Requesting a Guide

[count_cashliostro]

I am very interested in finding the peace which comes with seeing clearly that there is not a separate self.

I have understood this for years intellectually, but I would like to see it directly.

I used to be a very passionate seeker. I have grown more disillusioned over the past few years. Looking forward to the final disillusionment. :-)

[Behzad]

Hello, what can I call you?

There are a few ground rules - the usual - please respond to confirm:

1. You agree to post at least once a day, time permitting.
2. I will post questions, which prompt your investigation and answers.
3. When you answer/report, please do so with 110% honestly and answer from what you see,
4. and when you do answer, please answer from direct experience (felt senses and observed thoughts). Long winded analytical and philosophical answers are not needed and may even hinder progress.
5. Put aside all other teachings, philosophies and such for the remainder of this journey. Really put all your effort and attention in to seeing this reality, as it is. If you have a daily and essential meditation practice, it is fine to continue that.
6. Please learn to use the quote function, instructions are located in the link below this line:viewtopic.php?f=4&t=660

And please, try to keep the language as simple as possible, because English is my second language. If this is fine with you we can start the process : )

Could you please start with giving me a little bit information about youre spiritual path. How long you have been seeking, wich teachers books you have read and so on. So I approximatlely know where you are at in youre understand about this?

And

You say "I have understood this for years intellectually, but I would like to see it directly" Are you ready to put aside everything that you know about this? Everything you have read? Everything that other people have said about this? And find out for youre self what this whole thing is all about?

Isnt it time to really know this now experientially then intellectualy?

Youre job here is to look and see if there is a I/Me here or not. You have probably assumed youre whole life that there is a I/Me here, but lets stop assuming and truly find out how things really are. I will point you where to look, but unfortunatley I cant see it for you. The seeing you have to do youre self.

So start with answering the questions abouve then we will move forward from there, thanks.

Warm regards
Behzad

[count_cashliostro]

Hello, what can I call you?

Call me Alex.

I agree to the rules.

Are you ready to put aside everything that you know about this? Everything you have read? Everything that other people have said about this? And find out for youre self what this whole thing is all about?

Absolutely. No problem.

I'll give you a spiritual chronology later this evening. I'm about to go out.

[count_cashliostro]

Okay so I have been studying spirituality for a number of years, everything from kabballah to Buddhism. I'm more familiar with nondual source material- shaivism, advaita vedanta etc rather than the modern stuff.

I have done some self inquiry, vipassana and other meditation practices.

I am also an artist and performer.

[count_cashliostro]

I am fine with dropping everything but the art.

[Behzad]

Good Alex,

When this body/mind called Alex came to this earth, got born, did it have all the knowledge about buddhism, kabballah, non duality, material-shaivism, advaita vedanta, enlightenment, liberation etc. with it? Were all of this already in Alex as a baby?

I guess you will say no, because it wasnt. Thats things that have been put into Alex. So return back to that innocence thats already here and have always been with Alex. When I will ask questions later then that is a good place to LOOK from at the questions thats being asked. This whole thing and the key is to actually look/see at how things actually are right now compared to what you have belived/thought they were or what you have been taught/said about how things are.

So, What are your expectations for liberation?
How will this feel?
How will this change you?

Be as precise and detailed as possible. Really look at all youre expectations so you can write them down, all of them.

Love
Behzad

[count_cashliostro]

When this body/mind called Alex came to this earth, got born, did it have all the knowledge about buddhism, kabballah, non duality, material-shaivism, advaita vedanta, enlightenment, liberation etc. with it? Were all of this already in Alex as a baby?

This is an interesting question, because when I explore it, the simple answer is obviously no. I did not know all about these subjects.

But, I did become interested in them at a very early age. I grew up in an artistic house in which spirituality was not encouraged or discouraged. None of my friends were interested in mysticism. But some of my earliest memories are pondering the nature of God and the universe. To me this has always seemed indicative of, if not an immortal soul, certainly vast differences in individuals and a sort of metaphysical personality.

I looked at the Tarot for the first time when I was eleven or twelve, and I knew I must have some. The other kids I was with were not interested at all.

I have three children and they are all quite different from one another, despite living in the same house with the same family.

But, this does not equal the question. In answer to the question, no, I did not know all about those things. They were all learned.

So return back to that innocence thats already here and have always been with Alex.

I will return to the innocent awareness. I am letting go of all concepts. I am happy to look at things as they are.

So, What are your expectations for liberation?

Mostly I want to feel peaceful and without concern for ego stuff. There is a lot of stress in my life. I'd like to experience a less self-centered life.

I give a lot to the people in my circles. I'd like to feel less drained by this, and to be able to give more of my time and energy to helping, without feeling the selfish desire for more for me. It's hard to explain. I am a giver, but sometimes I feel like I don't get enough in return. I see this desire for return as a waste of my energy.

I'd like to feel more naturally expansive.

How will this feel?

Open, I guess.
Happier.
Lighter.
Free.

How will this change you?

Will it change me? I thought it would end "me," leaving behind simply experiencing without a sense of neediness.

I think that's it in a nutshell. There is a neediness. A sadness. A sense of incompleteness that I tend to blame on my absent father. There's a fear of abandonment and a fear of loneliness.

If these were gone I think it would be great.

I'm a bit fearful that my artistic expressions will suffer though, that somehow my pain is my art. Is that silly?

[Behzad]

But, this does not equal the question. In answer to the question, no, I did not know all about those things. They were all learned.

Good, I asked you this just to point out that everything you have learnt is really not needed. You dont need to use all that wich you have learnt as a knowledge, as a tool to see if there is a self or not. Its really not needed. Nothing is needed except a willingness/curiosity to truly look and see whats actually here.

I will return to the innocent awareness. I am letting go of all concepts. I am happy to look at things as they are.

Beautiful.

Mostly I want to feel peaceful and without concern for ego stuff. There is a lot of stress in my life. I'd like to experience a less self-centered life.

I give a lot to the people in my circles. I'd like to feel less drained by this, and to be able to give more of my time and energy to helping, without feeling the selfish desire for more for me. It's hard to explain. I am a giver, but sometimes I feel like I don't get enough in return. I see this desire for return as a waste of my energy.

I'd like to feel more naturally expansive.

Do you want to see if there is a self here or not OR are you more intrested to fullfill youre expectations?

Open, I guess.
Happier.
Lighter.
Free.

These are nothing to look for. I guess you have looked enough in the world and not found these things and now there is a hope that Liberation, enlightenment will serve this things for you, give these to you. As long there is a you looking for these things, then those things will slip by. So forget finding these things for a while. Just focus on the self. Just be intrested to find out if there is a Alex/Self/Me/I that is living life. Make that youre first priority. When this is clear then the rest will take care of it self. So this is the most important question, the most important thing during our conversation. So forget everything else, lay it on side for now. Is there a self here or not? This is were youre focus should be not on finding happiness, lightness, freedom etc.

Will it change me? I thought it would end "me," leaving behind simply experiencing without a sense of neediness.

I think that's it in a nutshell. There is a neediness. A sadness. A sense of incompleteness that I tend to blame on my absent father. There's a fear of abandonment and a fear of loneliness.

If these were gone I think it would be great.

I'm a bit fearful that my artistic expressions will suffer though, that somehow my pain is my art. Is that silly?

This is not therapy, I am not a psychologist either that can solve youre problems. What I can help you with is point you to see if there is a self or not. Thats it. What kind of ramifications that brings about is better for you to explore youre self. Beliving what other people says about it want do any good for you. Just seeing this and knowing this for sure, for youre self experientially is good enough.

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So I hope that we are clear now that we are not looking for any experience at all or changing youre personality or solve youre problem etc. We are just looking at if there is a self living this life or not, thats it. Nothing else, okej?

As I told you before you dont need anything whatsoever to see if there is a self here or not. Just have a LOOK and see.

So lets start,

Where are you? Dont give any superficial answer, really look. Where are you?

Are you the body? If the body feels like its you. Then have a honest look and see what function in/on the body are you controlling? Where is the controller?
Are you youre thoughts?
Feelings maybe?
Memory?
The sense of presence, sense of being are you that?

Where are you? show the exact location of where You/Alex are?

If any superficial answer comes up then dig deeper, look at the answer. Can that really be Alex/Me?
Keep going as deep as you can with this question until you cant go any further. Dont be satisfied with any secound hand answer. Really have a look, peel away all the lies and see if there is a self/Alex in that body/mind.

So, have a real, honest look. If you follow this and do this all the way it can be enough. Its that simple.

Love
Behzad

[count_cashliostro]

I don't know if I quite understand what a "self" is.

I mean, looking at those things...

sensations
thoughts
feelings
aliveness

obviously these are separate and autonomous things, driven by biological, historical and cosmic forces...

But the self seems to me to be the conglomeration of these things. The gestalt.

There is no single thing which is the self.

But seeing this is not quite it. What else do I need to look at.

[Behzad]

I don't know if I quite understand what a "self" is.

With self I mean who you think, feel and belive you are. Generally speaking most of the people on earth thinks/belives they are the body/mind. So my question to you is, are you that body/mind you call Alex?

I mean, looking at those things...

sensations
thoughts
feelings
aliveness

obviously these are separate and autonomous things, driven by biological, historical and cosmic forces...

Very good, so If you take a look, is there a thing you call Alex? That wich you feel is you, youre inner most sense of being, who you feel/think/belive you are. If you look at that place where you thought/belived you were what do you find/see? Do you see a Alex there?

There is no single thing which is the self.

Good, so is there a self/I/Me here or not?

[count_cashliostro]

Okay, very close.

I am struggling with the reason for it all.

A rock or a body is a temporary collection of minerals, molecules and atoms. Atoms are packages of wavicles and probabilities. Ultimately a rock amounts to empty space with a few specks of information amidst a void.

The self is a temporary collection of ideas, memories and conditioning.

Neither of the sets are permanent.

We could say a rock is just as unreal as a self. In the vastness it is just a momentary coming together like the thought of a self.

I get that when I look at a rock, the "self" is not a factor.

But it reassembles as a construct when I think about it.

Trying to see! What can be done?

[Behzad]

A rock or a body is a temporary collection of minerals, molecules and atoms. Atoms are packages of wavicles and probabilities. Ultimately a rock amounts to empty space with a few specks of information amidst a void.

Okej nice but we are not trying to think us to a answer, to find intellectual proofs about how things are so we can form a belief and belive if there is a self or not. This want change anything. You will go from the belief that I am the body to now I dont believe I am the body/mind. This want change a thing. You are still in the same boat so to speak but now you are in a another so called better boat, you think.

We want to see/know if there is a self/I here or not experientally.

The self is a temporary collection of ideas, memories and conditioning.
Neither of the sets are permanent.

Good.

I get that when I look at a rock, the "self" is not a factor.
But it reassembles as a construct when I think about it.

Good, when it reassembles what is left?

Answer these questions, please.

Does Superman really exist? Is he real? Would you find him if you were looking for him in the world?
Will you be able to find/see a superman flying around and saving people?
If not, where is Superman?

[count_cashliostro]

I think I am seeing it clearly. It's just a made up thing, this self. It only exists because it keeps getting created by my mind. It's just a story. I could tell any story.

[Behzad]

I think I am seeing it clearly. It's just a made up thing, this self. It only exists because it keeps getting created by my mind. It's just a story. I could tell any story.

Beautiful. So whats left when this is seen?

[count_cashliostro]

Nothing I guess. Just life.

I'm finding some anger and fear coming up sometimes though, there is some doubt about the usefulness of this realization.

I feel confused tonight.