good place

[daisyrain]

Notably it’s (obviously) not me welcoming that.
I couldn’t welcome the uncomfortableness of „I“ otherwise. Funny sentence.

[graceabounds]

At times (not now) the relationship with „I“ thoughts can be seen in realtime.

Tell me more. What happens at these times?

Is what is seen not at all accessible at other times?

[daisyrain]

(Disclaimer: Allowing the mind to rant first, decidedly not DE)

It's a bit of a conundrum, this while "seeing deal".
So, yesterday it came, that I/me/self-thoughts felt like swallowing a pointy rock.
so: pointy rock sensation <=> self thought.
Okay, this was written down from memory/thought itself.

Now, I want to look for that relationship again.

• Moments of me-less-ness come.
• BUT: inspecting that, asking questions about that, that really "muddies the water".

Asking anything muddies the water so much. That's the conundrum.

While I'm at it I might as well ramble on about another pattern (I think it's valuable to just write it out).
There's a lot of doubt in the form of

• "I am just tipping the scales"
• "I am manipulating the result ot fit my agenda"
• "I am gaslighting myself here, that's pathetic"

okay, okay.

Back to your question.

Oh wait. Right now the slightest "holding back" can be found, protecting from actually

• looking.
• now.

huh. Neat!
Sensation: Left arm/ left side of chest, rather dense tension.

At times (not now) the relationship with „I“ thoughts can be seen in realtime.

Tell me more. What happens at these times?

couldn't tell you. it's all just tension.
Self-thoughts might be a bit more subtle or "a bit better at staying undetected."
Feeling them in the stomach at the moment.

Is what is seen not at all accessible at other times.

Yeah, but what even is seen?
Because at times it feels like clarity and answers come. At least that's a story coming up right now.

Thought: Every moment is different

are there other moments?

(bit dumbstruck / silent here now)

hm. it's uncomfortable to assert that "I drifted of / I am conscious again" in contrast to whatever "drifting off" was.

[daisyrain]

hitting my head hard and just "allowing the protest and mind chatter" to be as offended as it wants to be feels kind of nice.
but asserting / thinking that "it feels kind of nice" feels horrid

[daisyrain]

It can be felt/seen clear as day, that it’s available in the thought „but what if it’s unavailable“ as well.

It’s suffering itself in that thought, that is available.
Uncomfortableness itself feels like a key to …? This?

Not feels, but is. I’m not sure where this certain wording comes from. I actually don’t feel certain at all.
But then again, one would need to care for something else to be uncertain, and with that caring for something else you have suffering readily available again.

[graceabounds]

So, pointy rock sensation is I?

There's a lot of doubt in the form of
"I am just tipping the scales"
"I am manipulating the result ot fit my agenda"
"I am gaslighting myself here, that's pathetic"

Pointy rocks here too?

it's uncomfortable to assert that "I drifted of / I am conscious again" in contrast to whatever "drifting off" was

So noone comes or goes?


Who insists on posting thoughts here?

[daisyrain]

So, pointy rock sensation is I?

Not yet sure, what pointy rock sensation really is.
It arises. Also arises with „understanding“ for example.

I can't tell you much of anything really.

Take this maybe with a grain of sand (grain of salt?)
At times "I" wonder "why I'm not just writing you it's all good and done, noones here".
This is delving into stories, but I'm yapping on a little.
There are increasingly moments of "oh. noone here, yeah" to... "counter" the selfing. Go along with the selfing, that occurs.

But it's not like "I know where to look to see there's no self"

But yeah, writing this. "I" => pointy rock.

Calling it uncomfortableness feels most fitting right now, though It feels safe to assume it's the same sensation.
Ah, you know. Whatever comes up is good enough to write about, isn't it? 😄

Pointy rocks here too?

jup jup.
At this point it's not like I have a fitting word for it really.
It just comes and diffuses and is felt.
The coming and diffusing is itself the feeling. It seems very right to say that.

So noone comes or goes?

Maybe.
Hm. It is interesting; someone "coming and going" surely isn't... that makes no sense, that's not what can occur.

It's here a little like there's
- a person
- "something" that observes and sees "through" that person. Occasionally.

Writing this down I'm conflicted by how unfitting these words are.
There is observing, and in observing there is this sense of.. unattachedness.
wheres as a person would require "attachedness" to everything.
(e.g. "going" vs "I am going" highlights "I" i attached to "going" in that sense.)

Who insists on posting thoughts here?

Never thought about that.
it gets very intense here though. And avoidance comes.
Sensation in the stomach. And emptiness behind that, scary stuff.

[graceabounds]

At times "I" wonder "why I'm not just writing you it's all good and done, noones here".

Because

——>

Who insists on posting thoughts here?

Never thought about that.
it gets very intense here though. And avoidance comes.
Sensation in the stomach. And emptiness behind that, scary stuff.

Look behind the curtain at the emptiness…
See what it actually is. Tell me in direct experience.

It's here a little like there's
- a person
- "something" that observes and sees "through" that person. Occasionally.

When that “something” is present, can you actually find it?
Take a look.

[daisyrain]

Look behind the curtain at the emptiness…
See what it actually is. Tell me in direct experience.

an attitude of "but I can't do that anyway" comes up.
"facing" that attitude sensations of "energy passing through" or tension and relief are coming through the left leg and stomach area, like waves.

an attitude of "but I don't want to look" comes up.
this one is felt in the face. Left leg. Left arm and hand.
(I think this movement I was ignorant of before, it's definitely not new)

sensations / movements are being felt.
It is unclear if that is "all that is being felt".

Asking the sensation what it wants / wants to tell.

it's chatty. Not really in words, but there's response.
an emotional component comes. (sadness)

noticing how much I actually *want* to sit with this :)

When that “something” is present, can you actually find it?
Take a look.

taking a look muddies the water.
nothing seems to indicate a something.
excitement comes and muddies the water.
breathing. (very wow)
sensations are coming loose that "at some point I would have labeled as very wounded".
still label them a bit like that.

Okay, i need to work a bit

[graceabounds]

Asking the sensation what it wants / wants to tell.

it's chatty. Not really in words, but there's response.
an emotional component comes. (sadness)

noticing how much I actually *want* to sit with this :)

More of this…
One layer underneath it, what is there?

[daisyrain]

Asking the sensation what it wants / wants to tell.

it's chatty. Not really in words, but there's response.
an emotional component comes. (sadness)

noticing how much I actually *want* to sit with this :)

More of this…
One layer underneath it, what is there?

without words or labels it is "just physical sensation".
seeing / feeling that somewhat lightens the felt resistance, but I'm not sure in what way.
There is still something. Some despair here.

again, feels much more natural without the label.

there seems to be a useful pattern of:
=> noticing uncomfortableness/resistance
=> what does that feel like in the body?
=> what does that feel like without the label?

[daisyrain]

TIME FOR A SIDE QUEST!

I think I'm noticing a thought pattern (worry pattern) that goes "what the fuck am I doing with my life? Am I doing everything wrong?"

Moving => What am I even doing with my life?
Planning days off => What am I even doing with my life?


Sensation is moving through left leg.
Asking what it knows => points to empty / peaceful feeling in chest.
feeling in face as well now.
and around head.

Asking the "what am I even doing with my life?" Voice, what it wants.
It's chatty ( can't make sense of it in words though)

control-sensation/assumption comes.
Asking control-sensation/assumption, what it wants to say

the movement changes its attitude towards:
"Am i doing everything wrong?"

There are expectations about this being a "huge thing", and so it can't be easily processed / resolved / looked through.
that assumption eases upon "interaction" (listening to it, feeling it in the body).

Am I doing everything wrong?
answer comes: I don't know

without labels: very bodily processing

thought: "I am so worried, Becc"
(asking what it wants to say / listening)

Voice: "What if I'm doing everything wrong"
asking: What do you have to share?

It talks about consequences.
and survival.
it doesn't know how it survived some things,
it doesn't know how it would survive things that may happen in the future.
it doesn't have a convincing plan for survival and is distressed.

(thanking it)

asking it, if it can feel another way instead of worrying being possible.

suddenly it's very young and "wants me to hold it's hand", so to speak.

(judgement of weakness in that comes and is noticed)
( i think it's another flavor of the same voice. it might be )

sitting here with this, wave after wave.

do "not wanting to look" comes knocking.
as if it wants to sit here too.
it feels more jittery and wounded maybe. beaten up.
it's just loved here.
there is a "separate" quality about it. Comes with mental images of "veils" or "walls".

whew. feeling this in the body without the labels. quite something.

there's quite a bit of processing here.

[graceabounds]

Re: side quest

What am I doing with my life?
and
Am I doing everything wrong?

Please translate each of these thoughts into blah blah blah blah or wah wah wah wah exactly in the same pacing and tone as the thoughts appear.

Such as:

https://youtu.be/ss2hULhXf04

Every time you catch one of the above thoughts playing, immediately launch the wah wah wah wah counter punch.


Once it has been reduced to the nonsense it is and the spell of what the words are saying is diffused, THEN (if it feels compelling in the body) you can look underneath the thought or sit with what is present.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes!

[daisyrain]

Please translates these thoughts into blah blah blah

It seems that even trying to engage with shadow material can be avoidance of a sensation.

The sensation id describe as
Emptiness + negative judgement

In a way lots of interesting things are there with it.
In a way nothing much is there with it, what remains is body sensation.

[daisyrain]

It seems that which „makes sense“ is thought