughts going round and round, who can tell which one comes first - the thought or the "I" thought? For me this illustrates how the "I" thought can just slip in and make us think it's doing the thinking! It's right there in the mix with everything else. Why not? Up comes a thought and it says "I thought that." All I have to do is NOT notice the order of things and the sham is working!

For me it took a lot of repetition (and its still going on). The truth of this stuff is right there for all to see, but it seems to take some repetition, looking at it over and over again, from every conceivable angle. Then over time, what was once bizarre and unbelievable may be seen to be true. I suppose this may happen quickly for some and more slowly for others, but if the attraction for this stuff is there, something eventually happens. For a long time I thought nothing was ever going to happen and I was about ready to give up (even though the attraction was strong). Then finally things started happening, unfolding. Its usually not very dramatic for me, more gradual. Some of the points I thought I would never get in a million years just open up spontaneously, without me doing anything in particular. And there are of course many points I still don't understand but I suppose they will unfold in the appropriate time. I am just a beginner, and I have no choice but to stumble and bumble along the best I can.

Peace and Love,
Rick

[clearskye]

I loved your second paragraph--that the mind stories seem valid, but for who? Perfect questions. Remember, we are always beginners, Rick. This process of unlearning never stops.

next question:
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now. (I know you've already written about this before, but again, in this now.)

with love,
Skye

[Rickster]

Hi Skye,

Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.

To get at the absolute start of the notion of a separate self there is that basic thought of "I" that was planted in all of us at somewhere around 2 years old. I of course can't verify this for myself but all the knowledge out there points to that, and from investigating things that have happened it looks like that is probably true.

So the "I" thought got in my mind spinning around with thousands of other thoughts. Thoughts can fire very fast, in rapid succession, sometimes jumping from one topic to another. Various relations or linkages between these thoughts are likely there, but it happens so fast I can't see exactly how all that works. The point is that the thoughts are so fast that I also don't notice exactly what order they are in. This seems to be part of the ego trick. What happens is that the egoic program (or whatever it is) just tacks on the "I thought" to just about everything thats happening - sensory input and other thoughts. A bird flies by and the eyes see it immediately. Then the mind tacks on the thought "I saw a bird". This example is so simple, but it does expose the basic egoic M.O. clearly. The body/mind is an extremely complex and talented thing. IT saw the bird, not that "I" in the afterthought. So we are just ignoring the order of things. Its a simple little trick, but for some reason we don't notice it until someone points it out, and we investigate it for ourselves. I read about this many times with the attitude "Yeah, whatever" and moved on, but as the investigation got down to the nitty-gritty of watching the low level activity of the mind I started seeing how it was working for real in this life. The most revelational thing for me was to see that the "separate I" is itself just a thought.

I bought into the ego sham without knowing it and grew up assuming "I" was doing the seeing, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching, thinking and doing. Over time masses of stories were collected in the brain/mind about I, me, and mine: I did this. I did that. I think this and that. This event happened to me. My opinion is blah, blah. All of this just keeps piling up year after year. The "separate self" is then firmly locked in place and in control (supposedly).

Since I bought into the ego sham I was therefore responsible for everything. I was doing it all afterall. That means I got the glory when things went well and I got the guilt and shame when things went wrong. Without writing a hundred pages about it, suffice it to say that all this leads to the classic "suffering".

We all get battered around one way or another by life. Many painful things happen. This happens enough so that the supposedly involved and responsible ego has to build defenses. All sorts of stories are put together with excuses and justifications and explanations that will hopefully make everything seem OK on balance. It seems like its keeping score or maintaining a balance sheet of some sort. It knows that some really bad things happened to "me" on the one hand, but its got some stories that counter all that on the other hand. It doesn't like things to get too far out of balance it seems.

Over time, maintaining all of this mental baggage becomes a huge burden. I like the image of a guy trying to swim while carrying a concrete statue of himself. Now that's a struggle! Some people crack under the weight and I wonder if that may sometimes be better than continuing to carry the load.

Peace and Love,
Rick