requesting a guide

[journeygirl]

My legs are and have been really restless... lots of restless legs and tight cramping hip while I was on retreat. I actually sat with the cramp in the hip and it worked itself out. Today I was out in the world and it feels crazy out there -- like I don't belong. That's the sense of separation I guess..

My illusionary thoughts are trying to figure this shit out! There are patterns of needing to get the right answers-- I'm confused. But that's probably a good place to be... a place of not knowing makes way for truth. or that's what my story maker upper says.

[Steve]

Nancy, it's the best place to be! Not believing any thoughts, not believing any explanations, questioning every assumption.

a place of not knowing makes way for truth

As long as "truth" isn't another story. Be on the lookout for the tendency to accept some improved story as the right one. When it comes to living free, there is no right story. There is only this, the direct experience right here, right now.

Whether or not you've already read it, this would be a great time for you to look at Ilona's wonderful blog post: Start Here. Pay special attention to the last section, Step 7 - Falling. You will feel deeply understood, I promise.

During the next few days, just watch what happens. Keep catching the thoughts that try to build walls around experience and slot it into comfortable beds. They're just so much chatter. Continue to post here once or more per day, with no specific agenda other than to record what you witness. All is well.

With love,
Steve

[journeygirl]

I will do that. It's a bit disorientating.

My gratitude runs deeply for your commitment.

[journeygirl]

Hi Steve!

I'm still coming to terms with seeing there are no thoughts. They're like shadows out of the corner of your eye but when we look they disappear. I'm also aware of my loss of memory... at times I start a sentence and forget the end by the time I'm finished. And I just watched a entire movie that I had seen before (within a year) and didn't realize it until it was almost over. It seemed familiar but whoa..

There has been some resistance happening-- "like what did I get myself into"?..but then I noticed and let go. It does feel like lonely though. Who and the heck does one talk to about this sort of thing. I've lost interest in certain things and don't feel like hanging around some of my friends. They seem like a lot of work right now.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'm going to sleep.

I'm very excited about this new discovery.

Peace!

[Steve]

Hi, Nancy.

Who and the heck does one talk to about this sort of thing. I've lost interest in certain things and don't feel like hanging around some of my friends. They seem like a lot of work right now.

I understand! We have several private groups on Facebook where many friendly folks are happy to discuss "after the gate" experience. As soon as our work here is done, I'll arrange for you to be invited to join.

For now, do read the Falling section in Ilona's blog post that I mentioned yesterday. And stay relaxed. There are absolutely no rules for how this unfolds for each individual, and there are no wrong moves.

With love,
Steve

[journeygirl]

Hi Steve,

do read the Falling section in Ilona's blog post that I mentioned yesterday. And stay relaxed. There are absolutely no rules for how this unfolds for each individual, and there are no wrong moves.

I've read it 3 times and plan to read it again as needed. If soothes me and is right on the money. There are beliefs arising and falling. One thing coming up was a pesky fear in my stomach pretty...it's been pretty consistent lately. I recognized the message under the fear... something that my father said when I was in my first treatment center 21 years ago. During family group he said, "I've never felt loved" and cried. I've never seen him cry except for this one time. This fear felt connected to the belief that being alone meant that I wasn't loved...I've intellectualized this feeling away and then went deeper by doing inquiry the last couple of years but it was still there. I blessed the fear and set it free.

I don't feel much different but less hurried-- every once in a while it hits me-- this seeing! It's feels like "holy shit, what a trip"!

[journeygirl]

I felt a lot of anxiety tonight... lots of fear about being alone. What is going on? I'm a social person and I don't feel very social right now. I feel alone even around people. I feel different than other people- but at the same time I'm glad I'm not like other people. It perplexes me that more people don't want to know the truth. It's none of my business though.

[Steve]

Hi, Nancy. It can be disorienting when you suddenly start questioning everything. Relax and step back a little. Take a look at this just as you've been looking at thought.

I felt a lot of anxiety tonight... lots of fear about being alone.

You've seen that there's no separate "you" as a thinker, nobody there to control thoughts. Are feelings any different? Do you experience an entity, a "you" that feels? Do you experience any control over the feelings that arise?

There is direct experience of something, but what exactly is it when you look closely? Sensations in the body? Perhaps a sensation of energy surging along with tension here and there? And then some thought labels, thought stories about what it all means?

This way of looking is not to minimize feelings or sweep them under the carpet. On the contrary. It's looking them in the eye and noticing the direct experience without any stories attached.

It doesn't give you control and it doesn't necessarily change a thing. Except it reveals that whatever comes up isn't actually about "you." It couldn't possibly be. It's just there, like the computer is just there and the cat is just there and the room is just there and the body is just there. Nothing personal. Just presence.

If you do happen to feel stuck at the psychological level, here's a helpful technique. Take a tiny step back, just far enough so you can ask yourself "Is anything actually wrong right now?" It works.

With love,
Steve

[journeygirl]

Good morning,

You're right. I've know that feelings were as a result of thinking... and thinking is skewed but I've dealt with it by telling myself a truer story psychologically.

You've seen that there's no separate "you" as a thinker, nobody there to control thoughts. Are feelings any different? Do you experience an entity, a "you" that feels? Do you experience any control over the feelings that arise?

Nobody is controlling thoughts. Nobody is controlling feelings. But last night I still feel like there was a me that was being victimized by the feelings and thoughts.

There is direct experience of something, but what exactly is it when you look closely? Sensations in the body? Perhaps a sensation of energy surging along with tension here and there? And then some thought labels, thought stories about what it all means?

I've had experiences where I drop story and feel the sensations when I've gotten some news that brought about strong feelings. I shut my eyes and felt the burning in my chest and throat-- I bring up this example because it was easy to see at the time that emotions are physical sensations. There was a "thing" that happened-- I got a text message from my ex-husband so it was sudden.

Last night it was anxiety with no particular situation that was sudden... it built up over a period. I know that it doesn't matter though... feelings are still a result of thinking and then believing. How can believing and thinking happen when thoughts cannot be found? I'm not going to try to figure it out. Haha. sounds like a trap.

If you do happen to feel stuck at the psychological level, here's a helpful technique. Take a tiny step back, just far enough so you can ask yourself "Is anything actually wrong right now?" It works.

Ahhhhh-- that's right. there is nothing wrong right now... ever! Just the story. How can this be forgotten? Ha.

[journeygirl]

I just put my finger on something. I equate not thinking with not being able to use my senses to find them and not being able...but talking feels like my thoughts and I can he it.

[journeygirl]

Hear it. I sent the last message from my phone.

[journeygirl]

I'm getting ready for bed and everything has been calm today. I meditated 1.5 hours, did yoga and spent some time outside. I cannot find "the me" and felt relaxed all day... until now. My legs are very restless and it's bugging me... it's been happening a lot lately. I also notice energy running through my hands and body but it's not uncomfortable like the legs jumpy.

good night--

Nancy

[journeygirl]

Good morning,

Sleeping happened! Big time. I slept until 9:30am and now it's back to work until 8:30pm. Everything is fine. It seems strange but silence in this body appears as a low vibrational note (actually a few different notes). It's hard to explain. I hear it but I also FEEL it when I'm still... sometimes it feels pulsing -- subtle -- I noticed vibration (energy) in my hands long ago while meditating and it's gotten more significant and spread though out my body (or I've just noticed it more).

Next Sunday I'm participating in a Weekthun at the Phoenix Shambhala Center. I did it last year too...I live close so I'll be going home at night. It's 7am to 7pm for 7 days. I have to work a few hours here and there during it so I won't be completely silent and there will be some distractions (i was grateful for the distractions last year). It was my first long training longer than 3 days.

http://www.phoenix.shambhala.org/progra ... 44&cid=267

I don't want to get confused by different teachings. I don't think I will--- Shambhala is gentle.

[Steve]

Hi, Nancy. The Weekthun sounds very nice. Any meditation practice that doesn't impose stories on experience is perfectly fine.

The energy experiences you've been noticing aren't unusual, but there's no reason to think they have any special significance. Enjoy them!

Now that you've had a few days to settle after the sudden insight into the unreality of thought, what remains?

Is there a "you" anywhere?

What experiences?

What thinks?

What does?

What feels?

What is aware?

With love,
Steve

[journeygirl]

Hello Steve,

Is there a "you" anywhere?

It's so subtle -- I barely notice that I don't feel self-conscious. It's not much different really but I was not terribly reactionary before. Today I noticed life living through my moment without feeling like I was doing anything. I kinda felt like that before unless I got hooked on something.

So a potential hook was ---Tonight, another counselor wasn't there so I had to take over his group too. His group is high risk low functioning men drug addicts that are mostly still using. I had them watch "Peaceful Warrior" and one guy was inserting inappropriate commentary during parts where there could be vulnerable producing content (defense mechanism). It was interesting to see how anger arose without taking anything personally. I just saw how his was not beneficial to the group dynamic and asked him to leave... then let him back in after a little talk.

What experiences?

I don't know- experience happens.

What thinks?

Nothing - I don't know what thinks-

What feels?

Feelings just happen-- I don't know- It doesn't feel like feelings happen "to me" but they still happen...

What is aware?

The "I" is awareness. it's an awareness machine.

Is this it? I'm not sure. It cannot imagine it being any other way. Does that make sense?

What do you think?