Ready

[Eggplane]

What you can rely on, however, is that the pain is temporary.

The aches and pains are not a big deal. They are in familiar places (lower back, calf and soles, behind the eyes) and come and go quickly. They are more surprising than anything because the familiar causes and stories of how they rise and fall don't apply here--and helpful because those old stories don't stick any longer.

The heavy feeling is more of a melting feeling now—which is to say that there is more movement, usually towards the ground. This usually registers as a pleasant and calming rather than tiring.

Lots of stories and interpretations of this feeling are rattling around. More chances to ask “who is feeling it”? The stickiest interpretation is: “Don’t try to make anything of this feeling. Don’t compare it to other people’s stories of the process. Just let it unfold as it will.” Followed by, “Who can make something of it? What is unfolding? How can there be something that can ‘unfold’?” And these questions are accompanied by more of that melting feeling.

One question, of course, is is there an "act of observation", or is there just stuff happening?
Is there anything/anyone it is happening to?

Yes, there are many acts of observation. And many acts of looking to see who is observing. Never finding anything. it's just stuff happening. But it’s tiring. However many times nothing is found, however many observers are investigated, those thoughts and emotions still keep coming and labeling themselves “I”. Thoughts about my girlfriend and thoughts about how “I” am progressing in this process are the most persistent; the most likely to build a story about “me.”

Doubts and frustration come on the heels of all this looking and looking. When the question is phrased “Are there any doubts about whether I exists?” the only answer is no. No argument in support of “I” can be produced. But this constant process of looking and looking and looking again, only to have the thoughts of "me" keep coming and coming--it seems to imply doubts and resistance somewhere. Which is followed by all kinds of stories about what that doubt/resistance might be . . . which of course don't find doubt and resistance, they create it!

[pozablo]

Could it be, Adam, that the resistance is to the thoughts of 'I'?
Could there be a belief, somewhere, that these I thoughts should not be happening?

[pozablo]

Maybe it's time to let go of looking for something that isn't there...and smell the roses?
:-)

[Eggplane]

Could it be, Adam, that the resistance is to the thoughts of 'I'?
Could there be a belief, somewhere, that these I thoughts should not be happening?

Yes, this surely part of it--or at least not happening in some quantity. And when they do, all kind of other doubts follow in the wake.

Maybe it's time to let go of looking for something that isn't there...and smell the roses?

Yes, looking all the time constantly draws attention to every small thought that may even hint at "I". And those intentions to look are themselves more thoughts to hang an "I" onto.

The past couple of days have been busier, with less time for intensive looking. Only looking at some of the bigger thoughts and feelings. Less frustration and pressure. And fewer of those bigger thoughts are capturing me in the story of "I".

[pozablo]

Anything focused on or repressed is amplified, of course.
If there were looking for any thoughts of the Easter Bunny, or trying not to have thoughts of the Easter Bunny, those thoughts would be prevalent. Would they make the Easter Bunny any more real?

Thoughts are trivial. Focus on what is actual in any given now moment.

[Eggplane]

Thoughts are trivial. Focus on what is actual in any given now moment.

Yes.
The past couple of days, I've also been recalling exercises by Greg Goode and Douglas Harding (more accurately, using memories of those exercises as a starting point to focus). They are more focused on awareness and the reality of the "outside" world than on I--but I've been adding brief searches for "I" for good measure. The exercises are settling in better now than when I first tried them a few months ago. They don't feel so much like "exercises," and thoughts of frustration, etc. are not so potent.

. . . A bit of hesitation here. My guiding with Behzad got a bit derailed over the existence of "reality" (I was unwilling to take it for granted). A lot of that was misunderstanding and pointless resistance from "me," and I tried to put it aside to focus on "I"--figuring that I could look at outside reality again later if still so inclined. But at this point things seem to flow better when the perceived and perceiver are a single package to look at, rather than focusing only on the perceiver. . . . Or, do you mean something else when saying 'focus on what is actual'?

[pozablo]

By ‘actual’, I mean anything that is happening, rather than thoughts about what is happening.

Thoughts are neurological events, they appear in consciousness, so are they not as real as the lights and sound from the TV that often depict fictional, even absurd events? Maybe even the Easter Bunny  Clouds in the shape of Easter Bunny (or for that matter, God or Godzilla) may still appear in the sky, right?
The only problem with thoughts, or depictions of the Easter Bunny, is when the 95% of their that is useless or worse are accepted as important or ‘true’. Does that make sense? The exercises we’ve been doing are to find out whether the ‘I’ is real or not, even though it has always seemed so real.

Things still appear to be going in the right direction.

[Eggplane]

Hi Pablo,
Nothing to say this morning. Perhaps some fear that writing something will create some story about how "I" am progressing. But mostly, more relaxed, looking, just not thinking of anything to write.

Adam

[Eggplane]

So there is looking at what happens.

Pretty often, labels pop in ("cloud" "car" "irritation" "progress"). The labels get linked to each other ("My daughter is bored"). And it appears to be a world of things.

The "I" thought pops in most often in contexts of: 1) Long, extended story-thoughts and 2) Attempts to look at the sensations (i.e. the observer--which is also just a thought) and 3) interaction with others who appear to be separate. And "I" joins the world of things.

In the apparent world of things, those raw sensations of things happening get lost in the confabulation of more objects and correlations and causation and explanation. It's a real hubbub.

So, slowing down again. Sensations happen. Thoughts happen. Labels happen. That's all. They don't do anything.

[Eggplane]

watching the sensations and not paying much attention to the labels; they start to get disjointed. Sounds, movements, sights, smells. All with no relation to each other.

But paying too much attention to the sensations, stories are created about how they all fit together, how they become objects, how they become experiences. A tension arises. They become a story about how experience happens, about "I" am experiencing things. . . . Stop. Relax again.

[pozablo]

right.
stories will lessen in frequency, intensity and duration as it is realized they are of no import.

enjoy, increasingly, life without stories and without searching for the nonexistant...smile a lot.

broke my right elbow yesterday, surgery late last nite. fingers still swollen, typing with one finger.
should be ab le towrite better sunday.

[Eggplane]

Ouch!
Thanks for still responding with your swollen finger. Hope your flexibility returns soon. I'll report anything else that comes up the next couple of days.

Adam

[pozablo]

Adam,
my writings will have to be brief. i'm still most happy to guide with you, but would understand completely, and help, ifyou prefer to proceed with another guide who can respond moe fully--just let me know anytime.

for now, tho, it seems there is still some fear and avoidance of 'i' thoughts and stories. true? if so, why?

[Eggplane]

Hi Pablo,
Sounds like your arm must still really be bothering you. Sorry about that, and hope it gets better soon.

It doesn't seem to be fear and avoidance so much as frustration and a sense of tediousness. The very process of doing the inquiry constantly brings up the idea of "I" who am doing the inquiry.

The past few days I have been going through the exercises in Greg Goode's The Direct Path: A User's Manual. It is much the same direct pointing as LU, but also directed at objects, sensations, the body, etc. "I" am still doing the inquiry--but directing attention away from "I" does help to lessen its appearances.

Still not much to say that doesn't feel contrived. I find that the process of articulating a statement/question and then letting it sit, it usually resolves itself or dissolves. One question, however, keeps popping up pretty stubbornly the past few days:

The direct pointing has helped very much in getting free from psychological abstractions like "ego" and "the unconscious" and all of those stories that I've told myself about the unconscious. But then I come across words like "programming" and "conditioning", which also seems to imply something that exists beyond sight and awareness. What is this? Where is it located? Is it something that can be seen in anything other than its arisings? If not, how does it exist?

Please don't feel compelled to give an extended response if your arm is in pain. Let's wait for a few more days to see how things unfold before thinking about a new guide. Also considering a consultation with Greg Goode here in NY if I still feel stuck.

Thanks much, Adam

[pozablo]

adam,
for a while, maybe take a break from inquiry and just look at everything, in-skin and out, as if the simplest thing possible is happening.

complicated: lots of individual doers/deciders.
simple (a la occam's razor): just one big infinitely moving/changing thing; among its many aspects are thoughts/illusions of individual agency.