Hi Vince,
1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
(laughing) No, there isn't an "I" (me/self). There never was. It's so peculiar...the whole thing is so peculiar (that's the word that appeared when reading the question about there ever being a self). The mind is dumbstruck in the face of this and can't say more than that.
2) "Describe your experience of the illusion of separate self, how it arises/disappears. Is that process always the same, or does it vary, and if so, how?"
It's like a reflex, or inertia, or muscle memory. Even if they are different, all 3 can be used as good analogies here. They all seem to fit in how to describe the shifts between the experience of a self that keeps reappearing even after it was seen not to exist and experience with no self in it (not even as a thought) . The analogy of the car that's still moving even after the foot has been taken from the gas pedal (read it here somewhere) comes to mind. Not going to philosophize about theories that explain how the experience of self begins "when we are children...", etc, because, what's the point? All "I" know (it's seen), is that THIS (life, reality, this moment) takes different forms, even as an experience of a self, a person, that life happens to. That experience evaporates when a shift occurs and it usually happens when it is seen that this person is not real; that those are just thoughts. It's like a shift in perception, a shift in how reality is experienced (it's more like how experiencing happens). There are times when thoughts that contain: I, me, mine, are so close together and dense, when the inertia is bigger, that seeing through them does not happen fast. Then, pointers come to mind (in the form of thoughts), some from this dialogue (or even a thought that says "Stop!") that seem to slow down the intense flow of thoughts. After that,seeing that those are just thoughts happens spontaneously and this leads to the shift in perception mentioned earlier.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
What is felt, experienced, after seeing happens varies. There are moments that have fear in them , but immediately the words "it's just fear" come to mind and that usually leads to it lessening more and more (this expression sounds strange, don't know if it's correct; but you get the idea). An emptiness also arises sometimes; but it's a special kind of empty, one that has quietness in it somehow. Lightness also appears, one that brings like a breeze of air through reality. Well-being was felt and a sense of no struggles present anywhere. Many subtle variations of the written above (not only those); separate, together, one after another, blending in. But one thing disappeared since SEEing happened (actually since yesterday), and that was the often-present urge to search, the search for something (be it truth, or peace, or whatever). And the suffering and struggling that that search was usually accompanied by, they are not present here; they evaporated.
The differences between now and 9 days ago (when the dialogue began) are like the difference between heaven and earth (figure of speech) and in the same time it is seen that it's the same. It's like a new experience of reality has been "introduced" in the mix, the ISing took a new route. And it's not one that's like the others with just a little twist, no, it's something from a completly different order. But the main and obvious difference is that before there was an "I", somebody was home, and now it was seen that actually there wasn't; the home was empty from the beginning. Even though many times a day there still appears to be someone home, it is seen fairly quickly that it's all just "imagination" playing tricks on itself.
The last few days were filled with a colorful variation of thoughts and emotions, of moods and activities, but when it became clear that they all just happen, to no one, something shifted and from that moment on a tendency towards seeing this more and more often became the apparent priority of this ISing.
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
Before this dialogue, there was a "me" who lives this life and who was looking for something. Even before coming here, different shifts happened, but they where rare and far between at the beginning and started to happen more and more often in the last months. This discussion was like the last straw, the final piece to the puzzle. Apparently an ok was needed, a vote of confidence that "I'm" in the right direction. And after that, it all fell into place. Almost everything that was read in your posts, made a click, made a shift. But the biggest one, was the:
Cristina, This IS IT !
But this is not accurate.
There is no IT. For there to be an IT there has to be a not IT. Is that possible ?
THISing, is more accurate.
..or even ISing.
Every word made it clearer and clearer. The mind stopped for a long time after this one. But after a few hours, the "old routine" of thoughts searching, analyzing, was in place again. The old dance was happening again. After the thoughts, and the thoughts about thoughts, that appeared were put on "paper" (posts send to you) "you" wrote (and it was not for the first time, but this one just clicked):
I'm not being dismissive here, but this is just old conditioning kicking in again.
After that sentence it was seen that those are just thoughts thought by no one and everything appears without a self that's creating anything (because it doesn't even exist).
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
No, nothing like that. The most obvious thing that comes to mind is: because there is no "I". There is no one home to even ponder these dilemmas, about how things work, destiny, free will, draw an arbitrary imaginary line between "what "I" do/control and the unpredictability of life, etc. Examples from this experience (more than: what is is and it all just happens? hmmm)... none come to mind, sorry. It's like life is happening and that's that. Ok, from another perspective: THIS (reality, this moment) takes the form of thoughts and some hands typing these words, shifts in perspective (even this "new" one), this room, basically everything that happens now. A voice calls "Cristina", moving to the other room happens; thoughts about what to eat, an apple or an orange? A decision "is made": both.
6) Anything to add?
When thinking about what to write here, a smile appears on this face because it is seen what a flow it all had. Even though there was at the beginning a "secret" desire to get a nice, sweet, hold-my-hand and tell me how 'good' I'm doing type of guide (not that that's how things are done around here; now it's seen that, that would get in the way of the actual looking), Vince wrote back with his two lines that consisted of two questions. No "welcome!" (the one with excitement of course:)), no red carpet, no smiley faces and fresh baked cookies...none of that. And of course, it was perfect. It's like everything was custom-made for this conditioning to look (really look) and not waste any time getting tangled in all the soothing and pretty talk.
So, there has to be a "Thank you Vince!" at the end of this, because there has to:)
