1) Is there a separate entity 'self', 'me' 'I', at all, anywhere, in any way, shape or form? Was there ever?
There is not now nor has there ever been a separate entity called self, i , me. And there never was. It's been a fiction. it's not real, doesn't exist, period end of story. I know this because i looked for it over and over and over again and this thing could only be 'seen' in thought. Every time i thought there was a somebody doing or thinking there was nothing there really. only the thought of a someone. It only takes openness and looking, really looking, to see that this is so.
2) Explain in detail what the illusion of separate self is, when it starts and how it works from your own experience. Describe it fully as you see it now.
*This illusion of a separate self is a construct that began as a small child when Cheryl became the reference point for everything that was happening to and around this body/mind. Before the understanding that Cheryl was 'me' there was still existence happening; baby crying, eating, pooping, sleeping... all without an 'i'. But then those around the little body told it that it was an i and this i had things, thoughts, feelings, emotions, behaviors that belonged to it.
As this fictitious and gendered i grew and adopted more vocabulary and experiences the fiction grew. Society (family, friends, religious institution, school, employment) reinforced it. Everything that was needed had to have an i attached (i couldn't get a job without a name of some sort, without having to compete as a separate entity). and this i became the sufferer, the one who life was happening to; the one who was having 'crappy' experiences, 'joyful' experiences, 'blah' experiences. And all of the stories of this i perpetuated a total and absolute belief in it. Sometimes this i-attachment takes a very subtle form, for example: looking at a painting and forming a like or dislike of it. However, once the illusion a self is seen thru there is space to not take the workings of the 'mind' (mind is also construct) seriously.
3) How does it feel to see this? What is the difference from before you started this dialogue? Please report from the past few days.
Feelings arise of happiness bordering on giddiness, relief, curiosity... but there's really no one there to even feel them... just the thinking happening about the question.
Before starting this dialogue there was already an intellectual understanding of the concept of no-self (as in thinking is just kinda happening) but it felt more like belief than reality. it was uncovered that at least one way resistance was there was because there was still this strong sense of doership. Doership as in the 'observer', the spiritual seeker, the doer of actions etc. With the help of exercises incorporating more focused looking the recognition came that there is no one doing. It simply feels that way because there is thinking happening regarding the doing! and the content of the thinking isn't real. It can't point to anything real in direct experience. An idea has no sentience. An idea of something is not the thing; its the same with labels. Labels are only words, ideas of the real used to communicate but are not the actual real. Words are a pain in the butt, good grief!! hahaha!
4) What was the last bit that pushed you over, made you look?
What appears to have pushed me over was that the one who had the doubts was discovered to be an illusion. First there was recognition that there was this i who was always hovering in the background somewhere, ready with doubts. a sort of authoritative 'i' who has been the voice of cheryl, the 'go-to' person. But one day as i was talking to myself there came the realization that both 'i' and 'myself' were products of the mind. No one there hovering in the background, no one there who has authority, no i no myself. With this recognition and your question i was able to see that the 'doer' was the remaining issue appearing to stand in the way of clear seeing. This brought me to looking deeper.
5) Do you decide, intend, choose, control events in Life? Do you make anything happen? Give examples from your experience.
No there's no i who decides, intends, chooses, controls events in life. I don't make anything happen, life is just happening. There's no solitary point which can be claimed as the initiator of events. Only in thoughts is this all -powerful Cheryl making decisions, choices etc.
Woke up this morning without the use of an alarm clock. However, even with the use of an alarm clock there was the creation of the alarm clock itself with all of it's parts as part of the scenario, there was the setting of the alarm coming (from where?) as an idea to set the alarm, there was the going to sleep the night (going to bed just happened) before as a condition of setting set an alarm etc.
If a decision seems to be made to get up and start gathering ingredients to make bacon-onion jam, thru direct experience seeing, hearing, touching etc there is no one there doing the doing. No one made the decision. Seeing of the recipe in a book happened. From there buying ingredients happened; where did the appeal of the recipe even come from? liking bacon happened, where did this liking of bacon come from? and so on and so on... there is no single point..
Going to pee. is that a decison? who makes it? who decided to ingest fluids? who decided which fluids? Why was there thirst? was there a decision to be thirsty? no, life just happening, body just functioning... :D
6) Anything to add?
Your consistent questioning and daily commitment was the crucial bit! So much gratitude here for all of your pointing, D. I recall there was a day when there was sadness, struggling going on but being able to look deeper brought the realization that there was no one suffering. What the suffering was supposedly about wasn't real! In fact it was more like a habit of suffering. No one to be found who was suffering, only the thinking of a suffering sufferer! hahaha!
Consistent flow of experience, questioning, realizing, 'letting go' happening here/now. There's also this mind stuff going on and the recognition that this mind stuff is just going on. Kind of like being on a noisy bus but not focusing in on any one conversation, just awareness that there is talking happening, only no self that is being aware. :D
THANK YOU, thank you!
did i say thank you? :D
