Looking for assistance

[Hector's ghost]

Hi again. It's New Year's Day now and I've had another look like I said I would. One further thing struck me from what you wrote yesterday.

Well I don't know from where the thoughts come from, but in looking at the content, it would seem they are based on past experience and my relative beliefs and reality. Ummmm, what I mean is, the thoughts that arise maybe only arise that way due to a unique set of circumstances that led to that point? I'm not sure.

You say that you are now the thinker of thoughts. You can watch them arise so they are not you, agreed? But when you look at where they come from you suggest they are from past experience and beliefs. But weren't these past experiences and beliefs also thoughts? And thoughts are not you. So your thoughts you have now (which aren't you) are based on past thoughts (which also cannot be you). Where in all this are you actually involved? Indeed, is there a you involved at all?

Contemplate this. Think about it deeply. Where does that leave Zoe?

David x

[Hector's ghost]

(Looks like we've started page 8. There's also a post from me at the end of page 7 I don't think you've seen yet)

[Zoe Mac]

Greetings David from Sarawak... Culture shock again for me. :) Hope you're well.

Sorry for the time between posts, always seem to underestimate the amount of work involved in moving- Even when all you have is a backpack and yoga mat!

Lots of stuff I have to catch up on, that you've left me to look - Thanks! :)

Just one question to ponder for the moment: you say that when you focus on thoughts they disappear. Does this happen for all kinds of thoughts?

I think so, whenever trying to look directly at them, I can't find them. They don't occur. This isn't to say that they don't reappear afterward. Or at some point down the line.

Even the ones you identify with when you remember to look?

Yes. They go away in direct experience, when trying to look at them. In trying to study them, I can only speculate what they were, how they worked using hindsight.

Are there any thoughts that don't disappear?

I don't think so. Can't be one hundred percent sure, but it looks like any thought disappears when trying to look at it.

Oh, okay, two questions: what does it mean to be the experiencer of thoughts?

Ponder these questions and I'll get back to you tomorrow.

Hmm. I kind of think its like being the witness. Witnessing the happenings. Witnessing the thoughts. Sometimes if feels as if its happening to a me. Not just witnessing. Though I can't find a me. The thoughts are angled in a way to involve or create the idea that the thoughts are about things that are happening to me. Gawd, I don't actually know that it means anything. It means that I get information no one else is getting.


--------------------

One further thing struck me from what you wrote yesterday.

"Well I don't know from where the thoughts come from, but in looking at the content, it would seem they are based on past experience and my relative beliefs and reality. Ummmm, what I mean is, the thoughts that arise maybe only arise that way due to a unique set of circumstances that led to that point? I'm not sure."

You say that you are now the thinker of thoughts. You can watch them arise so they are not you, agreed?

Yes agreed. :)

Wait, where did I say I was the thinker of the thoughts? I'm not disputing it, but I can't remember saying that.

But when you look at where they come from you suggest they are from past experience and beliefs. But weren't these past experiences and beliefs also thoughts?

Yes they are. Haha. I always forget.

And thoughts are not you. So your thoughts you have now (which aren't you) are based on past thoughts (which also cannot be you). Where in all this are you actually involved? Indeed, is there a you involved at all?

Ok, breaking it down. I agree...

- Thoughts are not me.
- The thoughts I , have now, aren't me, and are based on thoughts (of a past, in the present) aren't me either.
- I am not involved in any way I can see. The thoughts just say I am.
- I can't find a me involved at all.
- Theres kind of empty swimmingness where I look to try to find a me, that I thought was there, behind things.

Contemplate this. Think about it deeply. Where does that leave Zoe?

Going to watch for the rest of the evening.

Thanks so much!

Zo x

[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

Hope the culture shock is settling down for you. I'm just enjoying Sunday afternoon before going back to work after the Christmas holidays.

Sorry about the typo in the last post. When it said you are NOW the thinker of thoughts it should have said NOT the thinker of thoughts. Kinda changed the meaning somewhat!!

Looks like your inquiry is going well, and you are pretty secure in the realisation that you are not your thoughts. This sentence stands out...

Theres kind of empty swimmingness where I look to try to find a me, that I thought was there, behind things.

Yes, that's exactly it. No matter where you look no self can be found -- not in thoughts or feelings, not in a seer, hearer or doer of deeds. So far you've looked everywhere and failed to find. What you need to do now is to keep looking. Is there anywhere else for the self to be? Look deeply. In your direct experience can you now find a self?

David x

[Zoe Mac]

Hey David,

Ooh lovely. Sundee arvos are great :)

Looks like your inquiry is going well, and you are pretty secure in the realisation that you are not your thoughts.

Upon reflection yes, but I spend 99.9 percent of my day deeply identified with them. (thoughts) Am I not supposed to see through that also?

This sentence stands out...

"There's kind of empty swimming-ness where I look to try to find a me, that I thought was there, behind things."

Yes, that's exactly it. No matter where you look no self can be found -- not in thoughts or feelings, not in a seer, hearer or doer of deeds. So far you've looked everywhere and failed to find. What you need to do now is to keep looking. Is there anywhere else for the self to be?

Nowhere I can find. It only exists in ideas. Imagination. I feel it when people look at me. Seemingly making judgements with their faces - Which I then interpret as personal. I feel like an "I" when under pressure. Forced to interact. Tell stories. Be someone I believe to be appropriate. Behave in a certain way even when it feels a massive strain.

Look deeply. In your direct experience can you now find a self?

Right now, no. Just blankness and looking and colours, sounds, movements. Quite often the visualisation also almost swims. Like there's a translucent layer of softly swirling liquid over things. Like right now.


Zo x

[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

Hope things are going well down there in the tropics. Could do with a bit of warm sunshine right about now (maybe you could send a bit in an attachment?)

but I spend 99.9 percent of my day deeply identified with them. (thoughts) Am I not supposed to see through that also?

Thoughts aren't going to go away, they're quite useful. But it is easy to get caught up in stories. But are these stories real? Next time you catch yourself wrapped up in thought stories stop and look at the thought that's going on. What is it saying? Is it about the past or future? Notice they're never about what's happening right now. Also notice that when you focus on a thought it stops being who you are and is just seen to be empty words that you become aware of. You've seen this before -- look again. It's always true, isn't it? When thoughts take centre stage they lose their power.

There's liberation in this. Any time a thought seems to take over -- maybe a worry, or some thought saying something negative about who you are -- then just by looking at it the less power it will have. But don't take my word for it, look for yourself. And the more you do this the quieter these thoughts will become.

I feel it when people look at me. Seemingly making judgements with their faces - Which I then interpret as personal. I feel like an "I" when under pressure. Forced to interact. Tell stories. Be someone I believe to be appropriate. Behave in a certain way even when it feels a massive strain.

When this happens look at your reactions and to what you are thinking in the same way as you looked at your thoughts above. Don't try to change your reaction, or think you shouldn't feel this way, just look, observe. What happens when you do this?

Quite often the visualisation also almost swims. Like there's a translucent layer of softly swirling liquid over things. Like right now.

Again, this is always available.

So become an uninvolved observer of your thoughts. Don't judge or get involved, just look. And remember, be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up or get annoyed with what you see. You're not trying to change anything about yourself, you're just looking at what comes up. What do you find?

David x

[Zoe Mac]

Hey David,

Haha sending you Borneo vibes now... {Sans skin parasites)

I have to tell you that I'm having a really hard time getting introspective at the moment. Am in a concrete jungle of a dirty city. No desire to look outside, and usually I will find some quiet time in nature to do this. Am thinking of going back to Sanur to further my LU investigations. It was a much more conducive atmosphere. But then again my head is telling me if I do that I am bowing out. Failing. Pulling out of my epic adventure. I don't feel up to it though. Felling disillusioned and wondering why exactly I feel I have to race around the world. Bali's nice. Its ok to stay somewhere a while yes?

"but I spend 99.9 percent of my day deeply identified with them. (thoughts) Am I not supposed to see through that also?"

Thoughts aren't going to go away, they're quite useful. But it is easy to get caught up in stories. But are these stories real? Next time you catch yourself wrapped up in thought stories stop and look at the thought that's going on. What is it saying? Is it about the past or future?

More often that not yes they are about the past or future.. But not always. Sometimes they are present thoughts like, I have a headache, that cloud id pretty etc.

Notice they're never about what's happening right now. Also notice that when you focus on a thought it stops being who you are and is just seen to be empty words that you become aware of. You've seen this before -- look again. It's always true, isn't it? When thoughts take centre stage they lose their power.

Yes this does seem to be true. But I can't analyse them all the time it seems also. Whenever I'm not, I just slip into the mind stories.

When this happens look at your reactions and to what you are thinking in the same way as you looked at your thoughts above. Don't try to change your reaction, or think you shouldn't feel this way, just look, observe. What happens when you do this?

Sometimes nothing happens, its like, I don't know how to analyse or break things down. Other times the analysing dissolves the problem and then the reaction.

So become an uninvolved observer of your thoughts. Don't judge or get involved, just look. And remember, be gentle with yourself. Don't beat yourself up or get annoyed with what you see. You're not trying to change anything about yourself, you're just looking at what comes up. What do you find?

This last paragraph actually made me tear up a little. Just realised I've been very cruel and judgemental of 'myself' lately. And blaming everyone else for it. Thankyou

Zo

[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

You don't paint a great picture of Borneo. I wouldn't bother applying for a job in their tourist board :-)
I agree about the nature thing. I did a lot of my looking by a lake and in the woods. It somehow brings on a sense of openness, doesn't it? So if you're not in a great place for looking at the moment then why not look into your situation?

You say your head is telling you you would be bowing out if you went back to Bali. What is the direct experience of that feeling? If something is telling you what you should and shouldn't do, what is that something? Where does it show up? Is there a voice telling you how you should proceed? What does it sound like? Or is it more of a feeling? Where is it centred?

How does the story of how things should go play out for you?

Could it possibly be that there is no objectively existing 'should' anywhere, and that it is nothing but a tale we spin that enhances the sense of self? Can't life just unfold without any rules of how things should be?

Can you see that the idea of a self always comes hand in hand with a story. And in many ways the self is the story. Look into that story.

As always take it stready and be gentle on yourself, especially in your current situation. If you find you're getting frustrated then take a break.

Speak to you soon,
David x

[Zoe Mac]

Afternoon David,

Haha, yeah the picture I'm painting is not fair to Borneo. I've never enjoyed metropolis' in general and shouldn't have expected a large city here to be any different. I'm sure a lot of people would love Kuching, just not me... Give me the fields and the trees and the ocean!! :) Pretty sure yes would get a prompt "Not a chance" from the tourist board, but funnily enough have just applied for volunteering with the Orang- utan program.

The openness. So lovely. Also brings immense stillness and clarity. Can last a while after too sometimes.

So if you're not in a great place for looking at the moment then why not look into your situation?

Do you mean relocate to a more peaceful place?

You say your head is telling you you would be bowing out if you went back to Bali. What is the direct experience of that feeling?

In direct experience that feeling doesn't exist right now. :)

If something is telling you what you should and shouldn't do, what is that something?

Its just a little thought voice. That's full of ideas about the future.

Where does it show up? Is there a voice telling you how you should proceed?

Its on a loop all the time. Just thoughts, there's no location to them.

What does it sound like? Or is it more of a feeling? Where is it centred?

Hmmm. That's hard to answer. Is kind of just like tumbling words and ideas and judgements and 'shoulds' and 'coulds' etc. I can't describe it. It doesn't have a tone, but I guess its words, but like real quick flashes of ideas that move very quickly.

How does the story of how things should go play out for you?

That's the trouble. At the moment I don't know. The story was that I was leaving everything behind to go on this grand adventure to see the world.. Or to find somewhere quiet that I could spend time on enquiry. I guess those two stories are what I've been going for, but they contradict each others purpose and so neither has been achievable. My friend was maybe going to join me in India early this year, (Yes I see this is a future story) I was looking forward to that more than anything else. But that's fallen through - we've had a falling out. I have no idea what the story is now. None. I have no job, am on my own, and no idea where I need to be.

Wait. Theres stories there when I look. The deep ones. Like one day ill fall in love and be happy and maybe make a little family. (Little girls should never be encouraged to watch Disney) There's the story that one day ill find somewhere to just stop and rest and it will be good. I'm seeing these things for what they are- stories, but still there's a little part of me that hopes for it.

Could it possibly be that there is no objectively existing 'should' anywhere, and that it is nothing but a tale we spin that enhances the sense of self?

There is no should anywhere. Except the should that keeps being created by the little voice previously discussed. That voice is unreliable so very possible yes. In fact its the only logical answer.

Can't life just unfold without any rules of how things should be?

Sometimes I feel like it can. But I struggle with this concept. Like right now if I stopped making decisions, in two weeks ill be out of money and out of a hotel and in the middle of a gritty city in the middle of Asia where I don't know a soul. So then I can look at it and say "Decisions are being made about life, but is it me making them?" Maybe not. It feels like it, but maybe not. I forgot about this. Maybe I'm just claiming a burden that's not there. Its so tricky though, because then I'm tempted to just let go and stop. Then nothing gets done. Lol. But is it me that's stopped and is it me getting nothing done? Gah! Rambling...

Can you see that the idea of a self always comes hand in hand with a story. And in many ways the self is the story. Look into that story.

I'm going to write this last sentence down in my little notebook and try to look into it tomorrow.


Thanks David, Look forward to hearing from you.
Zo x

[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

Great to hear you're thinking of working with orang utans. I love apes. I'm sure Borneo must be a beautiful place one you get out of the city.

When I said to look into your situation I just meant that you could use what is happening for you as fuel for your inquiry. It looks like you've been doing just that. Great looking, as usual.

It seems that you've still got some inquiring to do with my question on looking into the self as story, so I'll leave you with that one for now. We can see what you come up with tomorrow, then look as to where we need to look next.

Bye for now,

David x

[Zoe Mac]

Hi David, Is there any way you could break down for me how I go about this particular enquiry? Sorry to be a dunce, I just don't know where to start..

Zo x

[Zoe Mac]

Hello kind David. :)

Your question was;

Can you see that the idea of a self always comes hand in hand with a story. And in many ways the self is the story. Look into that story.

I'm just not sure how to tackle this. I guess the only way I can think of is to look directly at my stories. Ah! That's what you meant by looking at my situation. Now I understand. I'll start again.

Right now, the stories I find are;

- I'm a disillusioned girl stuck in a city that gave me a poor reception and now I don't like it here. Don't want to be here. Can't leave til the 18th. Have to endure another shitty 5 days.

So to look at this.
Right now in direct experience, there's nothing wrong. There's no "girl" disillusioned or otherwise. Theres movement and music and people and food and tea. Wooden wind chimes, damp air. Birds flying, insects zooming about, cats with funny little curly tails. Buildings and palm trees. There's glistening puddles all over the asphalt. Everything OK. The mind story, is just a story.


- No matter where I go, what I do, I can't find joy in anything. Like the magic and the colour and the vibrancy has gone. I feel lifeless. Numb.

This one has been on a bit of a loop since I got to Kuching.
I see it! Its a complete lie. Right now there's feeling of contentment and keen interest in the tiniest things. I've been believing and feeding a lie. For what? Seems funny now.


- I'm invaluable, cold, unwelcoming and unlikable. Maybe I'm destined to live a lonely life.

The thing that strikes me right now is, what's so wrong with alone. The world is bustling around, so much happening. So much to take in. When there's no personal company available there's also no meaningless chatter or clutter. Its quiet. Peaceful. Aside from that, looking at the last few weeks alone, I have had the pleasure of the company of some very kind and beautiful hearted people, (quite frequently too- Though I should point out I really don't feel like its been ME making these friendships. Just happenings along the way.) so the above belief or story is just not true. I think it goes deeper though. And this has only just dawned on me. I think it relates to a fear of change, of losing people. Resistance to the flow of life. Wanting things and people that I love to stay with me forever. Can I learn to value what I have now. Enjoy purely what is, without tainting it with the fear of losing it. I think I avoid relationships and certain interactions because deep down there is a story that says it hurts to much when things that are nice go away. Maybe. Maybe just another story. Whoa heavy.

- I really really need someone. OR I really wish my parents were still here, I really need them. OR I really need to fall apart on someone's shoulder. (Some version of this longing for someone else to look after me)

This comes up from time to time. I have had pangs of it over the last few days. Its very effective at sucking my full attention into it.
I find this one hard to see through.
I don't understand it.
What needs to fall apart? What is so terrible and hard? What could anyone else do about it?
Maybe its just a trick. I don't know. Another cover up for the fact that nobody's home really. Story to perpetuate the strength of a self presence.

Oop, now I'm getting confused. Thoughts are getting all spangley.


Yea I see it. These stories are all a distraction and take me out of right now. (Seemingly) They create the story of Zoe and the self. All these ideas do.

What is there left?

Only the stories of a past Zoe. I have noticed that over time these stories ALL fade or shift or change. I have noticed the same in other peoples versions of their pasts also. These past tense ideas seem extremely fluid and so therefore how can they be truth. Besides which, they have nothing at all to do with right now.


I read your post this morning. Thoughts were occurring all day thereafter, of frustration, anger, Blame toward you. Saying that I'm going around and around in circles, chasing my tail. Getting nowhere. Wondering if I should give up. If its a fruitless game. Now I'm grateful that you didn't let me gloss over this part of looking. More deep gratitude, thank you.

Zoe x

[Hector's ghost]

Hi Zoe,

You seem to paint a better picture of Borneo today. The cats sound nice. You seem to be having more of a breakthrough with the way you are seeing this. Yes, it is all just story, all taking you out of what's happening right now. You ask what is left without the stories. Take a look -- what do you find? Anything other that life unfolding right now?

I didn't want you to gloss over this part of looking as your situation is what is showing up for you right now, big time. Good that looking at this is fruitful.

I have noticed that over time these stories ALL fade or shift or change. I have noticed the same in other peoples versions of their pasts also. These past tense ideas seem extremely fluid and so therefore how can they be truth. Besides which, they have nothing at all to do with right now.

Exactly. These stories are fluid, but not only that, but they only make sense to what's happening right now. Try this: think about a friend or someone else you know very well. Think about the first time you met them. Go back to that first meeting in your head. Is it possible to think of that person as you did back then, as a stranger, or is the memory coloured by everything you know of them since? Is it even possible to relate to that person as you did in the past in the memory you have of them right now? Then think about when you were little. Recall memories from as far back as you can. Can you relate to these memories as you did back then as a young girl, or do you see the past with the attitude of a grown woman?

Are all memories like this? Do they only make sense to how you are right now? And if that's true, what is the implication for a self built on those stories?

Looking forward to seeing what you come up with this one. Speak to you soon.
(I'm off now to celebrate my birthday :-) )

David x

[Zoe Mac]

Hi David,

Hope you are still celebrating your birthday week. :)

Yes, it is all just story, all taking you out of what's happening right now. You ask what is left without the stories. Take a look -- what do you find? Anything other that life unfolding right now?

Just a hotel room. Sounds, sights, smells, thoughts. Physical sensations. Nope that's all there is.

Exactly. These stories are fluid, but not only that, but they only make sense to what's happening right now. Try this: think about a friend or someone else you know very well. Think about the first time you met them. Go back to that first meeting in your head. Is it possible to think of that person as you did back then, as a stranger, or is the memory coloured by everything you know of them since?

OK. I'm thinking of a friend. When we met he was yea, yes, completely different in my head than the way I see him now. Not just because I didn't know his stories I don't think, but also because of his own transformation. I guess this isn't really the idea example.

I'm thinking of another friend whom I've only known for a little over a month. When I met her, I know I didn't see her the same way I do now. Wait, no I don't know that. I can't remember how I saw her.
AhhH! Haha. Let me think of someone else.

OK, I've just rattled off a lot of people in my head and I can't get a clear picture of how I saw anyone when I met them. So I can't compare it to now.

I can see that with people though, over time the way I perceive them does change. My best girlfriend is so beautiful and warm and kind. Giving, generous. But at the beginning of our friendship, I felt she was strange, and unpredictable. I felt awkward and intimidated and felt a need to impress her. Now, I don't seem to hold anything back with her. I don't know how and if she's changed, (I'm sure she has, we all have in 15 years) But I do know that my view of her has gone through many changes over the years.

Is it even possible to relate to that person as you did in the past in the memory you have of them right now?

I see what your saying. Its impossible to look through the eyes of the past. You can try to emulate it, recreate it, but its going to be different, because of experiences between then and now. I can't be who I was at 10, 20, last year and 30. Does that mean I'm not relating the same way to people? Hah. I always kind of assumed it was everyone else that was changing, changing in the way they relate to me. It only stands to reason that with every new experience, things are altered, reformed, views are coloured as you say by it. So I'm also changing and changing my ways of seeing and relating to people.

I don't think I'm really seeing the crux of all this though. Feel like I'm missing something.

Then think about when you were little. Recall memories from as far back as you can. Can you relate to these memories as you did back then as a young girl, or do you see the past with the attitude of a grown woman?

One of the earliest memories I've picked up was a social gathering at this park by the ocean in summer, all I can remember was getting on this playground equipment, standing face to face with this other little girl with black hair I'd never met before and after a moment of silent staring saying, "My names Zoe." She said "My names _____" (Can't remember) And that was it. We were mates, and off and running and giggling. It would never happen now. Haha! How good would it be if it did though. :)

Having told this story, I'm trying to look at the memory and now I can't remember if her hair actually was black. I can't remember if we did go play. Wow I can't actually even be sure if it happened, or if it were a story that someone told. My parents at a party or something. I feel like I'm dreaming. It feels like a dream. The past that far back. It feels like that happened to me but I really just don't know. Have carried that little story round in the recesses of my mind for over half a century but I just don't even know if it really happened. Thinking of other childhood stories now. Its so weird. Like even the more recent memories, that feel solid and real. When I look at them closely, theres always some thread that I can pull that makes it seem questionable. Today I walked along the river front in Kuching. Looking at the memory of it as if I am a third person, watching me. I can't remember how it felt to be there.

Damn. Massive tangent sorry. Got caught up there.

So your original question was can I relate to memories now as "Zoe" the same way I could as a small child. HELL no. Though I wish I could meet everyone with fresh unclouded non judgemental eyes and just be immediate friends. Life has created attitudes and beliefs, fears and worries that prevent that. Also the assumption that it wouldn't be socially acceptable.

Oh wait Gawd, I think I misread the WHOLLLE thing. You're asking if I can relate to the MEMORIES the same way now as I did when I was a child. Sorry, sorry. Hmmm.

Yes it does change. Was a real stretch to try to recall an instance where I could look at how I related to a memory in the past. Found one though and its changed unquestionably.

My head is still spinning. Spinning spinning. The memories. They might not be real. The old ones, I just can't tell.

Are all memories like this?

Yes the perception is always shifting.

Spinning spinning. But now I don't know what I'm spinning on.



Do they only make sense to how you are right now? And if that's true, what is the implication for a self built on those stories?
A self. Built on stories, built on memories. Memories I can't be sure are accurate. The playground. I'm questioning if it even happened. ......................... Really feel strange . Mind says stop being weird. That I'm being melodramatic. OK OK, Need to look at this clearly.
A self, built on shifting changing memories of a past, these memories.. SHIT. Its like theres something on the tip of my tongue that I can't spit out, but the edge of my mind that I can't reach.
A self built open stories that are only a certain way right now, a self built on stories that could be a completely different viewpoint another time. Hahah! Its a fake!!!

Its a fake thing.

[Zoe Mac]

Hey David.
I'm not sure what to say. Last night was different. (Was it? How can I know for sure?)

The time zones feel somewhat difficult this morning. Longing for an open dialogue- Quick FB or something. That being said, I'm still so grateful for having this forum with you and will work with what we have.

At the end of yesterdays post (maybe!) something happened. A feeling of being awe struck. Felt eyes popping out. Stinging. It was the opposite of unpleasant.

Thanks to a chat with a friend on Facebook, was able to watch sensations throughout the body.
Rapidly beating heart, the beat felt in all the extremities. Intense heat and sporadic spine like tingle in various places. Shaking hands. A ringing in the right ear.

There was a deep deep sense of peace though that word doesn't fit somehow. (Was there?) This was transposed with a feeling of fear. Not wanting to go to sleep, though tired. Not knowing what to do with it or how to handle it. The implication that everything "I've" ever known, valued, loved, was not as it seemed. There were thoughts that it needed to be taken further somehow. Like standing on the edge of something, but not knowing the way over.

Sat in the bath a long time and noticed things that have gone unnoticed prior. Finger prints on the roof. A black hair stuck on a tile. Staring a long time at freckles. Adoring the pink rounded underside of curled toes.

Had to turn off all extra stimuli- The TV, laptop, aircon. All too much. Just listen to the night birds. The silence. Was stunning.

I don't know when I fell asleep, but I slept a long time. Did not get up til 11am this morning.

Today, now, I can't seem to gauge how things are. Not like last night. Feel hazy. Cloudy headed. The memory of last night is also.

Mind is saying the whole thing may be attributed to the Polaramine. - antihistamines that I took in the early evening of last night. Ive been taking them all week. It didn't seem like that. Or did it?
Not getting very far with it. Not even able to think straight. Can't focus.

Was going to do some tours and last minute sight seeing before leaving Kuching tomorrow, but no desire to do anything. Sit here. Be. Write. Thought just came up to maybe take a walk. (Just said "Was going to.." Going to. Really? What is going to? )

Feel peaceful. A little troubled by this idea that I need to keep looking for something, but its dull. Even felt peaceful half an hour ago when I had a rant at the hotel reception about the kid screaming his guts out in the room next door. Haha)

Really feel unable to evaluate anything at all right now.

But that's ok, isn't it
?

Love Zoe <3